Flash Fiction
Viewing comments for Chapter 37 "The Unforgivable"Collection of Flash, Micro, etc.
48 total reviews
Comment from ladybird
Very good, Carol. A proper story, start , middle, and end in so few words. This held my interest from start to finish, wondering where it was going the the very good ending. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Very good, Carol. A proper story, start , middle, and end in so few words. This held my interest from start to finish, wondering where it was going the the very good ending. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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ladybird,
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I always value your opinion. Smiles, Carol
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You're welcome.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Carol
Here I was convinced all was going well and Shannon was going to meet her Mom and dad then what a great twist you had in your short story
Excellent.
Gert
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Hello Carol
Here I was convinced all was going well and Shannon was going to meet her Mom and dad then what a great twist you had in your short story
Excellent.
Gert
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Gert.
Thanks for reading and enjoying the story. Smiles, Carol
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Your welcome Carol
Gert
Comment from Writeaway...
This is another exciting read Begin Again, you always inspire me, speaking of writing, I am going to be on the radio during the Easter hols, talking about my writing, great job once again, keep writing!!
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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This is another exciting read Begin Again, you always inspire me, speaking of writing, I am going to be on the radio during the Easter hols, talking about my writing, great job once again, keep writing!!
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Jake...
Way to go...a celebrity in our midsts...Good for you, my friend. Enjoy it to the hilt. Thanks for the generous comments. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
Well done. This is good mystery. One piece of dialogue that didn't read so well: "Where's my parents?" Should be "where are my parents".
In general, this was well written.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Well done. This is good mystery. One piece of dialogue that didn't read so well: "Where's my parents?" Should be "where are my parents".
In general, this was well written.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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ramessesxii,
Thank you for catching that error for me..I'll fix it asap. Appreciate your kind comments. Smiles, CArol
Comment from DCrules
Nice story with a surprise twist in the end. Kept the readers guessing till the end. Short and sweet. Goodluck and keep writing :)
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Nice story with a surprise twist in the end. Kept the readers guessing till the end. Short and sweet. Goodluck and keep writing :)
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Dcrules,
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it very much...Smiles, Carol
Comment from Aislinge
Great short! I have to admit, I suspected Andy about halfway through. Wonderful twist at the end, and the bit about the gloves. Action was relayed well with the snippets of the scenes and the dialog.
Thank you for a great read!
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Great short! I have to admit, I suspected Andy about halfway through. Wonderful twist at the end, and the bit about the gloves. Action was relayed well with the snippets of the scenes and the dialog.
Thank you for a great read!
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Aislinge,
Thank you so much for the generous comments and encouragement. Always appreciate it. Smiles, CArol
Comment from AlvinTEthington
An interesting story. However, the way it is broken up into a series of scenes leads at least me to think this would work as a script as well. There's a nice twist at the end. Although this is a very minor copy editing concern, there are several run-on words (e.g. Shannonneeds, Shannonstepped, and Shannonresisted.) Good juxtaposition of picture and poem.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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An interesting story. However, the way it is broken up into a series of scenes leads at least me to think this would work as a script as well. There's a nice twist at the end. Although this is a very minor copy editing concern, there are several run-on words (e.g. Shannonneeds, Shannonstepped, and Shannonresisted.) Good juxtaposition of picture and poem.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Alvin,
Sorry you thought the story was dense...Thank you for stopping by. Smiles, Carol
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You're welcome.
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Alvin, I have revised and changed the timelines...using few word count as well...If you have the chance, I would love to know if this reads any better...Thanks, Carol
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Yes, it reads much better. I have revised the review and raised the rating.
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Thank You...appreciate the help! Carol
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You're welcome.
Comment from misscookie
This is nice one. I love the movement of the story
it kept my attentin from the being to the last line on the page.
this story kept me in suspense and it did have me wondeingabout certain parts of the story. then it all came to libht when the glove was mention.
this is a good write.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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This is nice one. I love the movement of the story
it kept my attentin from the being to the last line on the page.
this story kept me in suspense and it did have me wondeingabout certain parts of the story. then it all came to libht when the glove was mention.
this is a good write.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Cookie,
Thanks so much for stopping by...Hope you are enjoying this first day of spring..We have snow!!! Smiles to you, CArol
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It beauitful, hope the snow doesn't last long, Oh yes had a good time at brithay party
Comment from Patricia.Green
A "quick and dirty" (in a good way) kind of story. It falls into the crime/gritty category. I think you've got a good beginning, middle and end, and good pacing.
