The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "THE VISIONS OF THE BROTHERS PROFUE"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
15 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
Good to see the brothers come to some sort of acceptance over Doctrex's position over them. (Bit surprised they might have considered not continuing, because they signed up before hey met Doctrex, so had no idea who'd be in command). Glad to see there's still some distance near the end--would've been too much to have them accept it all so quickly.
And I have to run because my battery's about to die.
Nits/Suggestions:
He didn't(doesn't) remember his father or mother--did(do) you Zurn?
--He still doesn't, I presume?
"If you don't mind an observation, Giln,(put a tag in here?) when you say the name Glnot Rhuether your blood seems to stir."
"I just didn't know then ..."
--stray space before the ellipses
Waiting for it to abate, I looked from the brothers to Zurn who was stroking Blackie's mane, //the corners of Zurn's mouth upturned,
--Start a new sentence at the // as its quite a long one otherwise.
his eyes perhaps (focused?) inward on an internal landscape populated
--nice images in this paragraph.
that the cost of caring for them until
--I knew you mean the crossans, but unloaded and decamped to their rooms since you last mentioned them (the crossans) so consider being more specific.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2014
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Good to see the brothers come to some sort of acceptance over Doctrex's position over them. (Bit surprised they might have considered not continuing, because they signed up before hey met Doctrex, so had no idea who'd be in command). Glad to see there's still some distance near the end--would've been too much to have them accept it all so quickly.
And I have to run because my battery's about to die.
Nits/Suggestions:
He didn't(doesn't) remember his father or mother--did(do) you Zurn?
--He still doesn't, I presume?
"If you don't mind an observation, Giln,(put a tag in here?) when you say the name Glnot Rhuether your blood seems to stir."
"I just didn't know then ..."
--stray space before the ellipses
Waiting for it to abate, I looked from the brothers to Zurn who was stroking Blackie's mane, //the corners of Zurn's mouth upturned,
--Start a new sentence at the // as its quite a long one otherwise.
his eyes perhaps (focused?) inward on an internal landscape populated
--nice images in this paragraph.
that the cost of caring for them until
--I knew you mean the crossans, but unloaded and decamped to their rooms since you last mentioned them (the crossans) so consider being more specific.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2014
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Good catches. Always good catches. Especially the "didn't" vs "doesn't". Thanks.
Comment from Tina McKala
"What [is is]," I said, filling their void. "Nothing will change that. // double *is* in the first speech part
Well, I guess that is what happens when somebody is promoted - he stop being "one of us". Doctrex might feel lonelier from now on, but I believe the fighting and Gnolt Ruether will keep him busy.
and this thing with the shared dream (vision) - that's awesome. can't wait to see what is going on here.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2014
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"What [is is]," I said, filling their void. "Nothing will change that. // double *is* in the first speech part
Well, I guess that is what happens when somebody is promoted - he stop being "one of us". Doctrex might feel lonelier from now on, but I believe the fighting and Gnolt Ruether will keep him busy.
and this thing with the shared dream (vision) - that's awesome. can't wait to see what is going on here.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2014
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Wow, I didn't know you had missed so many chapters. Glad to have you playing catch up. "What is is..." I'll have to work on a less awkward way of saying "whatever will be, will be."
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oh, this meaning! then maybe comma should fix it ?
yep, you were busy while i was gone, but i will always catch up :-)
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or que sera sera. No, I think a comma might do it.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
To start with congratulations on being the recognized reviewer. What an honor!!!!! I enjoyed reading your post. I hesitate to say this, but at the beginning with so many: I said. Giln explained. Sheleck added. It almost took me out of the story, but I continued and enjoyed reading the rest.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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To start with congratulations on being the recognized reviewer. What an honor!!!!! I enjoyed reading your post. I hesitate to say this, but at the beginning with so many: I said. Giln explained. Sheleck added. It almost took me out of the story, but I continued and enjoyed reading the rest.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Barbara, for both the congratulations and the use of your wisdom. I'll check that out and see if some of the identification can be through their action.
Comment from sibhus
A good chapter that is written well with a good pace. The summary is a very good idea and helps ground the reader in the story. The character list does seem a little long, but you have to keep the readers happy.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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A good chapter that is written well with a good pace. The summary is a very good idea and helps ground the reader in the story. The character list does seem a little long, but you have to keep the readers happy.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Thanks, sibhus, for stopping by. Hope you drop back to visit again.
Comment from krprice
"All true," said Giln. "But we still had to. . .
Delete unnecessary 'tat's.
"Your right," . . . should be "You're right,". . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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"All true," said Giln. "But we still had to. . .
