The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "THE VISITOR"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
18 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
Have a virtual six on me. This was an excellent chapter. Axtilla's arrival was a surprise, but her explanation seemed so rational I didn't expect it to end up being a dream. Very emotional, fast flowing opening scene.
And Klasco gave him credits so the crossans won't be a burden after all. His own vision was also unexpected an adds another, more personal, dimension to the story.
Nits/Suggestions:
Pulling her hand away, she smiled and motioned for me to follow her.
--delete second 'her'?
She turned her back to me(,) allowing me to
It was my heartbeat, though, that I was afraid would awaken Klasco.
--I like this. Different way to get in a raised heartbeat.
Her mouth opened to receive mine.
--Description in this paragraph is good. Has a good rhythm to it too. It just felt like there was one too many sentences starting with 'her' right at the end. Maybe, something as simple as starting a new para right after the above sentence would work to break it up?
abandoned to my fate that I'd never see you again.
--Any way to kill the 'that', it adds a stutter to an otherwise fast flowing scene.
I felt the tears trailing from either corner of my eyes
--Perhaps just 'the corners of my eyes'?
He was studying me, looking from one eye to the other."
--stray quote at the end.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2014
  |
Have a virtual six on me. This was an excellent chapter. Axtilla's arrival was a surprise, but her explanation seemed so rational I didn't expect it to end up being a dream. Very emotional, fast flowing opening scene.
And Klasco gave him credits so the crossans won't be a burden after all. His own vision was also unexpected an adds another, more personal, dimension to the story.
Nits/Suggestions:
Pulling her hand away, she smiled and motioned for me to follow her.
--delete second 'her'?
She turned her back to me(,) allowing me to
It was my heartbeat, though, that I was afraid would awaken Klasco.
--I like this. Different way to get in a raised heartbeat.
Her mouth opened to receive mine.
--Description in this paragraph is good. Has a good rhythm to it too. It just felt like there was one too many sentences starting with 'her' right at the end. Maybe, something as simple as starting a new para right after the above sentence would work to break it up?
abandoned to my fate that I'd never see you again.
--Any way to kill the 'that', it adds a stutter to an otherwise fast flowing scene.
I felt the tears trailing from either corner of my eyes
--Perhaps just 'the corners of my eyes'?
He was studying me, looking from one eye to the other."
--stray quote at the end.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2014
-
Some GOOD advise and suggestions here, Alex. I'm so happy you're really into this story--enough to read the past chapters. Any time the burden gets too heavy for you, you know I feel so gratified with what you've done already. You've strengthened my story in many, many ways.
Comment from Tina McKala
this was a wonderful chapter. at first I was so happy to see Axtilla with him, and then I woke up with him :/ it's great the way you connected tehir dreams. That made me think maybe Ruether is playing with hteir minds and directs them both to him. Hmmm, this story has so many twists and mysteries. Love it! I hope I will manage to read the rest soon, by the end of this week. Please, don't think that I don't read because I don't like it. I do and it's very entertaining and interesting. I just have some crazy days this month. :/
A warm pressure on my lips. My eyes snapped open. // consider joining these two sentences together. somehow they didn't flow well for me.
and led me, half dragging me, down the hallway to the door leading outside. She thrust open the door // repetition of lead (led - leading) and door
But, why [was] I [was] left with only this useless cruelty? // typo with "was"
He wants you to be reckless! You mustn't be reckless!"
// this is a great line!
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
|
this was a wonderful chapter. at first I was so happy to see Axtilla with him, and then I woke up with him :/ it's great the way you connected tehir dreams. That made me think maybe Ruether is playing with hteir minds and directs them both to him. Hmmm, this story has so many twists and mysteries. Love it! I hope I will manage to read the rest soon, by the end of this week. Please, don't think that I don't read because I don't like it. I do and it's very entertaining and interesting. I just have some crazy days this month. :/
A warm pressure on my lips. My eyes snapped open. // consider joining these two sentences together. somehow they didn't flow well for me.
and led me, half dragging me, down the hallway to the door leading outside. She thrust open the door // repetition of lead (led - leading) and door
But, why [was] I [was] left with only this useless cruelty? // typo with "was"
He wants you to be reckless! You mustn't be reckless!"
// this is a great line!
Comment Written 26-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2014
-
Oh, it's so good to have you back, Tina. I missed your sage point of view on my chapters. And your spag catch! I just took care of the wandering "was". Those are the only changes (nits, spag) I make currently. The other kinds of changes I make in a final edit. Things I need to mull over. Thank you so much!
Comment from Ritsal
Sorry to get so behind in reviewing your novel. I will try to catcH up over the next few days. I was hoping Doctex and Axtilla had finally connected. The chapter is well written and I look forward to reading the rest.
Best wishes,
Rita
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
|
Sorry to get so behind in reviewing your novel. I will try to catcH up over the next few days. I was hoping Doctex and Axtilla had finally connected. The chapter is well written and I look forward to reading the rest.
