The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "THE MAGIC OF KLASCO'S VISION"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
22 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
Pace is picking up now. Enjoyed the way Klynch told him about crossans. Also like the way he came up with her name, from confusing rain/rein to linking it to her spirit.
Urgency picks up in the second scene when he starts thinking of the dream, and he shows a bit naivety thinking (hoping) Axtilla won't marry because she doesn't want to. Her wants won't come into it if she's trapped.
Nice bit of tension at the end as he wonders how the brothers will react to his rank.
Nits/Suggestions:
You must just be a natural.
--Take out 'just'?
so I would like it if you would show me just that
--Might be better with 'show me everything' to tie it in the later 'Right up to how...'
How do you get him to go?
--She's a 'her'. Bad Doctrex. Accidental slip? (Assuming so, as Klynch never corrected him)
But, now, that peculiar, but powerful magic was working though me.
--Take out the last comma, or maybe the second but. (and squish the first one (haven't been picking them out because you said you know they're there, but as I'm highlighting the sentence, thought I'd say))
on their crossans as comfortable(comfortably?) as any Texas Plains Cowboys would.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2014
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Pace is picking up now. Enjoyed the way Klynch told him about crossans. Also like the way he came up with her name, from confusing rain/rein to linking it to her spirit.
Urgency picks up in the second scene when he starts thinking of the dream, and he shows a bit naivety thinking (hoping) Axtilla won't marry because she doesn't want to. Her wants won't come into it if she's trapped.
Nice bit of tension at the end as he wonders how the brothers will react to his rank.
Nits/Suggestions:
You must just be a natural.
--Take out 'just'?
so I would like it if you would show me just that
--Might be better with 'show me everything' to tie it in the later 'Right up to how...'
How do you get him to go?
--She's a 'her'. Bad Doctrex. Accidental slip? (Assuming so, as Klynch never corrected him)
But, now, that peculiar, but powerful magic was working though me.
--Take out the last comma, or maybe the second but. (and squish the first one (haven't been picking them out because you said you know they're there, but as I'm highlighting the sentence, thought I'd say))
on their crossans as comfortable(comfortably?) as any Texas Plains Cowboys would.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2014
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I took up the one problem of the crossan's sex now because that's an embarrassing mistake:
"But, in the mean time I need to learn as much as I can as quickly as I can before the brothers arrive. I've got a quick mind, Klynch, so just start in. I don't know anything. How do you get him to go? How do you stop him? How do I keep from falling off when he goes too fast? Tell me everything."
"Start with her, sir."
"What?
"She's a her."
"Ah," I chuckled. "That's a good place to start. Tell me everything about her."
He began, and I shut up.
Does that do it? I'll paste the rest to my folder for the final edit.
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Yes, it works. But...Doctrex does refer to her as her in paras 7 and 9. 7 is his internal thoughts so you can probably keep that, but when he calls her 'her' in 9 it reinforces that he knows, so maybe change 'Right up to how I climb on the crossan, how I stop her or get her to turn left or right.' to 'Right up to how I climb on a crossan, how I stop it or get it to turn left or right.' to hint that he hasn't registered her gender properly.
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I took your advise on that. Also, I went back and modified the part after Klynch told him it was a she. I said, "Ah," I chuckled, "I knew that. I just forgot" That replaced "Let's start there." Which really didn't say anything.
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That works.
Comment from Tina McKala
well, the thing that he is antural with crossans is interesting. it makes me wonder whether he really is natural or whether there is the same magic working as it was when he was interviewed by the council. it goes all too easy for him, there must be something :) also his sudden need to control everything. I know he justified it, yet I wonder whether it is really him or not :) very intriguing!
I have no suggestions, very well written chapter!
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014
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well, the thing that he is antural with crossans is interesting. it makes me wonder whether he really is natural or whether there is the same magic working as it was when he was interviewed by the council. it goes all too easy for him, there must be something :) also his sudden need to control everything. I know he justified it, yet I wonder whether it is really him or not :) very intriguing!
I have no suggestions, very well written chapter!
Comment Written 30-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014
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Thanks for reading this, Tina. It's fulfilling that you are getting so involved with Doctrex. I love it, but he is more embarrassed than his position in life will allow him to display.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A well written chapter, my friend. Good detail and your characters are developing well. Interesting storyline. Keep up the good work, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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A well written chapter, my friend. Good detail and your characters are developing well. Interesting storyline. Keep up the good work, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 15-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Debbie. Glad to have your input. You come back again, you heah?
