The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "ASSAULT ON PAPPERING"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
14 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
Good to see Klasco come around, even though he needed pushed to accept he experienced the same nudge on his thoughts as Doctrex to do it. Story continues to move at a good pace.
Nits:
Since you helped me not just get into the Kabeezan militia, but be a leader over all the fighting men(,) we can't afford
but I don't have a choice but (to) try
Then, that's what you should do .... Then, that's what I--what I--Then, that's--"
--Delete " or add one at beginning.
He turned to me and he slowly bobbed
--Delete second 'he'
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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Good to see Klasco come around, even though he needed pushed to accept he experienced the same nudge on his thoughts as Doctrex to do it. Story continues to move at a good pace.
Nits:
Since you helped me not just get into the Kabeezan militia, but be a leader over all the fighting men(,) we can't afford
but I don't have a choice but (to) try
Then, that's what you should do .... Then, that's what I--what I--Then, that's--"
--Delete " or add one at beginning.
He turned to me and he slowly bobbed
--Delete second 'he'
Comment Written 03-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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Thanks, Alex for your close read and for your always apt comments.
I can't believe I wrote (Is it taken verbatim from my text: Then, that's what I--what I--Then, that's--" Okay!? LOL, was I drunk when I wrote it?
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I put it down to Doctrex being out on his feet and his thoughts going a bit wonky as a result.
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
There are three types of stories:
1) Character-centered.
2) Plot-centered.
3) Relationship-centered.
This is of the third kind, as mostly the interplay is about the relationships. Just thought I might say that.
I see that this novel moves forward mostly by dialogue interspersed with sporadic action, as it's mostly about the relationship between characters and different points of view, paradigms, and coming to grips with that. This being the case, certain things like discussions about pappering and the difference in measuring units of length, etc., are interesting, but in this chapter you may have overdone that a bit as suddenly I wondered why you brought it up again. I saw, a little later, that it was about his learning or admitting he could papper, but you may have stretched a bit too long. You may wish to revise that part and shorten it, or bring the point of it to our attention a little bit sooner so we know why it is being brought up.
Some snags:
--"A slunum!" he growled. "A slunum!"
>>Klasco must know by now that there are certain terms Doctrex does not understand or know, so it's a bit too much to have him react so strongly.
--"A slunum, then; but can't you see that you laid the foundation for it?
>>"A slunum, then; but can't you see that you laid the foundation for it?"<<
--"But you said she, Doctrex.
>>"But you said she, Doctrex."<<
--"Why should that happen?"
"Not that I would say anything that would disprove that we are brothers or that I was a Chief Magistrate. Nothing like that. Something even more direct."
"I'm confused."
>>you may wish to insert who speaks here and there. I had to reread it to follow whose dialogue line it was. It is clear, but only if we concentrate hard. You don't want that, you want it to be as easy to follow as possible.
--As a matter of fact you may have something of the status of a celebrity."
>>As a matter of fact, you may have something of the status of a celebrity."<<
--He was having trouble finishing his thought.
>>Not thought ... he was speaking. Ending the sentence or expressing himself.
--his eyes batting. "how you got to
>>his eyes batting. "How you got to <<
--When we--when you--defeat Glnot Rhuether and return to Kabeez I would be honored to share my land
>>When we--when you--defeat Glnot Rhuether and return to Kabeez, I would be honored to share my land <<
--And, if that happens I must go where Axtilla goes.
>>And, if that happens, I must go where Axtilla goes. <<
--
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2014
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Hi Jay,
There are three types of stories:
1) Character-centered.
2) Plot-centered.
3) Relationship-centered.
This is of the third kind, as mostly the interplay is about the relationships. Just thought I might say that.
I see that this novel moves forward mostly by dialogue interspersed with sporadic action, as it's mostly about the relationship between characters and different points of view, paradigms, and coming to grips with that. This being the case, certain things like discussions about pappering and the difference in measuring units of length, etc., are interesting, but in this chapter you may have overdone that a bit as suddenly I wondered why you brought it up again. I saw, a little later, that it was about his learning or admitting he could papper, but you may have stretched a bit too long. You may wish to revise that part and shorten it, or bring the point of it to our attention a little bit sooner so we know why it is being brought up.
Some snags:
--"A slunum!" he growled. "A slunum!"
>>Klasco must know by now that there are certain terms Doctrex does not understand or know, so it's a bit too much to have him react so strongly.
--"A slunum, then; but can't you see that you laid the foundation for it?
>>"A slunum, then; but can't you see that you laid the foundation for it?"<<
--"But you said she, Doctrex.
>>"But you said she, Doctrex."<<
--"Why should that happen?"
