A Road Taken
A time traveller's trip requires another trip.11 total reviews
Comment from Tatarka2
I'm going to be out of 6's soon this week, but this is just too good not to give one. Congratulations on winning this contest. It is so well-deserved. This is a stunning story. I learned things I didn't know, it is well-told and formatted, and such a unique choice for this prompt.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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I'm going to be out of 6's soon this week, but this is just too good not to give one. Congratulations on winning this contest. It is so well-deserved. This is a stunning story. I learned things I didn't know, it is well-told and formatted, and such a unique choice for this prompt.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Your kind words and high rating are much appreciated. Thank you so much. Since I'm a history nut, the story seemed A-OK
for the prompt. It gave me a reason for research. Good luck in your own writing efforts.
Comment from Adri7enne
Terrific story, and darn well told. You left a lot for the reader to imagine - does the protagonist return to his own time or does he die with the Donners??? It works well in this case. You really kept me on scene all the way through. It's an interesting concept. I would be quite a quandry - to know what will eventually happen, yet to feel that history must take its course. A good win, Howard 11. Congratulations!
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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Terrific story, and darn well told. You left a lot for the reader to imagine - does the protagonist return to his own time or does he die with the Donners??? It works well in this case. You really kept me on scene all the way through. It's an interesting concept. I would be quite a quandry - to know what will eventually happen, yet to feel that history must take its course. A good win, Howard 11. Congratulations!
Comment Written 04-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2015
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Glad you liked the story. Thank you for the appreciation and the stars. If I ever figure out a decent ending, I'll write a sequel...if not, Robert's problem is permanently headed to California. Good luck in your writing.
Comment from Judy Couch
This is outstanding. It's well written. It tells a little bit of history along with the fiction. It's easy to identify with Robert and his feelings about these people that he thought he already knew.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2015
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This is outstanding. It's well written. It tells a little bit of history along with the fiction. It's easy to identify with Robert and his feelings about these people that he thought he already knew.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2015
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Glad you enjoyed the story. Many thanks for the kind words and stars. Good luck in your future writing.
Comment from Cariboubill
Beautiful writing. I love science fiction and when it is based on history, so much the better. You have addressed the problems of time travel. Well done.
....Bill
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2015
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Beautiful writing. I love science fiction and when it is based on history, so much the better. You have addressed the problems of time travel. Well done.
....Bill
Comment Written 03-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2015
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Thank you. For a history nut, the fun of the writing was fitting in researched facts. Good luck in your own writing.
Comment from rama devi
Wonderful! I love time travel! (...and was a trekkie as a teen, so the Cap't Kirk references gave me a chuckle or two). You're a gifted storyteller, and the story is very well written as far as plot, characterization, deep POV and sentence structure are concerned. Masterful, even! The detailed descriptive brings the scenes to life. The dialog sounds authentic, and also enhances characterization.
However, while this did win the contest, it still needs a lot of work in terms of proofing and copy editing, line by line. Lots of nits--mostly related to commas (especially in dialog, where you keep using a comma with an action tag, which requires a period). Normally, with couple dozen small spag nits, I'd give a piece three stars. However, since the story woudl otherwise be a six, I'm giving four.
I'll be happy to upgrade the rating if you fix any of the obvious spag errors. Some of the suggestions below are optional, of course, but many are 'corrections'. I thought your story totally worth giving the time and attention for a polish. Hope you agree, and make some changes!
NOTES
*I was on the ground, looking up at a wood platform which I had painfully challenged with my head
Use THAT instead of WHICH (or use a comma after which)
* He seemed 50(fifty) or so, medium length dark brown hair,
*I requested my antagonist lower his weapon. "I'm unarmed, not even a knife."
Why tell the request separately from the dialog? May I suggest:
I looked at my antagonist. "Please lower your weapon. I'm unarmed, not even a knife."
*both possibly in their early 20s (twenties).
*There were at least seven I could see from my seat.
Consider trimming and tightening. Example"
*I could see at least seven from my seat.
* The shirt was a gift from my 9(nine)-year-old son who worried about me aging when I became 30(thirty).
*
"Pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Grant." Turning her head and raising her voice, (she called) "Mary, bring some hot water." She turned back to me. "My father's
* Just short of sundown, a hunting party of 8-9(eight or nine) redskins surrounded me,
* Regrettably, my current traveling companions were the ill-fated group of 80(eighty)-plus American pioneers who became(had become) trapped by deep snow in the Sierra Madre Mountains.
