Contest Entry and Winners
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Taken"Short Stories
48 total reviews
Comment from M. Karol
I must say you drew my emotions out. I was teary yet smiled through them in the end.
Great story, kept me glued till the end.....thankful for the ending...all is well...eh!
Madhvi
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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I must say you drew my emotions out. I was teary yet smiled through them in the end.
Great story, kept me glued till the end.....thankful for the ending...all is well...eh!
Madhvi
Comment Written 04-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Madhvi,
Thank you for taking the time to read and enjoy my story. I greatly appreciate your comments. Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from RebelRose
I'm not sure exactly what it is about this story but it seems choppy or something is missing. It seems broken up and not believable.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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I'm not sure exactly what it is about this story but it seems choppy or something is missing. It seems broken up and not believable.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Patty,
Sorry the story didn't flow for you...But thank you for taking the time to read and comment, smiles to you. Carol
Comment from Charlene0513
A writing prompt which leaves the person wondering if there was even a death that occured.
For funeral there may have been; but you lost me when they were united again.
The context seems to over-ride itself, witrh her return.
Error:
[As a] matter-of-fact[,] voice grated against my raw nerves.
Charlene
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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A writing prompt which leaves the person wondering if there was even a death that occured.
For funeral there may have been; but you lost me when they were united again.
The context seems to over-ride itself, witrh her return.
Error:
[As a] matter-of-fact[,] voice grated against my raw nerves.
Charlene
Comment Written 03-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Charlene
Thank you for taking the time to read and enjoy my story. I greatly appreciate your comments. Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from Rama Rao
An excellent story which had me riveted.
You've shown your anguish very vividly.
However, I found a disconnect in the story. You started the story with "the horrifying memories flooded my thoughts once again." You ended the story with "Our new life was just beginning."
I didn't know whether Jana was still alive under police protection or was brutally murdered. If she was murdered, you couldn't possibly be starting your life with her. If she was not dead you couldn't have had those memories flooding you. If you leave doubt in the mind of the reader, you need to revise it to make it clear one way or other.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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An excellent story which had me riveted.
You've shown your anguish very vividly.
However, I found a disconnect in the story. You started the story with "the horrifying memories flooded my thoughts once again." You ended the story with "Our new life was just beginning."
I didn't know whether Jana was still alive under police protection or was brutally murdered. If she was murdered, you couldn't possibly be starting your life with her. If she was not dead you couldn't have had those memories flooding you. If you leave doubt in the mind of the reader, you need to revise it to make it clear one way or other.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Ramarao
Thank you for taking the time to read. I greatly appreciate your comments. Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from missy98writer
Writer,
I really enjoyed reading your riveting story. Great characterization. Wonderful descriptive writing. Natural dialogue. Great narrative. Jenna was doing the right thing by describing the crime she witnessed. Jason wanted to kill himself thinking she was murdered. I liked the twist when the detective stops Jason from killing himself at Jenna's supposed grave site. Come to find out she survived her attack and won't go into Witness Protection without Jason. You've written a marvelous story for Use these words in a story writing prompt. Cool art work.
Missy.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Writer,
I really enjoyed reading your riveting story. Great characterization. Wonderful descriptive writing. Natural dialogue. Great narrative. Jenna was doing the right thing by describing the crime she witnessed. Jason wanted to kill himself thinking she was murdered. I liked the twist when the detective stops Jason from killing himself at Jenna's supposed grave site. Come to find out she survived her attack and won't go into Witness Protection without Jason. You've written a marvelous story for Use these words in a story writing prompt. Cool art work.
Missy.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Melissa,
Thank you so much for your great review and all the continued support. Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from patwannabe
Wow, author, this is tremendous. I love it. I'm a sucker for a happy ending, but they don't always turn out that way, do they? We're so fortunate to have a witness protection program.
I found no SPaG, your sentences were good and your dialog was real and believable. Thank you so much, pat
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Wow, author, this is tremendous. I love it. I'm a sucker for a happy ending, but they don't always turn out that way, do they? We're so fortunate to have a witness protection program.
I found no SPaG, your sentences were good and your dialog was real and believable. Thank you so much, pat
Comment Written 03-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Pat,
Thank you for taking the time to read and enjoy my story. I greatly appreciate your comments. Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from DearlB
This story kept my interest until the end.
The drama of the visit to the cemetery was realistic.
I found only one nit:
You don't want(to) do that, Jason.
Best of luck,
Dearl
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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This story kept my interest until the end.
The drama of the visit to the cemetery was realistic.
I found only one nit:
You don't want(to) do that, Jason.
Best of luck,
Dearl
Comment Written 03-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Dearl,
Thank you so much for your great review and all the continued support. Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from adewpearl
What a surprise ending - you have me crying - it's not that often someone really does get a second chance like this - your story is gripping and romantic - you held my interest from beginning to end - good luck in this contest :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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What a surprise ending - you have me crying - it's not that often someone really does get a second chance like this - your story is gripping and romantic - you held my interest from beginning to end - good luck in this contest :-) Brooke
Comment Written 03-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Brooke,
Thank you uso much for understanding the underlying emotions in this story. I truly appreciate it. Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from FredCollingwood
You had me going there, but I kind of suspected something. Witness protection! Minor comments:
"We did our best but -" The em dash should be formatted two dashes--no spaces.
Preventing my legs from folding beneath me, he smiled(,) his strong arms guided me toward the car > recommend semicolon, here.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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You had me going there, but I kind of suspected something. Witness protection! Minor comments:
"We did our best but -" The em dash should be formatted two dashes--no spaces.
Preventing my legs from folding beneath me, he smiled(,) his strong arms guided me toward the car > recommend semicolon, here.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Fred,
Thank you so much for your great review and all the continued support. Smiles to you, Carol
Comment from Donna Thompson
Great job of using all the words for the captivating story. Well done with description and putting your readers into the story to follow along. Great job and good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Great job of using all the words for the captivating story. Well done with description and putting your readers into the story to follow along. Great job and good luck in the contest
Comment Written 03-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Donna,
Thank you so much for your great review and all the continued support. Smiles to you, Carol
