The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "FOUR MEN AND A MISSION"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
19 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
What has Klasco planned now. Nice hook to end with.
And I like Zurn more each time he appears. So much passes over his head, but he's determined and loyal.
Chapter flows well. Only on bit when it stuttered a bit--when Sheleck says "oh, yes". The oh seemed a bit young (but it might be because someone picked me up on using 'oh' once so it tends to jump out at me now).
Nits:
but (judging by) the way he kept glancing over at Giln, whose back was to him
--not strictly needed though.
on a fair amount to pay Klynch to board the crossans and he left to secure our room.
--Don't need the 'he'
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2014
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What has Klasco planned now. Nice hook to end with.
And I like Zurn more each time he appears. So much passes over his head, but he's determined and loyal.
Chapter flows well. Only on bit when it stuttered a bit--when Sheleck says "oh, yes". The oh seemed a bit young (but it might be because someone picked me up on using 'oh' once so it tends to jump out at me now).
Nits:
but (judging by) the way he kept glancing over at Giln, whose back was to him
--not strictly needed though.
on a fair amount to pay Klynch to board the crossans and he left to secure our room.
--Don't need the 'he'
Comment Written 03-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2014
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Yes, everyone seems to love Zurn, to want to mother or father him. Thanks, again, for continuing on with this, Alex. You are a gem!
Comment from Norbanus
An interesting and fast moving yarn, Jay. Ther are a few oppertunities to tighten.
Here are a few spots to check:
Giln stepped away from the other two and approached the wagon. He smiled up at us and said, "We've been waiting. The stable boy saw the dust lifting up from the road and as soon as he recognized your crossans, he ran into the tavern and alerted us." Wordiness. Consider tightening to:
'The stable boy saw your dust and recognized your crossans. He ran to the tavern to alerted us.'
As though recognizing she was the object of the stable boy's observation, the gray mare suddenly thrust her head in the air, shook her muscled neck and whinnied. Tighter phrasing will make for easier reading. Consider: 'The gray mare sensed the stable boy's attention and thrust her head in the air, shook her muscled neck and whinnied.'
Zurn giggled with enjoyment(cut 'with enjoyment'. Giggled shows enjoyment. from the doorway. I saw that(cut 'that') he wanted to race over to the crossan, but the way(cut 'the way') he kept glancing over at Giln, whose back was to him, he must have been warned ahead of time (cut 'ahead of time') to stay back with Sheleck. Zurn grinned at Sheleck, whose tan shirt was unbuttoned, exposing a white bandage the doctor must have wrapped a half-dozen times, or so, around his chest. There was a dull, dark circle on the bandage near his left nipple.
"Was your journey productive?" Giln asked Klasco in a soft voice.
Klasco smiled. "Productive of what?"
"Well ... I mean ..." he glanced furtively, left and right.
"We have the papers," Klasco said, keeping his voice down, too.
Giln's eyes filled. He clasped his hands over his mouth and looked down. His breath caught in his throat. When he looked up his eyes were red and he pulled his fingers across his cheeks, wiping the wetness on his trousers. He sniffed. "Thank you, sir--Thank you. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't give him any hope." In the brief silence that ensued, I thought he would weep again. A brief silence ensued, and I thought he would weep again. "It would break his heart to stay behind. It would break mine and Sheleck's to leave him. After all, he is our brother."
Klasco looked over at me and then back to Giln. "We understand brotherhood."
Giln made some kind of movement of his hand behind his back. Sheleck saw it and a full grin spread across his face. They must have planned the signal. Zurn was oblivious of it all, intent on watching every movement of the gray mare, who was just now nuzzling the Chestnut's nose. (Consider tightening. Perhaps: 'Zurn, oblivious of it all, stood watching the gray mare nuzzling the Chestnut's nose.' He pointed and giggled again.
#
Klasco settled--after some good-natured dickering--on a fair amount to pay Klynch to board the crossans and he left to secure our room. I accompanied the brothers and Zurn to have a drink at the Tavern. I explained that Klasco had driven the wagon the entire journey and was looking forward to a nap before dinner. Before all this, Klasco had told me he would make arrangements with the Innkeeper, who in turn would inform the tavern maidens that the tally for the drinks and any food was to be added to the room cost. (Wordiness. Consider tightening. Perhaps:
'Before all this, Klasco told me he would make arrangements with the Innkeeper, to add the cost of any food to the room cost.'
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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An interesting and fast moving yarn, Jay. Ther are a few oppertunities to tighten.
