Cheryl's Disappearance
A disturbing tale16 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, John. this story is very well written. I believe your writing skills have bettered immensely since I first strated reading your work. I still have a few msuggestions if you don't mind:
"get her to have sex with him, which she refused." (add on "of course"
I think the confession came too quickly...In a story like this, and as good as it could be, you need room to expand the interrogation and resulting crime work before the confession, I think
A person has to be read their Miranda rights the minute an arrest is made, John. Very good story. good luck in the contest...Bob
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Hi, John. this story is very well written. I believe your writing skills have bettered immensely since I first strated reading your work. I still have a few msuggestions if you don't mind:
"get her to have sex with him, which she refused." (add on "of course"
I think the confession came too quickly...In a story like this, and as good as it could be, you need room to expand the interrogation and resulting crime work before the confession, I think
A person has to be read their Miranda rights the minute an arrest is made, John. Very good story. good luck in the contest...Bob
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
Comment from closetpoetjester
This went from to compelling to gripping to edge of the seat stuff then abhorrent disgust and then ROFL! I love how you encompassed every emotion this story or most of them anyway.
Wonderfully written and again so easy to read. You don't seem to complicate with overdone narratives and I like the style, I really do.
Have you published? I think they'd publish this. They'd have to! Gripping stuff and I just cacked at the ending!! Brilliant...wish I had a bloody six left.
Cheers closetpoetjester xo
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This went from to compelling to gripping to edge of the seat stuff then abhorrent disgust and then ROFL! I love how you encompassed every emotion this story or most of them anyway.
Wonderfully written and again so easy to read. You don't seem to complicate with overdone narratives and I like the style, I really do.
Have you published? I think they'd publish this. They'd have to! Gripping stuff and I just cacked at the ending!! Brilliant...wish I had a bloody six left.
Cheers closetpoetjester xo
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
Comment from irishauthorme
This is the most graphic thing that you've done so far, and it resembles an old case that i read about. Very good crime scene detail, and just enough of an attitude on Martin's part to make you really hate him.
Good story!
irish
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This is the most graphic thing that you've done so far, and it resembles an old case that i read about. Very good crime scene detail, and just enough of an attitude on Martin's part to make you really hate him.
Good story!
irish
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
Comment from Begin Again
John.
Oh John...please go back to the delicious sex scenes and keep the body parts intact. This was gruesome and sick..which is exactly what you meant it to be of course. Well written..
Crol
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John.
Oh John...please go back to the delicious sex scenes and keep the body parts intact. This was gruesome and sick..which is exactly what you meant it to be of course. Well written..
Crol
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
Comment from bookishfabler
You know this was so delightfully gross I never looked for a nit. The beginning was mostly telling rather than showing, but I guess with sucha short crime story, you need a bit of background. Well done.
hugs
book
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You know this was so delightfully gross I never looked for a nit. The beginning was mostly telling rather than showing, but I guess with sucha short crime story, you need a bit of background. Well done.
hugs
book
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
Comment from Sandollar
I liked the story but I don't see what the twist was. Unless his little trophy freezers were it. Okay, but I'm jaded because that gruesome stuff seemed regular. The story did have great suspense, and kept me thoroughly engaged start to finish. Mr. Sinclair was definitely one sick puppy. Good luck in the contest and thanks so much for entering.
I found no errors.
Sandollar
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I liked the story but I don't see what the twist was. Unless his little trophy freezers were it. Okay, but I'm jaded because that gruesome stuff seemed regular. The story did have great suspense, and kept me thoroughly engaged start to finish. Mr. Sinclair was definitely one sick puppy. Good luck in the contest and thanks so much for entering.
I found no errors.
Sandollar
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
Comment from Vladilynn
Yiiiikkeesss John!!! You made me awake with your story! My goodness!!!Now I lost all the things, I wanted to say. You tricked me with your picture, I've thought is just a simple crime investigation or drug arrest. That man is sicko!!
Good luck for the contest!
Love much
Lynn:X
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Yiiiikkeesss John!!! You made me awake with your story! My goodness!!!Now I lost all the things, I wanted to say. You tricked me with your picture, I've thought is just a simple crime investigation or drug arrest. That man is sicko!!
