A Mother's Crime
A public service warning27 total reviews
Comment from Ridley Williams
Hi Lance,
Thanks for the disclaimer, lol, that was great! Nice job building the suspense throughout the story. Good development of character, and nice flow to the read..it moved well to the ironic ending. Goes to show, you just never know...lol.
Best of luck with this excellent entry, Bill
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2014
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Hi Lance,
Thanks for the disclaimer, lol, that was great! Nice job building the suspense throughout the story. Good development of character, and nice flow to the read..it moved well to the ironic ending. Goes to show, you just never know...lol.
Best of luck with this excellent entry, Bill
Comment Written 30-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2014
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Thank you very much, Bill.
Comment from SaluteDobby
Well done, Lancellot! I loved the irony- her mom helped deliver her baby by C-section with the knife that she had stolen earlier, with an intention of killing her mom. When I read the bit where she bends over to wipe away the pee (is it actually her water breaking?), I thought that she would be stabbed by the knife, (perhaps protruding from her pocket). That would have been poetic justice, eh? :)
Liked the portrayal of her character; the dialogues seem very realistic. :)
Regards,
Namratha
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Well done, Lancellot! I loved the irony- her mom helped deliver her baby by C-section with the knife that she had stolen earlier, with an intention of killing her mom. When I read the bit where she bends over to wipe away the pee (is it actually her water breaking?), I thought that she would be stabbed by the knife, (perhaps protruding from her pocket). That would have been poetic justice, eh? :)
Liked the portrayal of her character; the dialogues seem very realistic. :)
Regards,
Namratha
Comment Written 27-Aug-2014
Comment from w.j.debi
Looks the baby did not agree with assassination. This is an interesting twist and certainly a thriller. Love your author notes! You build the suspense well and tell a complete tale in so few words. Well executed. (I couldn't resist) Good luck in the contest.
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Looks the baby did not agree with assassination. This is an interesting twist and certainly a thriller. Love your author notes! You build the suspense well and tell a complete tale in so few words. Well executed. (I couldn't resist) Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from Drew Delaney
So another woman used a kitchen knife to deliver the baby? The woman from behind the heavy steel door? Or did the mother actually do it herself? I am a little confused here. Sorry about that. Nice contender in the contest.
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So another woman used a kitchen knife to deliver the baby? The woman from behind the heavy steel door? Or did the mother actually do it herself? I am a little confused here. Sorry about that. Nice contender in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from nelliesellie
The pregnant woman wanted to kill her rival. The rival ended up killing her. Her baby will have a family though Her rival managed to save the baby. I was a girl, but I don't think it will be a problem. Great work. Good luck in the contest.
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The pregnant woman wanted to kill her rival. The rival ended up killing her. Her baby will have a family though Her rival managed to save the baby. I was a girl, but I don't think it will be a problem. Great work. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from AAud
Great karmic tale! This is what happens when you don't think things through. LOL
The voice of the main character was done really well. You could feel her negativity.
I enjoyed your story and even loved your author notes that no mothers or babies were hurt!
Only one typo - Dunkin Doughnuts is actually Dunkin "Donuts".
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Great karmic tale! This is what happens when you don't think things through. LOL
The voice of the main character was done really well. You could feel her negativity.
I enjoyed your story and even loved your author notes that no mothers or babies were hurt!
Only one typo - Dunkin Doughnuts is actually Dunkin "Donuts".
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A pretty gory tale you have penned for this horror contest. It seems to me that it would benefit from a bit more suspense in the first part, but that is just my opinion. I wish you luck in the contest, my friend~Debbie
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A pretty gory tale you have penned for this horror contest. It seems to me that it would benefit from a bit more suspense in the first part, but that is just my opinion. I wish you luck in the contest, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from Leineco
Whoa! Great twist at the end. . .knife pre-destined to deal out vengeance wielded to perform emergency cesarian delivery by intended victim! Cool!
You did a great job establishing the "on the edge" personality of the assassin with phrases like No tramp is gonna take your daddy away from us. and "Jeff wants a son, Momma, and I'm going to give him one.". I could clearly perceive her mental instability.
The exit door opening abruptly (while the perpetrator was bent over-head first -behind it) was pure physical serendipity! Eliciting an involuntary OOff! from this reader :-)
Great short piece!! Best of luck in the contest :-)
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Whoa! Great twist at the end. . .knife pre-destined to deal out vengeance wielded to perform emergency cesarian delivery by intended victim! Cool!
You did a great job establishing the "on the edge" personality of the assassin with phrases like No tramp is gonna take your daddy away from us. and "Jeff wants a son, Momma, and I'm going to give him one.". I could clearly perceive her mental instability.
The exit door opening abruptly (while the perpetrator was bent over-head first -behind it) was pure physical serendipity! Eliciting an involuntary OOff! from this reader :-)
Great short piece!! Best of luck in the contest :-)
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from Linda Engel
Boy what a twist, gripping story and would make a good start for a full blown short story. good character build and just enough information without being wordy. very good and good entry. think about the short story.
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Boy what a twist, gripping story and would make a good start for a full blown short story. good character build and just enough information without being wordy. very good and good entry. think about the short story.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014
Comment from Nosha17
Scary story, I'm not too fond of thrillers, hut it was well written and you created tension with your words. Good descriptive language, strong story line, with a twist in the tail. Good luck in the contest. Faye
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Scary story, I'm not too fond of thrillers, hut it was well written and you created tension with your words. Good descriptive language, strong story line, with a twist in the tail. Good luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 26-Aug-2014