The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "HIS TURN TO HEAL"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
38 total reviews
Comment from DerivedBetter
Well you pulled it off again. The tension was nice and I like the wasted effort with the big rock. I don't know if I could pull off the telling of the lighting the fire with rocks but you quoted it out nicely. Good job.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Well you pulled it off again. The tension was nice and I like the wasted effort with the big rock. I don't know if I could pull off the telling of the lighting the fire with rocks but you quoted it out nicely. Good job.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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I am so honored (unless you are on witness protection, can I please have your first name?). I've not had anyone go back to book I to play catch up to book II. But, I'm really touched by it. Thank you so much.
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No witness protection here Jay. My name is Tony. Nice to meet you.
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Good meeting you, Tony.
Comment from Aiona
Very good suspense. I'm awed by your skill, and the way you let the protagonist's thoughts make us question the outcome. :) And of course, ending with another cliffhanger to keep me reading.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
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Very good suspense. I'm awed by your skill, and the way you let the protagonist's thoughts make us question the outcome. :) And of course, ending with another cliffhanger to keep me reading.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
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Whoa, Aiona! Thanks for your vote of confidence. I'm glad you're enjoying this tale. So proud to have you aboard!
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
Good descriptions, and the action and hero's goal are clear: to help Axtilla when she gets wounded.
Also a good odd element added when you mention that her skin is warm and not cold (not in shock).
At the end, a good cliffhanger as she opens her eyes and asks her question.
Some suggestions:
--She was whimpering as she had after I knocked her unconscious with a right hook, days, or weeks, ago.
This continued use of timelessness makes it a bit hard to come to grips with the storyline. I suggest that, since you already have us in a strange place, adding another element of strangeness may work against your story. You may wish to consider the possibility of actually making a timeline and, you, the author, being quite clear of when a particular chapter or scene takes place. Then you can give us a time frame and this will help us readers in our sense of time, as our sense of place is the same as your character's.
I know that sometimes we, the authors, are not clear about the time frame of particular events (I had that happen to me often), so it might be helpful to create your own timeline, now that the story is clear, and inserting those "points in time" in your description. Funnily enough, timelessness does not help in coming to grips with a story. It only hinders, giving it the sense of a dream-state, which is counter productive to your intentions to making a story as clear as possible to readers, even if your characters are not quite clear about it.
--The brush collapsed in on her and she and it tumbled down the hillside.
>>The brush collapsed in on her and she and the brush {or another synomym that is more descriptive} tumbled down the hillside.<<
--I leaned against the log and caught my breath. I looked down at her. She hadn't moved since I left. I watched her chest rapidly rising and falling. I didn't have to get any closer to see her ankle had swollen. Sweat beaded her forehead. Her irises still fluttered under her half closed lids. I closed my eyes.
Many repeated uses of "I" in this paragraph. May wish to consider changing sentence structure to take a couple out.
reply by the author on 08-May-2014
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Hi Jay,
Good descriptions, and the action and hero's goal are clear: to help Axtilla when she gets wounded.
Also a good odd element added when you mention that her skin is warm and not cold (not in shock).
At the end, a good cliffhanger as she opens her eyes and asks her question.
Some suggestions:
--She was whimpering as she had after I knocked her unconscious with a right hook, days, or weeks, ago.
This continued use of timelessness makes it a bit hard to come to grips with the storyline. I suggest that, since you already have us in a strange place, adding another element of strangeness may work against your story. You may wish to consider the possibility of actually making a timeline and, you, the author, being quite clear of when a particular chapter or scene takes place. Then you can give us a time frame and this will help us readers in our sense of time, as our sense of place is the same as your character's.
I know that sometimes we, the authors, are not clear about the time frame of particular events (I had that happen to me often), so it might be helpful to create your own timeline, now that the story is clear, and inserting those "points in time" in your description. Funnily enough, timelessness does not help in coming to grips with a story. It only hinders, giving it the sense of a dream-state, which is counter productive to your intentions to making a story as clear as possible to readers, even if your characters are not quite clear about it.
--The brush collapsed in on her and she and it tumbled down the hillside.
>>The brush collapsed in on her and she and the brush {or another synomym that is more descriptive} tumbled down the hillside.<<
--I leaned against the log and caught my breath. I looked down at her. She hadn't moved since I left. I watched her chest rapidly rising and falling. I didn't have to get any closer to see her ankle had swollen. Sweat beaded her forehead. Her irises still fluttered under her half closed lids. I closed my eyes.
Many repeated uses of "I" in this paragraph. May wish to consider changing sentence structure to take a couple out.
