Flash Fiction
Viewing comments for Chapter 37 "The Unforgivable"Collection of Flash, Micro, etc.
48 total reviews
Comment from tati
Thank you for sharing and crafting this intriguing Mystery and Crime Fiction, Carol. Great character development, great suspense, great imagery. What I like most, you used easy to understand words that flow so nicely.
Good luck in the contest. Warmest wishes,
tati, March 21, 2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
  |
Thank you for sharing and crafting this intriguing Mystery and Crime Fiction, Carol. Great character development, great suspense, great imagery. What I like most, you used easy to understand words that flow so nicely.
Good luck in the contest. Warmest wishes,
tati, March 21, 2010
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
-
Tati,
Sweet lady, I appreciate you stopping by to read my little story. Thank you for the most generous review. Hope all is well...Smiles, Carol
-
Thank you, Carol. So happy to have the opportunity to read your fabulous writings.
tati
Comment from jadapenn
Loved this story. Geez, never trust anyone, not even yourself. What a low down partner poor Shannon had. And her such a clever girl.
Well done Smiles. Best wishes for the contest. luv jada
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
|
Loved this story. Geez, never trust anyone, not even yourself. What a low down partner poor Shannon had. And her such a clever girl.
Well done Smiles. Best wishes for the contest. luv jada
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
-
Jada,
Hey, girlfriend...You can trust me! I'd give you everything I have to help you out...problem is...don't have much, most of it's bad and I wouldn't do that to my enemy..LOL Do you meet your bosses tomorrow? Or is that next week?
Thanks for stopping by to read my story. Appreciate it...Got chewed up in every direction with this one...From it's just dense to a six...One never knows!!! Smiles, Carol
-
Ah, tomorrow is a holiday, well actually today is so we get tomorrow off too. I've hardly had time to write as I've been approaching agents and publishers. 1st rejection is in, haha. Shame - she's missing a good story in Thorns. I meet the bosses either Wenesday or Friday.lol. Oh well, every hen must lay and egg so everyone will have a go at your story. You have a good day sweetie. luv jada
-
Jada,
WE will simple say "Your lost" to the rejections because it only takes one YES to make you a success...I know it will happen!
smiles, Carol
Comment from fionageorge
Well, Carol, that certainly caught my attention, and kept me reading. Great use of dialogue, moving the story along at a good pace. The ending a good finale, changing the partner to the villain, with the allergy.
I enjoyed this read, and I wish you luck in the contest, Carol. Warmest regards, Marijke
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
|
Well, Carol, that certainly caught my attention, and kept me reading. Great use of dialogue, moving the story along at a good pace. The ending a good finale, changing the partner to the villain, with the allergy.
I enjoyed this read, and I wish you luck in the contest, Carol. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment Written 21-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
-
Marijke,
Thank you so much for the kind and generous review. The ratings have been all over the board with this one. Never know what people will think I guess. Appreciate the kindness...Smiles, Carol
Comment from Sasha
Very exciting story. I enjoyed the way you pieced it all together. I certainly couldn't see a single word that was not necessary. Great entry for the contest and as I always say, I sincerely wish you all the best.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
|
Very exciting story. I enjoyed the way you pieced it all together. I certainly couldn't see a single word that was not necessary. Great entry for the contest and as I always say, I sincerely wish you all the best.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
-
Sasha,
Thanks for lifting my spirits..The ratings have been all over the board so I didn't know what was going on...Certainly glad you enjoyed it..Smiles, Carol
Comment from melyuki
well sis, what a mystery. short sweet and had me going. Had no clue where I was heading, but the momentum was firing and the story compelled me to find out where the hell we were headed.. great little mystery line sis. and in such few words.. captivating, exciting and full of action.. go gal..... hugs to you my mystery maker.. luv Melxxxx
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
|
well sis, what a mystery. short sweet and had me going. Had no clue where I was heading, but the momentum was firing and the story compelled me to find out where the hell we were headed.. great little mystery line sis. and in such few words.. captivating, exciting and full of action.. go gal..... hugs to you my mystery maker.. luv Melxxxx
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2010
-
Sis,
Thanks for the cheering section...Wasn't too sure about this one since someone told me I was dense...another said they couldn't follow it...Thanks for lifting my spirits even if you would tell me it was good even if it was bad. LOL Love Ya, Sis
-
did they not realise it is a mystery. that's where mysteries get their name from. not quite knowing what to expect , and when.. perhaps they were the dense ones, lost and confused.. have a laugh with me and we will both jump on from here. hugs Melxxxx
Comment from suneagle
734 words. One little detail foiled the bounder. A good storyline for a flash fiction.
