The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "POWER CORRUPTS"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
15 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
Poor crossans! I can understand the logic if people are starving, but nothing Doctrex has seen implies they are, so sounds more like a convenient lie for the privileged's gain. The excuse for taking them in the first place also sounds logical, but to take the crossans and not offer compensation is theft--not good for moral. (all recruits get a crossan, so that's not compensation). And Djars reaction at the end--everything points to something more going on. Or Djars is as spoiled as his recruits and upset at having his position stomped on. Or both.
Doctrex is slipping easily into his roll of Commander now its not testing friendship. The ease with which he takes control suggests some instinct or past, now forgotten, role.
Suggestions:
Instantly, the guard snapped to attention, saluting.
--Do you need 'instantly'?
This surely isn't the first time this has happened that a new soldier arrives on his own crossan."
--awkward working. Perhaps: This surely isn't the first time this a new soldier has arrived on his own crossan."
or something similar?
He had to go(walk/climb) down the steps of the platform and walk between Blackie and Freckles to take it.
--and delete 'walk' before 'between' if you use it instead of 'go'.
As they walked(,) Zurn looked back over his shoulder at Blackie.
--or move 'as they walked' to the end. also consider 'went' or 'left' in place of 'walked'.
he grinned, fatuously and shrugged
--take out the comma?
--and the grin is a nice touch, hints that he's hiding something.
and poured brandy in first mine, then his.
--a little awkward. Maybe: and poured brandy, first in mine, then his. Or 'into mine first'.
I said (after) taking a sip of its fruitiness.
--being picky--he can't say it WHILE he's drinking. (well, he could, but it would be messy)
so the privileged classes and--if there is any remaining
--presume you mean any meat here? Can be read as any impoverished (but then it would be 'are' because they're plural). 'if there are any leftovers' or similar would clear up the potential confusion.
"It will (be), General Doctrex."
--or 'I will'
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2014
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Poor crossans! I can understand the logic if people are starving, but nothing Doctrex has seen implies they are, so sounds more like a convenient lie for the privileged's gain. The excuse for taking them in the first place also sounds logical, but to take the crossans and not offer compensation is theft--not good for moral. (all recruits get a crossan, so that's not compensation). And Djars reaction at the end--everything points to something more going on. Or Djars is as spoiled as his recruits and upset at having his position stomped on. Or both.
Doctrex is slipping easily into his roll of Commander now its not testing friendship. The ease with which he takes control suggests some instinct or past, now forgotten, role.
Suggestions:
Instantly, the guard snapped to attention, saluting.
--Do you need 'instantly'?
This surely isn't the first time this has happened that a new soldier arrives on his own crossan."
--awkward working. Perhaps: This surely isn't the first time this a new soldier has arrived on his own crossan."
or something similar?
He had to go(walk/climb) down the steps of the platform and walk between Blackie and Freckles to take it.
--and delete 'walk' before 'between' if you use it instead of 'go'.
As they walked(,) Zurn looked back over his shoulder at Blackie.
--or move 'as they walked' to the end. also consider 'went' or 'left' in place of 'walked'.
he grinned, fatuously and shrugged
--take out the comma?
--and the grin is a nice touch, hints that he's hiding something.
and poured brandy in first mine, then his.
--a little awkward. Maybe: and poured brandy, first in mine, then his. Or 'into mine first'.
I said (after) taking a sip of its fruitiness.
--being picky--he can't say it WHILE he's drinking. (well, he could, but it would be messy)
so the privileged classes and--if there is any remaining
--presume you mean any meat here? Can be read as any impoverished (but then it would be 'are' because they're plural). 'if there are any leftovers' or similar would clear up the potential confusion.
"It will (be), General Doctrex."
--or 'I will'
Comment Written 06-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2014
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Geez, you've got some great catches here, and as great solutions. Thank you, once more, Alex. Very definitely they will be part of my final edit.
Comment from Tina McKala
Seems to me Doctrex will be popular among soldiers, but hated by the officers. •?? No fun for him, for sure.
It is very cruel what they do with crossans. I'm definitely rooting for Doctrex here, just wondering how long his ideals can live
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2014
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Seems to me Doctrex will be popular among soldiers, but hated by the officers. •?? No fun for him, for sure.
It is very cruel what they do with crossans. I'm definitely rooting for Doctrex here, just wondering how long his ideals can live
Comment Written 01-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2014
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Very perceptive of you, Tina. Yeah, I think you'll see a lot of ruffled feathers wherever he goes.
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid using saw, smelled, heard, or felt.
They dismounted and. . . As they walked,. . .
I nodded, trying to figure. . . I knew. He was. . .
Excellent chapter.
Having been in the army and been an army wife (of both enlisted men and an officer), I know many of their customs are harsh.
Karlene
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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Try to avoid using saw, smelled, heard, or felt.
They dismounted and. . . As they walked,. . .
I nodded, trying to figure. . . I knew. He was. . .
Excellent chapter.
Having been in the army and been an army wife (of both enlisted men and an officer), I know many of their customs are harsh.
Karlene
Comment Written 24-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2014
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I see I left in a "I knew". That's become a real problem for me. I'll check it out. It always heartens me to see a part of my writing connecting with an experience in the reader's past. And, to hear it resonates something. It wouldn't unless it seemed authentic. Yes, I like that. Thanks, Karlene.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi Jay. I like this for all sorts of reasons. Mostly I like it because it is so real. This sort of corruption is rampant through many areas of life. I liked the way Doctrex just kept at the C.C. What does happen? And how the CC kept evading.
