Hey Mister
Contest Entry (a bit long - but worth it!)33 total reviews
Comment from Nicnac
Marijke,
This is a BEAUTIFUL story!
I am crying. I kept it together until I read that Colin felt his face cracking with a smile. Then the tears began gushing. I am so touched by little Brody and his charming ways. Colin has overcome his fears and uncertainties and will be a wonderful, loving parent to Brody and Ami. Oh, I feel blessed.
I was so engrossed in your story. The character development is strong and the plot is so engaging and evocative.
Suggestion:
I wondered if I should try (to) find my mother,
Congratulations on your win. Your talent shines brightly in this piece. I feel blessed to have read it. Certainly deserving of an exceptional rating!
Hugs
Nic
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2010
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Marijke,
This is a BEAUTIFUL story!
I am crying. I kept it together until I read that Colin felt his face cracking with a smile. Then the tears began gushing. I am so touched by little Brody and his charming ways. Colin has overcome his fears and uncertainties and will be a wonderful, loving parent to Brody and Ami. Oh, I feel blessed.
I was so engrossed in your story. The character development is strong and the plot is so engaging and evocative.
Suggestion:
I wondered if I should try (to) find my mother,
Congratulations on your win. Your talent shines brightly in this piece. I feel blessed to have read it. Certainly deserving of an exceptional rating!
Hugs
Nic
Comment Written 03-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2010
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Hi Nic, wow! Thank you so much for your lovely comments. Also for your generous six star rating, my friend. Warmest regards and hugs, Marijke
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You're welcome. It is a sweet, heartwarming story. :)
Comment from Aussie
Thoroughly enjoyed your Hey Mister. Love em' or not, children bring lots of joy, fun, and worry into our lives. If you don't like em' - send em' out to play in the traffic! LOL (just joking) congratulations on All Time Best status.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thoroughly enjoyed your Hey Mister. Love em' or not, children bring lots of joy, fun, and worry into our lives. If you don't like em' - send em' out to play in the traffic! LOL (just joking) congratulations on All Time Best status.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thank you, Kay, for that lovely and warm review and your generous rating. Yes, children can just wrap themselves around your heart. Warmest regards, Marijke xxxxx :o)
Comment from bob cullen
That really is a nice tale. It certainly qualifies as heart warming.
Your characters have credibility and their dialogue flows smoothly. I found no flaws in your writing.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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That really is a nice tale. It certainly qualifies as heart warming.
Your characters have credibility and their dialogue flows smoothly. I found no flaws in your writing.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Thank you, Bob, for your lovely review and generous rating. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi marijke, congrats on winning the contest. It's a heartwarming story, a bit long, but interesting. Still, I think you can shorten the flashback part. Children do have a way of turning some people's lives. Well done.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Hi marijke, congrats on winning the contest. It's a heartwarming story, a bit long, but interesting. Still, I think you can shorten the flashback part. Children do have a way of turning some people's lives. Well done.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2010
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Hi Nora, I'm pleased you enjoyed this story, my friend. Thank you for your lovely review and generous rating. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from eliz100
This was a great read from beginning to end. You said it was a little long but it was worth it. You did meet the contest requirements.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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This was a great read from beginning to end. You said it was a little long but it was worth it. You did meet the contest requirements.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Thank you so much, Eliz, for those kind words and your generous rating. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from Bellringer
An excellently told story with marvelous dialogue. The parallels in the lives of both Colin and Brody make for a believable connection. A most satisfying read. Best wishes, Hector.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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An excellently told story with marvelous dialogue. The parallels in the lives of both Colin and Brody make for a believable connection. A most satisfying read. Best wishes, Hector.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Hector, thank you for those kind words and that generous rating, my friend. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
Wow, i loved this story of how a little boy touched a frozen heart and melted it.
The way in which you allowed the background story to unfold was very fitting, and created the bridge for the adoption of the two new orphans.
My best wishes for the contest.
Juliette
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Wow, i loved this story of how a little boy touched a frozen heart and melted it.
The way in which you allowed the background story to unfold was very fitting, and created the bridge for the adoption of the two new orphans.
My best wishes for the contest.
