The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "JUST A LITTLE TASTE OF WAR"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
15 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
So this is how he met the Profues and Zurn. They sound like young men playing at war--wanting to start a fight then being surprised when weapons are involved. Can't imagine their commanding officer being impressed if he ever finds out.
Nit:
"Well ..." said Klasco. (")Their decision must have been difficult.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2014
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So this is how he met the Profues and Zurn. They sound like young men playing at war--wanting to start a fight then being surprised when weapons are involved. Can't imagine their commanding officer being impressed if he ever finds out.
Nit:
"Well ..." said Klasco. (")Their decision must have been difficult.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2014
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Yes, it was the first meeting. They all matured pretty much over time. You agree? Thanks for the catch. This is one of those that will go in my folder for the final edit. But they definitely will!
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Yes, they've matured since this--will be interesting to see their progress as I catch up.
Comment from Tina McKala
I'm so sorry for my delay, I was kind of on a vacation and it was complicated to read and even more complicated to review.
This was very good, I loved mainly the part after the fight, the three new characters came to life very well. Looks like Doctrex is going to have more companions from now on. And poor guy, everywhere he is, everybody thinks he's a doctor. Or is he, actually? Maybe he is, he only doesn't remember
Suggestions:
She left. I put the tablecloth to my nose and sniffed it. It smelled clean. I pressed it to the wound. He moaned. // this paragraph doesn't read well, consider connecting some of the sentences into a longer one for a better flow - maybe the last two sentences-
I looked over at Klasco. He said, "And, do you think they are wrong?" // consider giving us description of Klasco's body language instead of 'he said' - that way we would have a better picture of him and it would be still clear who was speaking, and I think the flow would be also better
I noticed he was a little red-faced. // drop "I noticed" - and what does it mean 'a little'? be more specific
I'm guessing he doesn[']t have any leadership ambitions? // missing apostroph
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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I'm so sorry for my delay, I was kind of on a vacation and it was complicated to read and even more complicated to review.
This was very good, I loved mainly the part after the fight, the three new characters came to life very well. Looks like Doctrex is going to have more companions from now on. And poor guy, everywhere he is, everybody thinks he's a doctor. Or is he, actually? Maybe he is, he only doesn't remember
Suggestions:
She left. I put the tablecloth to my nose and sniffed it. It smelled clean. I pressed it to the wound. He moaned. // this paragraph doesn't read well, consider connecting some of the sentences into a longer one for a better flow - maybe the last two sentences-
I looked over at Klasco. He said, "And, do you think they are wrong?" // consider giving us description of Klasco's body language instead of 'he said' - that way we would have a better picture of him and it would be still clear who was speaking, and I think the flow would be also better
I noticed he was a little red-faced. // drop "I noticed" - and what does it mean 'a little'? be more specific
I'm guessing he doesn[']t have any leadership ambitions? // missing apostroph
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Some excellent catches, here, Tina. I especially find the points on "flow" and character clarity helpful. I shall take a close look at these.
Comment from A Matter Of Words
Excellent writing, Jay. The pace of the piece flew as fast as the fists and knives. Very descriptive and all so fully connected, which isn't the case for too many writers trying to get a lot of action across. I look forward to the next chapter...Stephanie.
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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Excellent writing, Jay. The pace of the piece flew as fast as the fists and knives. Very descriptive and all so fully connected, which isn't the case for too many writers trying to get a lot of action across. I look forward to the next chapter...Stephanie.
Comment Written 31-May-2014
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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This chapter (and the one before it) satisfied the action lust for a lot of my readers -- though that wasn't its design. Thank you for reading this chapter. As you've perhaps surmised, I'm posting more frequently, but promoting less aggressively. I'm so happy I have readers like you who keep coming back not just for the member cents and pumps.