*Harsh winter conditions(,) combatted with little food and shelter(,) killed 36(thirty six) of the group.
*
I devoured the food fast, set the plate aside, and(delete AND) rose to my feet and walked to the other side of the wagon.
I devoured the food fast, set the plate aside, rose to my feet and walked to the other side of the wagon.
*Coffee still in hand.(,) I scanned the nearby peaks.
*I shook my head and looked up at the sky,(.) "Why have you done this to me? Why here?" (ADD LINE BREAK HERE) My complaining to the Almighty was cut short by human voice, "Mr. Grant, where are you?"
Back around the wagon, I found Mary Ann clutching a pair of second-hand boots. Next to her was another girl in her early teens. "This is Mary Murphy. The boots belong to her brother Lemuel. He's big for his age, especially his feet." Sarah's joking sister had evidently misplaced her shyness. The younger Mary giggled.
* Feeling more at home, (I asked) "Mary Ann. Do you think I could have some more coffee?(")
* After she took a breath, she said, "Mister, Mary Ann is bringing your coffee."
*
Mary Ann passed me the cup,(.) "I have to walk Mary back to her wagon. Her mother's looking for her. Then I have to help Sarah. See you later, Mr. Grant. Let's go Mary."
*Sadly, my benefactor, 12(twelve)-year-old Lemuel Murphy would soon be dead.
*
Mary Murphy, 13(thirteen), would attain additional notoriety in her life.
* A valued community member(,) she died at 35(thirty five).
*The sleek ebony jet was an incredible flying machine which(THAT) still holds several speed records.
*It flew coast to coast in 67(sixty seven) minutes.
*After a few minutes(,) he walked off carrying the fresh meat.
*Sarah gave a hug to the remaining man(,) who was probably her husband.
*When the talking ceased Sarah brought him over,(.) "Mr. Grant, this is my husband, Jay Fosdick. Just returned from hunting."
I reached out my hand and shook his,(.) "How you doing? Any luck finding game?"
*Spacing typo--no space before period:
"Mr. Graves, you have a fine family. And it's kind of you to make such an offer. "
*
He laughed,(.) "Wait 'til you meet the rest of the brood. I have nine children.
* I knew his namesake, 5(five)-year-old Franklin Jr. would die after being rescued, and so would his wife and a 1(one)-year-old daughter.
*This generous family man(,) who took me in, was going to die Christmas day in the Sierra Madres.
* Trying to get back to Fort Bridger would be near impossible and(,) if I made it, I might be faced with a similar circumstance.
*
"You know(,) Sarah(,) you can call be Robert."
*
"Children and a farm. It will be our first, and only(,) home,(--) if you don't count the wagon.
*
"I can remember a few. My favorite are(:) 'Standing on a hill in my mountains of dreams ... telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.'"
Warm welcome to FS. This is the first work I've read of yours, and I am sure to read more, as I am becoming a fan. However, lease note that I am no longer very active here, and visit only in rare spurts to review.
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015
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Wonderful! I love time travel! (...and was a trekkie as a teen, so the Cap't Kirk references gave me a chuckle or two). You're a gifted storyteller, and the story is very well written as far as plot, characterization, deep POV and sentence structure are concerned. Masterful, even! The detailed descriptive brings the scenes to life. The dialog sounds authentic, and also enhances characterization.
However, while this did win the contest, it still needs a lot of work in terms of proofing and copy editing, line by line. Lots of nits--mostly related to commas (especially in dialog, where you keep using a comma with an action tag, which requires a period). Normally, with couple dozen small spag nits, I'd give a piece three stars. However, since the story woudl otherwise be a six, I'm giving four.
I'll be happy to upgrade the rating if you fix any of the obvious spag errors. Some of the suggestions below are optional, of course, but many are 'corrections'. I thought your story totally worth giving the time and attention for a polish. Hope you agree, and make some changes!
NOTES
*I was on the ground, looking up at a wood platform which I had painfully challenged with my head
Use THAT instead of WHICH (or use a comma after which)
* He seemed 50(fifty) or so, medium length dark brown hair,
*I requested my antagonist lower his weapon. "I'm unarmed, not even a knife."