Comment Written 08-May-2014
reply by the author on 08-May-2014
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Some good stuff to work with, Leo. As usual, thank your for your close read. I'll check into the time frame aspect of it. I'm wondering, though, if that part of the critique might have been skewed by the sequencing of your reading. I'm not complaining. I'm happy you've chosen to read the earlier chapters. I'm just wondering if you might be carrying knowledge gained from later readings into the earlier one. I AM going to check this carefully, though. Thanks again, Jay
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No Jay, it wasn't skewed, as I have notice it again and again and it suddenly came to me that this is one of the reasons why I was feeling like "in a dream" and not quite "in location." I couldn't pinpoint it, then it struck me what it was. It has happened to me in my own writing, that's why I recognized it.
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Leo, did you get a response from this review? I sent one, but now I am seeing an open box.
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thank you, Leo. I will have to check this out closely. I may have some further questions in that regard.
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Yes, Jay, and I replied. Maybe I didn't hit send? Let me check. In any case, I said that I have had that time issue happen to me in my own work, that's why I recognized it, so it wasn't an issue that came from my reading back and forth. I'd had the feeling of reading in a "dream-like" state, and as your location description where clear, it came to me that it was your recurrent use of your character's "time misplacement" what was causing it.
It could also be that my freaking internet service dropped in a synchronized way with my hitting the save key.
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No, Leo. I got your explanation both times. I thank you.
Comment from krprice
My people. . . I knew. . . A book I read recently suggested not to use knew since you're already in the MC's head. It's obvious he knew.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Try to avoid words like heard, saw, smelled, felt.
I recommend a book called The Ten Percent Solution: Self-Editing for the Modern Writer. It's a 43 pages blue book available for $7 on amazon.com.
My writing improved after reading it.
Getting to. . . leaves, and branches. . .
Read through this chapter and put a comma before the 'and' where you find a series of words in a phrase or clause.
An article I read suggested not to use the words looked and took. I've found gazed and glanced work in replacing look.
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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My people. . . I knew. . . A book I read recently suggested not to use knew since you're already in the MC's head. It's obvious he knew.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Try to avoid words like heard, saw, smelled, felt.
I recommend a book called The Ten Percent Solution: Self-Editing for the Modern Writer. It's a 43 pages blue book available for $7 on amazon.com.
My writing improved after reading it.
Getting to. . . leaves, and branches. . .
Read through this chapter and put a comma before the 'and' where you find a series of words in a phrase or clause.
An article I read suggested not to use the words looked and took. I've found gazed and glanced work in replacing look.
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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You are most helpful, Karlene. I'll be getting the Ten Percent Solution today. Yes, I can't help but recognize my overuse of look and I've tried to substitute glance and gaze and used other devises, but I have no problem with occasionally using look. Walk and Talk are other problem words. Ya do what ya gotta do, LOL. Thanks though for caring enough to point these areas out to me.
Comment from Lysa Schuler
This was exceptional. I'd thought I'd try to read your other chapters, and piece together your story. I'm not sure where to start. I guess I'll piece it together as I read more. So far it is superb. I don't know what I was thinking of my judgement in the first chapter that I read. Thinking back now, the characters had just as much life to them, as all three of these chapters, which was very well expressed. However, I can see the improvements of your writing style, and abilities in each chapter that I read. I find this story very interesting. It seems they're in a world that is wild, yet a realm of limbo, like in the series lost. What I got from the last chapter I read fascinated me. She was banished from a world described as Hell, which was somehow taken over by the conscience of Heaven. It was the only way I could envision what you described. Very intriguing. Pardon me if I'm way off here, but I'm still very much interested to see what happens next. This chapter was another sixer, but alas, I'm all out. They go much too fast. still piecing your story together, and keep writing. Excellent work. God bless you.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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This was exceptional. I'd thought I'd try to read your other chapters, and piece together your story. I'm not sure where to start. I guess I'll piece it together as I read more. So far it is superb. I don't know what I was thinking of my judgement in the first chapter that I read. Thinking back now, the characters had just as much life to them, as all three of these chapters, which was very well expressed. However, I can see the improvements of your writing style, and abilities in each chapter that I read. I find this story very interesting. It seems they're in a world that is wild, yet a realm of limbo, like in the series lost. What I got from the last chapter I read fascinated me. She was banished from a world described as Hell, which was somehow taken over by the conscience of Heaven. It was the only way I could envision what you described. Very intriguing. Pardon me if I'm way off here, but I'm still very much interested to see what happens next. This chapter was another sixer, but alas, I'm all out. They go much too fast. still piecing your story together, and keep writing. Excellent work. God bless you.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Well, you've made my day, Lysa. Thank you for deciding to jump onto the Trining train and yanking in past chapters as we fly toward the next. (I have no idea what I'm saying.) I'm so happy to have you aboard, though.
