The Jersey Hoard
Viewing comments for Prologue "The Jersey Hoard."A Historical Puzzle
25 total reviews
Comment from Resha Caner
I don't usually rise in the morning and think, "Ah, it is 2013." If this were published, the reader would likely know the time period before he began reading. A ruther clue would be the mention of Caesar. As such, you want the story (and not the facts) to grab the reader as soon as possible.
Next, saying the Celtic girl is pretty is telling me what you think. Describe her, and let me decide whether I think she's pretty or not. If you do your job, that is what I will conclude.
"Rotating his right sword arm ..." <--- fragment (as is the next sentence). I'm actually OK with fragments as long as I can connect them to something, but these seem to be floating.
I don't know where you plan to go with this, but at the moment your writing style leaves me disconnected from Caesar. That's OK if he's not the MC. But if Caesar is going to carry the story, you'll need to let the reader get closer to him. Since that's the only character at the moment, that's who the reader wants to associate with.
In the next section, "five best warriors" is again telling. You'll need to let the reader get to know these warriors, and by their actions you'll have to convince me they're the best.
"... gathering before him" (strike "stood") By tightening up sentences like this, the action will move faster and you'll leave more room for descriptive words without making the story too long.
The description of Eudeyrn is nice.
Hmm. You mention hiding the treasure early on. That makes me wonder where you're going with the story ... which is a good thing. It's good to make the reader curious.
Again, the description of Kedehern is good.
"She is the soothsayer [a most important person in the trine]." The phrase in brackets is telling. I would strike it.
I'm not sure about the purpose of your writer's notes. Those are certainly questions you want the reader to ask, but you can't be blatant about it. The questions needs to arise from the story, and then you need to answer them through the story.
There is certainly an interesting mystery here; it's a great idea for a story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-May-2013
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I don't usually rise in the morning and think, "Ah, it is 2013." If this were published, the reader would likely know the time period before he began reading. A ruther clue would be the mention of Caesar. As such, you want the story (and not the facts) to grab the reader as soon as possible.
Next, saying the Celtic girl is pretty is telling me what you think. Describe her, and let me decide whether I think she's pretty or not. If you do your job, that is what I will conclude.
"Rotating his right sword arm ..." <--- fragment (as is the next sentence). I'm actually OK with fragments as long as I can connect them to something, but these seem to be floating.
I don't know where you plan to go with this, but at the moment your writing style leaves me disconnected from Caesar. That's OK if he's not the MC. But if Caesar is going to carry the story, you'll need to let the reader get closer to him. Since that's the only character at the moment, that's who the reader wants to associate with.
In the next section, "five best warriors" is again telling. You'll need to let the reader get to know these warriors, and by their actions you'll have to convince me they're the best.
"... gathering before him" (strike "stood") By tightening up sentences like this, the action will move faster and you'll leave more room for descriptive words without making the story too long.
The description of Eudeyrn is nice.
Hmm. You mention hiding the treasure early on. That makes me wonder where you're going with the story ... which is a good thing. It's good to make the reader curious.
Again, the description of Kedehern is good.
"She is the soothsayer [a most important person in the trine]." The phrase in brackets is telling. I would strike it.
I'm not sure about the purpose of your writer's notes. Those are certainly questions you want the reader to ask, but you can't be blatant about it. The questions needs to arise from the story, and then you need to answer them through the story.
There is certainly an interesting mystery here; it's a great idea for a story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-May-2013
reply by the author on 09-May-2013
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Thank you Resha, for taking the time to suggest improvements.
I don't normally take a lot of notice of the star ratings awarded. But in this instance a rating of only three stars for a documentary type story that has been extensively reviewed and edited, is an indication of very poor work. This will drag down my F.S. calculated rating taking me further away from any chance of publishing on Amazon.
I notice that you are new to the site.
If I thought that my work fell so short in everyone's opinion I would stop writing on FS right now. This is my first three star rating.
Your suggestions have been noted:) Mel.
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Actually, if you've already had many reviews of this chapter, I don't think my rating counts in your score.
But, to be honest, I don't think a rating at FS will impress any agents or publishers. This is a place where you can learn and improve, but it doesn't build a resume that will get you in the door elsewhere. Trust me. I'm not a new member, but a returning member.
I learned much about writing at FS, left for a time and was pleased by the success I had in publishing some of my stories ... even though it was A LOT of work. Anyway, now I'm back.
You needn't stop writing because of me. If you disagree with my review, then just move on. If you think there is something to it, learn from it. I'm willing to continue helping you as much as time will allow me.
I do understand. It hurt when I got my first critical review. It doesn't hurt anymore, but I take in stride and try to learn from it. Being a writer is a difficult balance - to open up and share an intimate creation, yet to develop a thick skin.
Comment from Fluffyhead
hmm like that you can write the historical drama. I don't know quite enough to do that. I found this very educational and easy to read.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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hmm like that you can write the historical drama. I don't know quite enough to do that. I found this very educational and easy to read.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
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Hi there. I'm so please you liked the first chapter. This is a special story for me because the hoard was found just two miles from where I live. I have spoken to one of the archeologists and the conclusions are that the hoard was buried in a time of stress.
