Flash Fiction
Viewing comments for Chapter 37 "The Unforgivable"Collection of Flash, Micro, etc.
48 total reviews
Comment from --Turtle.
I think this short was full of action, felt a bit rushed from scene to scene to get the full complicated plot in all in a short time, but was enticing and logical jumps so the scenes pulled me as I tried to understand what was going on.
A few nits,
Nice to see you(,) Andy, but where's Shannon?"
Sweat beads dotted his forehead.
(Paused on if you needed to use both beaded and dotted, not wrong, I just paused, wondered if Sweat beaded, or Sweat dotted, would be enough instead of both together.)
Shannonneeds us.
(space missing?)
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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I think this short was full of action, felt a bit rushed from scene to scene to get the full complicated plot in all in a short time, but was enticing and logical jumps so the scenes pulled me as I tried to understand what was going on.
A few nits,
Nice to see you(,) Andy, but where's Shannon?"
Sweat beads dotted his forehead.
(Paused on if you needed to use both beaded and dotted, not wrong, I just paused, wondered if Sweat beaded, or Sweat dotted, would be enough instead of both together.)
Shannonneeds us.
(space missing?)
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Turtle,
Thanks ...the Evil Eddie keeps putting the words together every time I separate them..Weird! Thanks for the review and comments. Carol
Comment from MJMuraco
Your story has good suspense and descriptive writing. The dialogue is good too. The only thing I noticed that in several places, two words run together and need a space between them. You may want to go back and correct it.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Your story has good suspense and descriptive writing. The dialogue is good too. The only thing I noticed that in several places, two words run together and need a space between them. You may want to go back and correct it.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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MJ
Strange how Evil Eddie does those things...A moment ago I had changed something and nothing was run together and now quite a few places are...I fixed them...but who knows for how long. LOL Thanks so much...Carol
Comment from IndianaIrish
This is the kind of story that will appeal to fans of flash fiction and who like their action quick with a conflict and resolution without a lot of fancy descriptions and blah blah. BUT many people won't like it for the same reason...they crave info and adjectives. LOL I liked your story, Carol, and really enjoyed the ending twist. I just got confused with the hit and run...who radioed that Shannon was coming and who actually rammed her car since it said Andy was following close behind her. I thought it was Andy who was the hit and run driver.
It seems like evil Eddie has made lots of your words craving to be kissed...need spaces...
Black Escalade approaching Mainand Cutler."
MercyHospitalfor
Shannonneeds us
a bruised Shannonstepped off the lift
Shannonresisted.
I'm sorry, Babe.(babe)
Shannonstepped forward
Best of luck in the contest, Carol.
Indy :>)
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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This is the kind of story that will appeal to fans of flash fiction and who like their action quick with a conflict and resolution without a lot of fancy descriptions and blah blah. BUT many people won't like it for the same reason...they crave info and adjectives. LOL I liked your story, Carol, and really enjoyed the ending twist. I just got confused with the hit and run...who radioed that Shannon was coming and who actually rammed her car since it said Andy was following close behind her. I thought it was Andy who was the hit and run driver.
It seems like evil Eddie has made lots of your words craving to be kissed...need spaces...
Black Escalade approaching Mainand Cutler."
MercyHospitalfor
Shannonneeds us
a bruised Shannonstepped off the lift
Shannonresisted.
I'm sorry, Babe.(babe)
Shannonstepped forward
Best of luck in the contest, Carol.
Indy :>)
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Indy,
At least some kissing is going on somewhere. LOL Those weren't there before I corrected something and now they are all over the place. Crazy!! I fixed them (at least for the moment...thank you) I think I should stick to Frankie...too much turmoil with these flash fiction stories...I love the regular descriptive ones anyhow. Andy radioed the hit and run driver from his car...because he could see where she was at...Thanks for the review...Hope all is well with you...Carol
Comment from Teri7
Carol, As always this is a very well written story you have penned. You used very good descriptive wording and I love the Scotland Yard deal. Very good dialog. Good luck. Hugs, Teri
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Carol, As always this is a very well written story you have penned. You used very good descriptive wording and I love the Scotland Yard deal. Very good dialog. Good luck. Hugs, Teri
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Teri,
Wow...I just finished revising because a few thought it didn't make any sense...Thank you so much for understanding the story line and for the wonderful encouragement...Smiles, Carol
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
A good descriptive write, Carol,
clearly written - the story with
a twist in its tail.
An intriguing, enjoyable read.
Margaret.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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A good descriptive write, Carol,
clearly written - the story with
a twist in its tail.
An intriguing, enjoyable read.
