The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "DISSOLUTION OF DOCTREX"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
17 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
Excellent final chapter--pivotal in the development of the story and in Doctrex himself. The way he swayed from the emotional driven person he once was (the one who killed himself) who was ready to run off to the rescue, to the sobbing person who'd realised what he was about to do, to the mix of him+the general was really well done. Bringing in Axtilla at the moment you did fits perfectly. Things could have ended so differently if she hadn't been there to bolster his resolve. You can see him moving away from the Doctrex who struggled to tell the brothers he was their commander, towards the Doctrex in book 3 in this chapter.
Nits and suggestions:
Glnot Rhuether, himself, appeared to the brothers in simultaneous visions
--delete the commas?
that their quest would be futile, would lead to their inevitable death and their leader's head would be served on a platter to Rhuether's new bride.
--There's something not quite right with this sentence but I can't quite put for my finger on it. Might be as simple as needing a comma before 'and' or...does the end need to change to '...and their leader's head being served to Rhuether's new bride on a platter.' or does that now sound like the bride's on the platter. (I probably shouldn't review when I'm this tired, but I want to know what happens. You got me hooked:) )
While both these emotions vied for a while, neither took a stronghold.
--'stronghold' or 'stranglehold'?
he looked impatiently at my knees, tucked into my rib cage(,) and we both listened intently
I finally I asked: "How about--Axtilla?"
--Kill an 'I'
I added(,) after a pause and an inward congratulatory smile
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2014
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Excellent final chapter--pivotal in the development of the story and in Doctrex himself. The way he swayed from the emotional driven person he once was (the one who killed himself) who was ready to run off to the rescue, to the sobbing person who'd realised what he was about to do, to the mix of him+the general was really well done. Bringing in Axtilla at the moment you did fits perfectly. Things could have ended so differently if she hadn't been there to bolster his resolve. You can see him moving away from the Doctrex who struggled to tell the brothers he was their commander, towards the Doctrex in book 3 in this chapter.
Nits and suggestions:
Glnot Rhuether, himself, appeared to the brothers in simultaneous visions
--delete the commas?
that their quest would be futile, would lead to their inevitable death and their leader's head would be served on a platter to Rhuether's new bride.
--There's something not quite right with this sentence but I can't quite put for my finger on it. Might be as simple as needing a comma before 'and' or...does the end need to change to '...and their leader's head being served to Rhuether's new bride on a platter.' or does that now sound like the bride's on the platter. (I probably shouldn't review when I'm this tired, but I want to know what happens. You got me hooked:) )
While both these emotions vied for a while, neither took a stronghold.
--'stronghold' or 'stranglehold'?
he looked impatiently at my knees, tucked into my rib cage(,) and we both listened intently
I finally I asked: "How about--Axtilla?"
--Kill an 'I'
I added(,) after a pause and an inward congratulatory smile
Comment Written 06-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2014
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My goodness! A six! Thank you for it and the always meaty suggestions and nit catches.
Comment from Aiona
Ahhh.... I wish I could have read from the beginning. As you know I tried, and failed. With 3 kids, a full-time job, and trying to write on my own, it's impossible. But I must say this much, this chapter alone is enough to engage my attention, even having not read previous chapters. That's a mark of writing well done.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Ahhh.... I wish I could have read from the beginning. As you know I tried, and failed. With 3 kids, a full-time job, and trying to write on my own, it's impossible. But I must say this much, this chapter alone is enough to engage my attention, even having not read previous chapters. That's a mark of writing well done.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2014
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Bless you, Aiona! I don't know how you can do anything on FS with all your activities. I'm retired, and complain about not having enough time! Thank you so much for reading. Curious... Did you find this chapter on my profile page?
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No, I found it on the voting site. :) For Story of the Month!
Comment from marion
Hi Jay
A BIG congratulations for book of the month nomination! I have just read the chapter and I certainly can see why! Great chapter! but on saying that, each I have read has been more than excellent. Rather than highlight what I like, and why, I will just let the six stars do the talking.
Marion.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2014
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Hi Jay
A BIG congratulations for book of the month nomination! I have just read the chapter and I certainly can see why! Great chapter! but on saying that, each I have read has been more than excellent. Rather than highlight what I like, and why, I will just let the six stars do the talking.
Marion.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2014
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Thank you so much, Marion. You are the best!
Comment from Kausar_Javeria
Hello there~!
I absolutely love this fantasy adventure series! This is so well written and I could visualize everything!