Here are a few spots to check:
Giln stepped away from the other two and approached the wagon. He smiled up at us and said, "We've been waiting. The stable boy saw the dust lifting up from the road and as soon as he recognized your crossans, he ran into the tavern and alerted us." Wordiness. Consider tightening to:
'The stable boy saw your dust and recognized your crossans. He ran to the tavern to alerted us.'
As though recognizing she was the object of the stable boy's observation, the gray mare suddenly thrust her head in the air, shook her muscled neck and whinnied. Tighter phrasing will make for easier reading. Consider: 'The gray mare sensed the stable boy's attention and thrust her head in the air, shook her muscled neck and whinnied.'
Zurn giggled with enjoyment(cut 'with enjoyment'. Giggled shows enjoyment. from the doorway. I saw that(cut 'that') he wanted to race over to the crossan, but the way(cut 'the way') he kept glancing over at Giln, whose back was to him, he must have been warned ahead of time (cut 'ahead of time') to stay back with Sheleck. Zurn grinned at Sheleck, whose tan shirt was unbuttoned, exposing a white bandage the doctor must have wrapped a half-dozen times, or so, around his chest. There was a dull, dark circle on the bandage near his left nipple.
"Was your journey productive?" Giln asked Klasco in a soft voice.
Klasco smiled. "Productive of what?"
"Well ... I mean ..." he glanced furtively, left and right.
"We have the papers," Klasco said, keeping his voice down, too.
Giln's eyes filled. He clasped his hands over his mouth and looked down. His breath caught in his throat. When he looked up his eyes were red and he pulled his fingers across his cheeks, wiping the wetness on his trousers. He sniffed. "Thank you, sir--Thank you. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't give him any hope." In the brief silence that ensued, I thought he would weep again. A brief silence ensued, and I thought he would weep again. "It would break his heart to stay behind. It would break mine and Sheleck's to leave him. After all, he is our brother."
Klasco looked over at me and then back to Giln. "We understand brotherhood."
Giln made some kind of movement of his hand behind his back. Sheleck saw it and a full grin spread across his face. They must have planned the signal. Zurn was oblivious of it all, intent on watching every movement of the gray mare, who was just now nuzzling the Chestnut's nose. (Consider tightening. Perhaps: 'Zurn, oblivious of it all, stood watching the gray mare nuzzling the Chestnut's nose.' He pointed and giggled again.
#
Klasco settled--after some good-natured dickering--on a fair amount to pay Klynch to board the crossans and he left to secure our room. I accompanied the brothers and Zurn to have a drink at the Tavern. I explained that Klasco had driven the wagon the entire journey and was looking forward to a nap before dinner. Before all this, Klasco had told me he would make arrangements with the Innkeeper, who in turn would inform the tavern maidens that the tally for the drinks and any food was to be added to the room cost. (Wordiness. Consider tightening. Perhaps:
'Before all this, Klasco told me he would make arrangements with the Innkeeper, to add the cost of any food to the room cost.'
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you so much, Norbanus for your meaty review. I paste all the review offering suggestions into a folder for the chapter in question and use them for an edit when Book I is completed. You've given me a lot to mull over. And, it's appreciated.
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid using saw, smelled, felt, or heard.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
There should be spaces between the dots in ellipsis.
"Well. . . I mean. . . ." He glanced furtively left and right.
Try running this through a grammar checker.
Klasco settled. . . I accompanied. . . do not cap T in tavern unless it is a proper noun like The Ghost Tavern.
I knew. . . delete and begin with It was. . .
Delete down after sat.
Good chapter. Just needs a bit of tweaking.
Karlene
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Try to avoid using saw, smelled, felt, or heard.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
There should be spaces between the dots in ellipsis.
"Well. . . I mean. . . ." He glanced furtively left and right.
Try running this through a grammar checker.
Klasco settled. . . I accompanied. . . do not cap T in tavern unless it is a proper noun like The Ghost Tavern.
I knew. . . delete and begin with It was. . .
Delete down after sat.
Good chapter. Just needs a bit of tweaking.
Karlene
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Karlene, for your close read.
Comment from Tina McKala
Wow, an intriguing ending. I wonder what's going to happen, I somehow don't have a good feeling. Klasco's up to something.
This was a very good characterization of the three "brothers" You do a great job especially with Zurn - I can totally see him. It's as if he sat beside me and I observed him.
The suggestion below are just what they are - suggestion, when I reworded something it was only to express my ideas better - feel free to drop anything you don't agree with. It seems like a long list, but there is nothing major there.
