The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "THE TABLETS OF KYRN"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
21 total reviews
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
Here I go again ... I think I have looked at all the others.
--"I'm speaking in the manner your people call metaphorically--as a way of helping you understand what is not otherwise easily understood.
How would she know or why would she state that they "call metaphorically" if she is not from there? I know he did mention the word metaphor before, and tried to explain it, but she wouldn't have caught on so fast. It's a cultural thing, and as with jokes, certain concepts are not easy to grasp.
--When a vessel empties at death, the contents have to find another vessel."
Nice metaphor, well put.
--"You think everything is framed in time and space, Doctrex?
>>"You think everything is framed in time and space, Doctrex?"<<
--Wisdom flows into to her and out through her mouth.
>>Wisdom flows into her and out through her mouth. <<
--Who is this woman? Not fifteen minutes ago she was trembling and in tears. Then suddenly she became uncannily calm. These profoundly spiritual thoughts and words she just now expressed came out of the same mouth that, not too many days ago, spoke in monosyllables and with words out of sync with her lips. Is she of another world? It's like she's a vessel herself. Wisdom flows into to her and out through her mouth. Is she a goddess? Is that what she is: a goddess who can still fall prey to the bite of a very worldly predator?
This entire section is in italics because it's his thinking. That's all fine. But I did read somewhere that it is better not to have more than two lines or so of italics in a single section, because it is harder to read. I know, some do it all the time, others format entire pages like this, but still, I have found it myself that having such long italicized sections are, in fact, harder to read. It's a matter of style, but also of putting yourself in your readers' minds. It did not bother me, while I read on the screen, but I still thought of sharing this with you. You may wish to consider playing with this a bit.
--Then, as quickly it withdrew its mighty arm and there was again a glowing nimbus of light framing the mountain.
>>Then, as quickly, it withdrew its mighty arm and there was again a glowing nimbus of light framing the mountain.
>>Then, as quickly it withdrew its mighty arm and there was again a glowing nimbus of light framing the mountain.<<
--I was hoping I broke the tension.
>>I looked at her to see if she would smile ...<< or something along those lines. He wants to see a reaction that implies "breaking the tension" so have him look for something that denotes that, rather than telling what he's expecting. Just a thought.
--Then, I asked her, "How long do you figure...
>>Then I asked her, "How long do you figure...<<
--"Care to answer a few more questions?"
"I'll try."
>>"Care to answer a few more questions?"
"Aren't you full of questions, again!"<<
Some bantering, not a direct answer, creates subtext.
--"Okay, over a week," she said. Go on."
>>"About a week, a bit more," she said, paused. "Is that so important?"<<
--If the Kojutake is a threat to us, why aren't they coming to take you away, to protect you?"
>>If the Kojutake is a threat, why aren't they coming to take you away, to protect you ... from me?"<<
Just a thought, maybe you think I've got it wrong, I mean, what you're trying to express.
--I don't think there are any your people. You know?"
>>I don't think there are any of your people."<<
--She still wouldn't look at me.
>>She didn't look at me.<<
--I laughed a short, bitter laugh. "Then, who banished you?"
>>I laughed a short, bitter laugh. "Then, who banished you?"<<
-- onto her cheek. It took her a moment before she could speak. "Don't--don't be so quick to interrupt,
>> onto her cheek. It took her a moment before she could speak. "Don't--don't be so quick to interrupt, <<
Extra space.
--grew to many hundred individual points of cohering light.
"When they became a presence to the darkness, they became a threat. They were forced into hiding."
>>grew to many hundred individual points of cohering light. When they became a presence to the darkness, they became a threat. They were forced into hiding."<<
One paragraph.
--Okay, so fast forward. Seriously.
>>Okay, fast forward. Seriously. <<
--if we didn't have the Kojutake breathing down our necks."
>>if we didn't have the Kojutake breathing down our necks!"<<
--"The Encloy reached a membership of over a thousand at its highest point, with fifty times more sympathizers in the general population.
>>"The Encloy reached a membership of over a thousand at its highest point, with fifty times more sympathizers in the general population."<<
--"At the time of the Bining the population numbered five-hundred thousand."
>>"At the time of the Bining, the population numbered five-hundred thousand."<<
--The Bining!" If I were standing, I'd have been tapping my foot.
>>The Bining!" If I were standing, I'd have been tapping my foot.<<
Extra space.