I really enjoyed it, nice pic for the work as well~
Great Job~
JazakAllah Khair~!
(God Bless~!)
(^_^)/~KAUSAR~(^_^)
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
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Hello there~!
I absolutely love this fantasy adventure series! This is so well written and I could visualize everything!
I really enjoyed it, nice pic for the work as well~
Great Job~
JazakAllah Khair~!
(God Bless~!)
(^_^)/~KAUSAR~(^_^)
Comment Written 15-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2014
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Thank you so much, Kausar. I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter of this series. I do hope you can read the first chapter of Book II, up now. Would love to have you aboard.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A great ending to a great book, my friend. Is there a sequel in the wings? I have enjoyed following this and enjoy your writing. I hope you continue on. Congrats on a job well done~Debbie
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2014
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A great ending to a great book, my friend. Is there a sequel in the wings? I have enjoyed following this and enjoy your writing. I hope you continue on. Congrats on a job well done~Debbie
Comment Written 14-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2014
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Debbie! Thank you so much for the 6-er. And, even more than that, for being here for book one. And, to answer your question, Chapter one of Book II is posted already. Hope you get a chance to read it. Once again, THANKS!
Comment from Tina McKala
renewed my membership, so this is my first 6 i'm again allowed to give.
i was a little confused at the beginning, but thix might be because of the time gap between this and the
previous chapter. other than that it was awesome. you captured the ambiance, its strange smell as doctrex was telepathicaly talking with axtilla. i still don't know whether it is true what she told him or whether it is a part of glnot's plan, but i like this incertainity as it is why it is so hard not to read this book. awesome story!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2014
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renewed my membership, so this is my first 6 i'm again allowed to give.
i was a little confused at the beginning, but thix might be because of the time gap between this and the
previous chapter. other than that it was awesome. you captured the ambiance, its strange smell as doctrex was telepathicaly talking with axtilla. i still don't know whether it is true what she told him or whether it is a part of glnot's plan, but i like this incertainity as it is why it is so hard not to read this book. awesome story!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2014
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First of all, I'm thrilled and humbled that you gave me your first 6. Thanks so much. I will work very hard to make sure everything is uncertain. This was the hardest chapter I wrote, trying to answer just enough questions without giving it an ending. I think you'll like the direction of the next book. You are so important to me here!
Comment from Kashif Ali Abbas
nice story, nice start and ending was good, the colors in presentation were off ffor me, the greens n the reds
I briefly scanned the expanse of pink meadow, left to right. Where are you?
My eyelids felt leaden.
I closed them.[ well done]]
K
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2014
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nice story, nice start and ending was good, the colors in presentation were off ffor me, the greens n the reds
I briefly scanned the expanse of pink meadow, left to right. Where are you?
My eyelids felt leaden.
I closed them.[ well done]]
K
Comment Written 13-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2014
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Thanks, so much, K. I'm sorry for the color thing. Did you mean the red at the very top asking if you are new to The Trining? And the green below that? If so that just gave the final words from the previous chapter. If you meant the pink meadows, it had to do with the flowers that were present everywhere in the provinces. At any rate, I wish you had a completely fine experience. The first chapter of Book II starts next week. Hope you can get started on it right from the beginning. Again... thanks, friend.
Comment from djsaxon
Bit of a journey for the uninitiated but this is in no way a criticism. The clarity and strength of the write allows the reader to relax into the story rather than to hold one's breath, wary of the next grammatical 'roadblock'. "Crossan" perplexed until I read the Author's notes.
"She asked without a heartbeat of a pause." - a little clunky.
You have created a fascinating and complex world and cast of protagonists.
Dissolution - double 's'. Cheers - DJ
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2014
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Bit of a journey for the uninitiated but this is in no way a criticism. The clarity and strength of the write allows the reader to relax into the story rather than to hold one's breath, wary of the next grammatical 'roadblock'. "Crossan" perplexed until I read the Author's notes.
"She asked without a heartbeat of a pause." - a little clunky.
You have created a fascinating and complex world and cast of protagonists.
Dissolution - double 's'. Cheers - DJ
Comment Written 12-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2014
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Thank you so much, DJ, for your kind words. Especially thanks for the embarrassing misspell. It's been corrected. Book II starts next week. Hope to see you drop by now and again.
Comment from Fridayauthor
There is a tremendous amount of passion, all here in one chapter. I see it as at least three different peaks and valleys.
