The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "COUNCIL ORATORY"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
14 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
A clever speech by Doctrex, demonstrating his (alleged) experience and thoughtful approach without demanding anything from the council. And they get someone to dump all the problems of an army onto.
Nits:
I've recognized, as I'm sure you have, gentlemen, that here (there?) is a close connection between physical and moral decline."
"Starting about a D ago, More (more) than a few travelers
brought news of threats and chest-pounding of(by?) a cruel ruler in the Far Northern Province, (going by/known as) the name of Glnot Rhuether.
(")Well, don't you see ... it may have appeared to you gentlemen that my only reason in coming here was to berate your brethren to the Far South.(")
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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A clever speech by Doctrex, demonstrating his (alleged) experience and thoughtful approach without demanding anything from the council. And they get someone to dump all the problems of an army onto.
Nits:
I've recognized, as I'm sure you have, gentlemen, that here (there?) is a close connection between physical and moral decline."
"Starting about a D ago, More (more) than a few travelers
brought news of threats and chest-pounding of(by?) a cruel ruler in the Far Northern Province, (going by/known as) the name of Glnot Rhuether.
(")Well, don't you see ... it may have appeared to you gentlemen that my only reason in coming here was to berate your brethren to the Far South.(")
Comment Written 03-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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Alex, thanks again for your continuing close reads of my book. I am so frustrated with FanStory's new system. I'm afraid to go from your review to the chapter in order to make the change since I might lose my responses. So, this will go in my file and I'll use it for the final edit. Just know I appreciate all your concerns.
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Completely understand. It's having hiccups to say the least.
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
--Heads were nodding. That was good.
If this is a thought, as it's in italics:
>>Heads are nodding. That's good.<<
--"Yes, do tell us, brother. I'm even beginning to wonder myself," Klasco laughed,
>>Brother vs brother ...
--"Starting about a D ago, More than a few travelers, p
>>"Starting about a D ago, more than a few travelers, p<<
--"Honestly, I'm afraid I misjudged your understanding, brother.
>>Brother vs. brother ...
--Well, don't you see ... it may have appeared to you gentlemen that my only reason in coming here was to berate your brethren to the Far South.
>>"Well, don't you see ... it may have appeared to you gentlemen that my only reason in coming here was to berate your brethren to the Far South."<<
--Gylo looked first at me then at Klasco.
>>Gylo looked first at me, then at Klasco. <<
--I had been empowered, there was no doubt about it--but by whom? Or what?
I think you should perhaps introduce a hint of this into his performance as it's happening, Jay. I was wondering how the hell could he speak about that so fluently, make it all up out of thin air ... sort of unbelievable, out of character. But if it's something else driving him, then you should perhaps let us sense it as the speech unfolds, then expand it as you have in this section.
--surprise me about her powers. She demonstrated healing powers, on me,
>>powers and powers , twice in a row ...
--narrow crevice , exiting the cave, there was t
>>narrow crevice, exiting the cave, there was t<<
Extra space before the comma ...
--"They will see you now, Mr. Braanz." She held open the door.
>>"They will see you now, Mr. Braanz." Shamora held open the door.<<
Clarify who it is, as her presence is distanced by his thoughts and it could be someone else.
--I took my place behind my chair.
>>His chair? Not clear, Jay. Did he sit, stand? ...
--I dipped my head slightly, and brought it back up, keeping my eyes all the while on Gylo. I sat down.
>>I dipped my head slightly, and brought it back up, sat down keeping my eyes all the while on Gylo.<<
--"We have made a decision, Doctrex."
"I see."
>>"We have made a decision, Doctrex."
"That is very kind of you."<<
Or something along those lines. "I see" sounds a bit doubtful.
--"So you are rejecting my petition."
>>"So I must understand that you are rejecting my petition?"<<
--"No, please sit down, Doctrex. We concur that it would be a tragic waste of experience and intelligence having you fight side-by-side with the soldiers."
I sat back down.
>>"No, please sit down, Doctrex."
I obeyed, sat down.
"We concur that it would be a tragic waste of experience and intelligence having you fight side-by-side with the soldiers."<<
>>>>>>>
Jay, I believe this section needs trimming as it goes into a bit of a melodramatic attitude. They wouldn't play with him like that, they would be more direct and respectful.
