The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "A COUPLE OF MOMENTS OF TRUTH"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
18 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
Another interesting chapter. Was interesting to see how he adjusted to riding the crossan. Was half expecting him to stumble from stiff muscles when he dismounted (that wouldn't have helped him give them his news). Liked the way he worked up to telling them, too, but if he struggles this much telling them this, how much harder will he find it, when he has to send people into battle and possibly to their deaths. Will be interesting to find out how he copes/changes as I catch up.
Nits/suggestions:
I was surprised to see how easily I mounted Rain Spirit.
--Technically he can't really see himself mounting. Suggest something like: I was surprised by the ease with which I mounted Rain Spirit.
--You've got three sentences 'I' right at the start. Might be worth trying to tweak one to avoid the repetition.
It's just that she can sense your nerves.
--Is the second sentence in a row Klynch says 'just'. Consider killing it, so sentence starts at 'she'.
--Two more 'just's in the next couple of lines. Must've got stuck in your head.
Oh, yes, you're a beautiful girl...
--This, and the rest of his dialogue in this para, has just the right rhythm for someone talking to a pet. I suspect she might be needing a firmer hand at some point though.
"Are you ready to get some real exercise, young lady,(?)" I asked
Their crossans were ambling along, now, and, as I approached them all three turned in their saddles.
--Commas seem wrong. Should it be: Their crossans were ambling along now and, as I approached them, all three turned in their saddles. ? (delete 'them'?)
I pulled back on the reins, but she only slowed a little...
--Good paragraph.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2014
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Another interesting chapter. Was interesting to see how he adjusted to riding the crossan. Was half expecting him to stumble from stiff muscles when he dismounted (that wouldn't have helped him give them his news). Liked the way he worked up to telling them, too, but if he struggles this much telling them this, how much harder will he find it, when he has to send people into battle and possibly to their deaths. Will be interesting to find out how he copes/changes as I catch up.
Nits/suggestions:
I was surprised to see how easily I mounted Rain Spirit.
--Technically he can't really see himself mounting. Suggest something like: I was surprised by the ease with which I mounted Rain Spirit.
--You've got three sentences 'I' right at the start. Might be worth trying to tweak one to avoid the repetition.
It's just that she can sense your nerves.
--Is the second sentence in a row Klynch says 'just'. Consider killing it, so sentence starts at 'she'.
--Two more 'just's in the next couple of lines. Must've got stuck in your head.
Oh, yes, you're a beautiful girl...
--This, and the rest of his dialogue in this para, has just the right rhythm for someone talking to a pet. I suspect she might be needing a firmer hand at some point though.
"Are you ready to get some real exercise, young lady,(?)" I asked
Their crossans were ambling along, now, and, as I approached them all three turned in their saddles.
--Commas seem wrong. Should it be: Their crossans were ambling along now and, as I approached them, all three turned in their saddles. ? (delete 'them'?)
I pulled back on the reins, but she only slowed a little...
--Good paragraph.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2014
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Of course, you know from the later chapters how he sends troops to battle. I think what you mean is whether there will be a character development progression between now and later. That's interesting. It all developed organically. If I thought in advance, I have to add scenes that show his developing maturity as a leader, I'd have given up on it in frustration. Thanks for ALL your valuable help with this and all chapters.
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Did my first reply save? Wanted to add "sometimes I'm not very good at explaining what I'm thinking" and there's no edit reply option--on either version of the site.
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Nope. No sign of my first reply, so...just in case its not there.
Yes, that's what I meant :)
And I agree about planning character development driving you mad. Not something I'd do either. Development comes through the natural reaction to an event and once you plan it stops being natural and becomes forced.
Doctrex has developed--can see that comparing him here to the lead up the ambush, just looking forward to see how its came about. Whether it's a natural ability like his riding the crossan (or remembered from his lost past), whether it came to him like his speech, or if a particular event pushed him into growing, etc.
I'm curious and I want to see what's next. That's all I'd meant to say.
(please save this time)
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Well, I guess because I'm answering it, it was saved. Right? Thanks again.
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Well, I've switched to the old site now, because I wrote this...
Let's try this again, and if it doesn't work I'm giving up on the new site, too. Yup, it saved.
...told it to save and it poofed into the nerthersphere.
Comment from Tina McKala
I loved your descriptions of Doctrex finding/creating a bond with Rain Spirit. Lovely chapter.
And I keep on wondering whether the need to control icomes naturally with his new title of a commander or whether that is somebody manipulating his mind. Or is it something he used to be that is coming back to life now? Hmmm, so many questions and all of them promise an intriguing story development. Can't wait to see what is going to happen next.
The only suggestion I'd have is 'sets of eyes' - you used it twice, it sounded okay with me for the first time, but the second it felt like a repetition, so I'd consider rewording one of them.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014
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I loved your descriptions of Doctrex finding/creating a bond with Rain Spirit. Lovely chapter.
And I keep on wondering whether the need to control icomes naturally with his new title of a commander or whether that is somebody manipulating his mind. Or is it something he used to be that is coming back to life now? Hmmm, so many questions and all of them promise an intriguing story development. Can't wait to see what is going to happen next.
The only suggestion I'd have is 'sets of eyes' - you used it twice, it sounded okay with me for the first time, but the second it felt like a repetition, so I'd consider rewording one of them.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2014
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Thank you SOOOO much for picking out that embarrassing overuse of cleverness: I changed the second to "I went over and sat on the grass in front of the three who were considering me."