Margaret.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Margaret,
Thank you so much for the encouraging words. Nice to see that you enjoyed one of my short stories. Flash is really a difficult write for me..I prefer the longer ones. Smiles, Carol
Comment from dmjones
Hi Carol, A good twist at the end. I did suspect Andy half way through but it still works. I read this a couple times last night and decided to wait and read again after I had some sleep. For me and this is just me, the break off of scenes was confusing. I also wondered who was working with Andy as someone called it into the armored vehicle when Shannon went by. I wanted to know why the mirco chip was so important to Andy but that's really not necessary.
In this section "The elevator stopped on the tenth floor" I was unsure who's POV it was. It seemed like Andy and first because Shannon didn't know he was walking from crime scene (or maybe I'm wrong) and then switched to Shannon's here: Bile gurgled in her throat. She fought to remain focused." The other sections were consistent.
There's a lot here and the plot is tight. Your characters are good. I think this would make a great longer story by expanding the suspense feel and adding details to the plot.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Hi Carol, A good twist at the end. I did suspect Andy half way through but it still works. I read this a couple times last night and decided to wait and read again after I had some sleep. For me and this is just me, the break off of scenes was confusing. I also wondered who was working with Andy as someone called it into the armored vehicle when Shannon went by. I wanted to know why the mirco chip was so important to Andy but that's really not necessary.
In this section "The elevator stopped on the tenth floor" I was unsure who's POV it was. It seemed like Andy and first because Shannon didn't know he was walking from crime scene (or maybe I'm wrong) and then switched to Shannon's here: Bile gurgled in her throat. She fought to remain focused." The other sections were consistent.
There's a lot here and the plot is tight. Your characters are good. I think this would make a great longer story by expanding the suspense feel and adding details to the plot.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Donna,
I agree..don't know why I keep trying to write these flash fiction things...My style just isn't short and sweet...Thanks for the honest opinions and of course I agree with them.
smiles, Carol
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But you write good flash fiction. I've read them. This one just didn't work for me where it may work for others. I can see this as a much longer suspenseful story. It could even be horror. Your an excellent writer so don't give up on the flash things. The more you write them, the better you'll get.
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Donna...I revised and removed the time line splits except for the first one...Do you mind giving it another look? Thanks Carol
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I know you can up date comments but not how it would notify you that I reread.
This is much better and it reads more like flash fiction to me. The ending's even more of twist this way. Evil Eddie, though, had a field day with poor Shannon.
Mainand Cutler."
MercyHospitalfor
Shannonneeds
Shannonstepped
Shannonresisted.
Shannonstepped forward.
Comment from Mastery
"Andy could hear muffled voices" Passive >>>(Andy heard is better, Carol. This is still a bit crowded but much better, CArol...Bob
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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"Andy could hear muffled voices" Passive >>>(Andy heard is better, Carol. This is still a bit crowded but much better, CArol...Bob
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Bob,
That's that darn flash fiction for you...They keep telling me to take more and more away..It's not me..I need to take the reader on a journey...not a flash in the pan. Oh well, thanks for reading.
As for me...well, let's just Murphy's Law and all it's family moved into my house of late...Thanks for asking,
Smiles, Carol
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Bob, I've done a litttle revision. I was wondering if you could take a fast look and see if it reads better. Thanks, Carol
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Yes, and would you mind reading my latest? LOL...Thanks, Carol...Bob
Comment from DearlB
This is a bare bones well written story that meets the contest guidelines. I found no spag problems other than one misspelled word.
securitized (scrutinized)
Best of luck,
Dearl
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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This is a bare bones well written story that meets the contest guidelines. I found no spag problems other than one misspelled word.
securitized (scrutinized)
Best of luck,
Dearl
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Dearl
My tired mind was trying to put security in both it seems..thanks for catching that for me..I appreciate it very much...Smiles, Carol
Comment from Trybuck
It all happened in a flickering flash
Just to recover the stolen stash
To redeem it for hard cold cash
That was after the crippling crash
Enjoyed your Flash Fiction entry. Hope it does well for you, Buck
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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It all happened in a flickering flash
Just to recover the stolen stash
To redeem it for hard cold cash
That was after the crippling crash
Enjoyed your Flash Fiction entry. Hope it does well for you, Buck
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Buck,
WEll, thanks for reading and for the bit of poetry besides...Have a great day, my friend. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Sharesy
WOW! What an amazing story. I was convinced Andy was a victim of subterfuge too, until the very last sentence. It was exciting, fast paced, with building suspense all the way through it to the final flabbergasting denouement!
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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WOW! What an amazing story. I was convinced Andy was a victim of subterfuge too, until the very last sentence. It was exciting, fast paced, with building suspense all the way through it to the final flabbergasting denouement!
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
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Sharesy,
You've started my morning off with so much sunshine..I know the day is going to be great. Thank y ou for your wonderful review and your generous heaping of stars. Awesome! Smiles, Carol