"Not that I would say anything that would disprove that we are brothers or that I was a Chief Magistrate. Nothing like that. Something even more direct."
"I'm confused."
>>you may wish to insert who speaks here and there. I had to reread it to follow whose dialogue line it was. It is clear, but only if we concentrate hard. You don't want that, you want it to be as easy to follow as possible.
--As a matter of fact you may have something of the status of a celebrity."
>>As a matter of fact, you may have something of the status of a celebrity."<<
--He was having trouble finishing his thought.
>>Not thought ... he was speaking. Ending the sentence or expressing himself.
--his eyes batting. "how you got to
>>his eyes batting. "How you got to <<
--When we--when you--defeat Glnot Rhuether and return to Kabeez I would be honored to share my land
>>When we--when you--defeat Glnot Rhuether and return to Kabeez, I would be honored to share my land <<
--And, if that happens I must go where Axtilla goes.
>>And, if that happens, I must go where Axtilla goes. <<
--
Comment Written 08-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2014
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Thank you for the types of stories. It helps give me another focus while I read. Ah, yes, the pappering. Strange, I haven't had other requests to shorten it. Which doesn't mean you're not spot on. I will take this and include it in my editing folder. You are an asset, Leo. Thanks again.
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Shortening, or simply putting the "insight" aspect of it a bit sooner up in the text so we understand why it's so long. Consider it as a little story within a story where you need to let us see the goal?need versus desires?and give us the appropriate pay-off that should be a mini-revelation. Also, it's taking the whole point of the chapter away, or shifting it's weight towards the end bringing it out of balance, as it were.
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Very good point, Leo. I hope these comments print out with the original crit so I can read them in their context.
Comment from dreamin'
Hi Jay, just a couple of notes. This is really moving now. I'm looking forward to the adventures of Doc, Sheleck, Giln and Zurn (sounds like a Kabeezan law firm) :)
"Not that I would say anything that would disprove that we are brothers or that I was a Chief Magistrate. Nothing like that.
Suggested rewrite: I would not say anything to disprove we are brothers, or that I was the Chief Magistrate. Nothing like that." (this removes three "that's") :)
"And like a ribbon, loosely winding round the tracks of my words, becoming part of my words, then replacing my words, the smooth ribbon of Klasco's humming worked at softening all the corners of my awareness." Great imagery!
"We are about at the inn." ('almost' at the Inn)
Debbie
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2014
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Hi Jay, just a couple of notes. This is really moving now. I'm looking forward to the adventures of Doc, Sheleck, Giln and Zurn (sounds like a Kabeezan law firm) :)
"Not that I would say anything that would disprove that we are brothers or that I was a Chief Magistrate. Nothing like that.
Suggested rewrite: I would not say anything to disprove we are brothers, or that I was the Chief Magistrate. Nothing like that." (this removes three "that's") :)
"And like a ribbon, loosely winding round the tracks of my words, becoming part of my words, then replacing my words, the smooth ribbon of Klasco's humming worked at softening all the corners of my awareness." Great imagery!
"We are about at the inn." ('almost' at the Inn)
Debbie
Comment Written 08-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2014
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Oh, some more good stuff. Especially the removal of the three thats. Yeah, that's good. And, gaul-dang it, you're right, too, about "almost at the inn. I have a way of finding the most round-about ways of saying the simplest things.
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Trust me I know. It's so much easier to spot when someone else goes round-about on the simple things, than it is to know when you've done it. :)
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. I have been away for while.It was good to catch upon the story'. I like getting more detailand information.The dialogue works well.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2014
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Hi. I have been away for while.It was good to catch upon the story'. I like getting more detailand information.The dialogue works well.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2014
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Good, glad you're back and playing catch-up.
Comment from A Matter Of Words
There is a deep bonding happening between these two, and it is not just based on their common goal..it is a brotherly bond. You have done a great job of feathering it in. I chuckle at your cosmic vocabulary--slunum. pappering, crossans, Pomnots. There are the sort of word that slip out of my mouth after too much wine! The concept of pappering is brilliant.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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There is a deep bonding happening between these two, and it is not just based on their common goal..it is a brotherly bond. You have done a great job of feathering it in. I chuckle at your cosmic vocabulary--slunum. pappering, crossans, Pomnots. There are the sort of word that slip out of my mouth after too much wine! The concept of pappering is brilliant.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Thank you Stephanie for coming back for another chapter. I hope you stick it out to the end. Only 10 more chapters until the end of book I. I was tickled by your wine-speak. Too funny! See you next time.
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I'll stay tuned. At some point I want to go back and read the story from the beginning.