Delete unnecessary 'tat's.
"Your right," . . . should be "You're right,". . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Two great catches, Karlene. I appreciate your continued reading. You're quite an asset to me here.
Comment from Liandra
The story is moving along nicely. Not rushed, but a pace that captures the imagination far better.
Getting to know your characters is good, they each have their own personality that shines through.
I'm looking forward to their destination and how it will effect each of them, especially when Doctrex has command.
Take care,
:)
Liandra
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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The story is moving along nicely. Not rushed, but a pace that captures the imagination far better.
Getting to know your characters is good, they each have their own personality that shines through.
I'm looking forward to their destination and how it will effect each of them, especially when Doctrex has command.
Take care,
:)
Liandra
Comment Written 21-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2014
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Liandra, you are a doll! Thank you for the beautiful, glitzy plus by my stars. My favorite color! Most of all I'm tickled that you keep coming back for the story and the characters.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. Well, I figure he will get more lonely as the story goes on. Leaders are never part of the pack, though they in the end, save our necks(we hope).
Zurn conitnues to be my solid ground, i have hope he will be the centreing factor to the change in relationships.
Still, there is more than 20 units for this story to go...
One day I will get the book, then I can read it straight through, over a weekend, like a good book should be read:-)
Until then, I will read these short FS chapters...
padumachitta
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2014
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Hi. Well, I figure he will get more lonely as the story goes on. Leaders are never part of the pack, though they in the end, save our necks(we hope).
Zurn conitnues to be my solid ground, i have hope he will be the centreing factor to the change in relationships.
Still, there is more than 20 units for this story to go...
One day I will get the book, then I can read it straight through, over a weekend, like a good book should be read:-)
Until then, I will read these short FS chapters...
padumachitta
Comment Written 20-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2014
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Bless you for being here, Paumachitta. It will be a little while before I get it totally edited, submitted, etc., etc. You are one of my main mainstays.
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Hi Jay. It is a pleasure:-)padumachitta
I have apoem out, it was a blind contest...it is somewhere on thelist about 24, called 'join me'. It is strong. If you have time I would be interested in your feedback:-)
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Love to. I thought I had you on my queue, but I don't recall seeing it. I'm going there now.
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Hi. Blind contest entries don't show up on the messages...thanks padumachitta
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Okay, that would explain it. I must admit to an aversion to critting poetry on FS -- and usually stay with prose. Many of the poets I've found here think that poetry (particularly their poetry) rises above grammar, punctuation, syntactic lapses, even God! They get a free pass to get them around any criticism.
You and your poem are a breath of fresh air.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I really noted in this chapter a deeper sense of the storyteller, a kind of layered process to your story where I can detect deeper emotions and a sense of mystery on top of the supernatural. I see it more here than I did before, Giddy
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2014
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I really noted in this chapter a deeper sense of the storyteller, a kind of layered process to your story where I can detect deeper emotions and a sense of mystery on top of the supernatural. I see it more here than I did before, Giddy
Comment Written 19-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2014
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I'm so happy you found more depth in this one. The layering, if I bring it off, will be felt more over the next few chapters. Hope you're back to read them.
Comment from DanielEkine
I must congratulate the effort of author to provide a glossary. It is a brilliant idea. Klasco keeps my attention span with this story alert. A great job in riding the description and narration with this story. Good use of SPAG command continues.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2014
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I must congratulate the effort of author to provide a glossary. It is a brilliant idea. Klasco keeps my attention span with this story alert. A great job in riding the description and narration with this story. Good use of SPAG command continues.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2014
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Much obliged, Daniel. Glad to have you back. The excitement begins in the following chapters.
Comment from dreamin'
Bummer! I have no more sixes to give this week.
Jay, this flowed as smooth as fresh churned buttermilk.
I don't know why, but now I have a feeling that Zurn is going to become a key player. Looks like he's the only one not affected by visions of good ol' Glnot Rhuether.
Thanks,
Debbie
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2014
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Bummer! I have no more sixes to give this week.
Jay, this flowed as smooth as fresh churned buttermilk.
I don't know why, but now I have a feeling that Zurn is going to become a key player. Looks like he's the only one not affected by visions of good ol' Glnot Rhuether.
Thanks,
Debbie
Comment Written 19-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2014
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I never thought of that, Debbie. Hmmmmm. Do you suppose? Zurn? I and I do love buttermilk.
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He could either be the hero, or maybe die one. I would cry, but it would be fitting for his village of idiots to get word of his bravery. But if you do kill him, please make sure Blackie goes with him. They are now inseparable.