I can see what is bothering some reviewers. The scenes are distinct, but could have smoother transitions. Flash fiction is meant to move swiftly from start to final twist, and too many scene changes can disorient a reader. I don't see it as a major problem here, but something you could keep in mind for the future.
There are other more technical aspects of concern to me. I've noted some specific suggestions below:
"Yes, we're partners." Andy paused and then continued, "Can I relay the message?"
(Having him pause and then continue seems to achieve nothing. For flash fiction it would be better to write:
"Yes, we're partners. Can I relay the message?")
Andy said he understood and hung up the phone.
(The words "the phone" are superfluous. The reader will assume them:
Andy said he understood and hung up.)
Shannon's eyes flared as the vehicle slammed into her Escalade, rolling it over repeatedly.
(Avoid adverbs in flash fiction--both "over" and "repeatedly". The word "repeatedly" is vague telling. If the fact it rolled more than once is important be precise: ... rolling it four times. Otherwise simply write:
Shannon's eyes flared as the vehicle slammed into her Escalade, rolling it.)
His voice faltered, "They transported her to Mercy Hospital for observation."
("His voice faltered" in not really a dialogue tag in that context. But it may be better to show the 'faltering' rather than tell it. For example:
They ... they transported her to Mercy Hospital for observation.")
A sea of blue uniformed officers peppered the hallway.
(Interesting turns of phrases, and mixed metaphors. Do they have blue pepper in America? And wouldn't sea produce salt rather than pepper. Sorry, Carol, but that illustrates why we usually avoid metaphor in flash fiction. You could simply write:
Blue uniformed officers filled the hallway.
[Remember it's supposed to be flash fiction and not a short story where lots of description and metaphor is expected. Okay?])
Exiting the gruesome crime scene, Andy walked briskly toward her.
(Delete "briskly"--superfluous adverb. [The reader will assume in the context that he isn't going to dawdle.])
Fear and anger flared in her eyes.
(That's the second time you've used "flared" in regard to her eyes. Be wary of repetitious habit.)
a pair of [women's] black leather gloves in his hand.
The caller said they were from Scotland Yard and told me about your mother's ring having a [microchip] in it."
*** I trust that has been helpful, Carol. PM if you have any questions or comments about the review.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
 |
734 words. One little detail foiled the bounder. A good storyline for a flash fiction.
I can see what is bothering some reviewers. The scenes are distinct, but could have smoother transitions. Flash fiction is meant to move swiftly from start to final twist, and too many scene changes can disorient a reader. I don't see it as a major problem here, but something you could keep in mind for the future.
There are other more technical aspects of concern to me. I've noted some specific suggestions below:
"Yes, we're partners." Andy paused and then continued, "Can I relay the message?"
(Having him pause and then continue seems to achieve nothing. For flash fiction it would be better to write:
"Yes, we're partners. Can I relay the message?")
Andy said he understood and hung up the phone.
(The words "the phone" are superfluous. The reader will assume them:
Andy said he understood and hung up.)
Shannon's eyes flared as the vehicle slammed into her Escalade, rolling it over repeatedly.
(Avoid adverbs in flash fiction--both "over" and "repeatedly". The word "repeatedly" is vague telling. If the fact it rolled more than once is important be precise: ... rolling it four times. Otherwise simply write:
Shannon's eyes flared as the vehicle slammed into her Escalade, rolling it.)
