The Empty Bed
It's lonely at the top72 total reviews
Comment from Gungalo
I heard a ticking in the pantry closet. My heart left my body.
What an ending!!! Poof. All gone.
Al your story is intriguing and led me all the way through on the wafting bits of mystery you threw in from time to time Like this:
I can't believe I opened myself up like that; I was way too vulnerable. Those phone calls had made me off-kilter.
Did I enjoy your creativity? You bet your boots I did!!!
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2011
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I heard a ticking in the pantry closet. My heart left my body.
What an ending!!! Poof. All gone.
Al your story is intriguing and led me all the way through on the wafting bits of mystery you threw in from time to time Like this:
I can't believe I opened myself up like that; I was way too vulnerable. Those phone calls had made me off-kilter.
Did I enjoy your creativity? You bet your boots I did!!!
Comment Written 03-Jan-2011
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2011
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Thanks once again for a great review. It's good to know I can write prose as well!
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Yes it is and this one was awesome!!!
Comment from Isaiah Ramesses
I didn't think you did a great job on the accent, Alvin, but the story reads well and has a fine morality.
"That's no lady. That's our boss, right, Katherine, boss lady?">>this reads a bit awkward.
Might as well play the dumb Southern belle...>>not seeing the reasoning of capping the "s" in southern in this particular sentence setting.
Overall, a good entry, Alvin. Your writings are always very creative and/or original. Good luck.
Isaiah
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2012
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I didn't think you did a great job on the accent, Alvin, but the story reads well and has a fine morality.
"That's no lady. That's our boss, right, Katherine, boss lady?">>this reads a bit awkward.
Might as well play the dumb Southern belle...>>not seeing the reasoning of capping the "s" in southern in this particular sentence setting.
Overall, a good entry, Alvin. Your writings are always very creative and/or original. Good luck.
Isaiah
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2012
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Thanks for your review. I'll take your suggestions into consideration.
Sir
Comment from Lekatt
Not good to be played, but I liked the story, it is well written and presented. Makes me want to read more about it, which is what it is supposed to do.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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Not good to be played, but I liked the story, it is well written and presented. Makes me want to read more about it, which is what it is supposed to do.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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Thanks for a good review.
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What do you mean
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by "not good to be played"?
Comment from bhogg
I guess I'll have to quit thinking of you as that West Coast Poet guy. This was well written with smoothly written balance between dialog and narrative. Short, compact sentence structure and good pacing. This should do well in your contest. Good luck. Regards, Bill
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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I guess I'll have to quit thinking of you as that West Coast Poet guy. This was well written with smoothly written balance between dialog and narrative. Short, compact sentence structure and good pacing. This should do well in your contest. Good luck. Regards, Bill
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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Bill, you know I am a Southerner! Although I grew up in the Southern disapora, I still grew up around all Southerners. (The only Battle of the War of Northern Aggression in Arizona was fought thirteen miles from where I grew up.) Thanks for a great review for this short story.
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One question: "Why do people object when we capitalize 'Southern'"?
Comment from TexAnn
Excellent read. This is a short story with kick. Not the typical. Thanks for the read and good luck with the contest.
TexAnn
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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Excellent read. This is a short story with kick. Not the typical. Thanks for the read and good luck with the contest.
TexAnn
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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Thanks for a good review.
Comment from Realist101
Hi Alvin, this is great, I would like to know a bit more about the business tho! ANd I love the end. It's perfectly done, as Les said, not "overly" so! I really like this, and it has just the right amount of sexy! Susan
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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Hi Alvin, this is great, I would like to know a bit more about the business tho! ANd I love the end. It's perfectly done, as Les said, not "overly" so! I really like this, and it has just the right amount of sexy! Susan
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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Thanks for a good review.
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You are most welcome Alvin! I hope you are doing okay. Hey, I just tried a practice imagistic haibun, and would love your input. No hard feeling either if it's a low score. hugs and a smile. Susan
Comment from Metal Head
Hi
I've read this story of yours and found it quite enjoyable. I'll re-read and leave thoughts/opinions as I do so. If I refer to you, I mean the narrator as this is told in first person.
"That's no lady. That's our boss, right, Katherine, boss lady?" Up to this point you've mentioned Katherine, Lloyd, Mike and Kevin, so I don't know who spoke this line. Also, I don't know if anyone would refer to someone as else 'that' if they were present, and especially so if they were talking about someone more senior. In other words, should the line be..."She's no lady. She's our boss...etc"
"Uh oh, Katherine, you're dripping saccharine and honey; we know you're upset,? Kevin said. This might only be me, but when reading this line I stoped for a second and wondered what I'd missed. What was it that upset her. I know this is explained a few lines later, but at the time it took me out of the story.
