Reviews from

MADHOUSE

Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Fun Times"
A Day at Sea World

27 total reviews 
Comment from Garyaf
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Good description of action, excellent dialog. You can easily picture the characters in your mind. To the point without unnecessary fluff.

 Comment Written 22-May-2014


reply by the author on 22-May-2014
    Thank you for the review!

    Gayle
Comment from crazy gemini
Good
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It was interesting and held your attention throughout the story. Good for a first chapter, as there was a clear description of each character.

 Comment Written 27-Dec-2008


reply by the author on 27-Dec-2008
    Hi Gemini,

    Wow, I haven't seen a review for this in ages and it's very fortuitious because I'm about to publish this one and I'd love more input from you. There must be some good tidbits I need to hear since you obviously found problems and I'd love to know what.

    Thanks and I hope you can come back and work with me!

    Best,
    Gayle
Comment from Twisted-ink
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

"Check your cell phones for service." They did so, nodding at him in agreement. "Molly and Beth, you know the drill. Stay together at all times, especially in the restrooms. Buddy system, right? I wish you'd stay with us ..." he cast a quick glance at his son, "but I know you prefer to be alone. We'll have our first meet-up at the dolphin display in two hours. Ten o'clock sharp." How apt this is, exactly what I did with my mob. Very believable, well written, loving it, must read 'Sam Hudson' next


 Comment Written 14-Nov-2008


reply by the author on 15-Nov-2008
    Well, hi there, purplerustynails! My, what an interesting name.

    Well, I am thrilled to see this one out again. It truly was one of my favorites and I hope you continue to enjoy it.

    Thank you so much for the kind comments and your wonderful R&R!

    Best,
    Gayle
Comment from Domino
Excellent
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Hi, Gayle, thought I'd take a peek. I'm useless at SPAG so won't bore you with corrections, unless blatantly obvious. I'm no expert on prose, either, and have read very little in my life. I recently completed a kids book. I'd love to be able to write for adults, but I haven't the imagination, skill, wordiness or vocabulary, unfortunately!

Realistic and perceptive description of the young girls in the car.
'inferior 'sex' LOL
Is it really called a 'fanny' pack? - you know what that word means, over here? LOL
Great wind-up lines between the kids - 'bubble but' LOL.
This is a great opener, with us getting to know the characters in a casual and realistic way. Easy paced and great one-liners. Also very perceptive observation of behaviour (from memory, I guess)
I don't mean 'distant' LOL

I'll have a look at the latest chapter, just wanted to check background and your style. Very professional and polished, I must say. Ray xx

 Comment Written 02-Jul-2008


reply by the author on 02-Jul-2008
    Hi Ray,

    This was a really fun book to write. Kids are always wonderful to work with and I had loads of fun with this group.

    Thank you so much for the R&R. If you decide you want to cruise through some more, you don't have to leave a review...no bucks left.

    I'll probably be starting another book here soon. It's always neat to start at the beginning.

    Again, thanks for the great comments!

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment from sharon fallis
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

You know, Gayle. There is something about the car ride that I seem to not be getting. It is the amount of people and the seating arrangement. {The location of everyone}. is confusing, and also about everyone who is in the car. Also, the ages of the girls and the brother. It is the brother that is Danny. Right? I had the impression that he was much younger than the girls, and then the place comes up with he has the 'hots' for Beth. Please clarify this or refine it more. Hugs Sharon

 Comment Written 13-Jun-2008


reply by the author on 13-Jun-2008
    Hi Sharon,

    So nice to see you again. Okay, they're in an SUV. The parents in the front seat, the girls in the second jump seat and Danny in the back. He's twelve, they're old gals of fifteen!

    Thanks so much for the R&R and your comments. I hope I cleared up your questions.

    Hugs,
    Gayle
reply by sharon fallis on 13-Jun-2008
    Gayle, you did. I am so slow at getting to these that I don't know if I could even help you any. But and struggling on reading them the best I can. Am having trouble with my eyes, when I read very much. Really have to work at it. Hugs.....Sharon
Comment from Sissy
Good
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Hi Gayle!

Finally got around to the first chapter of this. Shoot, I hate being so out of the loop! Anyway, this was an interesting opening. Who is this kid with the dark wavy hair and what is he up to? My one question to you is, if this is a horror and thriller piece, I didn't get a sense of that here yet. I know it's only the first chapter, but I wanted to feel a little unease at first. Think about it anyway. I'm not sure it's necessary (I think I need to read more first!), but figured I'd offer it up.