Best wishes,
Rita
Comment Written 15-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
-
Well, I was hoping the reader would have that same hope of the two connecting. But the time isn't ripe yet. So glad to have you back aboard, Rita.
Comment from dreamin'
"with each intake of air his throat made a tiny popping sound." Very descriptive. I actually stopped reading to imagine and could actually hear it!
You fooled me, Jay! I was about to rake you over the coals for having Axtilla say things like "Darling, and my love" when they should not exist in her vocabulary. To have it be a dream was perfect. To have the dream seem so real, was very well done.
Great suspense in the end. I sure hope Doc doesn't get reckless! :)
Thanks,
Debbie
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2014
|
"with each intake of air his throat made a tiny popping sound." Very descriptive. I actually stopped reading to imagine and could actually hear it!
You fooled me, Jay! I was about to rake you over the coals for having Axtilla say things like "Darling, and my love" when they should not exist in her vocabulary. To have it be a dream was perfect. To have the dream seem so real, was very well done.
Great suspense in the end. I sure hope Doc doesn't get reckless! :)
Thanks,
Debbie
Comment Written 14-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2014
-
You're movin' backwards. I thought you'd already reviewed this chapter. So happy you did, though. By the way, no one ever mentioned the first clue that Doctrex had that it was a dream being that it was dark outside. I'm only asking if you caught that, because if you didn't then it supports my feeling that I need to reference in previous chapters that they are in their 5 year daytime cycle. So, please let me know.
-
No, I'm just behind in my reading. I did catch the fact that it was dark! It had me wondering if the cycle from light to dark had changed that fast. But when Axtilla morphed into something else with the male voice, I immediately got caught up in that. If my say holds any weight, I think you're fine with the 'dark' issue. :)
-
Oh, good! Thanks.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi Jay the way you wrote about Doctrex in his dream when he was with Axtilla to me was very realistic.
Great scene when Klasco is getting to leave ( and it looks like Doctrex plans to do the same Leave) along with the the Profue brothers.
(Am I right saying the (the Profue brothers)
Now to read the next chapter and sse what is going to happen Next?
Gert
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014
|
Hi Jay the way you wrote about Doctrex in his dream when he was with Axtilla to me was very realistic.
Great scene when Klasco is getting to leave ( and it looks like Doctrex plans to do the same Leave) along with the the Profue brothers.
(Am I right saying the (the Profue brothers)
Now to read the next chapter and sse what is going to happen Next?
Gert
Comment Written 12-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014
-
Thanks, Gert. Yes, the Profue brothers. Hope you feel better soon.
-
You are welcome
Me to Doctors ell me 12 to 18 months
Gert
Comment from Walter L. Jones
memory time, beyond shadow, chain of command, can not ride, does he know, importance, edges in gifts, political stop, weave and deceive, got your back, you added a smile, violent death, best day you can find..Walt
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
|
memory time, beyond shadow, chain of command, can not ride, does he know, importance, edges in gifts, political stop, weave and deceive, got your back, you added a smile, violent death, best day you can find..Walt
Comment Written 11-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
-
Hey, Walt, thanks once more for reading and stringing out your poetic impressions. I just hope "violent death" was not a closing message for me! Lol, thanks, friend.
Comment from Liandra
Oh! This is really heating up now! I love where this is going. The moments with Axtilla in his 'dream,' or maybe not so much a dream, but a movement in the realms between existences, were exquisite to say the least. They have a very powerful connection, I hope it's not an illusion created by Pomnots.
Can't wait for the next chapter,
Hugs,
Liandra
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
|
Oh! This is really heating up now! I love where this is going. The moments with Axtilla in his 'dream,' or maybe not so much a dream, but a movement in the realms between existences, were exquisite to say the least. They have a very powerful connection, I hope it's not an illusion created by Pomnots.
Can't wait for the next chapter,
Hugs,
Liandra
Comment Written 11-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
-
I like that "movement in the realms between existences." Keep that thought in mind. Or not. Thanks for your steady support, Liandra!
Jay
-
I enjoy reading this amazing story and always happy to be of assistance.
hugs'
Liandra
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I dropped out for a while but I have caught up again with the story now. I like the way you have involved the three brothers and developed those characters into friends with their special strengths to go along on the trip. I'm really looking forward to more, Giddy
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
|
I dropped out for a while but I have caught up again with the story now. I like the way you have involved the three brothers and developed those characters into friends with their special strengths to go along on the trip. I'm really looking forward to more, Giddy
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
-
Welcome back, Giddy. Thanks for visiting again. You are always welcome here.
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
I think you misspelled Visitor to Visiter in the heading of this installment, the one you type in when you put chapter names or numbers.
The part where you go from dream to reality needs a bit more clarity and description, and you may wish to add a few little oddities into the dream part to make it clear, after the fact, that it was indeed a dream. Too realistic, and then there is no transition that makes us wonder what is real and what not. It's just a small thing, but important.
