Death, Crimes and Misdemeanors A-Z
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Allison Anne Albertson"Nefarious Deeds
17 total reviews
Comment from karenina
Well, one thing about getting here late is everybody who wanted to offer an edit did so, and I get to say this was a charmingly conceived story with endearing characters that didn't have a thing to do with a murder!
I loved the interplay between Allison and the sheriff... It had bit of that classic "Columbo" series, "Oh, by the way...there were cameras..." to it that doubled the enjoyment!
I can't get my sixes to pull down or you'd have one...
I'll have to "clear my cache" and see if that solves the problem!
You're adorable when you're not spewing murder and mayhem!
(most are adorable even then!)
Karenina
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2024
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Well, one thing about getting here late is everybody who wanted to offer an edit did so, and I get to say this was a charmingly conceived story with endearing characters that didn't have a thing to do with a murder!
I loved the interplay between Allison and the sheriff... It had bit of that classic "Columbo" series, "Oh, by the way...there were cameras..." to it that doubled the enjoyment!
I can't get my sixes to pull down or you'd have one...
I'll have to "clear my cache" and see if that solves the problem!
You're adorable when you're not spewing murder and mayhem!
(most are adorable even then!)
Karenina
Comment Written 09-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2024
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I spewed one your way, "Quinton" it's bloody. THanks for the read and nice words. Karen
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A "Q" story? I'm on it!
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Oh...I was already on it!
(Duh)
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:-)
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:-)
Comment from T B Botts
Hello Karen,
it sounds like a good thing that Allison is a friend of the sheriff. An attractive young lady who had the mentality of a seven year old girl could fall prey to the multitude of creeps that inhabit even our small cities. This was a different take on a person's death. Well done gal.
Blessings,
Tom
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2024
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Hello Karen,
it sounds like a good thing that Allison is a friend of the sheriff. An attractive young lady who had the mentality of a seven year old girl could fall prey to the multitude of creeps that inhabit even our small cities. This was a different take on a person's death. Well done gal.
Blessings,
Tom
Comment Written 08-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2024
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In the smaller towns most people know most people, so she is mostly safe. In my world anyway. Thanks for the read. Karen
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I know what you mean. Hoonah only had 850 people, and strangers stood out like the plague.
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I have never been a stranger. I may be strange, but, ..... :-)
Comment from GWHARGIS
Oh my gosh, Karen. This was a cute little mystery. I liked both characters. Allison because she was the perfect person to "help" the sheriff. And I liked the sheriff. He was patient and methodical. He let Allison say what needed to be said and then with her little secret about the hidden cameras he was able to solve the mystery. Now, he can carry out that promise of going to the dentist. Gretchen
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2024
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Oh my gosh, Karen. This was a cute little mystery. I liked both characters. Allison because she was the perfect person to "help" the sheriff. And I liked the sheriff. He was patient and methodical. He let Allison say what needed to be said and then with her little secret about the hidden cameras he was able to solve the mystery. Now, he can carry out that promise of going to the dentist. Gretchen
Comment Written 08-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2024
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Thank you so much. I am working on a nobody really gets hurt or dies comedy. I want to see if I can be funny without needing a funeral. :-) Karen
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Let the characters take the lead. I never know what my characters are going to do until they do it.
Comment from GoWiSt
"She did what she was told" Ah, only if all women were like this.
"Allison Anne Albertson" Yay, the alliteration czarina is back.
"do you think you might could recognize the voice," Take out either mught or could. Oh, unless that's how they, or she, talk.
Haha, funny story. No crime; George tripped, fell and smacked his noggin hard to death.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2024
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"She did what she was told" Ah, only if all women were like this.
"Allison Anne Albertson" Yay, the alliteration czarina is back.
"do you think you might could recognize the voice," Take out either mught or could. Oh, unless that's how they, or she, talk.
Haha, funny story. No crime; George tripped, fell and smacked his noggin hard to death.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2024
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This is east Texas and they do talk that way. A bloody one is next. Thanks for the read. I may go change it. Karen
Comment from Jim Wile
I loved this story, Karen. Riveting right to the end. What an enchanting character was Triple-A. A beautiful girl stuck with a child's mind. Her innocence and the way she provided the clues to solving the mystery were priceless. Hard to believe there was actually no foul play in a story by KCT!
