Special Delivery
Somebody knows . . . somebody always knows.71 total reviews
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
The horror of horrors. This should have been a first. From beginning to end the story sails. It's all there, sex, revenge, horror, and surprise. What a nasty man. Special Delivery is a mystery. ?????? "Two Heads Are Better Than One" is very good, but it would hint at the ending. All in all, very gory.
:)Ralf
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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The horror of horrors. This should have been a first. From beginning to end the story sails. It's all there, sex, revenge, horror, and surprise. What a nasty man. Special Delivery is a mystery. ?????? "Two Heads Are Better Than One" is very good, but it would hint at the ending. All in all, very gory.
:)Ralf
Comment Written 12-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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Sorry bout that. LOL :) Bob
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But good! LOL. Ralf
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Thank you, :) Bob
Comment from TimothyGriffin
Very nice work. The flow in this story was magnificent, keeping me hooked from start to finish. Tony is very matter-of-fact which I liked in his character. Upon killing his wife and lover, he shows no regret, just thinks, "
Who needs it, I'll sleep in my fuckin' La-Z-Boy downstairs. Fuck this shit, I gotta lot to do." He is totally on-board with no doubt about punishing his unfaithful wife. The other part I really enjoyed in this story was, "He wasn't really sure what it was . . . Just something . . . something out there on the periphery of his sleep." You used a common situation, on the edge of sleep, to heighten the suspense in the ending. Well done.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
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Very nice work. The flow in this story was magnificent, keeping me hooked from start to finish. Tony is very matter-of-fact which I liked in his character. Upon killing his wife and lover, he shows no regret, just thinks, "
Who needs it, I'll sleep in my fuckin' La-Z-Boy downstairs. Fuck this shit, I gotta lot to do." He is totally on-board with no doubt about punishing his unfaithful wife. The other part I really enjoyed in this story was, "He wasn't really sure what it was . . . Just something . . . something out there on the periphery of his sleep." You used a common situation, on the edge of sleep, to heighten the suspense in the ending. Well done.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
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Thanks, Tm...Wow! What a grand, in depth review...I truly appreciate it...Thanks for your time..Iowe you a nomination...which I will give you after they give me my new ones...Thanks again...Bob
Comment from bkrighter
The genre is not among my favorites, but this was an interesting tale with a lot of detail--more than some could stomach, I would guess. You kept me interested long enough to read it all, something I rarely do with this genre. Good job.
Steve
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
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The genre is not among my favorites, but this was an interesting tale with a lot of detail--more than some could stomach, I would guess. You kept me interested long enough to read it all, something I rarely do with this genre. Good job.
Steve
Comment Written 02-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
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AAaaah. Thanks so much, bkrighter. I appreciate your seemingly honest review of my story, your candor and for not knocking me down because of it. Bob
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It would be pretty arrogant to believe and act as if I were the final arbiter of what constitutes good writing. My genre prefeernces are personal, not something I would impose on another. You just keep on writing what you like. Make it as good as you can, and who can really ask for more?
Steve
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You, my friend...are a real gentleman...Bob
Comment from rama devi
oh my, Bob. I found it very difficult to read this gory tale, but have to admit it is very well written. I must stay away from this genre---I get mental-indigestion reading gory, sexy thrillers. Been trying to jump out of the box and read new things---But must admit I feel a bit queasy!
That aside, this is finely crafted with strong, solid character development, dialog and descriptive narrative. The plot has lots of twists and turns.
My only nit is the out of the blue and unresolved nature of the ending. I think the two heads is clever and makes a good ending. But the fact that the reader has no clue who has left them there detracts from the effect. Maybe having more of a sense of tension and anxiety about a nosy neighbor next door---perhaps noticing a curtain move, creating doubt and suspicion that someone is watching him woudl remedy that.
or make him feel more apprehension about Charlie's visit.
Another little nit is that no one seemed disturbed by hearing the gunshot or the chainsaw. that seems unrealistic to me.
Strong entry for the contest. Horror fans will love this, for sure.
I am not a fan of horror and will desist from reading it from now on---LOL
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
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oh my, Bob. I found it very difficult to read this gory tale, but have to admit it is very well written. I must stay away from this genre---I get mental-indigestion reading gory, sexy thrillers. Been trying to jump out of the box and read new things---But must admit I feel a bit queasy!