Juliette
Comment Written 01-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Thank you Juliette, I appreciate those kind comments and your generous rating. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from beryld
The only thing wrong with this story is that it is entered into the same competition as mine. Now I've read your I KNOW I don't stand a chance...... but the read was worth it.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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The only thing wrong with this story is that it is entered into the same competition as mine. Now I've read your I KNOW I don't stand a chance...... but the read was worth it.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Thank you so much, Beryld, for those kind words and your very generous six star rating for this story. I appreciate your comments. Warmest regards, my friend, Marijke
Comment from gramalot8
Fiona, I really really liked this loveable story. I have been a foster parent and it is so hard on these kids (although I 'm proud to say I was nicer than the ones in your story)... anyway, wonderful heartfelt storyline. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Fiona, I really really liked this loveable story. I have been a foster parent and it is so hard on these kids (although I 'm proud to say I was nicer than the ones in your story)... anyway, wonderful heartfelt storyline. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2010
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Thank you so much, for your comments. It is heartening when I hear of people like yourself who take in these unfortunate children (we have several spread around our family). I drew on the personality of one of those, he is also called Brody. This was not his story, he has a loving foster family. It is heartening to know that you enjoyed this story, and you thought it was a heartfelt storyline. Warmest regards and thank you so much for this very generous six star rating. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from missy98writer
Marijke,
your story is fantastic and moving. I was crying through half of it. What a touching story. I loved it that the young man learned to love past his feeling and fears thanks to a little boy who at first he thought was pestering him. Excellent narrative, great dialogue, awesome characterization and very descriptive writing. Here are the lines that stood out for me:
What a pain. That's all I need; a kid who can't take a hint.
"Is your sister really sick? I have a sister. Do you want me to say a prayer for your sister?" He takes the cap off his head to reveal a head of dark curly hair. "I bet you're real worried 'bout your sister, and that's why you're grumpy."
"I don't have a mother, she died."
Oh, God, now what do I say?
"I'm sorry, kid. Well, go home to your daddy. He's probably worried about you by now."
"Nah, my dad died too."
His face lights up and he gives me a big smile, then he bends over and tentatively pats Mia's back. He moves both his hands to her ears and gently scratches them. Mia's tail wags so fast, I think it might drop off.
"Stop calling me mister. My name's Colin. What's funny?"
"That the dog's name is Mia, and my sister's name's Ami, 'cause the names use the same letters. M I A and A M I. And this little dog reminds me of my little sister, 'cause they both have curly hair and brown eyes
There's something about this kid. He's getting under my skin. Why would they split him and his sister up? Surely they could find a foster family who could take them both in? Poor little mites. Stop thinking like that, you idiot! Next you'll get emotionally involved
I was twelve and Jenny was ten when we were told we were adopted. Our parents always treated us different to the other three kids. They were older than us and attended private school, while we attended public school. When I asked why, I was told, 'because'
"Your dad's locked up for life. He raped and murdered a young girl. And your mother, well the less said about her the better. She was always drunk, didn't even feed you kids half the time. She took off when your father was jailed. We were the only family you and Jenny had, Colin, and don't you forget that. We took you in and treated you as our own," Ma yelled.
"With a father like yours, you'll probably end up like him. And Jenny, she's the spittin' image of your mother. She'll probably turn out like her. I'm not proud to know I have a rapist and murderer for a brother," Pa said in a deadly quiet voice. "You're bloody lucky we took you in, so show some gratitude. Now go to your room until you learn to keep your mouth shut."
When I was twenty, and Jenny eighteen, I told her about our parents, and I told her I had vowed never to get married or have children. I had built up a fear I may have inherited my dad's bad genes. I didn't want kids to suffer like we had. Jenny too, said she wouldn't get married or have kids. We had each other.
I had a couple of girlfriends, but if they got serious, I shied away quickly. I couldn't get close to anyone. They wanted to know my history, and I wasn't willing to share my family shame, and my fear that I might be like my dad. Jenny and I never drank alcohol in fear we might have inherited that gene from our mother.
We didn't have anything to do with kids, and I didn't want to. Sometimes we'd go to the theatre or a movie. Other times we'd eat a meal out. Apart from that, our lives were simple.
"Hey, that's alright, mate. You can't eat a hamburger without making a mess, it's part of the deal." I smile at him again. I can feel my face cracking - I think I'd forgotten how to smile
He stands up and wraps his arms around my shoulders. "It's okay, Colin, I cry sometimes too. It makes me feel better," he says, as his hands softly pat my back.
"Sis, you won't guess what happened to me today. I cried. I really cried. Isn't that wonderful?" I smile at her
"There's a little boy who stole my heart today. And somewhere he has a little sister. Oh, Jenny, you should see him. You'll just fall in love with him. He reminds me of me. What do you think, Jen? Will you support me in this?"