>>"We all concur that we don't want you side-by-side with the soldiers, even if you are protecting Kabeezan soil."
"I see," I said, feeling blood drain from my face. I turned my gaze to Klasco, who was staring at them stonily. I began to stand up.
Gylo spoke, "No, please sit down, Doctrex. We concur that it would be a tragic waste of experience and intelligence having you fight side-by-side with the soldiers."
I sat back down.
"We want you to lead the Kabeezan militia as their general," he went on. We stared at each other without saying anything, so he asked, "Do you accept our counter offer? It's understandable if you want to consider it for a while."
I would cut the chapter here, so force readers to read on.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2014
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Hi Jay,
--Heads were nodding. That was good.
If this is a thought, as it's in italics:
>>Heads are nodding. That's good.<<
--"Yes, do tell us, brother. I'm even beginning to wonder myself," Klasco laughed,
>>Brother vs brother ...
--"Starting about a D ago, More than a few travelers, p
>>"Starting about a D ago, more than a few travelers, p<<
--"Honestly, I'm afraid I misjudged your understanding, brother.
>>Brother vs. brother ...
--Well, don't you see ... it may have appeared to you gentlemen that my only reason in coming here was to berate your brethren to the Far South.
>>"Well, don't you see ... it may have appeared to you gentlemen that my only reason in coming here was to berate your brethren to the Far South."<<
--Gylo looked first at me then at Klasco.
>>Gylo looked first at me, then at Klasco. <<
--I had been empowered, there was no doubt about it--but by whom? Or what?
I think you should perhaps introduce a hint of this into his performance as it's happening, Jay. I was wondering how the hell could he speak about that so fluently, make it all up out of thin air ... sort of unbelievable, out of character. But if it's something else driving him, then you should perhaps let us sense it as the speech unfolds, then expand it as you have in this section.
--surprise me about her powers. She demonstrated healing powers, on me,
>>powers and powers , twice in a row ...
--narrow crevice , exiting the cave, there was t
>>narrow crevice, exiting the cave, there was t<<
Extra space before the comma ...
--"They will see you now, Mr. Braanz." She held open the door.
>>"They will see you now, Mr. Braanz." Shamora held open the door.<<
Clarify who it is, as her presence is distanced by his thoughts and it could be someone else.
--I took my place behind my chair.
>>His chair? Not clear, Jay. Did he sit, stand? ...
--I dipped my head slightly, and brought it back up, keeping my eyes all the while on Gylo. I sat down.
>>I dipped my head slightly, and brought it back up, sat down keeping my eyes all the while on Gylo.<<
--"We have made a decision, Doctrex."
"I see."
>>"We have made a decision, Doctrex."
"That is very kind of you."<<
Or something along those lines. "I see" sounds a bit doubtful.
--"So you are rejecting my petition."
>>"So I must understand that you are rejecting my petition?"<<
--"No, please sit down, Doctrex. We concur that it would be a tragic waste of experience and intelligence having you fight side-by-side with the soldiers."
I sat back down.
>>"No, please sit down, Doctrex."
I obeyed, sat down.
"We concur that it would be a tragic waste of experience and intelligence having you fight side-by-side with the soldiers."<<
>>>>>>>
Jay, I believe this section needs trimming as it goes into a bit of a melodramatic attitude. They wouldn't play with him like that, they would be more direct and respectful.
>>"We all concur that we don't want you side-by-side with the soldiers, even if you are protecting Kabeezan soil."
"I see," I said, feeling blood drain from my face. I turned my gaze to Klasco, who was staring at them stonily. I began to stand up.
Gylo spoke, "No, please sit down, Doctrex. We concur that it would be a tragic waste of experience and intelligence having you fight side-by-side with the soldiers."
I sat back down.
"We want you to lead the Kabeezan militia as their general," he went on. We stared at each other without saying anything, so he asked, "Do you accept our counter offer? It's understandable if you want to consider it for a while."
I would cut the chapter here, so force readers to read on.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Leo. As usual, lots of good catches and a very cogent reason for lopping off the last sentence in the chapter. I will paste these into my folder and use them for my final edit. [Is there ever a final edit?]
