The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "DISILLUSIONMENT"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
14 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
Klasco is very protective of his family when riled.
Couple of small suggestions:
Cut back a wee bit on the two paras where Doctrex describes Sarisa's appearance and his leap (not the one starting 'when I opened my yes', that's the key one so you want that one standing out). Coming this close after the actual event they're a touch too heavy on detail. (And would he want to reveal he grabbed Klasco's daughter's legs?)
Other thing: Klasco's reaction works, but I question the use of 'traitor' during his tirade. It felt too heavy to me. What makes him suddenly think Doctrex has betrayed them?
Nits:
And as my Brother, if you feel the same, you would lay down your life for me!(")
"I want to tell you just one more thing, and, if you will let me finish it(,) I will get off the wagon and you'll never see me again.
...confront him. I must get to him first.(")
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2014
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Klasco is very protective of his family when riled.
Couple of small suggestions:
Cut back a wee bit on the two paras where Doctrex describes Sarisa's appearance and his leap (not the one starting 'when I opened my yes', that's the key one so you want that one standing out). Coming this close after the actual event they're a touch too heavy on detail. (And would he want to reveal he grabbed Klasco's daughter's legs?)
Other thing: Klasco's reaction works, but I question the use of 'traitor' during his tirade. It felt too heavy to me. What makes him suddenly think Doctrex has betrayed them?
Nits:
And as my Brother, if you feel the same, you would lay down your life for me!(")
"I want to tell you just one more thing, and, if you will let me finish it(,) I will get off the wagon and you'll never see me again.
...confront him. I must get to him first.(")
Comment Written 29-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2014
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Ohhhh, I am so tempted to go back and make some tweaks to this chapter, Alex, but I simply can't afford the time now. So much on my plate, I'll have to put this in the folder with the rest and use it on the final edit. Thanks, though, for your great eyes and ears.
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
I realized I'd missed this chapter before. So here are the glitches I found. Otherwise the rest move smoothly and the interpersonal play advances the plot forward nicely.
--He paused and smiled. "like the membrane
>>He paused and smiled. "Like the membrane <<
--you would lay down your life for me!
>>you would lay down your life for me!"<<
-- I thought we were going to swing back together in the other direction, and then, without a sound, without an effort I felt myself being pulled up through and into what I thought would be the plane of Kojutake.
>> I thought we were going to swing back together in the other direction, and then, without a sound, without an effort, I felt myself being pulled up through and into what I thought would be the plane of Kojutake. <<
Extra comma added after "effort."
--Or the mythical god Kyre, himself--I don't know--called you here--I could be made to believe that!
>>Awkward construction with the three -- ...
--"No," he shouted, his lips trembling, "You won't interrupt.
>>"No," he shouted, his lips trembling, "you won't interrupt. <<
--The difference is it happened to me.
>>The difference is, it happened to me. <<
--"And, I would ask that you point me toward the Northern Province."
>>"And, I would ask that you point me toward the Northern Province," I added.<<
--the army of Kabeez into men with that same desire.
>>the army of Kabeez into men with that same desire."<<
--I must get to him first.
>>I must get to him first."<<
--Without either there is no hope at all."
>>Without either, there is no hope at all."<<
--
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Hi Jay,
I realized I'd missed this chapter before. So here are the glitches I found. Otherwise the rest move smoothly and the interpersonal play advances the plot forward nicely.
--He paused and smiled. "like the membrane
>>He paused and smiled. "Like the membrane <<
--you would lay down your life for me!
>>you would lay down your life for me!"<<
-- I thought we were going to swing back together in the other direction, and then, without a sound, without an effort I felt myself being pulled up through and into what I thought would be the plane of Kojutake.
>> I thought we were going to swing back together in the other direction, and then, without a sound, without an effort, I felt myself being pulled up through and into what I thought would be the plane of Kojutake. <<
Extra comma added after "effort."
