Contest Entry and Winners
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Was it Heaven or Hell?"Short Stories
41 total reviews
Comment from shygirl21
The girls and I are a staple at Kelly's Nightclub on Friday nights. The liquor flows, the women get wild, and everybody has a good time. It's a small town and we're just friends blowing off steam after working all week. Tonight, a stranger sat at the end of the bar, quietly making love to his bottle of beer. He wasn't any ordinary stranger, not this one. He was drop dead gorgeous and put every other guy in the house to shame.
This paragraph is perfect. All in one you have easily painted the scene for the reader and instantly made them curious. Great imagery.
The band started playing one of those songs where you just have to get up and move. - I love songs like these! I have a few on my itunes playlist that I have to make sure don't come on when I'm writing, cause everything gets dropped and I just have to dance about like a loony lmao
I was pleased I had always treated myself with satin sheets, red satin sheets. Maybe I had been planning for this very night all my life. I was glad I was ready. - this really made me giggle, but not because of you lol. I love satin sheets, I think they are really sexy and can totally make the mood, but I always end up slipping and sliding right out the bed when they are on, so they are now retired to the back of a cupboard lmao.
the once dreamy pools of blue were now cold as steel. - oooh loved this description!
wow, you are totally and utterly awesome! Loved this story. I definitely think suspense and thriller writing is your forte
Pamela
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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The girls and I are a staple at Kelly's Nightclub on Friday nights. The liquor flows, the women get wild, and everybody has a good time. It's a small town and we're just friends blowing off steam after working all week. Tonight, a stranger sat at the end of the bar, quietly making love to his bottle of beer. He wasn't any ordinary stranger, not this one. He was drop dead gorgeous and put every other guy in the house to shame.
This paragraph is perfect. All in one you have easily painted the scene for the reader and instantly made them curious. Great imagery.
The band started playing one of those songs where you just have to get up and move. - I love songs like these! I have a few on my itunes playlist that I have to make sure don't come on when I'm writing, cause everything gets dropped and I just have to dance about like a loony lmao
I was pleased I had always treated myself with satin sheets, red satin sheets. Maybe I had been planning for this very night all my life. I was glad I was ready. - this really made me giggle, but not because of you lol. I love satin sheets, I think they are really sexy and can totally make the mood, but I always end up slipping and sliding right out the bed when they are on, so they are now retired to the back of a cupboard lmao.
the once dreamy pools of blue were now cold as steel. - oooh loved this description!
wow, you are totally and utterly awesome! Loved this story. I definitely think suspense and thriller writing is your forte
Pamela
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Pamela
Thank you so much. I'm glad you got a chance to read one of my stories. And especially because you enjoyed it. I'm writing another thriller... I planned on entering it in the contest, but now I don't know. It's got a life of it's own. I think I'm at 4000 words and only 2/3 of the way through. Probably too long for one reading. Any suggestions?
Thanks again for the awesome review. I loved it!
Carol
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Just one: forget the story, start the book!
Comment from maxic59
Well done a very well recognized all time best story.
You have captured the suspense really well.
A very good ending
good luck in the competition.
Cheers max
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Well done a very well recognized all time best story.
You have captured the suspense really well.
A very good ending
good luck in the competition.
Cheers max
Comment Written 11-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2009
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Max
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing my story. I am glad that you enjoyed it. Thanks again Carol
Comment from Blaidd Drwg
Wow, glad I didn't miss this one! I was away for a long weekend--just got back--and had 100+ PM's, so I've been kinda selective - If I try to look at 'em all, I'll never catch up! :)
This is one of those stories you can see what's coming, but its alos one of those stories that's so well written you dont care. OK, so we knew the destination, it was the ride that was the thrill.
Great story, Carol
John
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Wow, glad I didn't miss this one! I was away for a long weekend--just got back--and had 100+ PM's, so I've been kinda selective - If I try to look at 'em all, I'll never catch up! :)
This is one of those stories you can see what's coming, but its alos one of those stories that's so well written you dont care. OK, so we knew the destination, it was the ride that was the thrill.
