The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "KLASCO'S BIG SURPRISE"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
14 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
An impressive gift--or burden if you take into account Doctrex's lack of experience and the cost of feed and care. A light, entertaining chapter before they get to the camp and the business of war.
Nits/suggestions:
The glare from outside was dazzling, in contrast with the dimly lit tavern we had been in.
--Delete 'we had been in, and maybe the comma too.
"Then, I think you'll like this," he (Klasco) said, and he motioned toward the stable.
--Just to be clear which 'he' with there being so many of them.
"Yes(,) it is," said Klasco.
Gentlemen," he continued, "Do(do) you mind if Zurn chooses his crossan first.(?)"
It was soon to come. "Yes! Yes!"
--Should be "No! No!" (ie. No, they don't mind.)
He is older and needs to choose one that is of a gentler disposition
--Made me laugh :)
Wonderful, I thought. Just what I need, spirit!
--Take out 'I thought'?
"Giln and Sheleck, before you join Zurn and get to know your crossans
--add a tag to clarify who's speaking.
Reaching (As I reached) up my free hand to touch the(its, or 'the crossan's') face, the crossan suddenly threw
her eyes(,) the color of warm fudge, were large rimmed in white.
--Move large to before 'eyes'?
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2014
  |
An impressive gift--or burden if you take into account Doctrex's lack of experience and the cost of feed and care. A light, entertaining chapter before they get to the camp and the business of war.
Nits/suggestions:
The glare from outside was dazzling, in contrast with the dimly lit tavern we had been in.
--Delete 'we had been in, and maybe the comma too.
"Then, I think you'll like this," he (Klasco) said, and he motioned toward the stable.
--Just to be clear which 'he' with there being so many of them.
"Yes(,) it is," said Klasco.
Gentlemen," he continued, "Do(do) you mind if Zurn chooses his crossan first.(?)"
It was soon to come. "Yes! Yes!"
--Should be "No! No!" (ie. No, they don't mind.)
He is older and needs to choose one that is of a gentler disposition
--Made me laugh :)
Wonderful, I thought. Just what I need, spirit!
--Take out 'I thought'?
"Giln and Sheleck, before you join Zurn and get to know your crossans
--add a tag to clarify who's speaking.
Reaching (As I reached) up my free hand to touch the(its, or 'the crossan's') face, the crossan suddenly threw
her eyes(,) the color of warm fudge, were large rimmed in white.
--Move large to before 'eyes'?
Comment Written 04-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2014
-
You struck gold, Alex. Well, actually you didn't. I did! Thanks for your close reading. I went back and changed the "yes! yes" to "Do it. Yes!"
Comment from JB Lynn
Naturally, I loved the part about the crossans (your world's version of a horse). It seems Doctrex is making a lot of important allies. It will be interesting to see how all these men respond when they find out who this guy really is.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
|
Naturally, I loved the part about the crossans (your world's version of a horse). It seems Doctrex is making a lot of important allies. It will be interesting to see how all these men respond when they find out who this guy really is.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
-
I can see you'd be partial to the crossans. I do kind of build toward a big reveal. We'll see!
Comment from Writingfundimension
I'm a horse lover from afar. I don't ride them, just admire them. So, I especially enjoyed all the details of how each animal was chosen. I think Doctrex is going to have a rough ride to the Camp. As always, beautifully written, Jay.
Warm regards, Bev
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
|
I'm a horse lover from afar. I don't ride them, just admire them. So, I especially enjoyed all the details of how each animal was chosen. I think Doctrex is going to have a rough ride to the Camp. As always, beautifully written, Jay.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
-
I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter, Bev. Yes, I have a few surprises for you in the coming chapters. I just hope the reader doesn't discover what a fraud I am about crossans and horses.
-
I only know enough to be dangerous about a lots of things, Jay, including horses. HA! You'll easily be able to fool me. :)
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. Ah, for the love of a horse. I have ridden all my life, when the bond is there, it is better than chocolate. I like the sensitivity in this chapter. A view into the softer side of the men.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
|
Hi. Ah, for the love of a horse. I have ridden all my life, when the bond is there, it is better than chocolate. I like the sensitivity in this chapter. A view into the softer side of the men.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
-
I know nothing about horses (or crossans) Thank goodness for Google serarch. I researched everything there. Strangely they had nothing about crossans ... Thank you, and anything you read about crossans that isn't correctly horsey let me know.