--Or the mythical god Kyre, himself--I don't know--called you here--I could be made to believe that!
>>Awkward construction with the three -- ...
--"No," he shouted, his lips trembling, "You won't interrupt.
>>"No," he shouted, his lips trembling, "you won't interrupt. <<
--The difference is it happened to me.
>>The difference is, it happened to me. <<
--"And, I would ask that you point me toward the Northern Province."
>>"And, I would ask that you point me toward the Northern Province," I added.<<
--the army of Kabeez into men with that same desire.
>>the army of Kabeez into men with that same desire."<<
--I must get to him first.
>>I must get to him first."<<
--Without either there is no hope at all."
>>Without either, there is no hope at all."<<
--
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Leo. I always find your reviews are gold mines. I was pasting the useful critiques for each chapter to word so I'll be able to do a final edit and I noticed your absence. But, you always seem to catch up. And, as a top notch editor, I can't beat your price! Seriously, thanks for being here!
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You're welcome, Jay. It's just been difficult at this end but I've just done a second chapter today.
Comment from Tina McKala
Oh, well, every brotherhood seems to end, but i also found Klasco's reaction appropriate - he loves his family more than anything and when his little baby girl becomes apart of a story like this - i wonder why he didn't punch doctrex lol
I can't wait for them to reach kabeez, and see what is going to happen once they are there.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Oh, well, every brotherhood seems to end, but i also found Klasco's reaction appropriate - he loves his family more than anything and when his little baby girl becomes apart of a story like this - i wonder why he didn't punch doctrex lol
I can't wait for them to reach kabeez, and see what is going to happen once they are there.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Oh, good! I see you are reading the ones you missed in order. Yeah, you don't mess with my baby!
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I had to catch up with everything I missed :) it was actually good to read them in a row, also the transitions between the chapters were fine. and now I'm off to read the two new pieces :)
Comment from Liandra
I didn't think Doctrex would have told him everything, so I'm not surprised that Klasco acted the way he did. He just doesn't understand. I thought maybe it was the end of the road where Klasco was concerned, but he appears to have at least some faith in Doctrex. How does a person explain the circumstances that are way beyond normal!
One little thing - 'I launched off (itand)...
Will catch up with the next chapter tomorrow, all being
well.
Hugs,
Liandra
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2014
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I didn't think Doctrex would have told him everything, so I'm not surprised that Klasco acted the way he did. He just doesn't understand. I thought maybe it was the end of the road where Klasco was concerned, but he appears to have at least some faith in Doctrex. How does a person explain the circumstances that are way beyond normal!
One little thing - 'I launched off (itand)...
Will catch up with the next chapter tomorrow, all being
well.
Hugs,
Liandra
Comment Written 02-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2014
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Liandra, I am so grateful that you are reading this and have plans to read the next one. I'm glad you understand the emotional/psychological dilemma Doctrex and Klasco are in. I'll go in and fix the typo. Thanks again, Liandra.
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid using heard, smelled, felt, saw or any versions thereof.
Try to avoid using looked. Try glanced or another synonym.
I felt physically ill. Suggest: My stomach roiled as if I were on a boat, and the food inside threatened to come back up.
He sniffed, and his jaw muscles bounced. I continued.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
He didn't. . . His shoulders slumped.
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Try to avoid using heard, smelled, felt, saw or any versions thereof.
Try to avoid using looked. Try glanced or another synonym.
I felt physically ill. Suggest: My stomach roiled as if I were on a boat, and the food inside threatened to come back up.
He sniffed, and his jaw muscles bounced. I continued.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
He didn't. . . His shoulders slumped.
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 01-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2014
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Thank you for reading, Karlene. I will look over your suggestions.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Fascinating interaction between the two characters. Your ability with dialogue is impressive, Jay. Poor Doctrex, he's just can't get Klasko to believe his story.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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Fascinating interaction between the two characters. Your ability with dialogue is impressive, Jay. Poor Doctrex, he's just can't get Klasko to believe his story.