Great story, Carol
John
Comment Written 10-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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John...Thanks for the awesome review. I am glad you enjoyed the story. Hope you had a good time on your weekend. One of these days, I need to do that...leave the ole computer behind. Thanks again. Carol
Comment from Kathryn Varuzza
Great, great story.
Very chilling and suspenseful.
Great balance between dialog, action and description.
A pleasure to read.
Great depiction of best friends.
Kathryn
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Great, great story.
Very chilling and suspenseful.
Great balance between dialog, action and description.
A pleasure to read.
Great depiction of best friends.
Kathryn
Comment Written 10-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Kathryn
Thank you so much for the kind review. I am glad you enjoyed the story. Thanks again Carol
Comment from Quire's Gal
Wow! What a thrill ride! Something was definitely wrong! and you did a great job bringing this theme back in the latter half of the story. First of all, you had me really going on the romance part of the story. I was looking forward to a hot and heavy love scene, but you made a slow and beautiful transition to the frightening part. Your metaphors were excellent, and I really "felt" everything your heroine was going though. Your pacing was absolutely perfect, keeping the reader hooked throughout. This is an excellent entry for this contest, and I think you have a winner here!
I entered too with a humorous true story called "All's Fair in Love and Mc-War" (in case you want to check out the competition). However, I feel you have done more justice to the opening line than I did.
One question though...how did you get your font so big and clear? Did you transfer from your word processor? Or did you use the advanced editor?
Let me know if you can.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
Katherine
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2009
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Wow! What a thrill ride! Something was definitely wrong! and you did a great job bringing this theme back in the latter half of the story. First of all, you had me really going on the romance part of the story. I was looking forward to a hot and heavy love scene, but you made a slow and beautiful transition to the frightening part. Your metaphors were excellent, and I really "felt" everything your heroine was going though. Your pacing was absolutely perfect, keeping the reader hooked throughout. This is an excellent entry for this contest, and I think you have a winner here!
I entered too with a humorous true story called "All's Fair in Love and Mc-War" (in case you want to check out the competition). However, I feel you have done more justice to the opening line than I did.
One question though...how did you get your font so big and clear? Did you transfer from your word processor? Or did you use the advanced editor?
Let me know if you can.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
Katherine
Comment Written 09-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2009
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Katherine
After I transfer from my word processor, I save it. Then I return to the advance editor...where I can increase the size and change the font style. Let me know if you need any further information...I'll be glad to help.
Since you have already posted, you can edit, get the advanced editor and save.
I'll be sure and read your story. I'm surprised I haven't ran across it yet. Thanks for check mine out. Glad you enjoyed it.
Take care. Let me know if you need help.
Carol
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I'm going to take you up on your offer Carol. How do I use the advanced editor to increase (and perhaps thicken) my font without transferring from my word processor? No hurry on this, as the due date isn't for a while yet.
Thanks so much for your kind offer to help!
Hugs,
Katherine
Comment from bc1yax
a most enjoyable short story - yes, sometimes it is good to listen to others -
-- the story was very smooth - no lumps or bumps to slow it down - characters felt alive to me -
-- bc1yax
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2009
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a most enjoyable short story - yes, sometimes it is good to listen to others -
-- the story was very smooth - no lumps or bumps to slow it down - characters felt alive to me -
-- bc1yax
Comment Written 09-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2009
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Thanks so much for reading my story and enjoying it. I appreciate it. Carol
Comment from Sally Carter
Terrific writing! Not a wasted word, immediate and exciting, and I didn't spot a single typo - though I was so wrapped up in the story I might not have noticed. No, seriously, if there had been anything, I think it would have stopped me in my tracks, and absolutely nothing did. This may not be the kind of story I would choose to read, but that in no way detracts from your skill as a storyteller. I genuinely think you have a great talent. A pleasure to read this.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2009
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Terrific writing! Not a wasted word, immediate and exciting, and I didn't spot a single typo - though I was so wrapped up in the story I might not have noticed. No, seriously, if there had been anything, I think it would have stopped me in my tracks, and absolutely nothing did. This may not be the kind of story I would choose to read, but that in no way detracts from your skill as a storyteller. I genuinely think you have a great talent. A pleasure to read this.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2009
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MIdlifecrisis
Thank you for your generous words and giving my confidence a boost today. Certainly appreciate the review. Thanks again Carol
Comment from allinmyhead
Very well done. You built the drama at a nice pace. You managed to give an edge of innocence to your Mary Beth, just enough for the reader to empathize with her rather than condemn her for stupidly taking this man home. Her youth and naive belief in Prince Charming overshadow her wanton display of sexuality.
