The Mashed Potato Fight
Join Sami on her involuntary journey through space3 total reviews
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
I hate when this happens, when you just are having a mash potato fight then next thing you know, you underwater with strange yet familiar creatures-- but you can, "still win this bitch!" lol lol
This story was so entertaining and I enjoyed the dialogue so it's good you added it. Thd vivid descriptions and fast paced action and imagery really made reading this vert enjoyable. Great work!
Best wishes,
Alex
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2025
  |
I hate when this happens, when you just are having a mash potato fight then next thing you know, you underwater with strange yet familiar creatures-- but you can, "still win this bitch!" lol lol
This story was so entertaining and I enjoyed the dialogue so it's good you added it. Thd vivid descriptions and fast paced action and imagery really made reading this vert enjoyable. Great work!
Best wishes,
Alex
Comment Written 29-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2025
-
Thank you (-: I actually changed quite a bit compared with my previous version, and I do hope it's an improvement.
-
Oh I'm sure it must be. You're welcome! :)
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Be careful with your adverb usage. Adverbs are essentially telling words and can skew the storytelling balance to telling over showing. they can also expose a weakness in verb choice and signal lazy writing. It's also important that when they are employed, to not couple them as this also draws attention.
There is a sense of passivity about the write as well. Was / were is employed a lot and looking for ways to write around their usage can make the writing more direct and immersive for the reader.
One thing that made me pause early on was the ability to hid behind stars etc, this would essentially mean that the vehicles travelled at enormous speeds or had immense heat shields. It's a world-building issue.
There is a lot of info dumping which takes place, particularly early on, tying to explain rules and world-building. It ,may be an idea to try and see if you could incorporate this more organically into the storytelling. Using the action and characters to deliver some of this rather than exposition.
I would spend some more time on his, working it all out a bit more and treating this like a template or draft or treatment to expand upon.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2025
 |
Hi there,
Be careful with your adverb usage. Adverbs are essentially telling words and can skew the storytelling balance to telling over showing. they can also expose a weakness in verb choice and signal lazy writing. It's also important that when they are employed, to not couple them as this also draws attention.
There is a sense of passivity about the write as well. Was / were is employed a lot and looking for ways to write around their usage can make the writing more direct and immersive for the reader.
One thing that made me pause early on was the ability to hid behind stars etc, this would essentially mean that the vehicles travelled at enormous speeds or had immense heat shields. It's a world-building issue.
There is a lot of info dumping which takes place, particularly early on, tying to explain rules and world-building. It ,may be an idea to try and see if you could incorporate this more organically into the storytelling. Using the action and characters to deliver some of this rather than exposition.
I would spend some more time on his, working it all out a bit more and treating this like a template or draft or treatment to expand upon.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 13-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2025
-
Hi, thanks for the feedback. Could you perhaps give me an example of what you mentioned in your first paragraph?
-
Yeah, with the adverbs it's finding a more robust way of saying it.
moved / ran quickly could become sprinted, dashed, darted.
It's looking for opportunities to show rather than tell. quickly modifies the verb when a better choice of verb doesn't need modified.
-
Thanks!!!
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Wow, your story was such a fun ride! I loved how the crew went from being stuck in the snow to zooming back into space with the help of the snowpeople. Now that was creative and hilarious. The traffic snowman handing out tickets had me grinning! The mashed potato fight at the end was the perfect way to wrap it all up. It made me laugh! You have such a great way of making even the most absurd moments feel natural and exciting. This was a blast to read!
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2025
|
Wow, your story was such a fun ride! I loved how the crew went from being stuck in the snow to zooming back into space with the help of the snowpeople. Now that was creative and hilarious. The traffic snowman handing out tickets had me grinning! The mashed potato fight at the end was the perfect way to wrap it all up. It made me laugh! You have such a great way of making even the most absurd moments feel natural and exciting. This was a blast to read!
Comment Written 12-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2025
-
Thanks for the positive feedback! The ideas that sometimes pop into my head can be so absurd that I'm not sure anyone but me would enjoy them, so thank you.