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Promoting our work is costly either in time or real dollars, so I understand. I joined this site to understand the art of writing and get a little feedback and not for the member cents, though they are nice....Stephanie
Comment from c_lucas
It a sad miscalculation when two become five. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
reply by the author on 30-May-2014
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It a sad miscalculation when two become five. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Comment Written 30-May-2014
reply by the author on 30-May-2014
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Yeah, so now who is outnumbered?!! Thanks, Charlie.
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You're welcome, Jay. Charlie
Comment from JB Lynn
Right from the start of this chapter, I'm wondering who "them" is supposed to be in the first sentence? It could be Klasco - though why would he erect a barricade he would later have to get around? So maybe it's his adversary? Just think about a word change.
"In his haste to get to us he collided with a chair and flung it, clattering to the side." - Nice description.
"After all, we didn't have a very cordial introduction at the door, as you were leaving and we were coming in.["]
"Hmmm. You know we'll never convince Zurn now that you're not a doctor.["]
"Doctor Murger," he said. ["]The young man told me you were here but lacked medical supplies."
"I'll see what's keeping the water, cloths and spirits?" I told him. - Are you sure you want this posed as a question?
I do feel for Zurn by the end of this chapter, and I can see why the two brothers brought him along. He might be a little slow, but he's not so slow that he can't pick up on when he's being left out of patronized. Great writing.
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Right from the start of this chapter, I'm wondering who "them" is supposed to be in the first sentence? It could be Klasco - though why would he erect a barricade he would later have to get around? So maybe it's his adversary? Just think about a word change.
"In his haste to get to us he collided with a chair and flung it, clattering to the side." - Nice description.
"After all, we didn't have a very cordial introduction at the door, as you were leaving and we were coming in.["]
"Hmmm. You know we'll never convince Zurn now that you're not a doctor.["]
"Doctor Murger," he said. ["]The young man told me you were here but lacked medical supplies."
"I'll see what's keeping the water, cloths and spirits?" I told him. - Are you sure you want this posed as a question?
I do feel for Zurn by the end of this chapter, and I can see why the two brothers brought him along. He might be a little slow, but he's not so slow that he can't pick up on when he's being left out of patronized. Great writing.
Comment Written 29-May-2014
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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Thank you, JB, for the snags. Definitely the question mark shouldn't be there. As far as the first sentence "them" I think that came as a result of lopping off the first part and not considering this part would require having some information filled in. In other words, while reading the entire chapter you wouldn't trip over that part. But, I'm just guessing. I'll go in and take a look now. By the way, I didn't miss the final chapter of yours did I? I've been looking for it on my queue. Please let me know.
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Ah-hah. I wondered if your "chapter 14" was really the start of a new chapter or if it was in the middle of a larger one. That explains it, and nevermind my comment about "them".
No, you haven't missed my final chapter. Life got in the way last night, so I didn't get my editing complete. Since it's the last for this book, I'm going over it even more brutally with my editor's pen than I normally would. ;) I'm hopeful for it to go live tonight. Sorry for the wait.
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No, it was a good observation. And I did change it to "our attackers" because it could still be interpreted the way you said. And, I'm in no hurry for the final chapter. I just didn't want to miss it. BTW, all the corrections were made that you suggested. Thank you so much. I don't know how I could have missed so many quotes.
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Well, from what I could tell, all but one of the missing quotes happened at the end of the line. If you're reading quickly, it's easy to miss those. I know when I'm editing my own work, that's where I will almost always find the majority of missing quotes. ;)
Comment from Liandra
Another great chapter. I have a feeling Doctrex may have medical skills that he's unaware of. This is a clue to his past I think, or am I wrong?
Maybe I'll have to wait and see!
Just on spag: I heard a huff (as) of air....
:) Liandra
reply by the author on 28-May-2014
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Another great chapter. I have a feeling Doctrex may have medical skills that he's unaware of. This is a clue to his past I think, or am I wrong?
Maybe I'll have to wait and see!
Just on spag: I heard a huff (as) of air....
:) Liandra
Comment Written 28-May-2014
reply by the author on 28-May-2014
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Thank you, Liandra for your continued loyalty to this novel. I posted one more today. Go figure. I'll take a look at that huff. And, bless you.
