THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "POINT OF THE PREMONITION (Pt 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
23 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
he knows the sound from his earthly world?? that is unexpected! can't wait to see what it is and what it reminds him of. the chapter ran fast, from a scene to a scene, the attack was sudden and very surprising, so i think you did your job well :)
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
  |
he knows the sound from his earthly world?? that is unexpected! can't wait to see what it is and what it reminds him of. the chapter ran fast, from a scene to a scene, the attack was sudden and very surprising, so i think you did your job well :)
Comment Written 23-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
-
Maybe I should take a look at that "sound from his earthly world". It's so easy to let an anachronism or other stupid fact creep in, leaving the writer blushing.
Comment from Dashjianta
And still Doctrex doesn't take his advice and tries to sound the brothers out instead of coming out and talking about his vision. They both seem happy enough, though, and I think if they had any major concerns they would have told him, or not being able to hide them.
The brothers showed good instinct, anticipating potential danger, and Doctrex has learned enough to take the time to plan and set up a chain of command.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
"It's not like it was a secret. You know." Giln smiled.
--Should his dialogue be one sentence?
"Do you find the idea frightening, Sheleck?"
"But we knew you before you were our general, sir."
--Is there a 'No' or a head shake missing, or is Sheleck deliberately not answering?
His position was quickly filled and two automatic crossbowmen from the first rank and one from behind and the three trained their bows on the gullies and released a volley of arrows onto a hidden target.
--I'm not understanding this sentence. Are you saying that one moved forward, so there were two automatic crossbowmen in the front rank and one behind? If so you need to tweak it clarify--I think it's the first 'and' throwing it off.
The Pomnots, for all their brutish strength(,) were stoic in their dying.
No human or quasi-human had a voice box this powerful. This had to be a beast of an altogether different nature.
--Is 'this' (both instances) the correct tense? They jumped out at me as being wrong.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2015
|
And still Doctrex doesn't take his advice and tries to sound the brothers out instead of coming out and talking about his vision. They both seem happy enough, though, and I think if they had any major concerns they would have told him, or not being able to hide them.
The brothers showed good instinct, anticipating potential danger, and Doctrex has learned enough to take the time to plan and set up a chain of command.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
"It's not like it was a secret. You know." Giln smiled.
--Should his dialogue be one sentence?
"Do you find the idea frightening, Sheleck?"
"But we knew you before you were our general, sir."
--Is there a 'No' or a head shake missing, or is Sheleck deliberately not answering?
His position was quickly filled and two automatic crossbowmen from the first rank and one from behind and the three trained their bows on the gullies and released a volley of arrows onto a hidden target.
--I'm not understanding this sentence. Are you saying that one moved forward, so there were two automatic crossbowmen in the front rank and one behind? If so you need to tweak it clarify--I think it's the first 'and' throwing it off.
The Pomnots, for all their brutish strength(,) were stoic in their dying.
No human or quasi-human had a voice box this powerful. This had to be a beast of an altogether different nature.
--Is 'this' (both instances) the correct tense? They jumped out at me as being wrong.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2015
-
Good. Some fine meaty suggestions and observations. The kind I need and love to have. Thanks, Alex. I'll take them into the next edit. You should be just about caught up, no?
-
Yup. All caught up.
Now I need to get back to my editing. Don't want to--getting a bit bored with it, and worried I'm mucking it up--but I know if I stop it'll be hard to start again so...onwards I go. At least I'm on the last chapter (15 scenes long) but the next scene is one of my longest at 2.7k words. And, going by a first read through, its one that's in need a lot of tidy up work in terms of descriptions and stuff. Ughh. And I'm procrastinating. Better make a start.
-
How I know that demon procrastination! We're best buds. I must begin the final chapters of The Trining. The reason I've been holding back on that is because they've already been written to completion, but stupidly not backed up and were lost. But I can only play the "stupid" card so many times before I start believing it. Must put fingers to keys.
-
You'll get there. Once you get past the initial hurdle it'll start to flow--just got to push through all the doubt, disappointment and all that stuff first, and focus on one wee paragraph at a time. It's worth it--you've got a good story and it deserves to be finished--look at is a chance to do a super edit, rather than being forced to rewrite something you've done before. And if it doesn't come out right to start with, you can always edit it again. (I'll stop with the annoying advice now--just the sort of stuff I tell myself when I'm making excuses not to do anything.)