The reason I'm giving it 4 stars is that it needs editing and proofreading. Some of your references to "he" or "she" are so non-specific that it causes the reader to have to piece together who you mean. This is especially true in the beginning of the story. There are also punctuation errors.
Overall, I think this good flash-fiction, but it needs a little polishing. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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A "quick and dirty" (in a good way) kind of story. It falls into the crime/gritty category. I think you've got a good beginning, middle and end, and good pacing.
The reason I'm giving it 4 stars is that it needs editing and proofreading. Some of your references to "he" or "she" are so non-specific that it causes the reader to have to piece together who you mean. This is especially true in the beginning of the story. There are also punctuation errors.
Overall, I think this good flash-fiction, but it needs a little polishing. Keep writing.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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trixie,
I appreciate your review and comments but could you please be more specific...No one else has mentioned any problems and I have proofed it again..I'd appreciate if you'd indicate where you saw the problems so I can correct them..Thank you...Carol
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Sure. I'm sorry I wasn't more specific in the first place. However, I didn't want to limit you only to the examples I might give, as the entire work should be thoroughly edited and proofed to be improved. However, here's the very first thing I saw: ""No, we're partners." Andy hesitated, "Can I relay the message?"" "Can I relay the message?" is not hesitant. It's direct and forceful. And yet, you have ended your prefacing comment, "Andy hesitated," with a comma, indicating that it and what follows is all one thought. If you use a period after "hesitated," you have clearly shown two thoughts, which is more appropriate.
Second: "The caller's voice was muffled. He assumed..." He, who? Now, when I read it a second time, I could see that you meant Andy, but I had to read it a second time to pick that up. I'm sure I'm not the only reader who had to do that. You could be more clear in your references.
What I've found, Carol, is that people are quick to write their 5-star reviews on this site, commenting on the story, without actually looking at the grammar and substance of the writing. It's irksome when you want to really improve your writing and can't get honest feedback.
This isn't a bad story; it just needs a little more work. I hope this helps.
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I appreciate you taking the time...Unfortunately what happens on this site is people contradict the rules...One continually marks me down for using the name of a person instead of he and when I use he ...you say you don't know who I am referring to...Do you see my confusion?
Thanks alot...smiles, Carol
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Oh yes, I understand completely. I suppose the thing to do is to "consider the source." I'm not going to sit here and tell you I'm a total expert in the field of flash-fiction. I'm not; my expertise is as a novelist (I have several books on the market right now). But, I will say that you should take a moment and look at the pedigree of the people who are critiquing you, *especially* if you're getting conflicting opinions. You will want to side with the person(s) who you feel most exemplify the style of writing you're trying to achieve. Pattern yourself after those professionals whom you admire and you'll virtually never go wrong. If I can help, just let me know. --Patricia
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trixieg, I have revised and edited. If you have a chance, I would love to know if you think it reads better or not. Smiles, Carol
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Hi, Carol.
A typo here: "Shannonneeds us."
A little problem there: "the tenth floor of the hotel buzzed" -- the whole tenth floor? Wow. :)
You have made some wonderful improvements; it's a lot better. Good work!
Comment from kingskid
HI THERE,
very enjoyable read. I was interested from the first word to the last. The ending was not totaaly unexpected but you did a very good job with it. You have a natural flair for this type of writing.
Well done on the choice of characters. All well cast.
Love Norms
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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HI THERE,
very enjoyable read. I was interested from the first word to the last. The ending was not totaaly unexpected but you did a very good job with it. You have a natural flair for this type of writing.
Well done on the choice of characters. All well cast.
Love Norms
Comment Written 20-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2010
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Norms,
When you are limited with words, it's hard to keep the plot hidden. Glad you enjoyed it though. smiles, Carol
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I know what you mean. Still it was anexcellent story:) Norms