I saw that he wanted to race over to the crossan // How did he see it? What was Zurn doing that made Doctrex think he wanted to run to the horse? Show us his expression, movements so we can imagine him and come to the same conclusion as Doctrex, because only giggling is not enough for me in this case.
time to stay back with Sheleck. Zurn grinned at Sheleck, // consider rewording the waz zou wouldn§t have to repeat Sheleck's name (something like ...to stay back. Zurn grinned at Scheleck standing by his side... - just to give you an idea)
I shared glances with Giln and Sheleck.
Sheleck shook his head. "They! /// This made me think - what kind of glances? Questioning? What was Doctrex's inner reaction? Was he surprised? Didn't he understand Zurn's comment? It doesn't come clear from the line above and then Sheleck's reaction confused me a little. And again - repetition of Sheleck's name. Maybe consider joining the sentences into one - e.g. I shared glances with G. and S. when the latter shook his head. (why was he actually shaking his head? Because doctrex looked at him in an accusatory way?)
Zurn sat up, squared his shoulders. "I will?" he said. // you can drop "he said" - it's obvious
After a few swallows of ale around the table, I figured it was time to find out how I would fit into their plans by being a travel companion during our journey to the enlistment camp. Soon enough they were going to find out I would be leading them into battle as their general. The title of general didn't fit well with me yet. I wasn't sure it ever would. Where was the persona that had invaded my body at the Council and won me the position? Where was the confidence, now, that she instilled me with then? "Have you said your goodbyes to your family yet? We'll be gone a long time."
/// I love this paragraph, but I think you should exchange the order of his contemplating about the odd inner voice who changed his personality during the interview and his decision to ask his new companions about their plans - this way when he asked the question I was so drown in his inner thoughts that I forgot what he wanted to ask, and so I had to go back and double check -> I think the flow would be better if you exchanged the order of his thoughts - I swallowed the ale, watching the three men around me enjoy theirs? Soon enough I would be leading them into battle as their general. The title didn't fit well with me yet. I wasn't sure it ever would. His italicized thoughts. Nevertheless, it had been already decided, and soon they would find it out. But before that I wanted to know how I would fit into their plans by being a travel companion during our journey to the enlistment camp. It was time. "Have you said your goodbyes to your family yet? We'll be gone a long time." /// this is just to give you an idea - I don't want to write the story, just thought I would try to reword to see whether it works this way, it's up to you to decide and write your own version.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Wow, an intriguing ending. I wonder what's going to happen, I somehow don't have a good feeling. Klasco's up to something.
This was a very good characterization of the three "brothers" You do a great job especially with Zurn - I can totally see him. It's as if he sat beside me and I observed him.
The suggestion below are just what they are - suggestion, when I reworded something it was only to express my ideas better - feel free to drop anything you don't agree with. It seems like a long list, but there is nothing major there.
I saw that he wanted to race over to the crossan // How did he see it? What was Zurn doing that made Doctrex think he wanted to run to the horse? Show us his expression, movements so we can imagine him and come to the same conclusion as Doctrex, because only giggling is not enough for me in this case.
time to stay back with Sheleck. Zurn grinned at Sheleck, // consider rewording the waz zou wouldn§t have to repeat Sheleck's name (something like ...to stay back. Zurn grinned at Scheleck standing by his side... - just to give you an idea)
I shared glances with Giln and Sheleck.
Sheleck shook his head. "They! /// This made me think - what kind of glances? Questioning? What was Doctrex's inner reaction? Was he surprised? Didn't he understand Zurn's comment? It doesn't come clear from the line above and then Sheleck's reaction confused me a little. And again - repetition of Sheleck's name. Maybe consider joining the sentences into one - e.g. I shared glances with G. and S. when the latter shook his head. (why was he actually shaking his head? Because doctrex looked at him in an accusatory way?)
Zurn sat up, squared his shoulders. "I will?" he said. // you can drop "he said" - it's obvious
After a few swallows of ale around the table, I figured it was time to find out how I would fit into their plans by being a travel companion during our journey to the enlistment camp. Soon enough they were going to find out I would be leading them into battle as their general. The title of general didn't fit well with me yet. I wasn't sure it ever would. Where was the persona that had invaded my body at the Council and won me the position? Where was the confidence, now, that she instilled me with then? "Have you said your goodbyes to your family yet? We'll be gone a long time."