"...what's so dangerous about what we do? You never told us you were being harassed," Lloyd said. This seems to contradict Kevin earlier when he said "we know you're upset." I took this to mean they were all aware of the phone calls etc. Also, as a multi-million dollar company involved with national defense, would they not have some sort of security for senior executives?
So that first night, I fixed chateaubriand for dinner. I assumed the first night you're referring to here to be the same night when Lloyd offered to move in as you've not told us any different. You could try something like...Three days later Lloyd moved in, and that first night I fixed...etc.
In the final section, you bring us out of the back story, but you don't tell us this. I thought I was still reading the back story.
The clock reads eight-thirty AM; I'd better hurry. She's high up in a muilt-million dollar company, lives in a mountain top home, presumably has to get to down town Colorado Springs for work, and she's only getting up at 8-30.
Oh well, I had copies of all the secret DOD contracts in my home safe. To me, Katherine is far to blase. The fact she has copies should mean nothing. Lloyd, I imagine, also only wanted copies, for surely it's the information within them that's worth the big bucks to rival companies. So, the pertinent fact should not be she has copies, it should be that Lloyd has information which could damage her company.
It's quite strange this. I read the story to get an initial feel for it, then read again more closely. As I did, more and more questions popped into my head, questions which weren't apparent after the first read.
The main thing that vexes me now is this. There is a huge company dealing with DoD contracts with secrets other companies will do anything to get their hands on, yet this company does nothing to protect its senior staff.
But as I said, none of this jumped out during the first reading. Good luck in the contest.
Regards
Michael D
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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Hi
I've read this story of yours and found it quite enjoyable. I'll re-read and leave thoughts/opinions as I do so. If I refer to you, I mean the narrator as this is told in first person.
"That's no lady. That's our boss, right, Katherine, boss lady?" Up to this point you've mentioned Katherine, Lloyd, Mike and Kevin, so I don't know who spoke this line. Also, I don't know if anyone would refer to someone as else 'that' if they were present, and especially so if they were talking about someone more senior. In other words, should the line be..."She's no lady. She's our boss...etc"
"Uh oh, Katherine, you're dripping saccharine and honey; we know you're upset,? Kevin said. This might only be me, but when reading this line I stoped for a second and wondered what I'd missed. What was it that upset her. I know this is explained a few lines later, but at the time it took me out of the story.
"...what's so dangerous about what we do? You never told us you were being harassed," Lloyd said. This seems to contradict Kevin earlier when he said "we know you're upset." I took this to mean they were all aware of the phone calls etc. Also, as a multi-million dollar company involved with national defense, would they not have some sort of security for senior executives?
So that first night, I fixed chateaubriand for dinner. I assumed the first night you're referring to here to be the same night when Lloyd offered to move in as you've not told us any different. You could try something like...Three days later Lloyd moved in, and that first night I fixed...etc.
In the final section, you bring us out of the back story, but you don't tell us this. I thought I was still reading the back story.
The clock reads eight-thirty AM; I'd better hurry. She's high up in a muilt-million dollar company, lives in a mountain top home, presumably has to get to down town Colorado Springs for work, and she's only getting up at 8-30.
Oh well, I had copies of all the secret DOD contracts in my home safe. To me, Katherine is far to blase. The fact she has copies should mean nothing. Lloyd, I imagine, also only wanted copies, for surely it's the information within them that's worth the big bucks to rival companies. So, the pertinent fact should not be she has copies, it should be that Lloyd has information which could damage her company.
It's quite strange this. I read the story to get an initial feel for it, then read again more closely. As I did, more and more questions popped into my head, questions which weren't apparent after the first read.
The main thing that vexes me now is this. There is a huge company dealing with DoD contracts with secrets other companies will do anything to get their hands on, yet this company does nothing to protect its senior staff.
But as I said, none of this jumped out during the first reading. Good luck in the contest.
Regards
Michael D
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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Yes, the story does need editing. If and when I decided to publish it, I'll polish it. Thanks for a good review.
Comment from annie-angel
oh my god! I wan't prepared to be shocked!! This is great!!!!! You really slowly built the plot up till it was time to spring the trap. Well done. annie
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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oh my god! I wan't prepared to be shocked!! This is great!!!!! You really slowly built the plot up till it was time to spring the trap. Well done. annie
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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Thanks for a very supportive review.
Comment from allborn66
This is a very interesting piece. I like the twist at the end. Your voice is nice. The characterization is good. The dialogue is believable.
Barbara
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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This is a very interesting piece. I like the twist at the end. Your voice is nice. The characterization is good. The dialogue is believable.
Barbara
Comment Written 28-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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Thanks for a great review.
Comment from Scornwell
I thought this was well written with a nice twist at the end. The characters came across well and the dialog sounded realistic and seemed natural for the characters.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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I thought this was well written with a nice twist at the end. The characters came across well and the dialog sounded realistic and seemed natural for the characters.
Comment Written 28-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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I am glad you thought so! I am thinking about editing the story.