Overall, not much to pick on, just a couple of things to check out:

Gray-blue eyes wide with anticipation, she nudged Molly and
Molly and Beth climbed out of the car, eyes wide in anticipation.
(double 'eyes wide w/ aniticipation'. Adjust one.)

you'd stay with us," he cast a quick glance at his son, "but I know you (I'm not sure about the line in b/w dialogue. I'm not sure it's correct. Something like: : '...with us," casting a quick glance at his son, "but..." I've seen before and often.)

Molly breathed a sigh of relief as they walked away from her family. "That kid makes me crazy," she said (need that 'she said' at the end? It just hangs there. Consider eliminating.)

Man, what a doll, huh?"
Beth nodded, chewing on the crispy waffle. She raised a finger, swallowed and said, "Very sexy." She studied him a bit longer and nodded. "I think it's really important that a guy look sexy, don't you? I hate that boy next door, squeaky clean look."
(Is this taking place today? I'm not sure 'doll' and 'sexy' work for today's lingo. Maybe 'hot', 'hottie'. My one friend used to say 'a cool drink of water' which was always my favorite, but that might be dated too. Do a little search on lingo and see what you come up with!! Some of the slang dictionaries on line are really crass, but you can actually find some good stuff if you can stomach them!)

"He's got a great tushe, that's for sure." (tushe? hahahahah! Love it, but again, maybe not what we'd hear today.)

one with the dark hair? He's so sexy (<--again, I'd expect something like "He's so hot.')

but after her quick explanation and his acceptance that she'd done this dozens of times before and knew the drill, he said, "Have fun." (I thought the 'he said, 'Have fun.' was a bit awkward at the end of this. Consider just something like "He just said have fun' or 'just told her to have fun', versus using dialogue.)

I feel a bit rusty with my reviews, so bear with me if this is awkward. I need to get back into things on FS, and bust out of my writer's block!

Take care, girl! Eagerly awaiting news on DS !

Sis


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 Comment Written 05-Jun-2008


reply by the author on 06-Jun-2008
    Hey Sissy,

    Another fab review. I'm blushing at my antiquated lingo. I changed much of that, and if you get a chance, please check it out. Also, would you have your kids tell you some up to date ways to say, "rad, sexy, cute, far out" and any other words they say regularly. One caveat..can't just be NY or CA slang. I'm hoping to sell this to the whole country.

    Thanks so much, here's a thumb!

    Gayle
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
Excellent
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A captivating start to a story. this novel is going to get into the publishing world too, i believe. i love the way the story move smooth from scene to scene without awkwardness. the steps looks very natural -that of a talented and experienced writer. the speed and apce is spaced out well, and the only problem i had was the number of names to memorise .
Stephy.

 Comment Written 26-May-2008


reply by the author on 27-May-2008
    OH! Stephy, you did! You went back. Darn, I wish I wasn't so busted, I'd send you a pump. I'm blushing with pleasure at your kind and encouraging words.

    I hope you continue to like the story and as I say, you don't have to leave a review if you don't want to. It's just wonderful to know you're reading along.

    Hugs,
    Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Excellent
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Ok, Gayle. I'm going to try to catch up to you on this. I do realize books tend to make more sense when you start them at the beginning. Aren't little brothers a pain in the butt?

 Comment Written 25-May-2008


reply by the author on 27-May-2008
    LOL, they sure are, Jan,

    I'm so glad you are starting at the beginning. As you say, makes things easier. I'm busted flat or I'd send you a pump. But here, have a thumb!

    You're the best,

    Gayle
Comment from Paradox Tremors
Excellent
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A very enjoyable read and nice start to a novel. I feel a little wary of the teen that seems to keep popping up on the girls. I hope they have the good sense to watch out for the trouble he might bring. Guess I'll move onto the next chapter.

 Comment Written 24-May-2008


reply by the author on 25-May-2008
    Hey Par,

    You said you were going to do it, and here you are! I'm so glad you're enjoying this book and look forward to hearing your comments.

    Gayle
reply by Paradox Tremors on 25-May-2008
    didn't doubt me di you?
Comment from Jonez08
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Hi there, I've been so busy, I haven't been able to read the previous chapters. I'm glad I made it to the first. So Sam is handsome huh....I immediately thought of Theodore Bundy. He was said to be smart, handsome and deadly. You've chosen such a wonderful storyline. I'm really enjoying.

Cassandra

 Comment Written 24-May-2008


reply by the author on 24-May-2008
    YES! Cass! That's exactly who I thought of when I put Sam together. On man, we'll never have an exact count, but they believe he killed more than 100 women. Can you believe it? ::shudders::

    I lived in Seattle for part of the time he did his thing and I'm tellin' ya, girl, it was scary for sure. Finally nailed the bastard.

    Hey, I just love that you're going back but don't feel like you have to leave a review if you don't want to. I know there's no bucks and the site makes ya go on and on. I'm just thrilled ya liked it enough to go back!

    Hugs,
    Gayle