--f the dark forces were single-minded ...
>>f the Dark Forces were single-minded ...<<
Dark Forces vs dark forces ... your choice but be consistent with previous chapters.
--he equivalent of your Anno Domini or A.D. It's the beginning date ...
How would she know such a term?
--drawn into the dark forces.
>>Dark forces
-- Her voice faltered. "That always saddened me."
>> Her voice faltered. "That always saddened me."<<
Extra space.
-- behind and above me. Her breathing was labored. "L-look!"
>> behind and above me. Her breathing was labored. "L-look!"<<
Extra space.
reply by the author on 10-May-2014
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Hi Jay,
Here I go again ... I think I have looked at all the others.
--"I'm speaking in the manner your people call metaphorically--as a way of helping you understand what is not otherwise easily understood.
How would she know or why would she state that they "call metaphorically" if she is not from there? I know he did mention the word metaphor before, and tried to explain it, but she wouldn't have caught on so fast. It's a cultural thing, and as with jokes, certain concepts are not easy to grasp.
--When a vessel empties at death, the contents have to find another vessel."
Nice metaphor, well put.
--"You think everything is framed in time and space, Doctrex?
>>"You think everything is framed in time and space, Doctrex?"<<
--Wisdom flows into to her and out through her mouth.
>>Wisdom flows into her and out through her mouth. <<
--Who is this woman? Not fifteen minutes ago she was trembling and in tears. Then suddenly she became uncannily calm. These profoundly spiritual thoughts and words she just now expressed came out of the same mouth that, not too many days ago, spoke in monosyllables and with words out of sync with her lips. Is she of another world? It's like she's a vessel herself. Wisdom flows into to her and out through her mouth. Is she a goddess? Is that what she is: a goddess who can still fall prey to the bite of a very worldly predator?
This entire section is in italics because it's his thinking. That's all fine. But I did read somewhere that it is better not to have more than two lines or so of italics in a single section, because it is harder to read. I know, some do it all the time, others format entire pages like this, but still, I have found it myself that having such long italicized sections are, in fact, harder to read. It's a matter of style, but also of putting yourself in your readers' minds. It did not bother me, while I read on the screen, but I still thought of sharing this with you. You may wish to consider playing with this a bit.
--Then, as quickly it withdrew its mighty arm and there was again a glowing nimbus of light framing the mountain.
>>Then, as quickly, it withdrew its mighty arm and there was again a glowing nimbus of light framing the mountain.
>>Then, as quickly it withdrew its mighty arm and there was again a glowing nimbus of light framing the mountain.<<
--I was hoping I broke the tension.
>>I looked at her to see if she would smile ...<< or something along those lines. He wants to see a reaction that implies "breaking the tension" so have him look for something that denotes that, rather than telling what he's expecting. Just a thought.
--Then, I asked her, "How long do you figure...
>>Then I asked her, "How long do you figure...<<
--"Care to answer a few more questions?"
"I'll try."
>>"Care to answer a few more questions?"
"Aren't you full of questions, again!"<<
Some bantering, not a direct answer, creates subtext.
--"Okay, over a week," she said. Go on."
>>"About a week, a bit more," she said, paused. "Is that so important?"<<
--If the Kojutake is a threat to us, why aren't they coming to take you away, to protect you?"
>>If the Kojutake is a threat, why aren't they coming to take you away, to protect you ... from me?"<<
Just a thought, maybe you think I've got it wrong, I mean, what you're trying to express.
--I don't think there are any your people. You know?"
>>I don't think there are any of your people."<<
--She still wouldn't look at me.
>>She didn't look at me.<<
--I laughed a short, bitter laugh. "Then, who banished you?"
>>I laughed a short, bitter laugh. "Then, who banished you?"<<
-- onto her cheek. It took her a moment before she could speak. "Don't--don't be so quick to interrupt,
>> onto her cheek. It took her a moment before she could speak. "Don't--don't be so quick to interrupt, <<
Extra space.
--grew to many hundred individual points of cohering light.
"When they became a presence to the darkness, they became a threat. They were forced into hiding."
>>grew to many hundred individual points of cohering light. When they became a presence to the darkness, they became a threat. They were forced into hiding."<<
One paragraph.
--Okay, so fast forward. Seriously.
>>Okay, fast forward. Seriously. <<
--if we didn't have the Kojutake breathing down our necks."
