The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "A TRANSFER OF POWER"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
12 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
The conversation between Doctrex and the brothers flows well. Sheleck's and Giln's reaction does raise the question of what they expected in terms of command structure when they signed up--or did they just not give it much thought because its all new to them? Their letting Doctrex ride away alone, and their lack of a wave at the end do a good job of showing how they're feeling.
Doctrex's cramps add a nice humorous break in the conversation.
One thing, though--pre-cramps, it'd be worth looking to see if you can't pop in one or two actions because, apart from a couple of looks, it feels a bit static. A movement or two, even if its just to shoo away a fly, would lift it up a notch.
Nits/suggestions:
Sheleck broke his gaze at me (from me/mine?)
"It starts at the camp,(") I said
"No I wouldn't. Not if I knew I was going to take the knife."
--Consider a tag, because Doctrex switched from addressing Sheleck to addressing all three men.
"But, Kabeez has a very small army. So, I've been told I'm him. I am the superior.(")
"But, that would explain your butt cramps," he said over his shoulder."
--Stray quote to kill at the end.
--Don't know if its a glitch with the new site (yes, I'm using the evil purple one), but I noticed in this chapter and the last one the quotation marks at the start of dialogue are closing quotes instead of opening ones.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2014
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The conversation between Doctrex and the brothers flows well. Sheleck's and Giln's reaction does raise the question of what they expected in terms of command structure when they signed up--or did they just not give it much thought because its all new to them? Their letting Doctrex ride away alone, and their lack of a wave at the end do a good job of showing how they're feeling.
Doctrex's cramps add a nice humorous break in the conversation.
One thing, though--pre-cramps, it'd be worth looking to see if you can't pop in one or two actions because, apart from a couple of looks, it feels a bit static. A movement or two, even if its just to shoo away a fly, would lift it up a notch.
Nits/suggestions:
Sheleck broke his gaze at me (from me/mine?)
"It starts at the camp,(") I said
"No I wouldn't. Not if I knew I was going to take the knife."
--Consider a tag, because Doctrex switched from addressing Sheleck to addressing all three men.
"But, Kabeez has a very small army. So, I've been told I'm him. I am the superior.(")
"But, that would explain your butt cramps," he said over his shoulder."
--Stray quote to kill at the end.
--Don't know if its a glitch with the new site (yes, I'm using the evil purple one), but I noticed in this chapter and the last one the quotation marks at the start of dialogue are closing quotes instead of opening ones.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2014
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I refuse to use the new site. Won't even go into it. I was about to cancel my subscription. That said, you know you are one of the few who would make me pause LONG before quitting. This review is an example of why! Thank you.
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No. You're not allowed to go anywhere. I'd likely stop posting without your reviews.
Comment from Tina McKala
Again I've no suggestions. it reads very smoothly and paints the pictures very well. The ending is impressive cliffhanger. Somethign bad must have happened. Were they attacked? Must go and read the next chapter right away •??
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2014
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Again I've no suggestions. it reads very smoothly and paints the pictures very well. The ending is impressive cliffhanger. Somethign bad must have happened. Were they attacked? Must go and read the next chapter right away •??
Comment Written 01-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2014
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Lovely! Thank you, Tina. And, a very big thanks for getting caught up with all the missed chapters. I'll be posting the final chapter of Book I in a few days. Having trouble with some parts. It will get some criticism -- so get your red pencil sharpened.
Comment from Delahay
A good continuation of this story that will keep the reader interested and wondering what happens next. The lead character has finally told his companions who he is and we will be able to see how they will handle this fact.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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A good continuation of this story that will keep the reader interested and wondering what happens next. The lead character has finally told his companions who he is and we will be able to see how they will handle this fact.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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I appreciate your input, Ward. Please come back often, stay as long as you like.
Comment from Fridayauthor
A nice chapter and a nice verbal exchange. It flows along very well.
A couple of miss quotes....
But, Kabeez has a very small army...
"But, Kabeez has a very small army...
It starts at the camp,"
"It starts at the camp,"
brotherhood between us.
