Broken Crayons
a short story28 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Wow, I can see why this won a prize. Very nicely written. For some reason it also reminded me of the story of the Tin Soldier, who was missing part of a leg but fell in love with the miniature ballerina who looked like she was missing a leg, due to having it bent under her dress. Probably other reviewers commented on that. Nice share.
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Wow, I can see why this won a prize. Very nicely written. For some reason it also reminded me of the story of the Tin Soldier, who was missing part of a leg but fell in love with the miniature ballerina who looked like she was missing a leg, due to having it bent under her dress. Probably other reviewers commented on that. Nice share.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2024
Comment from tempeste
Ciao ! you now have 6 votes.
Your story captured my interest from the powerful opening line: I loved life to the heartbreaking end.
Before my mother died, I didn't give death much thought. It was something that happened to old people.
After mother's sudden death ( she had a heart attack and she was gone) I was scared my father would die and I would be left alone.
Life can change in a eye;s blink like in Matt's case.
The part where Matt is trying to figure out where to look when speaking to Celeste was well done.
I love the ending when he drew a pic of his wife behind Celeste;s daughter and said she would watch over her (you could have named the girl)'
I'm not a big reader but you are a talented storyteller, the two character seemed real to me.
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Ciao ! you now have 6 votes.
Your story captured my interest from the powerful opening line: I loved life to the heartbreaking end.
Before my mother died, I didn't give death much thought. It was something that happened to old people.
After mother's sudden death ( she had a heart attack and she was gone) I was scared my father would die and I would be left alone.
Life can change in a eye;s blink like in Matt's case.
The part where Matt is trying to figure out where to look when speaking to Celeste was well done.
I love the ending when he drew a pic of his wife behind Celeste;s daughter and said she would watch over her (you could have named the girl)'
I'm not a big reader but you are a talented storyteller, the two character seemed real to me.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2024
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Jim,
You should have saved this for a contest. I enjoyed your story, especially comparing these two to broken crayons. And the observance, a broken crayon can still produce a wonderful piece of art.
Do you suppose Celeste and Matthew got together? Everyone deserves some happiness, especially these two. Matt lost his wife, and Celeste lost her daughter. Accidents happen, and health issues might confront us at any time. Do we give up, or carry on? One thing I have learned over the years, you don't have to go far to find someone in worse shape than you. Some people are born with infirmity.
Nicely penned!
Cheers,
Kimbob
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Hi Jim,
You should have saved this for a contest. I enjoyed your story, especially comparing these two to broken crayons. And the observance, a broken crayon can still produce a wonderful piece of art.
Do you suppose Celeste and Matthew got together? Everyone deserves some happiness, especially these two. Matt lost his wife, and Celeste lost her daughter. Accidents happen, and health issues might confront us at any time. Do we give up, or carry on? One thing I have learned over the years, you don't have to go far to find someone in worse shape than you. Some people are born with infirmity.
Nicely penned!
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 15-Aug-2024
Comment from Ulla
Hi Jim, this was a fine piece of writing. You portray it so very well how people in care can be made to feel blike they are in a kindergarten. It's really quite sad and demeaning.Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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Hi Jim, this was a fine piece of writing. You portray it so very well how people in care can be made to feel blike they are in a kindergarten. It's really quite sad and demeaning.Ulla:)))
Comment Written 14-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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Thank you very much for such kind words.
Comment from jessizero
This was a beautiful story, and it was beautifully written. I honestly didn't know what to expect, but it captured my interest and kept it. That last line was perfect. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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This was a beautiful story, and it was beautifully written. I honestly didn't know what to expect, but it captured my interest and kept it. That last line was perfect. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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Thank you for your kindness!
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Thank you for your kindness!
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Thank you for your kindness!
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
It's hard to know what to say. It is sad bad things happen. You lost your wife quickly. She lost her child to slow luekemia. you are in a chair so is she. You are whining because she only has one good leg. Neither of yours are good. The point of this story is that none of that matters at all. You two connected. That matters. Karen
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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It's hard to know what to say. It is sad bad things happen. You lost your wife quickly. She lost her child to slow luekemia. you are in a chair so is she. You are whining because she only has one good leg. Neither of yours are good. The point of this story is that none of that matters at all. You two connected. That matters. Karen
Comment Written 14-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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Thank you for your analysis!
Comment from Brenda Strauser
What a moving story. It was well written and so sad in ways. You were very descriptive in your writing. I could follow along very easily. Great job.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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What a moving story. It was well written and so sad in ways. You were very descriptive in your writing. I could follow along very easily. Great job.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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I appreciate your review very much!
Comment from Sallyo
Lovely pro-level story which could work in an anthology or magazine collection. I found a couple of typo-y things...
followed her to her room, none of us saying much after that.
neither - none implies more than two people
"I know how to fix this," I said."
"I know how to fix this," I said.
Also I found the term "charge" odd. Where I live, your charge is the person you look after, not the other way round. Probably a difference is dialect.
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Lovely pro-level story which could work in an anthology or magazine collection. I found a couple of typo-y things...
followed her to her room, none of us saying much after that.
neither - none implies more than two people
"I know how to fix this," I said."
"I know how to fix this," I said.
Also I found the term "charge" odd. Where I live, your charge is the person you look after, not the other way round. Probably a difference is dialect.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2024
Comment from Sharon Elwell
Beautiful story, Jim! I really like the short sentences and pacing that lets us feel the protagonist's uncertainty and confusion. And the conclusion ties it together perfectly. I'm your fan.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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Beautiful story, Jim! I really like the short sentences and pacing that lets us feel the protagonist's uncertainty and confusion. And the conclusion ties it together perfectly. I'm your fan.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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Thank you. I feel proud to have you as a fan.
Comment from lyenochka
In this story full of heartbreak, you added humor that makes it so sweet. Yes, you can call it a "relationship" even as the first words and glances were exchanged. But that the mutual sorrow of losing a loved one depicted in a picture with crayons can bring comfort, makes the relationship much deeper! Beautifully written, Jim!
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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In this story full of heartbreak, you added humor that makes it so sweet. Yes, you can call it a "relationship" even as the first words and glances were exchanged. But that the mutual sorrow of losing a loved one depicted in a picture with crayons can bring comfort, makes the relationship much deeper! Beautifully written, Jim!
Comment Written 13-Aug-2024
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2024
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I am very grateful for your words.