-
Ok...I will.:-)
Comment from GWHARGIS
I loved the tender scene where Zurn got his crossan. The way he nuzzled the creature and chose his was very touching. I could see it happening with your wonderful details. Great job.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
|
I loved the tender scene where Zurn got his crossan. The way he nuzzled the creature and chose his was very touching. I could see it happening with your wonderful details. Great job.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
-
Thank you Gretchen. You are my touchpoint for relationships. I love it when YOU tell me something about my characters' interactions.
Comment from poetbear
Like the ideas and the characters.
Out of the box and creative writing and thinking.
You make the reader and writer think and that is what intrigues me the most.
Great plot and ideas.
Reads well and captures the reader.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
|
Like the ideas and the characters.
Out of the box and creative writing and thinking.
You make the reader and writer think and that is what intrigues me the most.
Great plot and ideas.
Reads well and captures the reader.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
-
Thanks, Maddy. Glad you could drop back by and read the latest chapter.
Comment from A Matter Of Words
I am such a girl!!! This chapter warms me for so many reasons. It gives these men such heart - not for deception or subterfuge, but a soft, gracious heart. It illustrates the bond strengthening between brothers. Very nice.
Crossans would have been the best gift in the whole world for Zurn to receive. I had asked my dad for a horse since I was 7. I gave up by the time I was 17. A horse I was working with was put up for sale and I struck a bargin with the owner to have 5 months to save for it. My sister found out and asked my dad. H he bought it for her. I was crushed.
There, there, there, there,["] I said, ["] shhhhh...
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
|
I am such a girl!!! This chapter warms me for so many reasons. It gives these men such heart - not for deception or subterfuge, but a soft, gracious heart. It illustrates the bond strengthening between brothers. Very nice.
Crossans would have been the best gift in the whole world for Zurn to receive. I had asked my dad for a horse since I was 7. I gave up by the time I was 17. A horse I was working with was put up for sale and I struck a bargin with the owner to have 5 months to save for it. My sister found out and asked my dad. H he bought it for her. I was crushed.
There, there, there, there,["] I said, ["] shhhhh...
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
-
That is so sad about what your dad did! Thanks, Stephanie, for picking up on the relationships between the brothers. Glad it seems real to you.
-
You're welcome, Jay. Dad is dad. What more can I say? Have a great day...Stephanie
Comment from Tina McKala
So I was wrong about Klasco - he was up to something good, not bad :)
I loved Zurn's reaction - it was wonderful to watch him as his dream came true. I also love the way the others treat him - he's one lucky guy to have such "brothers"
you made me laugh when you described Doctrex's "excitement" about having the most spirited mare lol - that was great!
and now I hope he's a natural born talent when it comes to crossans and he and his Sorrel will make for a great team.
I also wonder how and when will he reveal his "promotion" to the three brothers and what their reaction will be.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
|
So I was wrong about Klasco - he was up to something good, not bad :)
I loved Zurn's reaction - it was wonderful to watch him as his dream came true. I also love the way the others treat him - he's one lucky guy to have such "brothers"
you made me laugh when you described Doctrex's "excitement" about having the most spirited mare lol - that was great!
and now I hope he's a natural born talent when it comes to crossans and he and his Sorrel will make for a great team.
I also wonder how and when will he reveal his "promotion" to the three brothers and what their reaction will be.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
-
Thanks, Tina. God, I'm so happy to have you as part of my readership. You pick up on so much that I am hoping the reader will feel -- including the humor. Nothing worse than a joke no one gets! I promise all will be answered ... I hope in an entertaining way!
Comment from Liandra
The Crossans appear powerful and noble. As with most horses, they have a wonderful sense of picking up on emotions and attitude. They pick up on fear and respond to that fear with pricked ears, nostrils flaring and snorting.