That aside, this is finely crafted with strong, solid character development, dialog and descriptive narrative. The plot has lots of twists and turns.
My only nit is the out of the blue and unresolved nature of the ending. I think the two heads is clever and makes a good ending. But the fact that the reader has no clue who has left them there detracts from the effect. Maybe having more of a sense of tension and anxiety about a nosy neighbor next door---perhaps noticing a curtain move, creating doubt and suspicion that someone is watching him woudl remedy that.
or make him feel more apprehension about Charlie's visit.
Another little nit is that no one seemed disturbed by hearing the gunshot or the chainsaw. that seems unrealistic to me.
Strong entry for the contest. Horror fans will love this, for sure.
I am not a fan of horror and will desist from reading it from now on---LOL
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 02-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2009
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Thanks rama...I truly appreciate your fine review..as usual, .Bob
Comment from ms. cardshark
Well, I was warned, and read anyway. No prude, but a little too gory and sexually explicit for my taste. But many would disagree, it seems. Horrifying surprise ending, really creepy. The term, the sexing couple, is new to me, kind of took me out of the story.
Congratulations on the all time best award.
MM
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
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Well, I was warned, and read anyway. No prude, but a little too gory and sexually explicit for my taste. But many would disagree, it seems. Horrifying surprise ending, really creepy. The term, the sexing couple, is new to me, kind of took me out of the story.
Congratulations on the all time best award.
MM
Comment Written 01-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
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So, please alow me some levity here, ms...You saw th ewarnings...read it anyway, and cut my stars because you didn't appreciate that? Bob
Comment from Colin Douglas
Acrobatic sex and nauseating gore! What more could a horror story need?
This was extremely well written and succeeded in drawing my attention to the end.
Loved the ending. I think it would have been better, though if the ending didn't come from out of nowhere. Perhaps if he'd been plagued by voices or hallucinations. Maybe a kid dressed up as a murder victim that reminded him of his murder. You could have had him yelling at and scaring the kid, and then afterwards realizing how foolish that was.
Another thing that might have helped is something spooky happening while he was dumping the mutilated bodies.
Some details:
"An even six foot tall, and sixty-three, Tony still had substantial strength in his massive frame, evident in his long, knotty arms, and broad shoulders." Start of with his age here rather than breaking up the statement with it: "Although sixty-three years old, Tony was six feet tall and still had..."
"Tony jumped up, grabbed the man by the hair of the head and yanked. "Ahhhhhh!" the guy yelped." Take out "of the head." If you say "hair" people automatically assume the head.
"The body of the women he loved..." You meant "woman"
"I'd appreciate it, Pal." Thanks for stopping" You have an extra quotation mark here.
I was wanting to give this five stars except for two things. One, well, the whole gangster-like husband comes home unexpectedly and kills his wife and wife's lover is a little over-done. Two, the one thing that set this story apart from others like it came suddenly in the last line or two.
If there was more foreshadowing this would have fallen onto the five-star side of the fence.
Thank you for sharing. This was fun stuff.
Colin
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
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Acrobatic sex and nauseating gore! What more could a horror story need?
This was extremely well written and succeeded in drawing my attention to the end.
Loved the ending. I think it would have been better, though if the ending didn't come from out of nowhere. Perhaps if he'd been plagued by voices or hallucinations. Maybe a kid dressed up as a murder victim that reminded him of his murder. You could have had him yelling at and scaring the kid, and then afterwards realizing how foolish that was.
Another thing that might have helped is something spooky happening while he was dumping the mutilated bodies.
Some details:
"An even six foot tall, and sixty-three, Tony still had substantial strength in his massive frame, evident in his long, knotty arms, and broad shoulders." Start of with his age here rather than breaking up the statement with it: "Although sixty-three years old, Tony was six feet tall and still had..."
"Tony jumped up, grabbed the man by the hair of the head and yanked. "Ahhhhhh!" the guy yelped." Take out "of the head." If you say "hair" people automatically assume the head.
"The body of the women he loved..." You meant "woman"
"I'd appreciate it, Pal." Thanks for stopping" You have an extra quotation mark here.