This shows that Doctrex is becoming more confident.
He will have a fight ahead of him, first with his own 'men'.
Hope all is well,
padumachitta
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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Hi Jay. I like this for all sorts of reasons. Mostly I like it because it is so real. This sort of corruption is rampant through many areas of life. I liked the way Doctrex just kept at the C.C. What does happen? And how the CC kept evading.
This shows that Doctrex is becoming more confident.
He will have a fight ahead of him, first with his own 'men'.
Hope all is well,
padumachitta
Comment Written 23-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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All is great, Padumachitta, and you know you can't say anything to make me prouder than to say it's so real! That's where it's at!
Comment from Liandra
This story is moving along wonderfully. I particularly enjoyed the way Doctrex stood his ground and wore Commander Djars down to a red faced, pompous 'you know what!'
He has already made his mark and it's almost as if he has experienced this before, somewhere, somehow.
Good writing and very enjoyable, my friend,
hugs,
Lindra
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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This story is moving along wonderfully. I particularly enjoyed the way Doctrex stood his ground and wore Commander Djars down to a red faced, pompous 'you know what!'
He has already made his mark and it's almost as if he has experienced this before, somewhere, somehow.
Good writing and very enjoyable, my friend,
hugs,
Lindra
Comment Written 23-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Liandra. As usual you are right there at the heart of the chapter and, OMG, you gave me a 6-er! Thanks redoubling to you my dear. I AM so glad you're enjoying it.
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You're welcome as always. I see you've posted another chapter. Will catch up tomorrow.
:) Liandra
Comment from Righteous Riter
The setting the atmosphere is described in the opening lines. Good, clear dialogue that display the emotion of the characters. Good transition of events. Nice steady pace leading to a conclusion that leaves me wanting to read more. Good work.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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The setting the atmosphere is described in the opening lines. Good, clear dialogue that display the emotion of the characters. Good transition of events. Nice steady pace leading to a conclusion that leaves me wanting to read more. Good work.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2014
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I'm glad it leaves you wanting to read more. I hope that means you will be back. I always love the incisiveness of your commentary.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
somebody is going to bed without supper, perhaps the the horse head will haunt again, for out of feature film, or was it a dancer, johms head, platter, the plot thickens, I am enjoying the tale.. Walt
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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somebody is going to bed without supper, perhaps the the horse head will haunt again, for out of feature film, or was it a dancer, johms head, platter, the plot thickens, I am enjoying the tale.. Walt
Comment Written 22-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Walt. Yeah, the plot thickens all right.
Comment from dreamin'
Hi Jay,
I'm liking this new, name-dropping-get-things-done version of Doc. This is a good chapter. I had a bit of a problem with this section; it was unclear to me what the "peculiar procedure" was until the commander's statement following it.
Maybe Doc should introduce the crossan issue before the commander speaks of it. [I added an addition to his question in ( )]
"The only important thing here is that it's wrong," I said taking a sip of its fruitiness. "Let's not confuse that issue with anyone's petty jealousy and greed. Who was the person who initiated this peculiar procedure (of separating a rider from his crossan upon arrival)? And, how long has it been in effect?"
Looking forward to more
Debbie
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Hi Jay,
I'm liking this new, name-dropping-get-things-done version of Doc. This is a good chapter. I had a bit of a problem with this section; it was unclear to me what the "peculiar procedure" was until the commander's statement following it.
Maybe Doc should introduce the crossan issue before the commander speaks of it. [I added an addition to his question in ( )]
"The only important thing here is that it's wrong," I said taking a sip of its fruitiness. "Let's not confuse that issue with anyone's petty jealousy and greed. Who was the person who initiated this peculiar procedure (of separating a rider from his crossan upon arrival)? And, how long has it been in effect?"
Looking forward to more
Debbie
Comment Written 22-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Thank you for bringing that up, Debbie. I'll check out. Those are things I reserve for the final edit. I paste it to a folder and go through possible changes in blocks. The only thing I go in and change immediately are the nits that impede ease in reading. Yours is the kind though I dearly LOVE! Thank you, Debbie.
Comment from GWHARGIS
So Doctrex is already to kick some ass. I like how he is able to read between the lines and even though he is new to the situation he is able to take control. He knows when to drop a name and doesn't bustle up when challenged. Great character development. Each chapter gives me a clue into seeing who he really is. Another great chapter.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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So Doctrex is already to kick some ass. I like how he is able to read between the lines and even though he is new to the situation he is able to take control. He knows when to drop a name and doesn't bustle up when challenged. Great character development. Each chapter gives me a clue into seeing who he really is. Another great chapter.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Gretchen. Yes, gotta admit I was rather pleased with Doctrex's development in this chapter. You know how a character starts taking over in your novel and you realize you just hope you brought him up well because he's got a mind of his own.
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Hey, I'm raising teenagers in my book. Sheesh! He is something to be proud of.
Comment from A Matter Of Words
The General steps into his role with grace. Doctrex is a man of action. There is no way he would allow the boys beloved crossans to be lunch for anyone. Another great chapter, Jay.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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The General steps into his role with grace. Doctrex is a man of action. There is no way he would allow the boys beloved crossans to be lunch for anyone. Another great chapter, Jay.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Stephanie. Yeah, ya gotta protect your crossan!
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This chapter gives Doctrex an added layer or depth. It is this sort of awareness and consideration that makes this character a believable leader.