>>if we didn't have the Kojutake breathing down our necks!"<<
--"The Encloy reached a membership of over a thousand at its highest point, with fifty times more sympathizers in the general population.
>>"The Encloy reached a membership of over a thousand at its highest point, with fifty times more sympathizers in the general population."<<
--"At the time of the Bining the population numbered five-hundred thousand."
>>"At the time of the Bining, the population numbered five-hundred thousand."<<
--The Bining!" If I were standing, I'd have been tapping my foot.
>>The Bining!" If I were standing, I'd have been tapping my foot.<<
Extra space.
--f the dark forces were single-minded ...
>>f the Dark Forces were single-minded ...<<
Dark Forces vs dark forces ... your choice but be consistent with previous chapters.
--he equivalent of your Anno Domini or A.D. It's the beginning date ...
How would she know such a term?
--drawn into the dark forces.
>>Dark forces
-- Her voice faltered. "That always saddened me."
>> Her voice faltered. "That always saddened me."<<
Extra space.
-- behind and above me. Her breathing was labored. "L-look!"
>> behind and above me. Her breathing was labored. "L-look!"<<
Extra space.
Comment Written 10-May-2014
reply by the author on 10-May-2014
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You made some brilliant catches, Leo! If I could nominate you again this month, I'd do it. (I nominated you this month, but it was for last month's work!) I'll make the changes on this soon. You are too much, man!
Comment from Green Lake Girl
There is a lot going on here, especially with the back-story. I had to read it twice! I really like your two key characters. I'm sure we'll find what the Kojutake is all about in subsequent chapters. I don't think it's as simple as the aurora borealis. Well told and well written.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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There is a lot going on here, especially with the back-story. I had to read it twice! I really like your two key characters. I'm sure we'll find what the Kojutake is all about in subsequent chapters. I don't think it's as simple as the aurora borealis. Well told and well written.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much Green Lake Girl for your take on this. Yes, and there are some surprises around the corner. I hope you are aboard to read them. I'm always afraid someone won't even read it once. And, here you are reading it twice! Hurrah! And, again, thanks.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay You did very well telling us of the past of Axtilla where she came from
But I'm still wondering what happened to Doctorex
and why he was on the shore?
Gert
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Hello Jay You did very well telling us of the past of Axtilla where she came from
But I'm still wondering what happened to Doctorex
and why he was on the shore?
Gert
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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You must not have read chapter four. That's where Axtilla gives him an explanation-- or was it chapter three? In either case, he doesn't want to accept it.
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I will take a look and se if I read chapter four. If not will read it.
Gert
Comment from thequeencatalyst
Hi there! While I haven't read the previous chapters, I can easily understand the basics of what is going on here. Chapters like this can sometimes be dry but I think you did a good job in holding the reader's interest :) Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Hi there! While I haven't read the previous chapters, I can easily understand the basics of what is going on here. Chapters like this can sometimes be dry but I think you did a good job in holding the reader's interest :) Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Jasmine. I hope you jump aboard for the succeeding chapters as well. We'll save a seat.
Comment from Selina Stambi
I keep wondering where this tale is going to go ... and so far you haven't disappointed, Jay.
Great cliffhanger. Looking forward to reading more about Doctrex and Axtillia ... they sound like a sci-fi couple already!
Have a lovely week. I think spring is finally here!
Sonali :)
Wisdom flows into (to - remove) her and out through her mouth.
Then, as quickly(,) it withdrew its
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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I keep wondering where this tale is going to go ... and so far you haven't disappointed, Jay.
Great cliffhanger. Looking forward to reading more about Doctrex and Axtillia ... they sound like a sci-fi couple already!
Have a lovely week. I think spring is finally here!
Sonali :)
Wisdom flows into (to - remove) her and out through her mouth.
Then, as quickly(,) it withdrew its
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Sonali!!! So happy to have you stop by with your one eye pressed to the line and your ear pricked up, listening for the stumbling line. Hope your Easter was blessed and your week ahead profitable. Will be 90 today, but 70 tomorrow.
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NINETY YEARS OLD?? NO .. really?? God bless you, sir!
May He renew your youth like the eagles's.
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Ah, but I'll be 70 tomorrow. These bones can't wait!
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Happy birthday, Jay. You're as young as you feel.