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi Jay
Good chapter.
I get the feeling you know a great deal about horses especially when you wrote how to mount a horse especially if you never rode a horse
By the way I get the feeling the crossan is very gentle
Not like when I tried to get on a horse and bucked me off.
Gert
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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Hi Jay
Good chapter.
I get the feeling you know a great deal about horses especially when you wrote how to mount a horse especially if you never rode a horse
By the way I get the feeling the crossan is very gentle
Not like when I tried to get on a horse and bucked me off.
Gert
Comment Written 15-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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I know nothing about horses, Gert. Wouldn't know which end to feed them from. All I can say is thank goodness for Google. They play such a part in the novel and his confidence and faith, that I needed to make sure it seemed authentic. It does my heart good that you thought I know a great deal about them. Thanks, Gert.
Comment from Kausar_Javeria
Hello there~
Again, this was an interesting read. Lolz, I was reading the chapters by opening two windows at once and commented on the preceding chapter first,.
Anyway, great job writing this amazing book.
God Bless~!
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2014
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Hello there~
Again, this was an interesting read. Lolz, I was reading the chapters by opening two windows at once and commented on the preceding chapter first,.
Anyway, great job writing this amazing book.
God Bless~!
Comment Written 15-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Javeria. I'm happy you enjoyed the read.
Comment from GWHARGIS
This seemed to be a build up chapter to whatever comes next. I liked the conversation between the man with the crossan and Doctorex. It gives me more clues to Doctorex past. It will be interesting to see how the boys take him as a commander. Looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2014
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This seemed to be a build up chapter to whatever comes next. I liked the conversation between the man with the crossan and Doctorex. It gives me more clues to Doctorex past. It will be interesting to see how the boys take him as a commander. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2014
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The next chapter should be dropping tonight, Gretchen. Thanks for your loyalty. By the way, he keeps wanting me to remind you it's Doctrex. I couldn't care less, but you know generals!
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Give the General my apologies. I'm a Lt. Colonel's daughter and I know better.
Comment from dreamin'
"The name's the invisible rein." Great line. I would like to think it is with most horses with trusted riders. I like that Doc misinterpreted this and assumed it was "rain."
Is Doctrex thinking "...as comfortable as any Texas Plains Cowboys would..." this reference seems out of place to me unless it comes to Doc in a memory flash. Maybe I'm being to rigid, trying to keep everything in perspective to the world he's in, but just seeing 'Texas plains cowboys' took me out of your fictional world, and straight into an old western. With no other reference to bring me back, it was kind of hard to accept.
She swung her long neck in an ark (arc) to look at me.
I can't wait for the reactions to Doc being their commander.
As always, great story.
Debbie
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2014
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"The name's the invisible rein." Great line. I would like to think it is with most horses with trusted riders. I like that Doc misinterpreted this and assumed it was "rain."
Is Doctrex thinking "...as comfortable as any Texas Plains Cowboys would..." this reference seems out of place to me unless it comes to Doc in a memory flash. Maybe I'm being to rigid, trying to keep everything in perspective to the world he's in, but just seeing 'Texas plains cowboys' took me out of your fictional world, and straight into an old western. With no other reference to bring me back, it was kind of hard to accept.
She swung her long neck in an ark (arc) to look at me.
I can't wait for the reactions to Doc being their commander.
As always, great story.
Debbie
Comment Written 14-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2014
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I'm happy you made the connection, Debbie, between rein and rain. I've have those who asked me if it was a misspell. You may be right about "Texas Plains Cowboys". I'll have to mull that over. I'm going right in and changing "ark" to "arc". Thanks for being here.
Comment from krprice
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
He started. . . His eyes lit up, and his whole body. . . show filled with nervous energy.
On the way. . . I knew that. . . delete (obvious since you're in his POV) and begin with Glnot Rhuether
I (strode, walked, or some active verb. Went is rather passive)
I was sweating... show entire sentence
We no longer. . . Delete I knew. . .
But, now. . . working through. .
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2014
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Delete unnecessary 'that's.
He started. . . His eyes lit up, and his whole body. . . show filled with nervous energy.
