Poet and poetry
Imagination of moon for a poet2 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
Chumky, you have misinterpreted the rules for the 5/7/5 contest
This poem is supposed to have only 3 lines.
Line 1 should have only 5 syllables.
Line 2 should have 7 syllables and line 3 should have 5 syllables. You have much longer lines than this and you have far too many lines.
The slating rays of down - dawn
rubs it of its mystery - robs it
disc wrap up - wrapped up
I like the emotion you convey and your good descriptive detail. Brooke
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2011
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Chumky, you have misinterpreted the rules for the 5/7/5 contest
This poem is supposed to have only 3 lines.
Line 1 should have only 5 syllables.
Line 2 should have 7 syllables and line 3 should have 5 syllables. You have much longer lines than this and you have far too many lines.
The slating rays of down - dawn
rubs it of its mystery - robs it
disc wrap up - wrapped up
I like the emotion you convey and your good descriptive detail. Brooke
Comment Written 29-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2011
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thank you very much adewpearl,
Comment from rama devi
This is certainly imaginative. However, as warned in author's notes, it is full of grammatical errors. Also, the contest requires a three line poem with a strict syllable count of 5-7-5, so this is way too long and wordy to qualify. I suggest either rewriting a 5-7-5 poem here or removing this and posting independently from the contest.
Also, while it is okay to write poetry in an original manner and style, if you truly love writing, i humble urge you to study the grammar so you can communicate more clearly and express yourself in a way that readers can relish without having to struggle over so many bumps.
You write this in poetry genre but it reads more like rambling prose.
Some spag nits and suggestions-
*The slating rays of down awaken my thoughts, widen the unstable horizon.
did you mean DAWN? rays of down does not make sense.
*High noon gives the thoughts,(no ,) its(their) key words and description(s) but rubs(ROBS?) it of its mystery(,) replace(replacing) nudity with darkness.
With edits
High noon gives the thoughts their key words and descriptions but robs them of its mystery, replacing nudity with darkness.
*As the mind ponders, I left and my gaze from my bed, the full moon looked huge as if child has outsized head with a luminescent silver disc wrap up around infinite navy swirls.
The second part of the above sentence is very descriptive but the opening is so grammatically off as to be unclear and hard to read. Suggest making it two sentences, as it is quite long to be one.
Suggest (as I 'hear' it--feel free to use this if it sounds accurate)
As the mind ponders, I shifted my gaze from my bed. The full moon looked huge, as if child had an oversized head with a luminescent silver disc wrapped up around infinite navy swirls.
*The sight transfixed me, as it seemed within arm's reach just to my window.
Suggest replacing 'just to my window' with the word FROM
*Again, I looked to the ground the buds are opening their scent boxes, where the science search for its metabolism, and I am enjoying the beauty holds with it.
hard to read without proper punctuaiton and grammar, plus continual shifting of tenses.
Suggest-
Again, I looked to the ground. The buds were opening their scent boxes, where science searches for its metabolism, and I am enjoying the beauty held within it.
Again, the passive voicing is not optimal here. Further edits suggested-
Again, I looked to the ground. The buds were opening their scent boxes, where science searches for its metabolism, and I enjoy the beauty held within it.
*The victory I get is immense satisfaction what all of the humanity would not be able to find it in one go.
it sounds to me like English is not your first language. The phrasing style reminds me of how many people in India speak English (i live in india). Suggest restructuring this sentence for better flow and clarity-
I get the victory of immense satisfaction, something all humanity would not be able to find in one go.
*
It is the poet and his victory.
This is an oddly phrased sentence. The reader does not know what 'IT' refers to. Would make more sense as a commentary on the victory mentioned in previous sentence.
It is the victory of a poet.
or
It is the poet's victory.
While this warrants a one star rating for all the above reasons (including it not complying with contest criteria)...i do applaud your creative talent and imagination and recommend you work on developing skill so the talent can express itself freely.
Best wishes and sincere warm regards,
rama devi
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2011
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This is certainly imaginative. However, as warned in author's notes, it is full of grammatical errors. Also, the contest requires a three line poem with a strict syllable count of 5-7-5, so this is way too long and wordy to qualify. I suggest either rewriting a 5-7-5 poem here or removing this and posting independently from the contest.
Also, while it is okay to write poetry in an original manner and style, if you truly love writing, i humble urge you to study the grammar so you can communicate more clearly and express yourself in a way that readers can relish without having to struggle over so many bumps.
You write this in poetry genre but it reads more like rambling prose.
Some spag nits and suggestions-
*The slating rays of down awaken my thoughts, widen the unstable horizon.
did you mean DAWN? rays of down does not make sense.
*High noon gives the thoughts,(no ,) its(their) key words and description(s) but rubs(ROBS?) it of its mystery(,) replace(replacing) nudity with darkness.
With edits
High noon gives the thoughts their key words and descriptions but robs them of its mystery, replacing nudity with darkness.
*As the mind ponders, I left and my gaze from my bed, the full moon looked huge as if child has outsized head with a luminescent silver disc wrap up around infinite navy swirls.
The second part of the above sentence is very descriptive but the opening is so grammatically off as to be unclear and hard to read. Suggest making it two sentences, as it is quite long to be one.
Suggest (as I 'hear' it--feel free to use this if it sounds accurate)
As the mind ponders, I shifted my gaze from my bed. The full moon looked huge, as if child had an oversized head with a luminescent silver disc wrapped up around infinite navy swirls.
*The sight transfixed me, as it seemed within arm's reach just to my window.
Suggest replacing 'just to my window' with the word FROM
*Again, I looked to the ground the buds are opening their scent boxes, where the science search for its metabolism, and I am enjoying the beauty holds with it.
hard to read without proper punctuaiton and grammar, plus continual shifting of tenses.
Suggest-
Again, I looked to the ground. The buds were opening their scent boxes, where science searches for its metabolism, and I am enjoying the beauty held within it.
Again, the passive voicing is not optimal here. Further edits suggested-
Again, I looked to the ground. The buds were opening their scent boxes, where science searches for its metabolism, and I enjoy the beauty held within it.
*The victory I get is immense satisfaction what all of the humanity would not be able to find it in one go.
it sounds to me like English is not your first language. The phrasing style reminds me of how many people in India speak English (i live in india). Suggest restructuring this sentence for better flow and clarity-
I get the victory of immense satisfaction, something all humanity would not be able to find in one go.
*
It is the poet and his victory.
This is an oddly phrased sentence. The reader does not know what 'IT' refers to. Would make more sense as a commentary on the victory mentioned in previous sentence.
It is the victory of a poet.
or
It is the poet's victory.
While this warrants a one star rating for all the above reasons (including it not complying with contest criteria)...i do applaud your creative talent and imagination and recommend you work on developing skill so the talent can express itself freely.
Best wishes and sincere warm regards,
rama devi
Comment Written 29-Oct-2011
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2011
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No word to say,i never get such type of feedback.Thank you very much for the review.Hope for the same supervision from you.
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Thanks for your gracious reply. ;-)