Comment from emrpoems
Loved the intrigue.
according to your notes I can see that you are preparing a platform for some real interesting stuff. Will look out for the next chapter to find out what that might be
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Loved the intrigue.
according to your notes I can see that you are preparing a platform for some real interesting stuff. Will look out for the next chapter to find out what that might be
Comment Written 21-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2014
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Well, I hope it lives up to the hype, LOL. Thanks, sir/ma'am. I do hope you will jump aboard. It's not a runaway train. It's going somewhere. I think you'll like the trip.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I have never been a reader of fantasy, but your nonhuman character has so many human characteristics that she sparked my interest from the beginning as has your story. Thanks for another interesting chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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I have never been a reader of fantasy, but your nonhuman character has so many human characteristics that she sparked my interest from the beginning as has your story. Thanks for another interesting chapter. :-)
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Ric. This is the first fantasy I have written. So obviously I haven't been into them much either. However, I've learned to respect the genre. I hope you continue your journey.
Comment from Tina McKala
The aurora borealis?" Axtilla asked, softly.
"It's not the aurora borealis, I'll give you that. But, for being such a threat, did you see how the Kojutake turned tail when he came out and saw us?" // this part left me confused - a while ago he didn't know anything about kojutake, he thought it was aurora borealis, now she can't recognize kojutake and he is telling her what it was? change of roles? or is he joking? i think this part needs some clarification
"Care to answer a few more questions?" // needs a speech tag, until the third speech line it is not clear who is talking
wow! this was something! i am sorry, i don't have more nitpicks ;-) the story is getting more and more engaging. it seems to me there is a very powerful philosophy at the background of what is obvious (already the cave made me think about plato's cave and illusions and now axtilla's talks somehow underlined it. i like that this is not just a simple action/fantasy/romance but there is something more between the lines to think about. great job!
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
|
The aurora borealis?" Axtilla asked, softly.
"It's not the aurora borealis, I'll give you that. But, for being such a threat, did you see how the Kojutake turned tail when he came out and saw us?" // this part left me confused - a while ago he didn't know anything about kojutake, he thought it was aurora borealis, now she can't recognize kojutake and he is telling her what it was? change of roles? or is he joking? i think this part needs some clarification
"Care to answer a few more questions?" // needs a speech tag, until the third speech line it is not clear who is talking
wow! this was something! i am sorry, i don't have more nitpicks ;-) the story is getting more and more engaging. it seems to me there is a very powerful philosophy at the background of what is obvious (already the cave made me think about plato's cave and illusions and now axtilla's talks somehow underlined it. i like that this is not just a simple action/fantasy/romance but there is something more between the lines to think about. great job!
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Tina thank you so much! Plato's cave: I never thought of that, unless it was working at the back of my mind (and that's happened before) About the aurora borealis thing, I thought I made it clear who was saying it, and once said that he was just trying to be funny. I believe what I said was that he was hoping it would lighten the mood for her. But, I'll check it out and see if it could use some clarification. Unless it's an important grammatical nit or punctuation nit (important meaning embarrassing to me not to change it) I generally wait until a post drops to make changes.
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lol maybe I'm seeing somethign that is not there, but it surely doesn't take anything from the story :) the part with him joking - now I'm not sure - have you been rewording the part already? I was probably tired while reviewing, so just ignore me. *blushing with shame*
Comment from Auroraboreal800
This is a very interesting and engaging story. I really enjoyed the dialogues and the fantastic imagery that you created with your words. I think the art work is the right one for this chapter.
Great job Jay!
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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This is a very interesting and engaging story. I really enjoyed the dialogues and the fantastic imagery that you created with your words. I think the art work is the right one for this chapter.
Great job Jay!
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Ha! That's a picture that matches your name! Thank you for the thoughtful comments. Hope to see you back.
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Sure!!
:)
Comment from comanalbert
You certainly do spend a lot of time writing and a huge amount of imagination, but you also have plenty of the latter at least. I will do my best in following, it is interesting enough, although sci-fi is not exactly my cup of tea...but once wrapped in, I hardly let go...
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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You certainly do spend a lot of time writing and a huge amount of imagination, but you also have plenty of the latter at least. I will do my best in following, it is interesting enough, although sci-fi is not exactly my cup of tea...but once wrapped in, I hardly let go...
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Albert. (Did I ever get that straightened out? Is Albert your given name?) You know, fantasy isn't the genre I'm most comfortable in? This is my first time writing a fantasy. Don't even like to read them. But, I hope I can make a convert out of you and me.