Comment from Liandra
Your story is amazing and I love the conversations between Doctrex and Klasco. There's a very strong connection between them, I have a feeling that there's more than they are aware.
I particularly like the words of Klasco: 'I don't know that I..." He erupted with a dry chuckle, "that I want to know. But, I have grown fond of you. As far as I am concerned, you are my brother.'
This story has a mystery about it that those who read will keep reading to the end - if there is one!
Hugs,
Liandra
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Your story is amazing and I love the conversations between Doctrex and Klasco. There's a very strong connection between them, I have a feeling that there's more than they are aware.
I particularly like the words of Klasco: 'I don't know that I..." He erupted with a dry chuckle, "that I want to know. But, I have grown fond of you. As far as I am concerned, you are my brother.'
This story has a mystery about it that those who read will keep reading to the end - if there is one!
Hugs,
Liandra
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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That's funny. "will keep reading to the end - if there is one!"
Thanks for continuing to be my rock, Liandra.
Jay
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Jay, you've tapped into an interdimensional experience. Whether it's off world or within the planet Earth - I cannot see Doctrex's journey ending with this book. I believe there is far more just waiting to be written after this one.
The decision of course is yours to make.
You have the ability to stir the readers imagination in your descriptive words. At times it's similar to a puzzle. With your words you open one window and then another, and a picture begins to take shape.
It's brilliant!
hugs
Liandra
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You couldn't say anything more validating to a writer than that he has the ability to stir the readers imagination in his descriptive words. Thank you, Dear Liandra.
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Anytime, my friend.
hugs,
Liandra
Comment from krprice
I put. . . I, too, feel. . .
Good chapter. It moved smoothly and the relationship between Klasco and Docterx grew.
Look forward to more.
Karlene
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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I put. . . I, too, feel. . .
Good chapter. It moved smoothly and the relationship between Klasco and Docterx grew.
Look forward to more.
Karlene
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Karlene. I appreciate your hanging in here with me on this.
Comment from Ritsal
Great chapter unraveling a bit more of the mystery. I'm enjoying this adventure as you tease us along with just enough info to keep me coming back.
Best wishes,
Rita
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Great chapter unraveling a bit more of the mystery. I'm enjoying this adventure as you tease us along with just enough info to keep me coming back.
Best wishes,
Rita
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Rita. That's what fantasy mysteries are all about: raveling more and more about less and less. No, that's the definition of a specialist!
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You're right
Comment from GWHARGIS
This has nothing to do with your chapter, but I have found the perfect actor for Klasco. John Rhys Davies. The guy from the Indiana Jones movies. It is all I can see when I read his dialogue and actions. Now on to the chapter. I liked the relaxed feel of this one. There was only the two men talking and trying to come to terms with the charade they just put on. I am glad that Doctorex called Klasco out on his part of the deception. I think Klasco understands thee need for the lies, but can't come to terms with it yet. Great chapter and even better character development.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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This has nothing to do with your chapter, but I have found the perfect actor for Klasco. John Rhys Davies. The guy from the Indiana Jones movies. It is all I can see when I read his dialogue and actions. Now on to the chapter. I liked the relaxed feel of this one. There was only the two men talking and trying to come to terms with the charade they just put on. I am glad that Doctorex called Klasco out on his part of the deception. I think Klasco understands thee need for the lies, but can't come to terms with it yet. Great chapter and even better character development.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Gretchen, I'm so happy you see the progression in the character development. Too many people who read this, I'm afraid, don't realize that this is a character driven story. Thank you for your essentially close read.
Comment from Tina McKala
I'm going to miss you, Brother," he said, and his eyes, I noticed, were a little glassy. // you can drop "notice" - it is clear
Klasco was manilupated into the performance at the council meeting too? Now, this is interesting. I can't wait to see what power is responsible for all this. Whether it really was axtialla or not (my personal guess would be that it was something else lol)
And I loved how he discovered he could papper and I finally understand fully what it means and how it works. great imagery!
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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I'm going to miss you, Brother," he said, and his eyes, I noticed, were a little glassy. // you can drop "notice" - it is clear
Klasco was manilupated into the performance at the council meeting too? Now, this is interesting. I can't wait to see what power is responsible for all this. Whether it really was axtialla or not (my personal guess would be that it was something else lol)
And I loved how he discovered he could papper and I finally understand fully what it means and how it works. great imagery!
Comment Written 06-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Tina. I agree with you on "I noticed". I'll take care of it shortly. So many people are left wondering if it is Axtilla's power (including Klasco and Doctrex. I've got to hurry and get to the revealing chapter so I won't have to wonder either.