--A warm pressure on my lips. My eyes snapped open. Framed against the planked ceiling, Axtilla gazed down at me.
>>The first two are not sentences, and though these sometimes work, I'm not sure you want to start a chapter like this ... unless this is just the continuation.
--It was my heartbeat, though, that I was afraid would awaken Klasco.
>>heartbeat awaken? Even though I know what you're trying to do, the humor does not fit the context.
--were like a furnace blast against my face
>>overly melodramatic metaphor, I think.
--"That was little Sarisa," she interrupted to tell me.
>>"That was little Sarisa," she interrupted.<<
Obviously, to tell him.
--I could not go back to sleep since the dream,
>>I had not been able to go back to sleep since the dream, <<
--you will need some credits for odds and ends. From his pocket
>>you will need some credits for odds and ends." From his pocket <<
-- from one eye to the other."
>> from one eye to the other.<<
--in my sleep, brother."
>>Brother vs brother, caps or no caps.
--cold shiver invade my body.
>>cold shiver run through my body.<<
--"That he has your love--your Axtilla--there with him."
(I CUT OUT THE RECKLESS PART AS YOU REPEAT IT LATER AND IT'S BETTER PLACED THERE RATHER THAN HERE. LW)
"It was a dream, Klasco! Just a dream." But I felt a cold shiver invade my body.
"It's a vision," he said, summarily. "But the vision was of Glnot Rhuether. He told me about your Axtilla. He wants you to be reckless! You mustn't be reckless!"
>>"That he has your love--your Axtilla--there with him. There ... there is a marriage planned. But, don't you see, he wants you to be reckless!"
"It was a dream, Klasco! Just a dream." But I felt a cold shiver invade my body.
"It's a vision," he said, summarily. "But the vision was of Glnot Rhuether. He told me about your Axtilla. He wants you to be reckless! You mustn't be reckless!"<<
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
|
Hi Jay,
I think you misspelled Visitor to Visiter in the heading of this installment, the one you type in when you put chapter names or numbers.
The part where you go from dream to reality needs a bit more clarity and description, and you may wish to add a few little oddities into the dream part to make it clear, after the fact, that it was indeed a dream. Too realistic, and then there is no transition that makes us wonder what is real and what not. It's just a small thing, but important.
--A warm pressure on my lips. My eyes snapped open. Framed against the planked ceiling, Axtilla gazed down at me.
>>The first two are not sentences, and though these sometimes work, I'm not sure you want to start a chapter like this ... unless this is just the continuation.
--It was my heartbeat, though, that I was afraid would awaken Klasco.
>>heartbeat awaken? Even though I know what you're trying to do, the humor does not fit the context.
--were like a furnace blast against my face
>>overly melodramatic metaphor, I think.
--"That was little Sarisa," she interrupted to tell me.
>>"That was little Sarisa," she interrupted.<<
Obviously, to tell him.
--I could not go back to sleep since the dream,
>>I had not been able to go back to sleep since the dream, <<
--you will need some credits for odds and ends. From his pocket
>>you will need some credits for odds and ends." From his pocket <<
-- from one eye to the other."
>> from one eye to the other.<<
--in my sleep, brother."
>>Brother vs brother, caps or no caps.
--cold shiver invade my body.
>>cold shiver run through my body.<<
--"That he has your love--your Axtilla--there with him."
(I CUT OUT THE RECKLESS PART AS YOU REPEAT IT LATER AND IT'S BETTER PLACED THERE RATHER THAN HERE. LW)
"It was a dream, Klasco! Just a dream." But I felt a cold shiver invade my body.
"It's a vision," he said, summarily. "But the vision was of Glnot Rhuether. He told me about your Axtilla. He wants you to be reckless! You mustn't be reckless!"
>>"That he has your love--your Axtilla--there with him. There ... there is a marriage planned. But, don't you see, he wants you to be reckless!"
"It was a dream, Klasco! Just a dream." But I felt a cold shiver invade my body.
"It's a vision," he said, summarily. "But the vision was of Glnot Rhuether. He told me about your Axtilla. He wants you to be reckless! You mustn't be reckless!"<<
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
-
Thanks, Leo, for the detailed review. As with the others, it will be pasted to my folder for edits. BTW, I already edited chas 1-3 and incorporated a lot of your sage advise. You are an asset!
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. I like the dream. The layers grow. Do not be reckless, save yourself, that is my hope. I think there is now more than evr, the need for him to listen to his insticts, to trust himself. Dreams and visions, no man knows what they mean until the end.
good one, I look forward to the next.
padumachitta
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
|
Hi. I like the dream. The layers grow. Do not be reckless, save yourself, that is my hope. I think there is now more than evr, the need for him to listen to his insticts, to trust himself. Dreams and visions, no man knows what they mean until the end.
good one, I look forward to the next.
padumachitta
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
-
Thanks, padumachitta, for reading and leaving such kind words. Yes, he does need to go within -- as long as it's his voice he is listening to. It's not always easy to tell.