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Yes, there is a final edit ... and it usually means it's still not perfect. LOL!
Comment from Tina McKala
wow, even better pretender than I would guess at first. was it axtilla? or was it something in him? his previous self? very intriguing and as a general his power will be enormous. very interesting twist in the story. who would expect that? great job!
Heads were nodding. That was good. // this was in italics in the text = no need for that
"Starting about a D ago, [M]ore than a few travelers,// no capital 'm' in 'more'
["]Well, don't you see ... it may have appeared to you gentlemen that my only reason in coming here was to berate your brethren to the Far South.["] // missing speech marks on both the beginning and the end
"They will see you now, Mr. Braanz." She held open the door. // consider rewording "she" to "the receptionist" - in teh paragraph above he was contemplating about Axtila, so now when you say "she" it sounds as if Axtilla came there.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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wow, even better pretender than I would guess at first. was it axtilla? or was it something in him? his previous self? very intriguing and as a general his power will be enormous. very interesting twist in the story. who would expect that? great job!
Heads were nodding. That was good. // this was in italics in the text = no need for that
"Starting about a D ago, [M]ore than a few travelers,// no capital 'm' in 'more'
["]Well, don't you see ... it may have appeared to you gentlemen that my only reason in coming here was to berate your brethren to the Far South.["] // missing speech marks on both the beginning and the end
"They will see you now, Mr. Braanz." She held open the door. // consider rewording "she" to "the receptionist" - in teh paragraph above he was contemplating about Axtila, so now when you say "she" it sounds as if Axtilla came there.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Ah! You have some good points, Tina. And those blasted missing quote marks. Why can't I see them? (And, don't say, "because they're missing!) I'll try to get to those corrections today.
Comment from maggieadams
Dear Jay, I want to review and support you in your writing, but I am not a fantasy fiction gal and I am lost...I will try to review in the following way: your spag is excellent, looks like you write great dialogue and you have good word choice and description. I really, really appreciate that you are following my story. Hope you have a following, I bet you do.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Dear Jay, I want to review and support you in your writing, but I am not a fantasy fiction gal and I am lost...I will try to review in the following way: your spag is excellent, looks like you write great dialogue and you have good word choice and description. I really, really appreciate that you are following my story. Hope you have a following, I bet you do.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2014
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Maggie, you don't need to follow this novel. Believe it or not, I've never written a fantasy before and I don't particularly like to read them: have never read the classics. I took it on as a challenge. It has caught on. But, please don't give it a second thought. Blessings to you. Jay
Comment from Selina Stambi
Wow! That's an unexpected development.
Axtilia directing his mind? My goodness!
Looking forward to finding out more, Jay.
Until next time,
Sonali
breathing heavily, as though it were his last .. his last what? The line seems a bit incomplete
He blinked(,) but didn't say anything
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2014
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Wow! That's an unexpected development.
Axtilia directing his mind? My goodness!
Looking forward to finding out more, Jay.
Until next time,
Sonali
breathing heavily, as though it were his last .. his last what? The line seems a bit incomplete
He blinked(,) but didn't say anything
Comment Written 04-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Sonali. For reading, your comments and your stars. Thank you especially for pointing out a possible incompleteness. I'll definitely correct the SPAG. And, as usual, you are my crit-rock.
Comment from dreamin'
"Yes, do tell us, brother. I'm even beginning to wonder myself," Klasco laughed, but he shared a quick glance at me that belied his laughter. I was wondering if Doc would remember his brother was there.
It's good to see Axtilla back in the game, even if it does turn out to only be in Doc's mind.
Hmmm, I'm now beginning to wonder who Doc really is. Sounds like he's a master strategist in the making, or one already, and is starting to show his true colors.
This story keeps getting more and more interesting.
No edits.
Thanks
Debbie
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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"Yes, do tell us, brother. I'm even beginning to wonder myself," Klasco laughed, but he shared a quick glance at me that belied his laughter. I was wondering if Doc would remember his brother was there.
It's good to see Axtilla back in the game, even if it does turn out to only be in Doc's mind.