-
Don't EVER think your advise is annoying. I appreciate the wisdom and the friendship that lies behind it. You have the right idea. Take it one paragraph at a time and stay with the honesty of the character.
Perhaps I should adopt the attitude Hemingway must have when Gertrude Stein handed him back the manuscript of his first big novel with the words, "Start over, and concentrate this time."
-
Concentrate this time--I like that :)
I managed to get 2/3rds of my scene done. Just got the hard bit left. I had a habit of head jumping when I first started writing Jared. Thought I'd stopped doing it part way through the first book, but apparently not. Argh. Getting there though.
-
I meant to tell you, I don't get any prompts that I have email. I know some people are alerted on their smart phone. My cell is dumb, a flip-top. So I don't always think to check my emails. Don't hesitate if you send me one to notify me here. I'm never too far away from FS. How sad is that?
Comment from Twilightspire
Oh crap! It looks like Doctrex's intuition may have saved the day again.
The enemy is in a perfect spot for an ambush and Doctrex's men may not be able to fight them off due to the confining space the road has to offer. Good God!
I love how you had Doctrex doubting his vision of the Profue brothers, but still having to investigate for his own piece of mind. Getting this close to crunch time adds so much pressure and stress and you are showing that beautifully.
Onwards to the next chapter!
-T.J.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
|
Oh crap! It looks like Doctrex's intuition may have saved the day again.
The enemy is in a perfect spot for an ambush and Doctrex's men may not be able to fight them off due to the confining space the road has to offer. Good God!
I love how you had Doctrex doubting his vision of the Profue brothers, but still having to investigate for his own piece of mind. Getting this close to crunch time adds so much pressure and stress and you are showing that beautifully.
Onwards to the next chapter!
-T.J.
Comment Written 13-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2014
-
Interesting. Some readers were concerned that Doctrex was becoming arrogant in his refusal to lend himself to Giln's Prmonition.
Comment from Fridayauthor
Very good chapter with a high degree of tension. Nicely written and I found no mistakes. I liked the dialog.
I'm not sure I'm not reading a little out of sequence so I'm going back...
Busy week and I'm getting behind...
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
|
Very good chapter with a high degree of tension. Nicely written and I found no mistakes. I liked the dialog.
I'm not sure I'm not reading a little out of sequence so I'm going back...
Busy week and I'm getting behind...
Comment Written 06-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
-
Yes, I think you did read it out of order, but I'm happy you found it entertaining and preparatory for the next chapter.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. Another well done chpater. I could find no obvious SPAG, though I wm weak in that area:-) I am glad Doctrex toook heded of the changing landscape, many an army have fallen victum to maps being wonr. I wonder what is coming, something not quite human and not quite animal? Whatever it is, I am scrolling through my in box to find the next chapter.
padumachitta
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
|
Hi. Another well done chpater. I could find no obvious SPAG, though I wm weak in that area:-) I am glad Doctrex toook heded of the changing landscape, many an army have fallen victum to maps being wonr. I wonder what is coming, something not quite human and not quite animal? Whatever it is, I am scrolling through my in box to find the next chapter.
padumachitta
Comment Written 06-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2014
-
I'm thrilled you liked this chapter and finished by rushing into the next one. Away from Fan Story, this and the next two posts would be part of one long chapter. You know how that goes.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Very graphic description of te attack. I could visualize every moment. Great subtle gestures that helped me view every moment during the talk and the then the attack. I could feel the blood pumping in their veins and then the quickening in their pulses. Good job. But then I have only come to expect the best from Jay. Gretchen
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
 |
Very graphic description of te attack. I could visualize every moment. Great subtle gestures that helped me view every moment during the talk and the then the attack. I could feel the blood pumping in their veins and then the quickening in their pulses. Good job. But then I have only come to expect the best from Jay. Gretchen
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
-
Gretchen, you are so kind with your reviews. Thank you so much for the 6 stars. You made my evening! I think you'll like where this is going.
