Flash Fiction
Viewing comments for Chapter 37 "The Unforgivable"Collection of Flash, Micro, etc.
48 total reviews
Comment from CammyCards
Excellent story with well developed suspense and a logical, realistic resolution. Thank you for choosing my art to illustrate your nice work.
CammyCards
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Excellent story with well developed suspense and a logical, realistic resolution. Thank you for choosing my art to illustrate your nice work.
CammyCards
Comment Written 01-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Cammy
I appreciate all your comments and thoughts. Thank you for your review. Smiles to you... Carol
Comment from SheaRyhai
I'm unsure if this is a stand alone chapter (forgive me new to the site) or part of a novel. You open with dialogue, quite a brave move, but I think what this chapter really lacks especially in the beginning is detail.
You open with quite a few characters but nothing is put down to help the reader see them visually. Where was the man when he got this mysterious phone call? Office, street corner, home in bed with the wife? (What does he even look like)
"Shannon's eyes flared as the vehicle slammed into her Escalade" This line I would have chosen "Widened" instead of "Flared". When I see the word, flared, I think of rage, anger, not fear which is certainly the emotion I would feel if a car was about to crash into mine.
I think the story holds a good amount of action, the suspense could be built up with more detail. Good write but needs work.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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I'm unsure if this is a stand alone chapter (forgive me new to the site) or part of a novel. You open with dialogue, quite a brave move, but I think what this chapter really lacks especially in the beginning is detail.
You open with quite a few characters but nothing is put down to help the reader see them visually. Where was the man when he got this mysterious phone call? Office, street corner, home in bed with the wife? (What does he even look like)
"Shannon's eyes flared as the vehicle slammed into her Escalade" This line I would have chosen "Widened" instead of "Flared". When I see the word, flared, I think of rage, anger, not fear which is certainly the emotion I would feel if a car was about to crash into mine.
I think the story holds a good amount of action, the suspense could be built up with more detail. Good write but needs work.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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SheaRyhai,
I appreciate you taking the time to read my story and commnet. Normally, I prefer to write stories with lots of description and details...unfortunately, this contest called for bare bones...flash fiction must be as skimpy as possible. Thank you for your time.
Carol
Comment from RobinWrites
Oh, to be betrayed by a partner in such a manner is terrible. Great writing, but now I'm wondering what the document contained that ended their lives. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Oh, to be betrayed by a partner in such a manner is terrible. Great writing, but now I'm wondering what the document contained that ended their lives. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Robin,
Thanks so much for the kind review. I greatly appreciate the comments and encouragement. Smiles, Carol
Comment from flygirl254
Congratulations on creating a story for the flash fiction contest. I love the flash prompts because they offer a challenge to really get meaning from words.
I had a problem with the story's plot progression. while I do understand where you were trying to go and think it was an awesome idea, the story was very disconnected and confusing. The conversations didn't seem to give us any real information to further the plot along. There was no foreshadowing about the leather allergy; it seemed to be something that was just popped in at the last minute to justify the ending. The only attachment I saw with the gloves was that the person driving the hit and run vehicle was wearing gloves, but because the story explains that Andy was following behind and that he called for help, it doesn't work for me that he would be the one driving because everyone would know he had a wrecked vehicle and he could have been hurt as well. I also found the abrupt shifts from location to location to be a bit confusing.
Okay, I feel so much like I'm picking on your story, but I don't mean to. I really do like the direction you were going. You've got some fantastic dialogue - something you always do very well. You balance it out nicely with a bit of exposition, but using the dialogue more. I like that Shannon got to give Andy a smack before they took him away. I also like your description, after Andy says, "Your parents are dead." The bile gurgling up in her throat is a great touch! Her physical reaction in the paragraph that begins with her knees buckling is very descriptive and really gives the reader a sense of the heavy emotions.
I wish you good luck in the contest. This really is a good story that just needs to have some work.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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Congratulations on creating a story for the flash fiction contest. I love the flash prompts because they offer a challenge to really get meaning from words.
I had a problem with the story's plot progression. while I do understand where you were trying to go and think it was an awesome idea, the story was very disconnected and confusing. The conversations didn't seem to give us any real information to further the plot along. There was no foreshadowing about the leather allergy; it seemed to be something that was just popped in at the last minute to justify the ending. The only attachment I saw with the gloves was that the person driving the hit and run vehicle was wearing gloves, but because the story explains that Andy was following behind and that he called for help, it doesn't work for me that he would be the one driving because everyone would know he had a wrecked vehicle and he could have been hurt as well. I also found the abrupt shifts from location to location to be a bit confusing.