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2024
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I loved this story, Karen. Riveting right to the end. What an enchanting character was Triple-A. A beautiful girl stuck with a child's mind. Her innocence and the way she provided the clues to solving the mystery were priceless. Hard to believe there was actually no foul play in a story by KCT!
Comment Written 08-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2024
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Thanks so much. You are a true believer. I am reviewing more now that my apt. is more settled. I have backlog. My list is getting smaller. Thanks again. Karen
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
There you go with the names again, lol! Speaking of which, you have Allison spelled Alison in the "never progressed" paragraph.
Is the sheriff the narrator of this story? If so, you need to tell us that in the paragraph where you say she called the sheriff; she would "call me".
In the beginning, the story was about Allison, then it became about the sheriff and Lindale.
We have a FanStorian named Jamison Brown - are you referencing him?
There are a lot of grammatical errors that could be corrected if you care to take the time, but mostly the narrative issue is huge. It's about Allison and in third person, then it's about the sheriff and in first person.
This isn't for a contest, so you may not care. But, in all honesty, I feel like you dashed through this to "get it done". You have to edit your work, Karen.
Karen, you are a good writer with a tremendous sense of humor that you often bring to your work. Slow down and edit your work - quality over quantity. You have the ability to be one of the more interesting writers here, but you have to give us something that isn't confusing and seems to go in a half dozen different directions.
Sorry, I don't mean to step on any toes - I want to see you at your best!
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2024
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There you go with the names again, lol! Speaking of which, you have Allison spelled Alison in the "never progressed" paragraph.
Is the sheriff the narrator of this story? If so, you need to tell us that in the paragraph where you say she called the sheriff; she would "call me".
In the beginning, the story was about Allison, then it became about the sheriff and Lindale.
We have a FanStorian named Jamison Brown - are you referencing him?
There are a lot of grammatical errors that could be corrected if you care to take the time, but mostly the narrative issue is huge. It's about Allison and in third person, then it's about the sheriff and in first person.
This isn't for a contest, so you may not care. But, in all honesty, I feel like you dashed through this to "get it done". You have to edit your work, Karen.
Karen, you are a good writer with a tremendous sense of humor that you often bring to your work. Slow down and edit your work - quality over quantity. You have the ability to be one of the more interesting writers here, but you have to give us something that isn't confusing and seems to go in a half dozen different directions.
Sorry, I don't mean to step on any toes - I want to see you at your best!
xo
Pam
Comment Written 08-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2024
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I went back and found quite a few things to correct. I can only say, that I do edit, but in the excitement and flush of giving birth to my new baby, I can be blind. I appreciate my friends on here that rip my story to shreds, I mean give me well thought out edits. I honestly don't know how I missed so many things. I have changed some words around to improve the conversation, removed duplicate words, added commas. I adjusted quote tags, which I think I finally get. And I changed Jameison Brown to Charleston Brown. I did not realize I stole his name out of whole cloth. If, you are up to it, see if I got everything. Thank you for taking the time. Karen
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a great story, one that is quite publishable if you clean up the punctuation, capitalization, and stick to the first person for the sheriff. I may have missed a few, but these are the problems I spotted. Sometimes the parenthesis means a word is missing or is unneeded or punctuation should be different. George Oliver(') body . . . Saturday afternoon(.) (He) I liked . . . call me(.) (I am the Sheriff.) I told her . . . (He) and Hilde . . . look like (look like) a movie . . . Santa (Claus) . . . around, (and now) what do . . . Well(,) Allison. . . could (go) over . . . "No(,) Sir(,) I was . . . twist(. He) said . . . why (was) the mean . . . So(, I) took her . . . vet(')s. . . . Well(,) darling? (I) asked . . . okey right?" (she) asked . . . crime(,) (except one) It's also necessary to use black type and not such large type when submitting for publication. Also a different layout than used here at Fanstory.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2024
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This is a great story, one that is quite publishable if you clean up the punctuation, capitalization, and stick to the first person for the sheriff. I may have missed a few, but these are the problems I spotted. Sometimes the parenthesis means a word is missing or is unneeded or punctuation should be different. George Oliver(') body . . . Saturday afternoon(.) (He) I liked . . . call me(.) (I am the Sheriff.) I told her . . . (He) and Hilde . . . look like (look like) a movie . . . Santa (Claus) . . . around, (and now) what do . . . Well(,) Allison. . . could (go) over . . . "No(,) Sir(,) I was . . . twist(. He) said . . . why (was) the mean . . . So(, I) took her . . . vet(')s. . . . Well(,) darling? (I) asked . . . okey right?" (she) asked . . . crime(,) (except one) It's also necessary to use black type and not such large type when submitting for publication. Also a different layout than used here at Fanstory.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2024
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I went back and found quite a few things to correct. I can only say, that I do edit, but in the excitement and flush of giving birth to my new baby, I can be blind. I appreciate my friends on here that rip my story to shreds, I mean give me well thought out edits. I honestly don't know how I missed so many things. I have changed some words around to improve the conversation, removed duplicate words, added commas. I adjusted quote tags, which I think I finally get. And I changed Jameison Brown to Charleston Brown. I did not realize I stole his name out of whole cloth. If, you are up to it, see if I got everything. Thank you for taking the time. Karen
P.S. Thanks for reminding me to change the color and type size when submitting.
