Flash Fiction
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Time Marches On"Collection of Flash, Micro, etc.
40 total reviews
Comment from Jean Lutz
Chilling close to reality. The breakdown of our culture began one or two generations ago -- now the kids are paying the price.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Chilling close to reality. The breakdown of our culture began one or two generations ago -- now the kids are paying the price.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Thank you...thank you..thank you Smiles, CArol
Comment from misscookie
What can I say many have or had the same feeling.with the fear of someone leaving them forever.
I truly enjoyed reading this. this a good story
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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What can I say many have or had the same feeling.with the fear of someone leaving them forever.
I truly enjoyed reading this. this a good story
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Thank you...Thank you..Thank you, my friend.
As always I appreciate your comments.
Smiles, CArol
Comment from koneart
Geez! I don't think I found one, NOT ONE grammar issue. Am I blind or did you write this perfectly. First, the title struck me hard. Well done. Secondly, the last line was perfect. Very well done. What a great prose coming from a five-year old.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Geez! I don't think I found one, NOT ONE grammar issue. Am I blind or did you write this perfectly. First, the title struck me hard. Well done. Secondly, the last line was perfect. Very well done. What a great prose coming from a five-year old.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Thank you...Thank you..Thank you, my friend.
As always I appreciate your comments.
Smiles, CArol
Comment from Trybuck
I didn't see anything to improve on. In the beginning, I thought it was an older girl, maybe late teens but you turned it around quite well in the end.
Excellent job, just don't have a six to give, Buck
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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I didn't see anything to improve on. In the beginning, I thought it was an older girl, maybe late teens but you turned it around quite well in the end.
Excellent job, just don't have a six to give, Buck
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Thank you...Thank you..Thank you, my friend.
As always I appreciate your comments.
Smiles, CArol
Comment from RKagan
Oh my gosh, that last line is a stunner. GREAT job! From the eyes of a child! Wow, is all I can say. You've shown us how much she knows (without knowing) what has gone on between her parents. excellent.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Oh my gosh, that last line is a stunner. GREAT job! From the eyes of a child! Wow, is all I can say. You've shown us how much she knows (without knowing) what has gone on between her parents. excellent.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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RKagan,
My sincere apologies for my tardiness..I'll try to blame it on old age and time moving so fast.. Thank you Smiles, CArol
Comment from Sefiros
While the hinting of the father leaving does create a bit of mystery, I cannot help but think the mother is over-reacting. The father's backstory might be nice -- did he die? A serial killer? -- but you've done the best you could with the requirements of the genre. Give me a holler if you decide the rewrite this.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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While the hinting of the father leaving does create a bit of mystery, I cannot help but think the mother is over-reacting. The father's backstory might be nice -- did he die? A serial killer? -- but you've done the best you could with the requirements of the genre. Give me a holler if you decide the rewrite this.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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Sefrios,
It's flash fiction and is suppose to leave something to the reader's imagination. Bare bones... As for the mother, having lost a child, I shed a tear or hesitated each time another one walked out the door..regardless of their age. Thanks for the review...Carol
Comment from adewpearl
You use the misdirection well, Carol - I believed exactly what you meant us to believe at first. The misdirection worked for me even though you said Mommy and Daddy in the first part because I called my father Daddy until the day he died when I was in my 30's :-)
I particularly like that powerful final line where the little girl is so perceptive and realizes why her mother is reacting so strongly to her weekend away and reminds her mom that unlike Daddy, who packed up and left for good, she fully intends to return. Well written! Brooke
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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You use the misdirection well, Carol - I believed exactly what you meant us to believe at first. The misdirection worked for me even though you said Mommy and Daddy in the first part because I called my father Daddy until the day he died when I was in my 30's :-)
I particularly like that powerful final line where the little girl is so perceptive and realizes why her mother is reacting so strongly to her weekend away and reminds her mom that unlike Daddy, who packed up and left for good, she fully intends to return. Well written! Brooke
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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Brooke,
I can always count on you to lift the worry from my shoulders..thank you so much. I had numerous fours because they said they just didn't get it (thus the author notes I added). I know I'm a bit rusty, but I guess only time will tell. Thank you for the kind review and for starting my morning out with a smile.
Smiles to you..Carol
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How that last line could be any clearer is beyond me, Carol - sometimes you need to remind yourself that it's the reader, not the writer, who has the problem.
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Thanks..Just got another one telling me to revise..This person has been following each of my postings and saying just about the same thing..but thanks for the moral support. Have a great day..Carol
Comment from melyuki
hey sis, this little flash fiction is just packed with unspoken emotion.. there is so much more here than the simple story of a child going away for a weekend to grandma's house.. you have added lots of extra clues in here for the reader to make his own decsions as to the true picture that is being painted here. the tears in both mother and child's eyes tell a story all on their own.
so much is left unsaid, which really give us the opportunity to fill in the gaps and draw our own conclusions, cleverly done sis. Luv it.. but then you always were a clever little ars .... hugs to you my big sis. luv lsd xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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hey sis, this little flash fiction is just packed with unspoken emotion.. there is so much more here than the simple story of a child going away for a weekend to grandma's house.. you have added lots of extra clues in here for the reader to make his own decsions as to the true picture that is being painted here. the tears in both mother and child's eyes tell a story all on their own.
so much is left unsaid, which really give us the opportunity to fill in the gaps and draw our own conclusions, cleverly done sis. Luv it.. but then you always were a clever little ars .... hugs to you my big sis. luv lsd xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2010
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Thank you for my gretest supporter..my little Sis..what would I do without you..don't want to know either..Smiles and hugs, Sis
Comment from c_lucas
A very well written scenario with a story within a story. This has a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. There is good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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A very well written scenario with a story within a story. This has a smooth flow of words, making for an easy read. There is good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Thank you...Thank you..Thank you, my friend.
As always I appreciate your comments.
Smiles, CArol
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You're welcome, Carol. Charlie
Comment from Writeaway...
An enjoyable read Begin Again as always, it's nice to see you back on track. I can find nothing to suggest for improvement, excellent job, keep writing!! :)
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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An enjoyable read Begin Again as always, it's nice to see you back on track. I can find nothing to suggest for improvement, excellent job, keep writing!! :)
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2010
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Thank you...Thank you..Thank you, my friend.
As always I appreciate your comments.
Smiles, CArol