The first,his fervor over where is Axtilla. This is handled well with the pacing, her name with every foot-fall.
He opens relatively calm, the letter, the assumption she is
safe. Then, the first panic attack. "The realization struck me." In view of how the passion ed feeling she needs protection, nicely describes how strongly he feels. I'd like him to force himself to more logically come to the desertion decision. That's a valley of his emotion.
The second mountain of emotions is the desertion it self. Here, I'd like to see less of the general but his own thought process, in a semi-logical, less dream like manner. Yes, refer to the general but make it more his own.
He becomes calm again, before yet another vision causes more up and down emotions and sustained passionate emotion. Again, decisions seem to be made for him, not by him. I'd like to see him be somewhat in control although I think I understand what you are doing.
He is told the desertion decisions is foolish, he doesn't come to the decision himself, after her prodding.
my mind ricocheting inwardly, a tornado of warring thoughts.
my mind ricocheting, a tornado of warring thoughts.
(I don't like adverbs but especially this one and it couldn't ricochet "outwardly" could it? I like the rest of the sentence.
A great,impassioned chapter, very difficult to sustain. That's why I see the need to cull any words unneeded.
Excellent work on a tough assignment, Jay.
PS: I'm getting back to reading after my unpacking, etc. days. I had already read this and was penning my response when I got you note asking if I'd read it.
Thanks, and sorry to be so wordy. Time for fish and chips.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2014
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There is a tremendous amount of passion, all here in one chapter. I see it as at least three different peaks and valleys.
The first,his fervor over where is Axtilla. This is handled well with the pacing, her name with every foot-fall.
He opens relatively calm, the letter, the assumption she is
safe. Then, the first panic attack. "The realization struck me." In view of how the passion ed feeling she needs protection, nicely describes how strongly he feels. I'd like him to force himself to more logically come to the desertion decision. That's a valley of his emotion.
The second mountain of emotions is the desertion it self. Here, I'd like to see less of the general but his own thought process, in a semi-logical, less dream like manner. Yes, refer to the general but make it more his own.
He becomes calm again, before yet another vision causes more up and down emotions and sustained passionate emotion. Again, decisions seem to be made for him, not by him. I'd like to see him be somewhat in control although I think I understand what you are doing.
He is told the desertion decisions is foolish, he doesn't come to the decision himself, after her prodding.
my mind ricocheting inwardly, a tornado of warring thoughts.
my mind ricocheting, a tornado of warring thoughts.
(I don't like adverbs but especially this one and it couldn't ricochet "outwardly" could it? I like the rest of the sentence.
A great,impassioned chapter, very difficult to sustain. That's why I see the need to cull any words unneeded.
Excellent work on a tough assignment, Jay.
PS: I'm getting back to reading after my unpacking, etc. days. I had already read this and was penning my response when I got you note asking if I'd read it.
Thanks, and sorry to be so wordy. Time for fish and chips.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2014
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THANK YOU for being so wordy. All good advise. I know what you mean about the General. And it's a bit choppy because of the division of view point. What I'll have to do is let this go through the post process, paste your WONDERFUL advise in my folder and go over it at a later date when I can see it a little more objectively. Thanks again. God, fish and chips sounds good.
Comment from GWHARGIS
I saved this six for you. You said you were working on this chapter and it was giving you a hard time. I knew it would be worth the wait. It was written with such passion. I love the inner turmoil of Doctrex. His own mind trying to convince him that he was just over tired at one point was perfect. I loved how he saw himself in the window's reflection. I can only imagine his shock at the sight. Your description was both terrifying and fantastic. Great job.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2014
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I saved this six for you. You said you were working on this chapter and it was giving you a hard time. I knew it would be worth the wait. It was written with such passion. I love the inner turmoil of Doctrex. His own mind trying to convince him that he was just over tired at one point was perfect. I loved how he saw himself in the window's reflection. I can only imagine his shock at the sight. Your description was both terrifying and fantastic. Great job.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2014
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Bless you, for your extra-special reward. You made the extra work on this chapter worthwhile, Gretchen. I was so worried about it, afraid it didn't resolve enough of the open questions to give the reader a feeling of completion along with a yearning to continue on with the second book. Another thing I worried about was whether his dissolution might render him a weakling in the reader's mind. That was why I separated the General from Doctrex, making them really two separate characters. Then, when he "healed" was when the "General" part of him was reintroduced. Thanks again. I SO appreciate your loyalty to The Trining.