Bottom of the Loch
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Bonnie makes a friend"Parents die, so she moves in with unknown family
10 total reviews
Comment from Tellis
Aha, maybe it's a brain coral. I wonder where it got the body of a human. I enjoyed reading this excellent chapter.
Tellis
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2010
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Aha, maybe it's a brain coral. I wonder where it got the body of a human. I enjoyed reading this excellent chapter.
Tellis
Comment Written 04-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2010
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keep reading, thank you
Comment from rmdelta
Grace,
very strong writing with great imagery. I particularly enjoyed the dialogue which was well done. Nice work, Grace
Reggie
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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Grace,
very strong writing with great imagery. I particularly enjoyed the dialogue which was well done. Nice work, Grace
Reggie
Comment Written 01-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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thank you so so much, nano book, Motel is in the voting booth now yeah
Comment from misscookie
I sense they are going to get so close then the big bang.
I love the movement f the story and the way you surprisely turn this ting into a handsome yong man
this is a good write.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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I sense they are going to get so close then the big bang.
I love the movement f the story and the way you surprisely turn this ting into a handsome yong man
this is a good write.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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thank you so so much
Comment from Readywriter52
The thing in the loch is changed into a boy. Bonnie finds him interesting and they have fun together. I wonder what this thing plans to do next?
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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The thing in the loch is changed into a boy. Bonnie finds him interesting and they have fun together. I wonder what this thing plans to do next?
Comment Written 01-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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so different huh
Comment from krprice
This was. . .The whole. . .do not capitilize G in grey skin. . .
Octopus usually live in salt water. I don't think Loch Lomond is salt water.
The loch with the monster is Loch Ness.
It was. . .W in whisk should not be in caps.
This chapter is better; has more action.
Karlene
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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This was. . .The whole. . .do not capitilize G in grey skin. . .
Octopus usually live in salt water. I don't think Loch Lomond is salt water.
The loch with the monster is Loch Ness.
It was. . .W in whisk should not be in caps.
This chapter is better; has more action.
Karlene
Comment Written 31-May-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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thank you so much for your help
Comment from dportwood
weirdgrace,
Your stories are fun, clean, and entertaining. I like that.
Below, I have made some suggestions for editing:
Now the mother was ready for the experiment, the greatest experiment she had ever tried. The excitement going through this horror caused it to slight move, large waves were caused, and the waves like the tides of the ocean coming up on the beach and touching Bonnie feet where she lay sunbathing.
She sat up surprised as this Loch, which was usually calm and still, no wind was blowing and as Bonnie watched the lake once more settled down to its mirror-like existence.
(Now the mother was ready for the experiment, the greatest experiment she had ever tried. Excitement going through this horror caused it to move and create waves like ocean tides that came up on the beach and touched Bonnie's feet where she lay sunbathing. She sat up surprised and watched as the Loch, usually calm and still, settled back into its mirror-like appearance.)
...and bonnie looked shyly at him.
...and Bonnie looked shyly at him.)
"You are bonnie, huh?"
("You are Bonnie, huh?")
He could twist and turn as if she never remembered seeing anyone do before.
(He could twist and turn like no one in her memory had ever done.)
...he asked and now was string right at her...
(...he asked and now was staring right at her...)
Duane
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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weirdgrace,
Your stories are fun, clean, and entertaining. I like that.
Below, I have made some suggestions for editing:
Now the mother was ready for the experiment, the greatest experiment she had ever tried. The excitement going through this horror caused it to slight move, large waves were caused, and the waves like the tides of the ocean coming up on the beach and touching Bonnie feet where she lay sunbathing.
She sat up surprised as this Loch, which was usually calm and still, no wind was blowing and as Bonnie watched the lake once more settled down to its mirror-like existence.
(Now the mother was ready for the experiment, the greatest experiment she had ever tried. Excitement going through this horror caused it to move and create waves like ocean tides that came up on the beach and touched Bonnie's feet where she lay sunbathing. She sat up surprised and watched as the Loch, usually calm and still, settled back into its mirror-like appearance.)
...and bonnie looked shyly at him.
...and Bonnie looked shyly at him.)
"You are bonnie, huh?"
("You are Bonnie, huh?")
He could twist and turn as if she never remembered seeing anyone do before.
(He could twist and turn like no one in her memory had ever done.)
...he asked and now was string right at her...
(...he asked and now was staring right at her...)
Duane
Comment Written 31-May-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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thank you so much for your help, I made it into the voting booth for Nano book wish me luck
Comment from lchrsh
Your story is very interesting. I think it would be a fun book for kids to read. I think you need to be careful of your run-on sentences. There were quite a few of these. Ex. The water felt wonderful, she dived down. . . I don't understand your 5th paragraph. Most of these "sentences", though long and drawn out, are not really sentences. The story content is very enjoyable though.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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Your story is very interesting. I think it would be a fun book for kids to read. I think you need to be careful of your run-on sentences. There were quite a few of these. Ex. The water felt wonderful, she dived down. . . I don't understand your 5th paragraph. Most of these "sentences", though long and drawn out, are not really sentences. The story content is very enjoyable though.
Comment Written 31-May-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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thank you, I am working on original draft now
Comment from Kashif Ali Abbas
I just loved reading it. The way you moved the story with the proper dialogues, was good style,
"You couldn't scare me." Bonnie said.
Nick reached out and grabbed her, Bonnie jumped.
"See I can scare you." [ How splendid ones]
K
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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I just loved reading it. The way you moved the story with the proper dialogues, was good style,
"You couldn't scare me." Bonnie said.
Nick reached out and grabbed her, Bonnie jumped.
"See I can scare you." [ How splendid ones]
K
Comment Written 31-May-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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thank you my friend
Comment from Scornwell
An interesting read that held my attention from beginning to end. It had good imagery, strong characters, and interesting dialog. I did find some typos though.
"The excitement going through this horror caused it to slight (slightly) move"
"He could twist and turn as if (as?)she never remembered..."
"he asked and now was string (staring?) right at her"
"Sure, is that you same (name?)
Other than a little I think you have a pretty good chapter.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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An interesting read that held my attention from beginning to end. It had good imagery, strong characters, and interesting dialog. I did find some typos though.
"The excitement going through this horror caused it to slight (slightly) move"
"He could twist and turn as if (as?)she never remembered..."
"he asked and now was string (staring?) right at her"
"Sure, is that you same (name?)
Other than a little I think you have a pretty good chapter.
Comment Written 31-May-2010
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2010
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thank you so much for your help
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I could have gone with a merman, but an octopus. A little much!!! Okay, I didn't read far enough. Now the merman enters. I can't wait to see where you go with this.
reply by the author on 31-May-2010
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I could have gone with a merman, but an octopus. A little much!!! Okay, I didn't read far enough. Now the merman enters. I can't wait to see where you go with this.
Comment Written 31-May-2010
reply by the author on 31-May-2010
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The octopus was just something in the Loch, the merman, well lets see it that is what it is??? thank you