Okay, I feel so much like I'm picking on your story, but I don't mean to. I really do like the direction you were going. You've got some fantastic dialogue - something you always do very well. You balance it out nicely with a bit of exposition, but using the dialogue more. I like that Shannon got to give Andy a smack before they took him away. I also like your description, after Andy says, "Your parents are dead." The bile gurgling up in her throat is a great touch! Her physical reaction in the paragraph that begins with her knees buckling is very descriptive and really gives the reader a sense of the heavy emotions.
I wish you good luck in the contest. This really is a good story that just needs to have some work.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2010
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flygirl
The gloves had nothing whatsoever to do with the driver...Andy was radioing the driver as to Shannon's approach to the intersection. He merely chose the gloves as a reason for him to be on the crime scene...they weren't Shannon's mothers..he just made it up...unfortunately he wasn't aware that she was allergic to leather...therefore he chose the wrong prop. Thank you for reading and for detailing your comments. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Nicole Maye
Great job. I can see why your story has reached "All Time Best." I truly enjoyed reading it. It was alive, energetic and had conflict. No errors to correct, grammatical or otherwise.
Thanks for the great read.
God bless.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Great job. I can see why your story has reached "All Time Best." I truly enjoyed reading it. It was alive, energetic and had conflict. No errors to correct, grammatical or otherwise.
Thanks for the great read.
God bless.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Nicole,
Thanks for reading my story and leaving a kind review...I really needed the little prayer.."stuff" happening right now and every bit of cheer helps...Thank you...Smiles, Carol
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You are most welcome.
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Carol,
Another fine story from your pen. This is a riveting story that had me on the edge of my seat from the first line to the last. My husband was a cop but I am always amazed at how many of them are crooked. Your characters, story line and conversations are all good. I wish you the best in the contest...blessings....chey
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Hi Carol,
Another fine story from your pen. This is a riveting story that had me on the edge of my seat from the first line to the last. My husband was a cop but I am always amazed at how many of them are crooked. Your characters, story line and conversations are all good. I wish you the best in the contest...blessings....chey
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Chey,
Thank you so much for the gracious review. Been away and can't be on the computer much, but it was a pleasure to find your kind words. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Judian James
Good one Carol. I never read mystery and crime fiction but I must admit, this was so good in such a short piece of writing. The ending was great! excellent
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Good one Carol. I never read mystery and crime fiction but I must admit, this was so good in such a short piece of writing. The ending was great! excellent
Comment Written 22-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Judian,
Glad you liked it...I never get these short short things just right, but they are fun. Thanks so much...smiles, Carol
Comment from CKLA
Carol
This is a wonderful story. I guess its the small details that give you away. I enjoyed your strong use of dialogue to tell the story.
Collette
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Carol
This is a wonderful story. I guess its the small details that give you away. I enjoyed your strong use of dialogue to tell the story.
Collette
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Collette,
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. Always appreciate your thoughts. Smiles, Carol
Comment from fictionwriter
This was a great little action piece. That Shannon is smart as a whip. Leaves me wondering about the phone call, and who exactly was on the other end. Great job.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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This was a great little action piece. That Shannon is smart as a whip. Leaves me wondering about the phone call, and who exactly was on the other end. Great job.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2010
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Joy,
Thanks so much for stopping by and reading...Always appreciate hearing from you, my friend. smiles, Carol
Comment from anabelle
OMG! This is quite a twist in the story. So, are her parents both dead? Or are they being protected? Is this why they were taken from the airport? Can you clarify?
Great story. It had me on the edge of my seat from beginning to end.
Best of luck in the contest.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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OMG! This is quite a twist in the story. So, are her parents both dead? Or are they being protected? Is this why they were taken from the airport? Can you clarify?
Great story. It had me on the edge of my seat from beginning to end.
Best of luck in the contest.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Andy took them from the airport and he killed them...a double agent. Once he got the message about the microchip, he arranged the accident, got the parents, and killed them....Rotten guy!
Smiles, Carol
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Rotten guy indeed. Thanks for the info. Must have missed that.