"No problems we can't overcome. We've come through a lot, sis, we know we can solve any problem that comes along, and best of all, we can give these kids the love we never had."
Thank you, God, for bringing these children into our lives. They have healed our pain and given us a reason to live and love again.
Excellent story about a man emotionally abused because of his aunt and uncle adopting them. You are a talented writer and I always look forward to reading what you write. Good luck in the contest. You story is a real contender.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Marijke,
your story is fantastic and moving. I was crying through half of it. What a touching story. I loved it that the young man learned to love past his feeling and fears thanks to a little boy who at first he thought was pestering him. Excellent narrative, great dialogue, awesome characterization and very descriptive writing. Here are the lines that stood out for me:
What a pain. That's all I need; a kid who can't take a hint.
"Is your sister really sick? I have a sister. Do you want me to say a prayer for your sister?" He takes the cap off his head to reveal a head of dark curly hair. "I bet you're real worried 'bout your sister, and that's why you're grumpy."
"I don't have a mother, she died."
Oh, God, now what do I say?
"I'm sorry, kid. Well, go home to your daddy. He's probably worried about you by now."
"Nah, my dad died too."
His face lights up and he gives me a big smile, then he bends over and tentatively pats Mia's back. He moves both his hands to her ears and gently scratches them. Mia's tail wags so fast, I think it might drop off.
"Stop calling me mister. My name's Colin. What's funny?"
"That the dog's name is Mia, and my sister's name's Ami, 'cause the names use the same letters. M I A and A M I. And this little dog reminds me of my little sister, 'cause they both have curly hair and brown eyes
There's something about this kid. He's getting under my skin. Why would they split him and his sister up? Surely they could find a foster family who could take them both in? Poor little mites. Stop thinking like that, you idiot! Next you'll get emotionally involved
I was twelve and Jenny was ten when we were told we were adopted. Our parents always treated us different to the other three kids. They were older than us and attended private school, while we attended public school. When I asked why, I was told, 'because'
"Your dad's locked up for life. He raped and murdered a young girl. And your mother, well the less said about her the better. She was always drunk, didn't even feed you kids half the time. She took off when your father was jailed. We were the only family you and Jenny had, Colin, and don't you forget that. We took you in and treated you as our own," Ma yelled.
"With a father like yours, you'll probably end up like him. And Jenny, she's the spittin' image of your mother. She'll probably turn out like her. I'm not proud to know I have a rapist and murderer for a brother," Pa said in a deadly quiet voice. "You're bloody lucky we took you in, so show some gratitude. Now go to your room until you learn to keep your mouth shut."
When I was twenty, and Jenny eighteen, I told her about our parents, and I told her I had vowed never to get married or have children. I had built up a fear I may have inherited my dad's bad genes. I didn't want kids to suffer like we had. Jenny too, said she wouldn't get married or have kids. We had each other.
I had a couple of girlfriends, but if they got serious, I shied away quickly. I couldn't get close to anyone. They wanted to know my history, and I wasn't willing to share my family shame, and my fear that I might be like my dad. Jenny and I never drank alcohol in fear we might have inherited that gene from our mother.
We didn't have anything to do with kids, and I didn't want to. Sometimes we'd go to the theatre or a movie. Other times we'd eat a meal out. Apart from that, our lives were simple.
"Hey, that's alright, mate. You can't eat a hamburger without making a mess, it's part of the deal." I smile at him again. I can feel my face cracking - I think I'd forgotten how to smile
He stands up and wraps his arms around my shoulders. "It's okay, Colin, I cry sometimes too. It makes me feel better," he says, as his hands softly pat my back.
"Sis, you won't guess what happened to me today. I cried. I really cried. Isn't that wonderful?" I smile at her
"There's a little boy who stole my heart today. And somewhere he has a little sister. Oh, Jenny, you should see him. You'll just fall in love with him. He reminds me of me. What do you think, Jen? Will you support me in this?"
"No problems we can't overcome. We've come through a lot, sis, we know we can solve any problem that comes along, and best of all, we can give these kids the love we never had."
Thank you, God, for bringing these children into our lives. They have healed our pain and given us a reason to live and love again.
Excellent story about a man emotionally abused because of his aunt and uncle adopting them. You are a talented writer and I always look forward to reading what you write. Good luck in the contest. You story is a real contender.
Melissa.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Thank you, Melissa, for reading (it was rather long!) and for reviewing, and your wonderful comments and generous rating, my friend. Also your good luck wishes. Warmest regards and hugs, Marijke