His voice faltered, "They transported her to Mercy Hospital for observation."
("His voice faltered" in not really a dialogue tag in that context. But it may be better to show the 'faltering' rather than tell it. For example:
They ... they transported her to Mercy Hospital for observation.")
A sea of blue uniformed officers peppered the hallway.
(Interesting turns of phrases, and mixed metaphors. Do they have blue pepper in America? And wouldn't sea produce salt rather than pepper. Sorry, Carol, but that illustrates why we usually avoid metaphor in flash fiction. You could simply write:
Blue uniformed officers filled the hallway.
[Remember it's supposed to be flash fiction and not a short story where lots of description and metaphor is expected. Okay?])
Exiting the gruesome crime scene, Andy walked briskly toward her.
(Delete "briskly"--superfluous adverb. [The reader will assume in the context that he isn't going to dawdle.])
Fear and anger flared in her eyes.
(That's the second time you've used "flared" in regard to her eyes. Be wary of repetitious habit.)
a pair of [women's] black leather gloves in his hand.
The caller said they were from Scotland Yard and told me about your mother's ring having a [microchip] in it."
*** I trust that has been helpful, Carol. PM if you have any questions or comments about the review.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
-
Les,
Thank you a thousand times over...That was the type of critiquing I needed. Thank you for explaining why certain things needed to be changed..I really am trying to get the hang of this flash fiction...but my story writing is difficult to set aside. I've made the changes and I truly appreciate the review.
Smiles and thank yous....Carol
Comment from c_lucas
A mere oversight will get you everything. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. Good luck in your ocntest.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
|
A mere oversight will get you everything. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. Good luck in your ocntest.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
-
Charlie,
Thanks for the review. I always appreciate your comments. Smiles, Carol
-
You are welcome, Carol. Charlie
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Carol ...
You always manage to come up with such unexpected endings to your well thought-out stories and this one is no exception.
There are just a few small changes to recommend ...
* You have - For safety reasons, until we're sure ...
As it is, this is not a complete sentence and I suggest -
This is for safety reasons ....
* You have - A dozen pair of eyes turned .... this should be - A dozen pairs of eyes turned ...
Thank you for sharing this with us and, as it is a Contest entry, I wish you well.
With love from .... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
|
Hullo Carol ...
You always manage to come up with such unexpected endings to your well thought-out stories and this one is no exception.
There are just a few small changes to recommend ...
* You have - For safety reasons, until we're sure ...
As it is, this is not a complete sentence and I suggest -
This is for safety reasons ....
* You have - A dozen pair of eyes turned .... this should be - A dozen pairs of eyes turned ...
Thank you for sharing this with us and, as it is a Contest entry, I wish you well.
With love from .... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
-
anette,
Thanks for your assistance and for taking the time to read and comment. Hope you are doing fine...Take care - Smiles, Carol
Comment from Thesis
Go Shannon! Carol, I liked how you set this story up wit a call from Scotland Yard. It gave it another level of realism.
It was just too coincidental Andy pciked up her parents, she was in an accident and he checked the parents into the hotel. Nice read. Shannon was pretty observant for being so traumatized. - John
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
|
Go Shannon! Carol, I liked how you set this story up wit a call from Scotland Yard. It gave it another level of realism.
It was just too coincidental Andy pciked up her parents, she was in an accident and he checked the parents into the hotel. Nice read. Shannon was pretty observant for being so traumatized. - John
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
-
JOhn,
I assumed people would realize that he arranged the accident so that he could pick up the parents - and kill them - in order to get the micro chip...a double agent so to speak. Guess it wasn't too clear, huh? Oh well, I tried...Smiles, Carol
Comment from dragonqueen1983
that is a really nice house that you used. you have a well written piece here which i feel should do well in the contest. keep on writing
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
|
that is a really nice house that you used. you have a well written piece here which i feel should do well in the contest. keep on writing
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
-
dragonqueen
Thank you very much for the kind review. I appreciate the comments. Smiles, Carol