I was wanting to give this five stars except for two things. One, well, the whole gangster-like husband comes home unexpectedly and kills his wife and wife's lover is a little over-done. Two, the one thing that set this story apart from others like it came suddenly in the last line or two.
If there was more foreshadowing this would have fallen onto the five-star side of the fence.
Thank you for sharing. This was fun stuff.
Colin
Comment Written 01-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
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Thanks so much, Colin...I sure appreciate your in depth review...I made all of the changes except I cannot change the entire story by "underdoing the killing" nor forshadowing more...I have always written my stories with the intention of a surprise ending...and I felt that the heads on the porch leaves a lot to the reader's imagination...as in who knows...who saw him...and of course the payback heart attack. I'm sorry I cannot garner that extra star, but I guess it's just a matter of individual style ..and I do appreciate the four anyway...Thanks again...Bob
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Thanks so much, Colin...I sure appreciate your in depth review...I made all of the changes except I cannot change the entire story by "underdoing the killing" nor forshadowing more...I have always written my stories with the intention of a surprise ending...and I felt that the heads on the porch leaves a lot to the reader's imagination...as in who knows...who saw him...and of course the payback heart attack. I'm sorry I cannot garner that extra star, but I guess it's just a matter of individual style ..and I do appreciate the four anyway...Thanks again...Bob
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Yes, I do love the heads at the end. I don't know if I mentioned this, but I thought a description of the heads, even one small, identifying detail would be in order. Perhaps just a blood-matted golden lock, if it was emphasized before that she had golden hair. You wouldn't want to go overboard with the description, but just something to make it clear whose heads they were.
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Yes, Colin, It is a thought..However, I just figured the reader could put two and two together as it were and know someone must have seen him...right? Further just asz a matter of accuracy....I never did describe Lisa........blonde hair...nothing....nor the boyfriend...and I have had nobody call me on it...Take care...Bob
Comment from leachwriter
Good story up until the end...then you left me a bit disappointed. What did I miss? The only hint I saw that he wasn't alone in the woods was this part:
Off to his left, an owl hooted from high in a stand of pines. Still listening, Tony thought he heard something different and abruptly turned but saw nothing. I'm too fuckin' jumpy. Still, he felt rather than saw somebody behind him. Just a characteristic little burr down the small of his back. Nah . . . bullshit.
No inclination or suspicion on Tony's part that anyone followed him back home. So, if someone saw him burying the body parts, how would they know who he was or where he lived, since he drove over an hour to get there? Or was it suppose to be a hallucination by Tony that he saw the two heads on his porch? Or was it a supernatural occurrence, like a haunting? I feel like you left too much up in the air and didn't lay enough ground work for such an abrupt ending....kind of cheating the reader. However, other than that, the story in whole was well written, flowed well, gruesome details, made the wife out to be a real slut and her lover a victim of his own stupidity; and Tony a greedy vindictive, cold blooded murderer. Talk about a dysfunctional bunch, I felt no pity for any of the characters because they lacked any warmth and didn't display any likable characteristics that would warrant sympathy from the reader. Those are areas that you might want to incorporate into your story next time. I don't mean to cast a negative light on your work. I really do think you have weaved a good story, you have much talent, and I am merely giving you my opinion of how the story could be improved. Something to think about.
Best regards
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
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Good story up until the end...then you left me a bit disappointed. What did I miss? The only hint I saw that he wasn't alone in the woods was this part:
Off to his left, an owl hooted from high in a stand of pines. Still listening, Tony thought he heard something different and abruptly turned but saw nothing. I'm too fuckin' jumpy. Still, he felt rather than saw somebody behind him. Just a characteristic little burr down the small of his back. Nah . . . bullshit.
No inclination or suspicion on Tony's part that anyone followed him back home. So, if someone saw him burying the body parts, how would they know who he was or where he lived, since he drove over an hour to get there? Or was it suppose to be a hallucination by Tony that he saw the two heads on his porch? Or was it a supernatural occurrence, like a haunting? I feel like you left too much up in the air and didn't lay enough ground work for such an abrupt ending....kind of cheating the reader. However, other than that, the story in whole was well written, flowed well, gruesome details, made the wife out to be a real slut and her lover a victim of his own stupidity; and Tony a greedy vindictive, cold blooded murderer. Talk about a dysfunctional bunch, I felt no pity for any of the characters because they lacked any warmth and didn't display any likable characteristics that would warrant sympathy from the reader. Those are areas that you might want to incorporate into your story next time. I don't mean to cast a negative light on your work. I really do think you have weaved a good story, you have much talent, and I am merely giving you my opinion of how the story could be improved. Something to think about.