Good luck for the contest!
Love much
Lynn:X
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Oh dear, I was surprised at the artwark on this post. It's wasn't of a beautiful women. I struggle with reading violent posts, but I made it through. Your writing was very good.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Oh dear, I was surprised at the artwark on this post. It's wasn't of a beautiful women. I struggle with reading violent posts, but I made it through. Your writing was very good.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Hi, Barbara. Mutilated beautiful women are not a pretty sight, so I chose to use the FBI photo on this one. - Thanks for reading. - John
Comment from missy98writer
John,
Your story was totally believable. Jeffrey Dahmer did worse because he ate his victims parts. Chilling tale of a serial killer. The guy messed up. The moment he told the detectives some cock and bull story about his wife I knew he'd killed both Cheryl and his old lady. Excellent characterization, descriptive writing and dark imagery. I could imagine what horrors were in the freezers. Another enjoyable story. A wonderful entry for the writing prompt. I always look forward to your short stories because they are filled with drama, sex and suspense.
Melissa,
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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John,
Your story was totally believable. Jeffrey Dahmer did worse because he ate his victims parts. Chilling tale of a serial killer. The guy messed up. The moment he told the detectives some cock and bull story about his wife I knew he'd killed both Cheryl and his old lady. Excellent characterization, descriptive writing and dark imagery. I could imagine what horrors were in the freezers. Another enjoyable story. A wonderful entry for the writing prompt. I always look forward to your short stories because they are filled with drama, sex and suspense.
Melissa,
Comment Written 27-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Hi, Melissa. Thanks for your wonderful review. I always look forward to your comments. They are really fun. I try to provide some levity with the sex and suspense. I appreciate your reading my stories. - Thanks - John
Comment from Alan Degenerate
Well written, I just couldn't buy into this one.
I know it was a short story, but everything just seemed to fall into place a little too quick and easy, from the FBI being called in immediately due to budget cuts to the killer handing over his keys to a blood soaked house.
The conversation at the doorstep seemed too much like a made for TV drama.
I would think the killer would probably not have answered his door with the state his living room was in at the time and may have given them any number or bullshit answers just to not seem as obvious as he was being.
And I don't believe they have the right to put anyone in handcuffs just to take them in for questioning.
Just seemed forced.
I believe the end would have worked better(at least for me) if instead of the killer telling the agent what was in the chained freezer, the scene was unraveled with one of the agents breaking the chains and describing the horror that hidden inside and his reactions.
I liked the flow of the dialog, I just didn't buy into what they were saying.
Of course, I've never been much of a cop/drama fan either so I may be being biased.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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Well written, I just couldn't buy into this one.
I know it was a short story, but everything just seemed to fall into place a little too quick and easy, from the FBI being called in immediately due to budget cuts to the killer handing over his keys to a blood soaked house.
The conversation at the doorstep seemed too much like a made for TV drama.
I would think the killer would probably not have answered his door with the state his living room was in at the time and may have given them any number or bullshit answers just to not seem as obvious as he was being.
And I don't believe they have the right to put anyone in handcuffs just to take them in for questioning.
Just seemed forced.
I believe the end would have worked better(at least for me) if instead of the killer telling the agent what was in the chained freezer, the scene was unraveled with one of the agents breaking the chains and describing the horror that hidden inside and his reactions.
I liked the flow of the dialog, I just didn't buy into what they were saying.
Of course, I've never been much of a cop/drama fan either so I may be being biased.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2010
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On the other hand, the killer may have thought she was just going to lock the front door. The killer never answered the door, they saw him outside. On the contrary, it's standard practice to put someone in handcuffs, until they know what they are dealing with. I used to do it all the time.
You have to understand that the killers are proud of their work. In many instances, they are more than happy to tell you what they've done. In the case of reactions, Agent Johnson did have them with the first two freezers. Asking the killer to tell them what was in the third, gave him control to see their reactions first hand. Sorry, you didn't buy into what they were saying, but this story is based on a real case. - Thesis