Now That You're Gone...
My heart barely beats3 total reviews
Comment from Harambe iz ur Daddy
Hi author, this is a good contest entry with no clear SPAG errors. The meter works in most places as long the reader figures out where the accents are, and puts pauses in the right place, as these places change throughout, kind of like sobs. In some cases you're squishing as many syllables as possible into a binary meter, with no breaks for breathing, specifically in the last two lines. I think it would work better if you tried to keep one beat (two empty syllables) at the end of each stanza.
leaving me with endless rue <= rue is a verb, and its use as a noun has historical precedent but it's archaic, which might makes it come off as overdramatic and a clumsy malapropism used in this way
Your ring's on the bedside table <= I think you are short a syllable to make this work. Why not: "your ring IS ON" etc?
And you have an interesting image, with a very long loop for an animated gif showing an entire scene. Perhaps a bit overwrought to accompany a scene already overflowing with emotion. Yes, I would say "maudlin". But that is ok as long as you are aware of it. Grief can be overpowering and all encompassing.
Thanks for sharing and best of luck,
🦍
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2025
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Hi author, this is a good contest entry with no clear SPAG errors. The meter works in most places as long the reader figures out where the accents are, and puts pauses in the right place, as these places change throughout, kind of like sobs. In some cases you're squishing as many syllables as possible into a binary meter, with no breaks for breathing, specifically in the last two lines. I think it would work better if you tried to keep one beat (two empty syllables) at the end of each stanza.
leaving me with endless rue <= rue is a verb, and its use as a noun has historical precedent but it's archaic, which might makes it come off as overdramatic and a clumsy malapropism used in this way
Your ring's on the bedside table <= I think you are short a syllable to make this work. Why not: "your ring IS ON" etc?
And you have an interesting image, with a very long loop for an animated gif showing an entire scene. Perhaps a bit overwrought to accompany a scene already overflowing with emotion. Yes, I would say "maudlin". But that is ok as long as you are aware of it. Grief can be overpowering and all encompassing.
Thanks for sharing and best of luck,
🦍
Comment Written 15-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2025
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Thank you for all of your helpful advice and for this great review. :)
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
Oh this is very sad. I have left a violent husband and I went to therapy, got stron my own, and once I realized I deserved real love I met and within 5 months married my wonderful true husband it's been 13 years and it will last eternally. You must value yourself and if this is fiction damn. If not best wishes, be strong.
Alex
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2025
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Oh this is very sad. I have left a violent husband and I went to therapy, got stron my own, and once I realized I deserved real love I met and within 5 months married my wonderful true husband it's been 13 years and it will last eternally. You must value yourself and if this is fiction damn. If not best wishes, be strong.
Alex
Comment Written 13-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2025
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It is fiction...I've been married to the same man for 40 years. I'm so glad you found your soulmate. Thank you for reading my poem.
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Oh! Good writer!! ha ha You're welcome!!
Comment from LJbutterfly
Your creative words adequately express the thoughts and feelings of many heartbroken women. They sincerely love a man who casts them aside never realizing the extent of their loss. Your words are sincere, heartfelt, and realistic. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2025
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Your creative words adequately express the thoughts and feelings of many heartbroken women. They sincerely love a man who casts them aside never realizing the extent of their loss. Your words are sincere, heartfelt, and realistic. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 13-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2025
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Thanks so much, it's very appreciated. :)
