The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "KOJUTAKE"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
31 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
Evil Axtilla--tells him he needs to remember for himself then comes out says he killed himself.
Still enjoying it so far. I like the way you've been bringing memories back in bits and pieces triggered by what's happening to them--gives it a realistic feel.
The interaction between Doctrex (I like how he earned his name) and Axtilla is good, too. Trusting and wary and antagonistic in turns.
Only real criticism so far would be that its a bit wordy in places, and I'm probably only picking up on that because I've been cutting back my own work recently to get it to fit word count limits.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Evil Axtilla--tells him he needs to remember for himself then comes out says he killed himself.
Still enjoying it so far. I like the way you've been bringing memories back in bits and pieces triggered by what's happening to them--gives it a realistic feel.
The interaction between Doctrex (I like how he earned his name) and Axtilla is good, too. Trusting and wary and antagonistic in turns.
Only real criticism so far would be that its a bit wordy in places, and I'm probably only picking up on that because I've been cutting back my own work recently to get it to fit word count limits.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Thank you, Alex. Yes, the kid tends to Author-ize a bit doesn't he? I realize I'm gonna have to trim it back a lot before I send it out to market. I so appreciate this, Alex.
Comment from DerivedBetter
Another worthy chapter. Here we see the origin of our faithful hero's name. All catch a glimpse of who he was. Sold chapter. I'm looking forward to more.
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2014
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Another worthy chapter. Here we see the origin of our faithful hero's name. All catch a glimpse of who he was. Sold chapter. I'm looking forward to more.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2014
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I'm so happy you are enjoying it, Tony. Are you not planning on reading the current chapters until you get up to them? I know there are three up still that are paying member bucks.
Comment from Aiona
I read this yesterday, but didn't get a chance to review. I read it all the way through, as it was an easy read. If there were typos, I didn't notice them! :) Ends with another cliffhanger.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2014
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I read this yesterday, but didn't get a chance to review. I read it all the way through, as it was an easy read. If there were typos, I didn't notice them! :) Ends with another cliffhanger.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2014
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Thanks, Aiona. I'm happy you read it and enjoyed it.
Comment from krprice
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
She turned. . . I sat beside her.
Good chapter. I like the characters, and it's an interesting scenario you're setting up.
Karlene
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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Delete unnecessary 'that's.
She turned. . . I sat beside her.
Good chapter. I like the characters, and it's an interesting scenario you're setting up.
Karlene
Comment Written 02-May-2014
reply by the author on 02-May-2014
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THank you Karlene for your insightful and thoughtful review. You're not the first to mention the "that"s. It sounds like a bad habit THAT I got myself into. LOL, thanks for pointing it out. I'll go back and try to cull them from my chapters. And, thanks for reading. I hope you continue on.
Jay
Comment from Lysa Schuler
This is a very good write. The story is coming along well. It is very intriguing to read. Grammar seems accurate, but then English was not my best subject. paragraphing, and dialogue are wonderfully structured, and I'm getting to know the characters. There is more life to them, every time I read. I'm still piecing this story together, and I'll continue to do so. It fascinates me. Exceptional work, and many blessings.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2014
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This is a very good write. The story is coming along well. It is very intriguing to read. Grammar seems accurate, but then English was not my best subject. paragraphing, and dialogue are wonderfully structured, and I'm getting to know the characters. There is more life to them, every time I read. I'm still piecing this story together, and I'll continue to do so. It fascinates me. Exceptional work, and many blessings.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Lysa. I'm glad to have you back and enjoying the read. Over the next two or three chapters I think you'll like where the story takes you. Sure beats a ride on the teacups! lOL.
Comment from Tina McKala
I am sorry for a late reply - review, I had a busy week... but I see you have already the next chapter posted, so I can read it all in a row :-)
suggestions:
Axtilla, you're eyes were bouncing all over the place, // YOUR eyes
if you hadn't cut open the thrax's bite and sucked out the venom. (") // missing speech mark at the end
Our shoulders had been touching ever since she stoically removed her face from her hands, a few moments ago; she had taken a deep, but tattered breath, and scooted over next to me against the log. // (1) "removing a face from her hands" gives me a very strange visual - maybe removing hands from her face? why was she covering her face?
(2) make it two sentences - use a period instead of a semicolon
Watching, I wanted to ruffle him, to shake him, // consider dropping "watching" - from the image described before we know the narrator is watching, and this word makes it all passive and it doesn't add anything to the narration
And, then the images disappeared. // the comma seems off (but i am no expert on english grammar), but i also don't like "and" at the beginning, you don't need it there.