/// I love this paragraph, but I think you should exchange the order of his contemplating about the odd inner voice who changed his personality during the interview and his decision to ask his new companions about their plans - this way when he asked the question I was so drown in his inner thoughts that I forgot what he wanted to ask, and so I had to go back and double check -> I think the flow would be better if you exchanged the order of his thoughts - I swallowed the ale, watching the three men around me enjoy theirs? Soon enough I would be leading them into battle as their general. The title didn't fit well with me yet. I wasn't sure it ever would. His italicized thoughts. Nevertheless, it had been already decided, and soon they would find it out. But before that I wanted to know how I would fit into their plans by being a travel companion during our journey to the enlistment camp. It was time. "Have you said your goodbyes to your family yet? We'll be gone a long time." /// this is just to give you an idea - I don't want to write the story, just thought I would try to reword to see whether it works this way, it's up to you to decide and write your own version.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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"It's as if he sat beside me and I observed him." You couldn't have said anything to tickle me more! Thanks, Tina. Oh, and don't you ever apologize for helping me improve my text. I can make some of the stupidest mistakes. I'm too close to it. That said ... there is validation in just about everything you said, except: consider rewording "the waz zou wouldn§t". I'm so partial to that wording! By the way, I will be editing this chapter as part of a total editing of Book I (ending chapter 27) The only changes I'm making are nits that make for difficult reading unless I change them. I have a horror of thinking that critters who put their hearts and souls into their crits might say, "What's the use? He doesn't listen anyway! Everything goes through my mill. Again, a very special thanks to you, Tina.
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the waz zou wouldn§t - oh my god, facepalm - that wants to be - the way you woudn't
when i read you, i copy paste the text into a word - so I can read it at work without being on the internet - I write a review into the MS Word, but sometimes I forget to switch it all (the keyboard and the Word) to English, so when I past it in here, it creates the weird symbols and y and z are the other way. my bad. so sorry for that! :)
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
This flows, as usual, and the character interaction is clear. You show the kindness in your characters by the way the treat Zurn.
Here a few more comments and suggestions:
--Zurn giggled with enjoyment from the doorway.
>>From the doorway, Zurn giggled with enjoyment. <<
--"Was your journey productive?" Giln asked Klasco in a soft voice.
>>"Was your journey productive?" Giln asked Klasco, in a soft voice.<<
--When he looked up his eyes were red and he pulled his fingers across his cheeks,
>>When he looked up, his eyes were red, and he pulled his fingers across his cheeks, <<
--"I wish Klasco could be here with us," Giln said, as he pulled up a chair.
>>This confused me for a moment. Then I realized that he meant the tavern. But maybe you wish to look into wording it differently. Maybe it's just late and I'm a bit tired.
--"We're gonna kill them right there, aren't we Sheleck?" Zurn said.
>>"We're gonna kill them right there, aren't we, Sheleck?" Zurn said.<<
--Giln raised a hand for the maiden who came over and retrieved his and Sheleck's tankards.
>.Giln raised a hand for the maiden, who came over and retrieved his and Sheleck's tankards. <<
--of the wagons and join together at the camp, but as it turned out yours was the only wagon so far.
>.of the wagons and join together at the camp, but as it turned out, yours was the only wagon so far. <<
--If one doesn't come before we sleep then my father will take us."
>>If one doesn't come before we sleep, then my father will take us."<<
--Helooo Klynch!
>>?? Is this supposed to be Hello as in Hellooo? Or is it a name?
Good way to end this ... promising new action and a mystery.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2014
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Hi Jay,
This flows, as usual, and the character interaction is clear. You show the kindness in your characters by the way the treat Zurn.
Here a few more comments and suggestions:
--Zurn giggled with enjoyment from the doorway.
>>From the doorway, Zurn giggled with enjoyment. <<
--"Was your journey productive?" Giln asked Klasco in a soft voice.
>>"Was your journey productive?" Giln asked Klasco, in a soft voice.<<
--When he looked up his eyes were red and he pulled his fingers across his cheeks,
>>When he looked up, his eyes were red, and he pulled his fingers across his cheeks, <<
--"I wish Klasco could be here with us," Giln said, as he pulled up a chair.
>>This confused me for a moment. Then I realized that he meant the tavern. But maybe you wish to look into wording it differently. Maybe it's just late and I'm a bit tired.
--"We're gonna kill them right there, aren't we Sheleck?" Zurn said.
>>"We're gonna kill them right there, aren't we, Sheleck?" Zurn said.<<
--Giln raised a hand for the maiden who came over and retrieved his and Sheleck's tankards.
>.Giln raised a hand for the maiden, who came over and retrieved his and Sheleck's tankards. <<
--of the wagons and join together at the camp, but as it turned out yours was the only wagon so far.
