The Souvenir
Neighbors Return From Vacation With a bit of a surprise.3 total reviews
Comment from JanPerry
Your settings are very need. Although simple in speech it is clearly easy to read. Is it fictional?
I wouldn't ever house a croc or alligator and have seen many in Darwin. It's alarming knowing people still want to own dangerous reptiles and wild lions. Some have met with their death.
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2024
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Your settings are very need. Although simple in speech it is clearly easy to read. Is it fictional?
I wouldn't ever house a croc or alligator and have seen many in Darwin. It's alarming knowing people still want to own dangerous reptiles and wild lions. Some have met with their death.
Comment Written 04-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 04-Sep-2024
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This was a fictional story based loosely on a family vacation to New Orleans. I will definitely work on my editing. I'm glad you enjoyed the story and thank you so much for the feedback.
Comment from Julie Helms
Welcome to Fanstory!
You wrote a great action-packed entry for the Found It contest. Astonishingly, it is legal to own an alligator with a permit in Florida. Crazy if you ask me. Pretty sure you aren't supposed to put them through in baggage though lol.
A couple suggestions:
Annete grabbed a big hung of glass
(Hung? Is that supposed to be hunk? And Annette)
There **was** a red stain afloat around him, apparently Ellie's blood. But Alex **is** totally oblivious to the carnage
(Throughout, you flip between present and past tense. Either is fine, but not both together.)
Fanstory requests that all pieces be left-aligned and use space breaks between paragraphs. They don't want you indenting the first word.
I wish you the best in the contest!
Julie
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2024
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Welcome to Fanstory!
You wrote a great action-packed entry for the Found It contest. Astonishingly, it is legal to own an alligator with a permit in Florida. Crazy if you ask me. Pretty sure you aren't supposed to put them through in baggage though lol.
A couple suggestions:
Annete grabbed a big hung of glass
(Hung? Is that supposed to be hunk? And Annette)
There **was** a red stain afloat around him, apparently Ellie's blood. But Alex **is** totally oblivious to the carnage
(Throughout, you flip between present and past tense. Either is fine, but not both together.)
Fanstory requests that all pieces be left-aligned and use space breaks between paragraphs. They don't want you indenting the first word.
I wish you the best in the contest!
Julie
Comment Written 03-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2024
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Thank you so much for your feedback. I appreciate it and will definitely heed your advice.
Comment from lancellot
Welcome FanStory. You have a story and subject, with interesting characters. Now, this needs editing, but that's normal. Be careful with multiple characters in the same scene. You have to identify who is acting and speaking. Also, keep the same actor and speaker in their own paragraph. Please, keep at it. As you work more and read more, it will come easier.
notes:
"Whaaaaa?!"
Donald exclaimed; he can't believe what he's seeing.
"No way, you guys can't be serious,"
said Annette. "That's crazy guys!"
-change format to:
"Whaaaaa?!" Donald exclaimed; he couldn't believe what was seeing.
"No way, you guys can't be serious," said Annette. "That's crazy guys!"
"Isn't he beautiful, he's already grown a couple of inches since we've been back."
-(Who said this?)
"Whoa, I was actually thinking you brought back a snake or maybe an iguana, but you went all the way back to the evolutionary source! A fucking alligator!" (Who is speaking?)
"No way this is safe Elle, no way!" (Who is speaking?)
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2024
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Welcome FanStory. You have a story and subject, with interesting characters. Now, this needs editing, but that's normal. Be careful with multiple characters in the same scene. You have to identify who is acting and speaking. Also, keep the same actor and speaker in their own paragraph. Please, keep at it. As you work more and read more, it will come easier.
notes:
"Whaaaaa?!"
Donald exclaimed; he can't believe what he's seeing.
"No way, you guys can't be serious,"
said Annette. "That's crazy guys!"
-change format to:
"Whaaaaa?!" Donald exclaimed; he couldn't believe what was seeing.
"No way, you guys can't be serious," said Annette. "That's crazy guys!"
"Isn't he beautiful, he's already grown a couple of inches since we've been back."
-(Who said this?)
"Whoa, I was actually thinking you brought back a snake or maybe an iguana, but you went all the way back to the evolutionary source! A fucking alligator!" (Who is speaking?)
"No way this is safe Elle, no way!" (Who is speaking?)
Comment Written 03-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2024
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and provide feedback. I will heed your advice and improve on my work!