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Thank you very much. Glad to be aboard. Until next time. Many cheers, and God bless.
Comment from RayofLight7
Still got me interested! Good job!
I'm thinking he's on another planet at this point, but there's not enough description of the plants in the surrounding area to make that apparent. The red sea is a giveaway, but there needs to be more here to give the place an alien feel. And we never see what bit her, but it seems like a plain old Earth snake.
The paragraph with "...threat to her people? Later... " should be split in two. There's a little wordiness in there. From "In the meantime..." to "...today."
Try "For now, I just wanted to know where we were going and why."
"...arms and legs? Can you hear me?" I asked again. Needs ? Not ,
This chapter had a few rough spots, but nothing serious. Good work! I can't wait to see where you go with this.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Still got me interested! Good job!
I'm thinking he's on another planet at this point, but there's not enough description of the plants in the surrounding area to make that apparent. The red sea is a giveaway, but there needs to be more here to give the place an alien feel. And we never see what bit her, but it seems like a plain old Earth snake.
The paragraph with "...threat to her people? Later... " should be split in two. There's a little wordiness in there. From "In the meantime..." to "...today."
Try "For now, I just wanted to know where we were going and why."
"...arms and legs? Can you hear me?" I asked again. Needs ? Not ,
This chapter had a few rough spots, but nothing serious. Good work! I can't wait to see where you go with this.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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You'll hear about the "snake" next chapter. It'll even get a name. It's just that it's not that important. A prop. Something had to get them down the hill and her unconscious.
I didn't understand what you meant by: "...arms and legs? Can you hear me?" I asked again. Needs ? Not ,
I will check out the rough spots you were referring to. I check it all very carefully. However, I sometimes use staccato sentences, sometimes broken dialogue and sentence fragments to convey the inner state of the characters. I understand run-on sentences and try to avoid them when I see i'm just being artsy-fartsy and poetic. Anyway, thank you for plugging along with me.
Comment from Auroraboreal800
Well, this is really a very well descriptive chapter. Memories just wake up when you start describing the climb up the mountain and taking care of the deadly snake bite. Just as two year ago, my self in Utah's mountains.
This is a great written!
:)
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Well, this is really a very well descriptive chapter. Memories just wake up when you start describing the climb up the mountain and taking care of the deadly snake bite. Just as two year ago, my self in Utah's mountains.
This is a great written!
:)
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you for stopping by and reading this chapter. More action and mystery to follow in next post (perhaps today).
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Just tuned into this story. 'Tis a riveting tale! I really like your male lead character. A good guy that admits his shortcomings, but plows ahead trying to help as best he can. I love the last line, "What are you doing?" Axtilla may have awakened at the right time!
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Just tuned into this story. 'Tis a riveting tale! I really like your male lead character. A good guy that admits his shortcomings, but plows ahead trying to help as best he can. I love the last line, "What are you doing?" Axtilla may have awakened at the right time!
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much for your warm and encouraging review! Please continue to read. I'm thinking of posting the next chapter today.
Comment from Louise Michelle
It seems to me that you know how to weave a good story, with description that allows the reader to feel she's right there in the action.
This line is just one example of good writing: She moaned as I slipped my arm from under her and eased her head to the ground.
Well done, Lou
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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It seems to me that you know how to weave a good story, with description that allows the reader to feel she's right there in the action.
This line is just one example of good writing: She moaned as I slipped my arm from under her and eased her head to the ground.
Well done, Lou
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much, Louise. I think you'll find the next few chapters to be even more exciting. Wait! Am I being immodest? Sorry, but I did spend a lot of time on them.
Comment from Tina McKala
Hello, Jay!
So happy I finally had time to read this piece and again very good job. I have a few more nitpicks, but truly they are all nitcpicks - look at them, use what you think is suitable for you and forget the rest :) I am indeed no expert, but thought I'd point some stuff out.:)
I love the story, you created a perfect tension without overwriting it and being pathetic. I love this manly type of writing and I envy you this :)
You already made your readers care for both main characters, which is a great achievement. I hope Axtila is going to be strong enough to navigate him and help him help her.:)
The nitpicks:
...losing her balance fell into the brush. The brush collapsed in on her and she and it tumbled down the hillside // this sounds too clumpsy to me, but I don't have suggestions, only wanted to draw your attention to this, I'm sure you will find a way to reword it •??
I didn't have time, before, to observe the phenomenon with anything but passing wonder, back then, // do you need both "back then" and "before"?
Now I had the time, [since she didn't look like she was coming out of it any time soon], but I had more pressing concern than curiosity // I don't really like this sentence - mainly because of the part in the square brackets, I think you can drop that part and the sentence and message wouldn't suffer any harm, it comes cross.