On the way. . . I knew that. . . delete (obvious since you're in his POV) and begin with Glnot Rhuether
I (strode, walked, or some active verb. Went is rather passive)
I was sweating... show entire sentence
We no longer. . . Delete I knew. . .
But, now. . . working through. .
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 14-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Karlene. Most of your suggestions are right on. My problem is you don't give me enough info to show me where it is in the text: "He started. . . His eyes lit up, and his whole body. . . show filled with nervous energy." You don't give me a suggestion on that sentence. I do know it is long and it will be edited shorter, but was that your implied suggestion?
Now this was good: "On the way. . . I knew that". . . delete (obvious since you're in his POV) and begin with Glnot Rhuether. Your suggestion is clear and I'm sure I'll act on it when I edit that chapter.
It's just that some of the time you use a kind of shorthand that I don't understand.
I hope you don't take this as criticism on my part, but just a way that I can utilize your suggestions.
Any new projects for you?
Thanks,
Jay
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The first couple of words (IE: He started. . . ) are at the beginning of the paragraph. The next words (I"E: His eyes lit up, and his whole body. . .) This sentence is within that paragraph. Perhaps to show his nervous energy he could have a habit like nibbling on his lips or something else to indicate his nervousness.
I hope this help.
I can't make up my mind what to work on next. It's either a romantic suspense (no ideas much less a plot), a sequel to The Stiletto Murders (bought, but not out yet), a mystery which would start a new series, or a space opera, which would mean lots of background work first.
Karlene
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It definitely should be in the mystery/suspense genre. That seems to be your niche.
Thanks for clarifying your reviewing technique. Everyone's is different. I use the "find"/"remove" feature on word. If I could ask you to use more than two words as an identifier it would be very helpful in finding it. Thank you. I love having you as a reviewer.
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Glad that helped. I'll try to remember to use more than two words.
Karlene
Comment from Liandra
Now the journey has another beginning for Doctrex. I read this chapter twice, as I generally do, time permitting. Not one letter out of place, or word. You're a brilliant writer. You have done your homework about horses. I reckon you would be able to get into the saddle and enjoy the freedom and the pleasure horse riding brings.
Now Doctrex has to assert his authority on the brothers, should be interesting.
This chapter deserved 6 stars but ran out.
Hugs,
Liandra
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2014
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Now the journey has another beginning for Doctrex. I read this chapter twice, as I generally do, time permitting. Not one letter out of place, or word. You're a brilliant writer. You have done your homework about horses. I reckon you would be able to get into the saddle and enjoy the freedom and the pleasure horse riding brings.
Now Doctrex has to assert his authority on the brothers, should be interesting.
This chapter deserved 6 stars but ran out.
Hugs,
Liandra
Comment Written 13-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2014
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Thank you bunches, Liandra. I'm glad you got to read it -- wow! -- twice! Thanks. Don't kid yourself about horse riding. I like horses from a distance only. They scare me from up close. You are wonderful!
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You're welcome, my friend.
hugs, Liandra
Comment from A Matter Of Words
This chapter is written by someone who know more than just a little something about horses - or by someone who has done his research. Either way, you did an excellent job. There is nothing more disappointing to me than people writing about something they know nothing about.
Doctrex is coming into his own here. He is not only understanding his role, but he is feeling it and has the instinct to carry it out. You have done an exceptional job at telling this chapter, Jay, and I truly do wish that I had a 6 to put my money where my mouth is. Great pace, excellent dialogue and descriptive writing...Stephanie
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2014
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This chapter is written by someone who know more than just a little something about horses - or by someone who has done his research. Either way, you did an excellent job. There is nothing more disappointing to me than people writing about something they know nothing about.
Doctrex is coming into his own here. He is not only understanding his role, but he is feeling it and has the instinct to carry it out. You have done an exceptional job at telling this chapter, Jay, and I truly do wish that I had a 6 to put my money where my mouth is. Great pace, excellent dialogue and descriptive writing...Stephanie
Comment Written 13-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2014
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Ohhhhh, you do my heart good, Stephanie. Well, the rubber will meet the road (or the hooves in this case) in the next chapter or two. His bonding with Rain Spirit authenticates him on so many levels, with himself and the brothers Profue (and Zurn). Thanks for stopping by.
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I look forward to reading the next leg of this novel. Take care...Stephanie