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. i love a good gallop..and a run away, just plain scry(and sort of exillerating)..
Now, the fun starts...the commander...I wonder how that will go?
padumachitta
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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Hi. i love a good gallop..and a run away, just plain scry(and sort of exillerating)..
Now, the fun starts...the commander...I wonder how that will go?
padumachitta
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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You're playing catch up, Padumachitta! LOL, I'm glad you're enjoying it.
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Hi Jay. I have been gone for a few days. I then go through my in box and read the stories to catch up on things. I don't want to miss any of these chapters. It means my reveiws area bit short, but still long on being a fan:-) And congrats on the reviewing prize!
padumachitta
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Thank you for the congratulations. It came as quite a surprise to me.
Comment from Liandra
I had a clear image in my mind as Doctrex began his journey on Rain Spirit. I had to smile at the description it was so good. It actually reminded me of my first time in the saddle.
I was waiting for Rain Spirit to test the Doctrex. Horses know when they have a novice rider. She behaved very well.
Well written and I especially enjoyed the communication between Doctrex and his Mare.
( I'm running behind with reviews - family 'stuff!')
:) Liandra
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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I had a clear image in my mind as Doctrex began his journey on Rain Spirit. I had to smile at the description it was so good. It actually reminded me of my first time in the saddle.
I was waiting for Rain Spirit to test the Doctrex. Horses know when they have a novice rider. She behaved very well.
Well written and I especially enjoyed the communication between Doctrex and his Mare.
( I'm running behind with reviews - family 'stuff!')
:) Liandra
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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You are so kind, Liandra! Thanks for the 6-er I do understand family things. And, it's easy to get behind. Thanks again for the generosity.
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As always, you're welcome,
:) Liandra
Comment from GWHARGIS
I was wondering how he was going to tell them. I actually thought he might go into some lengthy detailed story and he did the best thing. He just laid it out for them. That was perfect. Nice job on the scene where he is getting to know his crossan. I like that he whispers and is trying to figure this out.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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I was wondering how he was going to tell them. I actually thought he might go into some lengthy detailed story and he did the best thing. He just laid it out for them. That was perfect. Nice job on the scene where he is getting to know his crossan. I like that he whispers and is trying to figure this out.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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Many thanks, Gretchen. I hope the whole process of telling and reaction don't draw this out too long. The problem is it WOULD be too long for FanStory as one chapter, so I chop it in two and then it seems like I'm lingering too long. Appreciate your being here.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
And how does magic impact animals, heart and soul wander, what is the right time and place to share, open up and place the knowledge of why, how does it fit and why.. lots of shadows, smile.. Walt
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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And how does magic impact animals, heart and soul wander, what is the right time and place to share, open up and place the knowledge of why, how does it fit and why.. lots of shadows, smile.. Walt
Comment Written 16-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Walt. You gotta be from the stream of consciousness era of the 60s!
Comment from A Matter Of Words
Another great chapter, Jay. The banter between the brothers is a nice contrast to what Doctrex is feeling. His concentration on bonding with Rain is well written. I remember those days when I would be working with a green horse and had to fake being in emotional charge, knowing full well they can read a person's energy. Your descriptive writing set the scene beautifully. A pleasure to read...Stephanie
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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Another great chapter, Jay. The banter between the brothers is a nice contrast to what Doctrex is feeling. His concentration on bonding with Rain is well written. I remember those days when I would be working with a green horse and had to fake being in emotional charge, knowing full well they can read a person's energy. Your descriptive writing set the scene beautifully. A pleasure to read...Stephanie
Comment Written 16-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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Your words about the crossans means so much to me, Stephanie. I was so worried that someone who knows horses would say, "Here's someone trying to fake knowing." I'm so happy you're aboard.
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No, you did a great job despite being a greenhorn.
Comment from krprice
One of my former critiquer suggested I cut the word just. You've used it twice early in the second paragraph.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Try to avoid words like felt, heard, saw, smelled.
When we got to the main road. . . "The idea," Klynch had told me. . . (you need to capitalize the K in Klynch.
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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One of my former critiquer suggested I cut the word just. You've used it twice early in the second paragraph.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Try to avoid words like felt, heard, saw, smelled.
When we got to the main road. . . "The idea," Klynch had told me. . . (you need to capitalize the K in Klynch.
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 16-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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Well ... well ... well ... you don't capitalize the K in krprice! LOL, thanks so much for that catch! I'll correct that later today. On my way to work. Thanks for your loyalty, Karlene. Yes, I've heard about "just" too.
Comment from Delahay
A well written continuation of this story. I like the description of how the main character is learning to ride and "become one" with his mount. They are obviously developing a close relationship.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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A well written continuation of this story. I like the description of how the main character is learning to ride and "become one" with his mount. They are obviously developing a close relationship.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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Yes, they are developing an almost spiritual bond. And the crossan plays an important role in the book.
Comment from lancellot
Nicely done. Reading this made me think about doing a little horse riding this summer. I like the truthfulness of his learning. Mistakes are made as are corrections. Perfectly normal.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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Nicely done. Reading this made me think about doing a little horse riding this summer. I like the truthfulness of his learning. Mistakes are made as are corrections. Perfectly normal.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2014
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I'm so happy to see you're reading The Trining, Lancellot. I love having your perspective. I know absolutely nothing from personal experience about horses (or crossans!) But thank goodness for Google and YouTube.