My mare was very touchy but once horse and rider get to know each other and trust, then the horse will defend its master. I was knocked down by a friends palomino, my September charged him, head down, and came to a skidding halt near me. The palomino galloped to the far end of the paddock. September then lowered her head and nudged and sniffed at me. I burst into tears, I realised then that a bond with a horse can never be broken. From then on I knew we were as one when on a ride and I would always be safe.
Just a bit of sentimental history.
I think that this scenario is the kind of bond that will develop between Doctrex and his crosson in the future.
I can't wait to see how he learns to get to know her. She sounds fiery, but underneath there's a touch of 'lot's of love and trust for the right person,' just like my September.
Hugs,
Liandra
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
 |
The Crossans appear powerful and noble. As with most horses, they have a wonderful sense of picking up on emotions and attitude. They pick up on fear and respond to that fear with pricked ears, nostrils flaring and snorting.
My mare was very touchy but once horse and rider get to know each other and trust, then the horse will defend its master. I was knocked down by a friends palomino, my September charged him, head down, and came to a skidding halt near me. The palomino galloped to the far end of the paddock. September then lowered her head and nudged and sniffed at me. I burst into tears, I realised then that a bond with a horse can never be broken. From then on I knew we were as one when on a ride and I would always be safe.
Just a bit of sentimental history.
I think that this scenario is the kind of bond that will develop between Doctrex and his crosson in the future.
I can't wait to see how he learns to get to know her. She sounds fiery, but underneath there's a touch of 'lot's of love and trust for the right person,' just like my September.
Hugs,
Liandra
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
-
I can't wait until you read the forthcoming chapters. It's the spiritual bonding I focus on. It may turn off others but I think you'll relate to it. Thank you for your experiences with September. I don't know which end of the horse you feed, so I was dependent on Google.
-
Anything you need to know about horses and their individual temperaments, let me know. If I can be of help, I'll do so gladly.
hugs,
Liandra
-
Thank you, Liandra. I would imagine, since it's already written, if anything just isn't right it'll stick out like a sore crossan! But, you bet. I'm expecting it, LOL.
Comment from Leonardo Wild
And another one!
As I read through it, I was thinking that I was having a bit of a hard time visualizing the brothers and the different characters. You can certainly skim over descriptions, but if you do, consider giving them each a behavioral pattern that's distinct, like Zurn's. Still, maybe you can add a sentence or two to bring the individuals out. They are a group, but not really separate characters. It doesn't take much to do this, but I do feel it's probably necessary.
Otherwise, the text flowed, it was clear what the point of it all was, and Doctrex's uncertainty about dealing with these animals.
Some suggestions:
--"Do you mind if Zurn chooses his crossan first."
>>"Do you mind if Zurn chooses his crossan first?"<<
--"Shall we draw straws to see who is the next to choose," asked Klasco.
>>"Shall we draw straws to see who is the next to choose?" asked Klasco.<<
--"Brother," I said, "At the risk of being rude,
>>"Brother," I said, "at the risk of being rude, <<
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
|
And another one!
As I read through it, I was thinking that I was having a bit of a hard time visualizing the brothers and the different characters. You can certainly skim over descriptions, but if you do, consider giving them each a behavioral pattern that's distinct, like Zurn's. Still, maybe you can add a sentence or two to bring the individuals out. They are a group, but not really separate characters. It doesn't take much to do this, but I do feel it's probably necessary.
Otherwise, the text flowed, it was clear what the point of it all was, and Doctrex's uncertainty about dealing with these animals.
Some suggestions:
--"Do you mind if Zurn chooses his crossan first."
>>"Do you mind if Zurn chooses his crossan first?"<<
--"Shall we draw straws to see who is the next to choose," asked Klasco.
>>"Shall we draw straws to see who is the next to choose?" asked Klasco.<<
--"Brother," I said, "At the risk of being rude,
>>"Brother," I said, "at the risk of being rude, <<
Comment Written 08-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
-
Thanks, Leo. I don't know where you find the nits. I go over it so carefully. About the visualizing the brothers, I see what you mean. I'll mull that over.