Nothing Good
Ambulance in the middle of the night76 total reviews
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Great piece of writing, Lee, but then I would expect nothing less from you. This tore at me, my mind was spinning. I know exactly how you feel. It's so hard, removing the personal effects of a loved one. It almost feels like a betrayal. I hope you have found some closure now.
*sigh*
Av
x
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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Great piece of writing, Lee, but then I would expect nothing less from you. This tore at me, my mind was spinning. I know exactly how you feel. It's so hard, removing the personal effects of a loved one. It almost feels like a betrayal. I hope you have found some closure now.
*sigh*
Av
x
Comment Written 30-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Av. I guess it wasn't as bad as all that. I was just trying to relate how it felt to have the ambulance in front of somebody else's house for a change. Pretty self-serving, eh?
Thanks, Av. I'm sure you understand. Peace, Lee
Comment from Judian James
"Jack," I called back with the enthusiasm of a brick. I spit a shred of tobacco off the tip of my tongue. It made me feel like Lee Marvin." As always, so well stated.
"I made a show of looking exactly nowhere" excellent
"I walked to the kitchen and dropped the cigarette pack into the trash. (yay!) From the pantry, I retrieved a box of plastic trash bags." I DID quit smoking years ago, but I have yet to pack up Mom's things. I can't begin to explain it.
This was so well written. I felt the darkness and the dread. I nodded with you when you caught your troubled neighbor's eye. I sighed deeply as I read your final line.
Expertly conveyed, Lee
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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"Jack," I called back with the enthusiasm of a brick. I spit a shred of tobacco off the tip of my tongue. It made me feel like Lee Marvin." As always, so well stated.
"I made a show of looking exactly nowhere" excellent
"I walked to the kitchen and dropped the cigarette pack into the trash. (yay!) From the pantry, I retrieved a box of plastic trash bags." I DID quit smoking years ago, but I have yet to pack up Mom's things. I can't begin to explain it.
This was so well written. I felt the darkness and the dread. I nodded with you when you caught your troubled neighbor's eye. I sighed deeply as I read your final line.
Expertly conveyed, Lee
Comment Written 30-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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Jude, as you ticked off my recent pieces, I was holding my breath, hoping you'd get to this one. You've been on this journey with me since Day 1466, and I wanted you catch this strange tangent of a story. I told it exactly the way it felt.
I'm not sure this is closure, but I'm pretty sure it closes the book. Thanks for being there. Being here. Peace, Lee
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
BRAVO! A real masterpiece! You had me at hello, as they say, with that very first superbly worded paragraph. Not only did the style continue flawlessly, but the characters came to life and I felt I'd lived on that street, sat on that front porch, lived in that house. Wonderful slice of life tale, in every way. :)
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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BRAVO! A real masterpiece! You had me at hello, as they say, with that very first superbly worded paragraph. Not only did the style continue flawlessly, but the characters came to life and I felt I'd lived on that street, sat on that front porch, lived in that house. Wonderful slice of life tale, in every way. :)
Comment Written 30-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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Phyllis, thank you so much. I'm humbled that you could insinuate yourself into the story. Much appreciated. Peace, Lee
Comment from LancsLass
This is such a deep and meaningful and personal essay. I applaud you for the facility with which you have written it. The description and dialogue you incorporate and the progression of the thought process are wonderful. It is all so very well done.
I have spent several years honing my writing to a minimum of description and word count because that is what I had been assured 'good' writing was all about. Every time I read something of yours, (and a couple of others) I find myself questioning the rightness of that. Sorry, just rambling.
Typos:
'slipped it (of) its hanger and into a plastic bag'
'He carried a drink in (a) red plastic cup'
Just a thought:
'I actually developed a check list'
Might you consider, I'd actually developed a checklist. Meaning, before, for my mother, not, now, as I'm thinking about it.
'I could still taste the copper from each time I had to dial for help.'
Okay, I'm stumped by this. Taste of copper, taste of blood, is all I can come up with but I don't think that's it.
'I spit a shred of tobacco off the tip of my tongue. It made me feel like Lee Marvin.'
Great description and rooting the reader in the scene.
I learned a new word, rube. Thanks :)
Very well done, Lee, good luck in this competition.
I hope you do more with your wiring than just put it up on FanStory. Anna
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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This is such a deep and meaningful and personal essay. I applaud you for the facility with which you have written it. The description and dialogue you incorporate and the progression of the thought process are wonderful. It is all so very well done.
I have spent several years honing my writing to a minimum of description and word count because that is what I had been assured 'good' writing was all about. Every time I read something of yours, (and a couple of others) I find myself questioning the rightness of that. Sorry, just rambling.
Typos:
'slipped it (of) its hanger and into a plastic bag'
'He carried a drink in (a) red plastic cup'
Just a thought:
'I actually developed a check list'
Might you consider, I'd actually developed a checklist. Meaning, before, for my mother, not, now, as I'm thinking about it.
'I could still taste the copper from each time I had to dial for help.'