:) Bev
Comment Written 31-May-2014
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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Thanks, Bev. Yeah, I think klasco would have gone along with just about anything and still maintained his "brotherhood" until Doctrex brought little Sarisa into the fray.
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You're welcome, Jay.
Comment from padumachitta
Hello. Well, the truth will out eh, And emotion is high,
a few long sentences, but hey, the sotry needs to be told.
I am thinking I missed this one...
oh well, better to have read it out of order than not at all:-)
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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Hello. Well, the truth will out eh, And emotion is high,
a few long sentences, but hey, the sotry needs to be told.
I am thinking I missed this one...
oh well, better to have read it out of order than not at all:-)
Comment Written 31-May-2014
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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You are the second person, Padumachitta (is that your first name or a handle?), to think you missed a chapter. This is the second half of one chapter, that began with "Klasco Goes to Disneyland." I'm glad you enjoyed it. BTW, feel free to point out any long sentences. I have a weakness for them, so much so, that I'm not even aware, sometimes, that I'm in the middle of one (See?). I read right over them in the edit, and when someone kindly points one out, I'm often able to go back and reconfigure. Thanks for the stars and kind words.
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Hey, soory i was confused, i have a migrain and maybe am just slow today...padumachitta is in fact the name i use everyday, though it is not my birth name...
long sentences are ok sometimes,,but i will point em out to you next tiem...and it will not mess with the rating...
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Ratings don't bother me, if they are honest. I got one from someone who raved about my writing -- nothing but applause -- then gave me a three star, with no explanation. That pissed me off! If someone gives me 3 stars then he's better be helping me with his comments. I removed him from those who can read my postings.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Did I miss this? I think I have already read the Disneyland chapter, but somehow I missed this. I liked confrontational attitude of klasco. he really did seem pissed, yet was reluctant to toss Doctorex out of the cart. I think he know the truth deep down. Great chapter.
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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Did I miss this? I think I have already read the Disneyland chapter, but somehow I missed this. I liked confrontational attitude of klasco. he really did seem pissed, yet was reluctant to toss Doctorex out of the cart. I think he know the truth deep down. Great chapter.
Comment Written 31-May-2014
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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Ah, Gretchen! You got it entirely. This is the chapter after Disneyland (actually both are one chapter lopped off near the middle and put into two sections.) Thank you for reading and for your always astute commentary.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
m friend, you add another smile to the story, a teller and a holder, we live in the words created, as the fire grows, so does the desire to find a pause and hold, in the eyes of the reader you gather the next line and proceed. I am there with you.. best day out there. walt
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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m friend, you add another smile to the story, a teller and a holder, we live in the words created, as the fire grows, so does the desire to find a pause and hold, in the eyes of the reader you gather the next line and proceed. I am there with you.. best day out there. walt
Comment Written 31-May-2014
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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Walt, I'm tickled when I have a true poet who has the intuition to hack into the undergrowth of my fantasy and the discernment to follow this writer's mythic intention. Glad to have you aboard.
Comment from A Matter Of Words
The emotional interplay between Klasco and Doctrex is very well written, Jay. For as much as there is this deep Brotherly bond, the reader can feel how delicate the connection has become with the distrust and uncertainty. Another excellent chapter....Stephanie
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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The emotional interplay between Klasco and Doctrex is very well written, Jay. For as much as there is this deep Brotherly bond, the reader can feel how delicate the connection has become with the distrust and uncertainty. Another excellent chapter....Stephanie
Comment Written 31-May-2014
reply by the author on 31-May-2014
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Yes, yes! I'm enjoying the delicate emotional balance between these two. I'm trying my best to keep it honest, while making sure it doesn't subvert the movement of the plot. Thanks for reading, Stephanie.
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My pleasure. You know you have got it right when the subtleties are heard. Well done.