Brotherhood among us. (three of them)
This stuff gets into what is grammatically correct versus what would more naturally be said in conversation. Some readers pick up on errors but don't give allowances for the fact in speech, the less correct is probably better, as is your use here. The old bit of no one says "whom."
Thanks for the posting
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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A nice chapter and a nice verbal exchange. It flows along very well.
A couple of miss quotes....
But, Kabeez has a very small army...
"But, Kabeez has a very small army...
It starts at the camp,"
"It starts at the camp,"
brotherhood between us.
Brotherhood among us. (three of them)
This stuff gets into what is grammatically correct versus what would more naturally be said in conversation. Some readers pick up on errors but don't give allowances for the fact in speech, the less correct is probably better, as is your use here. The old bit of no one says "whom."
Thanks for the posting
Comment Written 18-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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Thank you for pointing out the missed quote marks. About the other, you are right about the less correct being better. However, in this case I just missed it!
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Thank you for pointing out the missed quote marks. About the other, you are right about the less correct being better. However, in this case I just missed it!
Comment from krprice
"It starts at the camp,". . .
"If there w-were a superior," I stammered. "But, Kabeez. . . superior."
"I don't know. . . " He strode over to Freckles, removed his reins from the tree limb, and walked him. . .
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Make sure you put a comma before 'and' when you have a series of phrases, words, or clauses.
Try to avoid using saw, heard, smelled, or felt.
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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"It starts at the camp,". . .
"If there w-were a superior," I stammered. "But, Kabeez. . . superior."
"I don't know. . . " He strode over to Freckles, removed his reins from the tree limb, and walked him. . .
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Make sure you put a comma before 'and' when you have a series of phrases, words, or clauses.
Try to avoid using saw, heard, smelled, or felt.
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 18-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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Karlene, thank you for your helpfulness. As I mentioned before, I only correct the quick SPAG glitches now. Later, I go in and look carefully at the other suggestions. I just didn't want you to look tomorrow and expect to see change. But, I'm obliged any way for all your suggestions.
Comment from Liandra
Doctrex has picked up the skill of riding. No wonder his 'butt' is sore! I hope he has some ointment with him otherwise he's going to have trouble walking the next day!
I wonder if the life he has led prior to the dimensional shift, included horse riding, which would account for him riding a feisty mare now!
I gosh, what has happened now? Why is only Zurn returning the wave?
Your description and dialogue is excellent as always.
...for their response...
hugs,
Liandra
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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Doctrex has picked up the skill of riding. No wonder his 'butt' is sore! I hope he has some ointment with him otherwise he's going to have trouble walking the next day!
I wonder if the life he has led prior to the dimensional shift, included horse riding, which would account for him riding a feisty mare now!
I gosh, what has happened now? Why is only Zurn returning the wave?
Your description and dialogue is excellent as always.
...for their response...
hugs,
Liandra
Comment Written 18-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Liandra, for your always encouraging comments. I can't answer for the dimensional shift -- well, at least not now. Maybe he WAS a feisty mare. Now, there's a though for you to carry on into the chapters.
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Your welcome, Jay,
I look forward to reading future chapters to see what complications might arise, being that he's from another existence; and yet he easily fits in with the reality he's now occupying.
Maybe he rode a feisty mare in his other world. He seems well informed.
Hugs,
Liandra
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. I was waiting for him to be saddle sore! Poor guy.
I liked the way you had the conversation go. It will be hard for all of them but, your guy is trying. Zurn gives it a bit of heart.
padumachitta
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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Hi. I was waiting for him to be saddle sore! Poor guy.
I liked the way you had the conversation go. It will be hard for all of them but, your guy is trying. Zurn gives it a bit of heart.
padumachitta
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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Thanks,padumachitta, for coming back and reading my chapter. Yeah, Zurn is quite a balancing factor, isn't he.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I am still enjoying the story. There are new things happening along the way to keep my interest, and I'm a little anxious about the confrontation that is possibly ahead. You make your characters quite realistic. I love Rain Spirit! Giddy
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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I am still enjoying the story. There are new things happening along the way to keep my interest, and I'm a little anxious about the confrontation that is possibly ahead. You make your characters quite realistic. I love Rain Spirit! Giddy
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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Thank you Giddy for your continued support. So far this has been more relational in its thrust. The action will come. I promise.