Best regards
Comment Written 01-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
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"No inclination or suspicion on Tony's part that anyone followed him back home." LOL...No, there wouldn't be...as you said i led you right down the old road...you had no idea who spottewd him and that was intentional...I dare say you didn't expect the heads on the porch either. I believe we simply have a reader preference here, leachwriter. Thanks for the review...and the stars... Bob
Comment from r.voza
considering that this was for a halloween story contest, i don't feel that the explicit sex was necessary. don't get me wrong, i love reading explicit sex scenes. but i can't see how it belongs in a halloween story. this could have easily been written without that detail. i realize you had to have a reason for someone to want revenge, but you could have done it without the details.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
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considering that this was for a halloween story contest, i don't feel that the explicit sex was necessary. don't get me wrong, i love reading explicit sex scenes. but i can't see how it belongs in a halloween story. this could have easily been written without that detail. i realize you had to have a reason for someone to want revenge, but you could have done it without the details.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
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Thanks for the four star review, r voza. The rules say the Halloween thing is not even that important...the idea is to write a story that is scary..According to what I have so far...it accomplished that, thank goodness. Yes, i know the sex could have been eliminated, but I have always learned that "imagery" and "show me...don't tell me" are two basic concepts in good writing. I strive for that...always. I did have all the warnings listed for this by the way, so I am sorry if you were offended by the sex...Next time I suggst you steer clear of anything with such a warning. By the way, I am a bit confused? I was looking at your bio and saw this??
"i like to review things that have very few reviews. that's the way it oughta be." I find this a strange remark considering there are almost 100 reviews on this. Again thanks so very much for yhour time and your review...Bob
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Thanks for the four star review, r voza. The rules say the Halloween thing is not even that important...the idea is to write a story that is scary..According to what I have so far...it accomplished that, thank goodness. Yes, i know the sex could have been eliminated, but I have always learned that "imagery" and "show me...don't tell me" are two basic concepts in good writing. I strive for that...always. I did have all the warnings listed for this by the way, so I am sorry if you were offended by the sex...Next time I suggst you steer clear of anything with such a warning. By the way, I am a bit confused? I was looking at your bio and saw this??
"i like to review things that have very few reviews. that's the way it oughta be." I find this a strange remark considering there are almost 100 reviews on this. Again thanks so very much for yhour time and your review...Bob
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i'm glad you read what i said about reviewing things without a lot of reviews. however, you didn't read the part where i said that i love reading about explicit sex, but i felt that it wasn't necessary for that type of story.
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Oh...I see
Comment from StevenJosephBruening
A well crafted and thoroughly detailed short story with a nice twist at the end. Your aptitude for creating quickly establishing the scenario is excellent, as is your flawless mastery of both inner and external character dialogues. The filn noir feeling of this moody dark piece is well defined. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and was captivated by each carefully chosen word and phrasing.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
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A well crafted and thoroughly detailed short story with a nice twist at the end. Your aptitude for creating quickly establishing the scenario is excellent, as is your flawless mastery of both inner and external character dialogues. The filn noir feeling of this moody dark piece is well defined. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and was captivated by each carefully chosen word and phrasing.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
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Wow! Thanks so very much, Steven...What an in depth type review you've done here, I feel..Have a great day...you sure made mine! Bob
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Bob:
My pleasure.
~ Steven
Comment from WRITER1
I guess there was someone out there watching him, he should have looked around a little harder. Now he is the one who will be paying for it.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
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I guess there was someone out there watching him, he should have looked around a little harder. Now he is the one who will be paying for it.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2009
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2009
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Thanks,Writer...But what did you think of Charlie and Lisa? I'd apprreciate your take on that..Thanks so much...Bob
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I think you portrayed Lisa as the slut she was. She only married Tony for his money in the first place. Status and wealth is a great plus. It is a good lesson, never go to a married womans house for sex, especially if the husband is out of town.lol