Okay, I'm stumped by this. Taste of copper, taste of blood, is all I can come up with but I don't think that's it.
'I spit a shred of tobacco off the tip of my tongue. It made me feel like Lee Marvin.'
Great description and rooting the reader in the scene.
I learned a new word, rube. Thanks :)
Very well done, Lee, good luck in this competition.
I hope you do more with your wiring than just put it up on FanStory. Anna
Comment Written 30-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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Anna, thank you so much for this splendid review. I really appreciate the suggestion, too. I'm going to have to think about the copper. I guess I mean metallic. I'll work on it.
Thank you again. Peace, Lee
Comment from N.K. Wagner
I don't know what to say about the powerful contents of Nothing Good that won't be trite, Lee. You've captured the guilty curiosity of the neighbors. You've portrayed the superficiality of most neighborhood relationships while still identifying strongly with this family's private troubles. And you've given us an update on your own progress through the grieving process. The 5 is a joke, but it's the best you're allowed to have - stupid rule. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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I don't know what to say about the powerful contents of Nothing Good that won't be trite, Lee. You've captured the guilty curiosity of the neighbors. You've portrayed the superficiality of most neighborhood relationships while still identifying strongly with this family's private troubles. And you've given us an update on your own progress through the grieving process. The 5 is a joke, but it's the best you're allowed to have - stupid rule. :) Nancy
Comment Written 30-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Nancy. I'm glad this piece resonated with you. Peace, Lee
Comment from robina1978
I can see how this ambulance triggers the whole event of your mom dying again. It often happens this way. So sorry you lost your mom and so recently after having been her sole care taker for so long. Such a sad thing , but well written. Liked how you used putting her clothes away as a closure, as that is what it is.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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I can see how this ambulance triggers the whole event of your mom dying again. It often happens this way. So sorry you lost your mom and so recently after having been her sole care taker for so long. Such a sad thing , but well written. Liked how you used putting her clothes away as a closure, as that is what it is.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Ine. Yes, the ambulance was a potent trigger. I'm glad this story resonated with you. Peace, Lee
Comment from dbmccarter
We don't really know what the other person is going through unless we have been there ourselves. The fact that you had been there many times gave you an empathy that the others probably didn't have and it shows here. You set the scene and the mood perfectly. Deciding to move on is a personal thing and we do it when we are ready. Great read.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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We don't really know what the other person is going through unless we have been there ourselves. The fact that you had been there many times gave you an empathy that the others probably didn't have and it shows here. You set the scene and the mood perfectly. Deciding to move on is a personal thing and we do it when we are ready. Great read.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much, dbmccarter. You seem to feel some empathy yourself. It is much appreciated. Peace, Lee
Comment from ajdevore
Such an empathetic essay. Your own conflicted feelings wondering if you were compassionate or a voyeur are clearly drawn and I can tell you as a fact it is the former. Your character sketch of Jack, communicated only with realistic conversation made my stomach crunch. I wanted to reach through the screen and punch him. I hope you are ready to move on, but don't punish yourself whatever you do!!
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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Such an empathetic essay. Your own conflicted feelings wondering if you were compassionate or a voyeur are clearly drawn and I can tell you as a fact it is the former. Your character sketch of Jack, communicated only with realistic conversation made my stomach crunch. I wanted to reach through the screen and punch him. I hope you are ready to move on, but don't punish yourself whatever you do!!
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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Thank you, ajdevore. I appreciate your insightful read. Peace, Lee
Comment from Spitfire
Great mix of narrative, dialogue,and internal thoughts as you watch the action objectively, but in a parallel universe, process it with the passing of your mother. "felt as if I passed the torch"--says it all as you go into the final stage of grief-- fear of heights gone, I hope. I'm sure your mom stood over your shoulder as you wrote this. Hugs, Shari.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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Great mix of narrative, dialogue,and internal thoughts as you watch the action objectively, but in a parallel universe, process it with the passing of your mother. "felt as if I passed the torch"--says it all as you go into the final stage of grief-- fear of heights gone, I hope. I'm sure your mom stood over your shoulder as you wrote this. Hugs, Shari.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Shari. I think I can finally put it behind me now.
But I still feel bad about passing the torch to Mr. Fatal. Thanks again. Peace, Lee
Comment from Realist101
Hello Lee...I see no spags...but a lot of pain, and attempts at dispelling it. I write as I do because of pain. This essay is a sad, real, and beautifully written post. When your mama passed it brought my own loss back tenfold. My mom was killed in a car crash. But however the circumstance, it's never easy. I am here if you need me my friend. x. Susan
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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Hello Lee...I see no spags...but a lot of pain, and attempts at dispelling it. I write as I do because of pain. This essay is a sad, real, and beautifully written post. When your mama passed it brought my own loss back tenfold. My mom was killed in a car crash. But however the circumstance, it's never easy. I am here if you need me my friend. x. Susan
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Suse. I'm sorry if I stirred old pain. Peace, Lee
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It's okay...Lee, I just mentioned it to share the hurt and sad. I hope you're not without some support...hang in there? s.