Hmmm, I'm now beginning to wonder who Doc really is. Sounds like he's a master strategist in the making, or one already, and is starting to show his true colors.
This story keeps getting more and more interesting.
No edits.
Thanks
Debbie
Comment Written 03-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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Well, first of all -- thanks for the 6 star rating! I love it! And, you are such a loyal fan to the Trining, I keep hoping I can keep the bar at a high enough level to keep your interest. Bless you, Debbie!
Jay
Comment from Ritsal
Wow. A general. He rose up the ranks quickly. I surmise Klasco wasn't in agreement. Hope to see Axtilla rejoin the party.
I took a sip from the Goblet - uncap
Best wishes,
Rita
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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Wow. A general. He rose up the ranks quickly. I surmise Klasco wasn't in agreement. Hope to see Axtilla rejoin the party.
I took a sip from the Goblet - uncap
Best wishes,
Rita
Comment Written 03-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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Really! I capitalized Goblet? LOL, thanks, Rita. No, I think Klasco was as surprised as Doctrex. I appreciate your stars. Now the work begins.
Comment from krprice
"Not at all. . . goblet, and. .
I took a. . . I sipped from the goblet. . .
Run this through a grammar checker or check those sentences that have three phrases for punctuation.
I dipped . . . I sat. Delete down. Implicit.
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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"Not at all. . . goblet, and. .
I took a. . . I sipped from the goblet. . .
Run this through a grammar checker or check those sentences that have three phrases for punctuation.
I dipped . . . I sat. Delete down. Implicit.
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 03-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Karlene. I appreciate your close read. I don't understand what you mean by "sentences that have three phrases for punctuation." I do agree with removing "down". Will take care of that.
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If a sentence has a series of words, phrases, or clauses, you should put a comma before the and/or.
IE: Mary sat at the table, picked up her fork, and started eating.
Hope this makes sense now.
Comment from A Matter Of Words
That was a bonus. I am sure that he was stunned at their proposal. I couldn't imagine having to keep the lies and deceptions straight. The urges and voices in his heart and head must be Axtilla. Nicely penned, my friend....Stephanie
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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That was a bonus. I am sure that he was stunned at their proposal. I couldn't imagine having to keep the lies and deceptions straight. The urges and voices in his heart and head must be Axtilla. Nicely penned, my friend....Stephanie
Comment Written 03-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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Stephanie, thank you for your usual kindness. We'll get another take on the voices next chapter.
Comment from GWHARGIS
He does have leadership qualities, I'll give him that. I did find it funny that, they didn't even try to check any references on his claim. I know, I know, this is the human part of me, in the twenty first century talking, but it kind of made me wonder. I liked how he could pull that one out of his hat. He is definitely a smart guy. He thinks on his feet and I like how even when called out, he lands on his feet. Klasco seemed to be catching up after every line Doctorex said. He is a good man not to disassociate himself with Doctorex. If it is found out that Doctorex is an imposter, then Klasco will be in deep do do.
Only one spag. Need opening and closing quote marks on one line:Well, don't you see....to the far south.
Another great chapter. Are you ever going to give us more Klea?
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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He does have leadership qualities, I'll give him that. I did find it funny that, they didn't even try to check any references on his claim. I know, I know, this is the human part of me, in the twenty first century talking, but it kind of made me wonder. I liked how he could pull that one out of his hat. He is definitely a smart guy. He thinks on his feet and I like how even when called out, he lands on his feet. Klasco seemed to be catching up after every line Doctorex said. He is a good man not to disassociate himself with Doctorex. If it is found out that Doctorex is an imposter, then Klasco will be in deep do do.
Only one spag. Need opening and closing quote marks on one line:Well, don't you see....to the far south.
Another great chapter. Are you ever going to give us more Klea?
Comment Written 03-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2014
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I'm glad you're getting into the drama from the 21st century perspective. I think it helped the lack of background checking by the fact that Klasco was "one of the boys". Not that there was shenanigans in the Council, but I think there was more implicit trust in Klasco's brother. Thank you for catching the missing quote mark. About Klea ... I can't really say much without giving away something, but she plays less a part than I think you'd prefer. You'll just have to wait for the skein to unwind, I'm afraid.