Dated at 50 BC; when I looked into what was happening in this period a scenario presented itself to me and I have had a compulsion to tell it. Whilst it may or may not be close to the truth we will never know. I have used facts as far as possible.
I experienced enormous satisfaction writing this story and I know there are issues with grammar etc. But it would interest me to hear your opinion of the other four chapters... Kind regards Mel.
Comment from Glasstruth
Strange how the incidents and tactics change, but empires don't. People are basically the same as then and now. You tell a brilliant story in this chapter. Even though the majority I haven't read, it's very clear. Wonderful! Les
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Strange how the incidents and tactics change, but empires don't. People are basically the same as then and now. You tell a brilliant story in this chapter. Even though the majority I haven't read, it's very clear. Wonderful! Les
Comment Written 10-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Thank you Glasstruth, for your kind review. Yes I agree we are still the same... Mel.
Comment from Winslow
Dear Write Hand Blue,
This is an interesting tale. Who knows, what you present here may be the way it happened. I like the feel of this story because it puts you back into the time when it happens.
You change tense sometimes. This story would be improved if the tense was held constant.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Dear Write Hand Blue,
This is an interesting tale. Who knows, what you present here may be the way it happened. I like the feel of this story because it puts you back into the time when it happens.
You change tense sometimes. This story would be improved if the tense was held constant.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 09-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Thank you Winslow, for your kind review. I'm pleased you pointed that out. I have tried to keep it in present tense. Though I have been told that it should be in past tense?... Mel.
Comment from Sloegin
Good opening chapter. You need line editing in a few places, otherwise you tell an interesting story.
blue wood smoke curls lazily up into a clear blue sky, change to: curls lazily to a clear blue sky.
escort a pretty Celtic lady out of camp. You sure she was a lady? Maybe ,woman, would read better.
Rotating his RIGHT sword arm to remove a slight stiffness in his RIGHT shoulder. Take out one "right" or the other.
These are some examples of line editing that need to be looked into.
Great beginning, I'm planning on reading more.
Good luck,
sloegin
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Good opening chapter. You need line editing in a few places, otherwise you tell an interesting story.
blue wood smoke curls lazily up into a clear blue sky, change to: curls lazily to a clear blue sky.
escort a pretty Celtic lady out of camp. You sure she was a lady? Maybe ,woman, would read better.
Rotating his RIGHT sword arm to remove a slight stiffness in his RIGHT shoulder. Take out one "right" or the other.
These are some examples of line editing that need to be looked into.
Great beginning, I'm planning on reading more.
Good luck,
sloegin
Comment Written 09-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2012
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Thank you Sloegin, for your help. I have seen to the errors. If your name is sloegin, then mine should be Calvados...LOL...Mel.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi write hand blue.
Like a lot of hordes buried during the Roman and later invasions of the west, I would postulate that the owners and those who aided them didn't survive to recover them either for reasons of mishap or after falling in battle. I'd say the latter is most likely.
Some corrections for you -
the news of the defeat,the Coriosilites (nsert space after comma)
Caesar's army paid recently with the spoils of victory, after the dramatic defeat - perhaps - Caesar's army has been paid recently with the spoils of victory, after the dramatic defeat
Patrick
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2012
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Hi write hand blue.
Like a lot of hordes buried during the Roman and later invasions of the west, I would postulate that the owners and those who aided them didn't survive to recover them either for reasons of mishap or after falling in battle. I'd say the latter is most likely.
Some corrections for you -
the news of the defeat,the Coriosilites (nsert space after comma)
Caesar's army paid recently with the spoils of victory, after the dramatic defeat - perhaps - Caesar's army has been paid recently with the spoils of victory, after the dramatic defeat
Patrick
Comment Written 09-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2012
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Thank you Patrick, for your kind review. I will see to the errors...Mel.
Comment from smudge
I like this very much. It is an interesting imaginative concept. The only thing, I have always understood that writing a story in the present tense is frowned upon by publishers.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2012
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I like this very much. It is an interesting imaginative concept. The only thing, I have always understood that writing a story in the present tense is frowned upon by publishers.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2012
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Thank you Smudge, and welcome to the story. I prefer the dialogue to be in present tense...Mel.
Comment from robyn corum
Very interesting. The fact of the money is fascinating, indeed. Makes you come up with so many questions. Glad you're sharing it and your thoughts on the answers.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2012
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Very interesting. The fact of the money is fascinating, indeed. Makes you come up with so many questions. Glad you're sharing it and your thoughts on the answers.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2012
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Thank you Robyn, for your kind review. I just hope I can do the story the justice that it deserves...Mel.
Comment from Norbanus
This ambitious project is off to a good start. The history seems plausibile and the characters could have been much as described.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
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This ambitious project is off to a good start. The history seems plausibile and the characters could have been much as described.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2012
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Thank you Norbanus, for your kind review...Mel.
Comment from HittorX
Well done, Very interesting account of the facts of history. I love how you wrote this. Creative and the characters bring it to life. Good details, will read others. Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2012
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Well done, Very interesting account of the facts of history. I love how you wrote this. Creative and the characters bring it to life. Good details, will read others. Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 07-Dec-2012
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2012
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Thank you HittorX, for your kind review...Mel.