What had been a glowing behind the mountain, leaving it in pulsing, silhouetted relief were now fingers of vaporous, powdery colors--silver to yellow to red--extending out then pulling back. // long, and i have a personal problem when -ing verbs start and end a sentence, (but this might be just me)
(")No, Axtilla, I don't ..." // missing speech mark at the beginning
wow! this is getting pretty complicated! i believe i'm as confused as doctrex :-) and cqn't wait to see what this all means :-)
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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I am sorry for a late reply - review, I had a busy week... but I see you have already the next chapter posted, so I can read it all in a row :-)
suggestions:
Axtilla, you're eyes were bouncing all over the place, // YOUR eyes
if you hadn't cut open the thrax's bite and sucked out the venom. (") // missing speech mark at the end
Our shoulders had been touching ever since she stoically removed her face from her hands, a few moments ago; she had taken a deep, but tattered breath, and scooted over next to me against the log. // (1) "removing a face from her hands" gives me a very strange visual - maybe removing hands from her face? why was she covering her face?
(2) make it two sentences - use a period instead of a semicolon
Watching, I wanted to ruffle him, to shake him, // consider dropping "watching" - from the image described before we know the narrator is watching, and this word makes it all passive and it doesn't add anything to the narration
And, then the images disappeared. // the comma seems off (but i am no expert on english grammar), but i also don't like "and" at the beginning, you don't need it there.
What had been a glowing behind the mountain, leaving it in pulsing, silhouetted relief were now fingers of vaporous, powdery colors--silver to yellow to red--extending out then pulling back. // long, and i have a personal problem when -ing verbs start and end a sentence, (but this might be just me)
(")No, Axtilla, I don't ..." // missing speech mark at the beginning
wow! this is getting pretty complicated! i believe i'm as confused as doctrex :-) and cqn't wait to see what this all means :-)
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Tina, thank you so much!!! I love it when I can enlist the help of a REALLY GOOD editor and not have to pay her hard cash for her help. These are things that went through a rash of reviewers already and changes made. You've a good eye, Tina! Did I already give you a thumbs up this month? If not I'll put your name on a growing list of those I'll give one to as soon as available.
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Tina, I incorporated nearly all your suggestions. How some of that SPAG got past so many eyes unseen I don't know.
Comment from mlittleton
Nice story, Jay. It moves quickly and seems full of conflict and problems that keep the reader engaged. I don't know what's going on yet, but will try to keep with it. Mark
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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Nice story, Jay. It moves quickly and seems full of conflict and problems that keep the reader engaged. I don't know what's going on yet, but will try to keep with it. Mark
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Mark. I'll be posting the next chapter this evening. I'll be looking forward to your reading it.
Comment from James Dooney
This is a pretty cool work here I reckon. I must admit I am not familiar with the chapters from before so I will have to catch up on those, but I like this and I reckon catching up will in deed be worth it.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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This is a pretty cool work here I reckon. I must admit I am not familiar with the chapters from before so I will have to catch up on those, but I like this and I reckon catching up will in deed be worth it.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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Thank you, James. I hope you would find it worth it. I put in a lot of time on each chapter. Please read on.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Jay. Another terrific chapter. In this 'age' of leaving so much for the reader to fill in on their own, you take your time and lovingly lead the reader along into the interior of your story. That's a gutsy move when, as I say, the trend is for action with hit and miss depth of character. This was a strong chapter that furthers, for me, the mystery of who Kojutake are, and, now why Doc killed himself. Wish I had a six for this superb chapter, Jay. Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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Hi, Jay. Another terrific chapter. In this 'age' of leaving so much for the reader to fill in on their own, you take your time and lovingly lead the reader along into the interior of your story. That's a gutsy move when, as I say, the trend is for action with hit and miss depth of character. This was a strong chapter that furthers, for me, the mystery of who Kojutake are, and, now why Doc killed himself. Wish I had a six for this superb chapter, Jay. Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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Bev, your commendation is reward enough -- I mean that! I'm just so gratified that you enjoyed it, were entertained by it.
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I sure was, Jay! :0)
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You got a big nose and two beady eyes, but a lovely smile there!
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My face finally caught up with my nose when I got past my teenage years LoL. It's pretty proportional now, but I still use the big nose to keep me humble! I appreciate your humor, Jay.
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I was talking about your :0)! When you gave me your response (and by then I'd forgotten what I said that prompted it,) I wondered what you were talking about.
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That's what I thought was the reference point. How funny!
Comment from Norbanus
That is quite an experience that No-name is forced to consider. Axtilla is putting all his doubts out on the surface, but why doesn't she insist that they climb back to the cave? That question alone should keep your readers searching.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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That is quite an experience that No-name is forced to consider. Axtilla is putting all his doubts out on the surface, but why doesn't she insist that they climb back to the cave? That question alone should keep your readers searching.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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I'm just happy it keeps you searching. One reader at a time.
Thanks for reading and please come back!