>.of the wagons and join together at the camp, but as it turned out, yours was the only wagon so far. <<
--If one doesn't come before we sleep then my father will take us."
>>If one doesn't come before we sleep, then my father will take us."<<
--Helooo Klynch!
>>?? Is this supposed to be Hello as in Hellooo? Or is it a name?
Good way to end this ... promising new action and a mystery.
Comment Written 08-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2014
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All good, all pertinent. Thank you again, Leo. I don't know why I used Hellooo. It's kinda lame. I'll stick with Hello. I like the reversing of the first sentence: From the doorway, Zurn giggled with enjoyment. I'll tend to these during the BIG EDIT. Thanks, though.
Comment from dreamin'
Well isn't Klasco the generous soul! I assume he's put together a wagon and crossans for the journey.
"Oh, yes," Sheleck said. "It was a tearful time, but that's now behind us."
"It was before we met you here," Giln added. (I'm not sure this needs to be here. Sheleck already said it was a tearful time...behind us, and that indicates it already happened. Something to think about.)
"Won't it be a hardship, not having you there?" I think this would be a good direct response to Sheleck.
As always, thanks for a good read.
Debbie
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2014
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Well isn't Klasco the generous soul! I assume he's put together a wagon and crossans for the journey.
"Oh, yes," Sheleck said. "It was a tearful time, but that's now behind us."
"It was before we met you here," Giln added. (I'm not sure this needs to be here. Sheleck already said it was a tearful time...behind us, and that indicates it already happened. Something to think about.)
"Won't it be a hardship, not having you there?" I think this would be a good direct response to Sheleck.
As always, thanks for a good read.
Debbie
Comment Written 08-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Debbie. As always. I think I agree with you on the superfluous information. I'll be adding your suggestions to the critique folder for this chapter and make all the necessary changes after the post drops. I just want you to know how appreciative I am of your close read.
Comment from Liandra
Doctrex has come a long way, and now he's a general and will lead his men into battle! I don't think he believes it himself.
I loved this sentence: ..."Kind sirs," holding his chest with one hand and flattening his palm and the weight of that side of his body down on the tabletop as he huffed and caught his breath.
Very visual. You have a wonderful way of describing their actions. I guess a lot like watching a movie.
Look forward to the next chapter.
Hugs,
Liandra
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2014
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Doctrex has come a long way, and now he's a general and will lead his men into battle! I don't think he believes it himself.
I loved this sentence: ..."Kind sirs," holding his chest with one hand and flattening his palm and the weight of that side of his body down on the tabletop as he huffed and caught his breath.
Very visual. You have a wonderful way of describing their actions. I guess a lot like watching a movie.
Look forward to the next chapter.
Hugs,
Liandra
Comment Written 08-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2014
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You have a good way of puffing up a writer's ego *don't stop* with your kind words, about being a lot like watching a movie.
Comment from adewpearl
as soon as he recognized your crossans, - add comma
gasping furtively, smiling, clasping hands over his mouth, baffled looks - lots of good instances of non-verbal communication that enhances the spoken conversation
excellent dialogue as well
Brooke
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2014
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as soon as he recognized your crossans, - add comma
gasping furtively, smiling, clasping hands over his mouth, baffled looks - lots of good instances of non-verbal communication that enhances the spoken conversation
excellent dialogue as well
Brooke
Comment Written 07-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2014
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Thank you so much, Brooke. I'll take care of the crossans comma right away. And I do appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay I see that you got great reviews
I agree with what they all said
I'm with them. What I like are the different charters in your novel
Why do I get the impression some folks don't like Zum?
Gert
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2014
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Hello Jay I see that you got great reviews
I agree with what they all said
I'm with them. What I like are the different charters in your novel
Why do I get the impression some folks don't like Zum?
Gert
Comment Written 07-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Gert. Yeah, a lot of people took advantage of his slowness. Appreciate your reading it.
Jay
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You are welcome Jay
Gert
Comment from Writingfundimension
I especially enjoyed the rousing attempt to build Zurn's confidence. I have a feeling this is a bit of foreshadowing. The dialogue, as always Jay, is really first rate throughout this chapter. Well done, indeed! :) Bev
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2014
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I especially enjoyed the rousing attempt to build Zurn's confidence. I have a feeling this is a bit of foreshadowing. The dialogue, as always Jay, is really first rate throughout this chapter. Well done, indeed! :) Bev
Comment Written 07-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Bev. Yeah, Zurn plays a significant role much later in the novel. Hope you're here to watch every bit of it unfold.
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I'll do my best, Jay. I'm enjoying the adventures, for sure! :)