Pigeon
Surprise Me Theme for Fiction2 total reviews
Comment from samandlancelot
Hi Mystery Writer,
I like your drawing of a pigeon.
Your story is sweet. You show a good character arc with your protagonist becoming the pigeon feeder and witnessing the fulfillment of the man's prophecy. I like how her mimicking behavior brought the man/pigeon back to her.
The reason for the three stars is the need for many revisions. I hope this helps you.
Suggested revisions:
Lucy founds her herself (delete "founds her herself")strolling (change to 'strolls') aimlessly on a cobblestone path,
She to sit (change 'to sit' to 'sits) down on (insert 'the') faded wooden bench, the (bench; The ) afternoon sun peers though (change to 'through') the windy tree branches.
"They love these seeds," the eldery man replies, he approaches (change 'he approaches' to either 'approaching' or 'as he approaches') Lucy.
"I (insert 'would') rather watch them."
Lucy is uncertain of what the eldery man meant, (change 'meant' to 'means') but she thanked (changed 'thanked' to 'thanks' to maintain present tense) him
The eldery man smiled (smiles) and return (returns) his attention
Lucy returns to walk on the cobberstone (cobblestone) path
When she returned to the same spot, the man was nowhere to be seen (You've changed to past tense again. Since this seems to be a frequent occurrence for you, it can help to read through your completed story, specifically looking for changes between past tense and present tense. If that's all you're looking for, it's easier to spot.)
flapping of wings as the pigeon come down from (is it only the man pigeon or are other pigeons with him? If one pigeon, 'the pigeon comes' if multiple pigeons 'the pigeons come')
Sure yet, ('sure yet' doesn't make sense. Should it be 'sure enough' or 'She wasn't sure yet" that pigeon has (insert 'a') wool brown coat on and looks at her with kind eyes.
life came to a end. (an end)
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2024
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Hi Mystery Writer,
I like your drawing of a pigeon.
Your story is sweet. You show a good character arc with your protagonist becoming the pigeon feeder and witnessing the fulfillment of the man's prophecy. I like how her mimicking behavior brought the man/pigeon back to her.
The reason for the three stars is the need for many revisions. I hope this helps you.
Suggested revisions:
Lucy founds her herself (delete "founds her herself")strolling (change to 'strolls') aimlessly on a cobblestone path,
She to sit (change 'to sit' to 'sits) down on (insert 'the') faded wooden bench, the (bench; The ) afternoon sun peers though (change to 'through') the windy tree branches.
"They love these seeds," the eldery man replies, he approaches (change 'he approaches' to either 'approaching' or 'as he approaches') Lucy.
"I (insert 'would') rather watch them."
Lucy is uncertain of what the eldery man meant, (change 'meant' to 'means') but she thanked (changed 'thanked' to 'thanks' to maintain present tense) him
The eldery man smiled (smiles) and return (returns) his attention
Lucy returns to walk on the cobberstone (cobblestone) path
When she returned to the same spot, the man was nowhere to be seen (You've changed to past tense again. Since this seems to be a frequent occurrence for you, it can help to read through your completed story, specifically looking for changes between past tense and present tense. If that's all you're looking for, it's easier to spot.)
flapping of wings as the pigeon come down from (is it only the man pigeon or are other pigeons with him? If one pigeon, 'the pigeon comes' if multiple pigeons 'the pigeons come')
Sure yet, ('sure yet' doesn't make sense. Should it be 'sure enough' or 'She wasn't sure yet" that pigeon has (insert 'a') wool brown coat on and looks at her with kind eyes.
life came to a end. (an end)
Comment Written 11-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2024
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Thank you
Comment from DonandVicki
A flash fiction with a twist at the end. have seen so many people who do not have a clue as to where they will end up, so believe in oblivion, No God whatsoever.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2024
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A flash fiction with a twist at the end. have seen so many people who do not have a clue as to where they will end up, so believe in oblivion, No God whatsoever.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2024
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Thank you for the review