Comment from Writingfundimension
This chapter is definitely powerfully descriptive, Jay. The beginning was a good foreshadowing of the horror to follow. Really well done, my friend. :) Bev
Suggestion:
'Nothing to worry about up there... Up there (perhaps Ahead to avoid redundancy?
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
|
This chapter is definitely powerfully descriptive, Jay. The beginning was a good foreshadowing of the horror to follow. Really well done, my friend. :) Bev
Suggestion:
'Nothing to worry about up there... Up there (perhaps Ahead to avoid redundancy?
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
-
Thanks for that insight, Bev. I left the first "up there" alone since it referred to "up the mountainside"; The second "up there" I changed to "up ahead". It does read better. See what an asset you are? I appreciate your kind words and the foreshadowing comment.
-
Hey, that makes sense, as I suspected it did. Glad I could offer a bit of a different perspective that worked out okay. :)
Comment from lindalcreel
I have a feeling they are going to be attacked until they actually find Rheuther. Doctrix will surely lose more of his soldiers, but hopefully, they won't buckle under his command. We'll see whatever tricks Rheuther has up his sleeves.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
|
I have a feeling they are going to be attacked until they actually find Rheuther. Doctrix will surely lose more of his soldiers, but hopefully, they won't buckle under his command. We'll see whatever tricks Rheuther has up his sleeves.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
-
Oh, yes, you'll see next time just what Rhuether has up his sleeves. I think you're gonna like it--particularly the next couple of chapters.
-
Looking forward to reading them. I'm a bit behind. Was caught up in the elections on Tuesday and stayed up way too late. Still trying to get some editing done and my reading is behind.
Comment from krprice
The road we followed. . . That was according to the map, but according to my inner gauge,...
Try to avoid words like saw, felt, smelled, and heard.
"And when we join with the. . . Plain of Dzur. . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
|
The road we followed. . . That was according to the map, but according to my inner gauge,...
Try to avoid words like saw, felt, smelled, and heard.
"And when we join with the. . . Plain of Dzur. . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 05-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2014
-
Thank you, Karlene. I'm pleased you enjoyed it. Thanks ... and a hearty thank you for staying with me so long. Are we a couple? LOL, I appreciate it.
-
No, not a couple. My hubby won't appreciate that.
Karlene
-
I caught the misspell of PLAIN of Dzur. Thanks for catching that, and also the missed comma after Gauge.
Comment from innerworlds
Definitely suspenseful! But I'm still disappointed with Doctrex's gullibility. Too many lives depend on him being alert and cautious.
Yet I also understand that he is not the battle hardened, well trained commander he has been forced to portray, and thus his ordinary-human side often shows through. He is a man doing the best he can in a dangerous and confusing situation. Just the same, I have no doubt that he will find a way to triumph over Glot and his evil ... but getting there is a bit hair-raising! Especially since Doctrex should have stopped everyone the moment he doubted the map. GRRRRR. (Can you tell that your writing is so good that I get pulled into the story as if it were real?) Nice work.
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2014
|
Definitely suspenseful! But I'm still disappointed with Doctrex's gullibility. Too many lives depend on him being alert and cautious.
Yet I also understand that he is not the battle hardened, well trained commander he has been forced to portray, and thus his ordinary-human side often shows through. He is a man doing the best he can in a dangerous and confusing situation. Just the same, I have no doubt that he will find a way to triumph over Glot and his evil ... but getting there is a bit hair-raising! Especially since Doctrex should have stopped everyone the moment he doubted the map. GRRRRR. (Can you tell that your writing is so good that I get pulled into the story as if it were real?) Nice work.
Comment Written 04-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2014
-
I'm glad you feel that way about Doctrex. He recognized in himself, as I explained to Bev, that he was leading by-the-seat-of-his-pants. He was not trained to be a military man, let alone a General. You weren't here in Book II (correct me if I'm wrong), when the Council of Twelve commissioned him as General based on his eloquent presentation that was merely attempting to get them to let him enlist as a fighting man for the Kabeezan Army. How many times have you overheard him telling himself what a fraud he was?
Randi, you are so good at dissecting and putting back together plot and character. You are not allowed to get sick any more, okay? I need you here.
Thank you for honoring this with the 6!
Jay