Comment from WWWJR
Very well written, and I am not a strong fan of fantasy writing.
I really liked the relationship built in this paragraph:
"Rain Spirit chewed the tender grasses that grew lusher next to the wall. She was content. I let the reins drape across my lap. After a quarter hour I was beginning to wonder what was keeping them. We had made our way at a leisurely amble-trot-gallop, then reversing back to a trot and amble. Not only was that keeping crossan and rider fresher, but it was also reinforcing in Rain's pliant memory the sound and timbre of my voice along with the slackness and tension of the reins and the pressure of my feet against her sides. There was no reason, though, for their not being here by now."
It demonstrates an awareness of multiple layers of concern and interaction. It provides a dimension of reality, as we live.
No criticism other than a couple of possible misspellings (most likely more from my lacking grammar than your writing).
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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Very well written, and I am not a strong fan of fantasy writing.
I really liked the relationship built in this paragraph:
"Rain Spirit chewed the tender grasses that grew lusher next to the wall. She was content. I let the reins drape across my lap. After a quarter hour I was beginning to wonder what was keeping them. We had made our way at a leisurely amble-trot-gallop, then reversing back to a trot and amble. Not only was that keeping crossan and rider fresher, but it was also reinforcing in Rain's pliant memory the sound and timbre of my voice along with the slackness and tension of the reins and the pressure of my feet against her sides. There was no reason, though, for their not being here by now."
It demonstrates an awareness of multiple layers of concern and interaction. It provides a dimension of reality, as we live.
No criticism other than a couple of possible misspellings (most likely more from my lacking grammar than your writing).
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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Wow, this is the first time you have been by, I believe any way. I'm so happy you are enjoying it. I hope you choose to come back and catch some future chapters. Thank you so much.
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
A rather clean text here, that flows quickly and shows the interrelationship of Doctrex and his friends.
Here more line-by-line stuff:
--It starts at the camp, I said, "and
>>"It starts at the camp,: I said, "and <<
--Sheleck, no matter how they'll want me to act toward you and talk to you--and I'm sure I'll have to yield to what I'll be told is the way to act and talk to people of lower rank--I want you to know--I want all three of you to know that there is truly a brotherhood between us.
>>Very nice part that shows their closeness. Well done.
-- But, Kabeez has a very small army. So, I've been told I'm him. I am the superior.
>> "But, Kabeez has a very small army. So, I've been told I'm him. I am the superior."<<
I think this should be in quotes.
--he said over his shoulder."
>>he said over his shoulder.<<
--After a quarter hour I was beginning to wonder what was keeping them.
>>After a quarter hour, I was beginning to wonder what was keeping them. <<
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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Hi Jay,
A rather clean text here, that flows quickly and shows the interrelationship of Doctrex and his friends.
Here more line-by-line stuff:
--It starts at the camp, I said, "and
>>"It starts at the camp,: I said, "and <<
--Sheleck, no matter how they'll want me to act toward you and talk to you--and I'm sure I'll have to yield to what I'll be told is the way to act and talk to people of lower rank--I want you to know--I want all three of you to know that there is truly a brotherhood between us.
>>Very nice part that shows their closeness. Well done.
-- But, Kabeez has a very small army. So, I've been told I'm him. I am the superior.
>> "But, Kabeez has a very small army. So, I've been told I'm him. I am the superior."<<
I think this should be in quotes.
--he said over his shoulder."
>>he said over his shoulder.<<
--After a quarter hour I was beginning to wonder what was keeping them.
>>After a quarter hour, I was beginning to wonder what was keeping them. <<
Comment Written 17-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2014
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Maybe I'm starting to learn something, Leo. I'll take a few dropped quote marks from you any day, LOL. Thanks. Hope things are going well with your novel.