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Apparently I can't correct what I already wrote, so here goes. George Oliver('s) body. . . (He) and Hilde. . . tall(,) 190 pounds. . . Santa (Claus) with the "e" it is the name of a movie. . . . do you think(?") she asked . . . himXcould have . . . "No(,) sir. mean man (remove extra was). . . bad move.(")remove . . . funny?(" add) care for(," she said.) possibly.(" I) asked. ... (she) squeaked. head no(. I) was . . . Put comma after introductory (Well,) him(. He) likes things ... know(," he) said. darling? (I asked.)
see if (they) can . . .cameras?" (I). . .
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, I'm always out of sixes before Monday or Tuesday at the latest, but this week I've managed to hang onto one for the last day of the Fanstory week for something special. And tag, you're it. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2024
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Well, I'm always out of sixes before Monday or Tuesday at the latest, but this week I've managed to hang onto one for the last day of the Fanstory week for something special. And tag, you're it. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2024
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Wow! for me, you are the sweetest thing ever. I hope your muse comes out of hiding and bites you on your derierre. How about a "before story" on Tucker?
Why do I always end of asking myself " How in the world did things get so screwed up?" You would think that with a name like Cesarean Oxnard I would have clued into things not going in a straight line. There, go write :-) Give me your ideas and I can write your opening. If you never use any of it, it still could be fun. I am fluttering my geratric eyelashes and everything. :-)
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Actually I like your murders, Karen, but this has a very pleasing finale! Allison is a delight and it's impossible not to warm to her. Your story can meander around at times but that's the way we get to know the characters. And Allison saves the day.
Some edits below. Well done! Debbie
I do not look like look like a movie star (repeat of 'look like')
When you looked around and now what do you think happened? -This doesn't make much sense, perhaps you need to have a comma after 'around' and lose the 'and.'
Miss Alice said I could come over on my lunch break
why was the mean man (was) so mad at him?
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2024
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Actually I like your murders, Karen, but this has a very pleasing finale! Allison is a delight and it's impossible not to warm to her. Your story can meander around at times but that's the way we get to know the characters. And Allison saves the day.
Some edits below. Well done! Debbie
I do not look like look like a movie star (repeat of 'look like')
When you looked around and now what do you think happened? -This doesn't make much sense, perhaps you need to have a comma after 'around' and lose the 'and.'
Miss Alice said I could come over on my lunch break
why was the mean man (was) so mad at him?
Comment Written 07-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2024
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I made some edits. I addressed quite a few. I think we ought to have two scores. The story itself, and the editing. My editing will still have a stinko score for a while, but the story itself, well I like my chances. Thanks for taking the time to correct me. I am getting better. Karen
Comment from Brenda Strauser
Karen, very imaginative and interesting story. I liked how you described aĺl of the characters. My favorite was Allison. Written well. I enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Karen, very imaginative and interesting story. I liked how you described aĺl of the characters. My favorite was Allison. Written well. I enjoyed it.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2024
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2024
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Well folks have been nagging me to get back to writing my short stories. They want bodies. Ha! I gave them a body. but it wasn't murder, and I was nowhere near at the time. Thanks for the read. I am cooking up a good one. Karen