Her Irises were still bouncing around, madly // irises (not capital) - and would it sound better if you said "her irises still bounced around, madly"?
Getting to my knees, I began ripping off the brambles, leaves and branches in which she was entangled. Soon I had her free. I laid her on her back. // the paragraph continues, but I would use the bold sentence here as a first sentence of a new paragraph - divide this one.
The rocks here were not plentiful... // drop "here"
I could be making it worse. // just a thought: I would make it worse.
Suppose that didn't happen until after dark. // sentence fragment
I held the rocks, tested their heft, and then brought them together smartly. // I think this should be a beginning of a new paragraph
my forearms were beginning to tire. // began to tire? (in attempt to make it active, I actually wonder if you can be beginning to do something - you simply begin to do something or you don't, it's a question of one moment)
Axtilla moaned somewhere to my right; // again make this a beginning of a new paragraph
my nostrils were teased with a faint smell of smoke // a faint smell of smoke teased my nostrils (just an idea to make it active)
Other flames rose. // new paragraph
Other flames rose. // new paragraph
neck (where I understood you could feel a pulse), // I don't like brackets, anytime they are used, simple commas would work as well
looking forward to the next chapter!
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Hello, Jay!
So happy I finally had time to read this piece and again very good job. I have a few more nitpicks, but truly they are all nitcpicks - look at them, use what you think is suitable for you and forget the rest :) I am indeed no expert, but thought I'd point some stuff out.:)
I love the story, you created a perfect tension without overwriting it and being pathetic. I love this manly type of writing and I envy you this :)
You already made your readers care for both main characters, which is a great achievement. I hope Axtila is going to be strong enough to navigate him and help him help her.:)
The nitpicks:
...losing her balance fell into the brush. The brush collapsed in on her and she and it tumbled down the hillside // this sounds too clumpsy to me, but I don't have suggestions, only wanted to draw your attention to this, I'm sure you will find a way to reword it •??
I didn't have time, before, to observe the phenomenon with anything but passing wonder, back then, // do you need both "back then" and "before"?
Now I had the time, [since she didn't look like she was coming out of it any time soon], but I had more pressing concern than curiosity // I don't really like this sentence - mainly because of the part in the square brackets, I think you can drop that part and the sentence and message wouldn't suffer any harm, it comes cross.
Her Irises were still bouncing around, madly // irises (not capital) - and would it sound better if you said "her irises still bounced around, madly"?
Getting to my knees, I began ripping off the brambles, leaves and branches in which she was entangled. Soon I had her free. I laid her on her back. // the paragraph continues, but I would use the bold sentence here as a first sentence of a new paragraph - divide this one.
The rocks here were not plentiful... // drop "here"
I could be making it worse. // just a thought: I would make it worse.
Suppose that didn't happen until after dark. // sentence fragment
I held the rocks, tested their heft, and then brought them together smartly. // I think this should be a beginning of a new paragraph
my forearms were beginning to tire. // began to tire? (in attempt to make it active, I actually wonder if you can be beginning to do something - you simply begin to do something or you don't, it's a question of one moment)
Axtilla moaned somewhere to my right; // again make this a beginning of a new paragraph
my nostrils were teased with a faint smell of smoke // a faint smell of smoke teased my nostrils (just an idea to make it active)
Other flames rose. // new paragraph
Other flames rose. // new paragraph
neck (where I understood you could feel a pulse), // I don't like brackets, anytime they are used, simple commas would work as well
looking forward to the next chapter!
Comment Written 14-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2014
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Tina, you are a writer's angel! Thank you SOOOO much! I will make some of the changes FOR SURE. But, I can't do anything until the post drops. The only think I do is drop in for a quick change in horrendous grammer. I cut, paste on word and save for later. Yove made this much better. You WILL get my reviewer reward, but I don't have any more this month, unless this changes today. God! You are great!
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haha, i think you already nominated me this month ;-) i am happy when i can help. and it is pleasure to read your story :-)
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Well, I'm not surprised if I did. I'm really rather frugal with them. Most reviews are obviously written to garner FS Bucks (and, I've been lazy and needed them too, so I'm not complaining), but when I find those that are GOLD, I want to reward them. If I gave you one this month. I'm sure you'll have written another for me when they are again available and I won't hesitate. Thanks, Tina!
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oh yeah, i know how the system on this site works. i've been a premier member for 2 years, now i'm not, i'm rewriting my story and posting it on a different site that is more "in-depth-reviews-friendly" and once i'm done with the first book i might repost it here (a few chapters) to see their effect. but until then i'm just enjoying a couple of stories here :-)