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You're welcome, will read the next chapter tomorrow. I'm curious how Disneyland is portrayed.
:) Liandra
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid using heard, saw, smelled, felt.
"Yeah,. . . try to rewrite without using knew. Ie: In the silence that followed, though, he wrinkled his brow.
We had a good laugh over that, and. . .
T in tavern should not be in caps.
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 28-May-2014
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Try to avoid using heard, saw, smelled, felt.
"Yeah,. . . try to rewrite without using knew. Ie: In the silence that followed, though, he wrinkled his brow.
We had a good laugh over that, and. . .
T in tavern should not be in caps.
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 28-May-2014
reply by the author on 28-May-2014
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Thanks, Karlene. Well, I must've been a good boy about "that"! LOL, you're special!
Comment from dreamin'
Nice twist to have the three guys come to their aid, especially having started the whole mess!
I'm beginning to believe that Doctrex actually is/was a doctor.
After the fighting ended, and all the thugs and ruffians were sorted, the dialogue worked really well to move the story.
I did not trip over any wording while reading, so no edits this time.
Well done!
Debbie
reply by the author on 28-May-2014
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Nice twist to have the three guys come to their aid, especially having started the whole mess!
I'm beginning to believe that Doctrex actually is/was a doctor.
After the fighting ended, and all the thugs and ruffians were sorted, the dialogue worked really well to move the story.
I did not trip over any wording while reading, so no edits this time.
Well done!
Debbie
Comment Written 28-May-2014
reply by the author on 28-May-2014
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Hey, Debbie! Thanks so much! Strange, so many have responded similarly about Doctrex being a Doctor in his former life. BTW, I'm going to start posting more split chapters and about every other day. Consequently, they won't ride that high on the lists. Can't afford the promotion! But that shouldn't matter too much anyway since most of my readers are alerted to the postings on their message board. Besides, there are only a handful of "meaty" reviews (yours being one), so I'm not shooting for quantity. They'll all have a 4 day certificate and a 50% chance at a pump. Just letting you know so you'll understand the differences.
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Thanks Jay. I'm just enjoying the story, so it's nice to be notified so I won't get too far behind with the frequent postings.
Working all day, reading in between and trying to write is tiring! :)
Debbie
Comment from GabbyLew
This is a well-written chapter. I like the characters. The bar fight is well described, and I like how you introduce the three brothers, and the explanation that follows.
Thanks for the glossary and the summary at the beginning.
Great job, and good luck in writing your book!
reply by the author on 27-May-2014
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This is a well-written chapter. I like the characters. The bar fight is well described, and I like how you introduce the three brothers, and the explanation that follows.
Thanks for the glossary and the summary at the beginning.
Great job, and good luck in writing your book!
Comment Written 27-May-2014
reply by the author on 27-May-2014
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Thank you, GabbyLew, for your kindness. I believe this is your first time reading the Trining. I hope it won't be the last. You are appreciated.
Comment from judy.gordon
Wow! I am very excited about this chapter. Your muse is really tuned in with making the action seem so real. I could visualize the whole episode and even place myself in the scene.The flow was perfect. The stamp of a good writer is to peak the reader's interest and keep the reader wanting more. This author did that with me. Also, the bravery aspect of the man who took the knife speaks volumes. Our world need people that have another person's back.
reply by the author on 27-May-2014
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Wow! I am very excited about this chapter. Your muse is really tuned in with making the action seem so real. I could visualize the whole episode and even place myself in the scene.The flow was perfect. The stamp of a good writer is to peak the reader's interest and keep the reader wanting more. This author did that with me. Also, the bravery aspect of the man who took the knife speaks volumes. Our world need people that have another person's back.
Comment Written 27-May-2014
reply by the author on 27-May-2014
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You have made my evening, Judy! Thank you so much for your kindness and, my goodness (I just realized) the 6 star rating! Oh, please come back and visit again. I'll try to keep my muse fed.