I read this story through twice. After the second read, knowing the ending, my feeling is that the suspense would be much higher if the first paragraph were to be changed, taking everything out that hints of the coming disaster. The reader begins to get a hint that something is going awry when the phone begins to ring -- just one of those feelings -- and this horrible scenario would have more impact if the story had just unfolded without the giveaway of the first paragraph.
My only other criticism -- a tiny one -- is the use of smelling salts. Does anyone actually have smelling salts in their home these days? Surely the paramedics would have access to something a bit more modern.
Tiny critiques. Excellent, dramatic piece of work.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2009
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Very well done. You built the drama at a nice pace. You managed to give an edge of innocence to your Mary Beth, just enough for the reader to empathize with her rather than condemn her for stupidly taking this man home. Her youth and naive belief in Prince Charming overshadow her wanton display of sexuality.
I read this story through twice. After the second read, knowing the ending, my feeling is that the suspense would be much higher if the first paragraph were to be changed, taking everything out that hints of the coming disaster. The reader begins to get a hint that something is going awry when the phone begins to ring -- just one of those feelings -- and this horrible scenario would have more impact if the story had just unfolded without the giveaway of the first paragraph.
My only other criticism -- a tiny one -- is the use of smelling salts. Does anyone actually have smelling salts in their home these days? Surely the paramedics would have access to something a bit more modern.
Tiny critiques. Excellent, dramatic piece of work.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2009
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Allinmyhead
I appreciate your review and suggestions. I'm sort of stuck with the first paragraph because the contest rules say I have to start the story with Something was wrong. I tried to mix the chill factor with the thoughts of romance with Prince Charming. Any suggestions how you would change it?
I couldn't think of what modern day EMTs use beside smelling salts....maybe I can research it.
Thanks again for the assistance. Carol
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OH ... didn't realize you were stuck with the opener... but -
You could still avoid connecting 'something was wrong' with the scenario that unfolds in the house later in the evening by making it more about the stranger at the bar. When you have her spy this gorgeous hunk a the bar, who doesn't seem to being paying any attention to anyone, that he hasn't even turned his head when the girls cut loose withn their raucous laughter ... something about their being 'man magnets' and what was wrong with this guy, and what was wrong with them? Oh, no... could he be gay... then she begins testing the waters (she could do it on a dare) and flirting and dancing and.....
I don't think you would have to change much to avoid giving away where this story is leading.
Maybe the EMTs would just give her a bit of oxygen?????
I think you have a really good story here.
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Thanks for the suggestions. I am going to consider a revision on that first paragraph as soon as possible. I appreciate the ideas, CArol
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You're welcome. That's why we're all here :)
Remember, it's just my opinion. You are an excellent writer, so go with your gut.
Comment from fictionwriter
Wow, another awesome little story. I've been taken in by men too, but not killers, just not all they're cracked up to be. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2009
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Wow, another awesome little story. I've been taken in by men too, but not killers, just not all they're cracked up to be. Nicely done.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2009
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fictionwriter
Thanks for the kind review. I imagine many girls have been caught in this trap. Look at those one's from the craigslist..applying for a job. It's not safe out there. Thanks for enjoying my story. Carol
Comment from RebelRose
Wow...now I can catch the breath I didn't even realize I was holding. This one had me on the edge of my seat. I was thinking I was reading of Heaven then it all went to Hell. A very good story, well written, and I enjoyed it very much.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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Wow...now I can catch the breath I didn't even realize I was holding. This one had me on the edge of my seat. I was thinking I was reading of Heaven then it all went to Hell. A very good story, well written, and I enjoyed it very much.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2009
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RebelRose
You put a smile on my face. I am so glad when I get that kind of a reaction. Thanks so much for the wonderful review. Carol