Why tell the request separately from the dialog? May I suggest:
I looked at my antagonist. "Please lower your weapon. I'm unarmed, not even a knife."
*both possibly in their early 20s (twenties).
*There were at least seven I could see from my seat.
Consider trimming and tightening. Example"
*I could see at least seven from my seat.
* The shirt was a gift from my 9(nine)-year-old son who worried about me aging when I became 30(thirty).
*
"Pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Grant." Turning her head and raising her voice, (she called) "Mary, bring some hot water." She turned back to me. "My father's
* Just short of sundown, a hunting party of 8-9(eight or nine) redskins surrounded me,
* Regrettably, my current traveling companions were the ill-fated group of 80(eighty)-plus American pioneers who became(had become) trapped by deep snow in the Sierra Madre Mountains.
*Harsh winter conditions(,) combatted with little food and shelter(,) killed 36(thirty six) of the group.
*
I devoured the food fast, set the plate aside, and(delete AND) rose to my feet and walked to the other side of the wagon.
I devoured the food fast, set the plate aside, rose to my feet and walked to the other side of the wagon.
*Coffee still in hand.(,) I scanned the nearby peaks.
*I shook my head and looked up at the sky,(.) "Why have you done this to me? Why here?" (ADD LINE BREAK HERE) My complaining to the Almighty was cut short by human voice, "Mr. Grant, where are you?"
Back around the wagon, I found Mary Ann clutching a pair of second-hand boots. Next to her was another girl in her early teens. "This is Mary Murphy. The boots belong to her brother Lemuel. He's big for his age, especially his feet." Sarah's joking sister had evidently misplaced her shyness. The younger Mary giggled.
* Feeling more at home, (I asked) "Mary Ann. Do you think I could have some more coffee?(")
* After she took a breath, she said, "Mister, Mary Ann is bringing your coffee."
*
Mary Ann passed me the cup,(.) "I have to walk Mary back to her wagon. Her mother's looking for her. Then I have to help Sarah. See you later, Mr. Grant. Let's go Mary."
*Sadly, my benefactor, 12(twelve)-year-old Lemuel Murphy would soon be dead.
*
Mary Murphy, 13(thirteen), would attain additional notoriety in her life.
* A valued community member(,) she died at 35(thirty five).
*The sleek ebony jet was an incredible flying machine which(THAT) still holds several speed records.
*It flew coast to coast in 67(sixty seven) minutes.
*After a few minutes(,) he walked off carrying the fresh meat.
*Sarah gave a hug to the remaining man(,) who was probably her husband.
*When the talking ceased Sarah brought him over,(.) "Mr. Grant, this is my husband, Jay Fosdick. Just returned from hunting."
I reached out my hand and shook his,(.) "How you doing? Any luck finding game?"
*Spacing typo--no space before period:
"Mr. Graves, you have a fine family. And it's kind of you to make such an offer. "
*
He laughed,(.) "Wait 'til you meet the rest of the brood. I have nine children.
* I knew his namesake, 5(five)-year-old Franklin Jr. would die after being rescued, and so would his wife and a 1(one)-year-old daughter.
*This generous family man(,) who took me in, was going to die Christmas day in the Sierra Madres.
* Trying to get back to Fort Bridger would be near impossible and(,) if I made it, I might be faced with a similar circumstance.
*
"You know(,) Sarah(,) you can call be Robert."
*
"Children and a farm. It will be our first, and only(,) home,(--) if you don't count the wagon.
*
"I can remember a few. My favorite are(:) 'Standing on a hill in my mountains of dreams ... telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.'"
Warm welcome to FS. This is the first work I've read of yours, and I am sure to read more, as I am becoming a fan. However, lease note that I am no longer very active here, and visit only in rare spurts to review.
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015
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Appreciate the time you must have spent with my story. Thank you for the keen eye and resulting suggestions. They won't be ignored.
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Yay! Glad to hear it. Warm Smiles, rd
Comment from kiwijenny
Wow this is tough
To time travel and land with such a dire circumstance
Maybe his time travel will cause a difference
Well done ...congrats on the win
God bless
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015
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Wow this is tough
To time travel and land with such a dire circumstance
Maybe his time travel will cause a difference
Well done ...congrats on the win
God bless
Comment Written 02-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015
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Happy you liked it. Sometimes a story must end in maybe. Good luck in your own writing and thank you.
Comment from Contests
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015
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 A contest winning entry! A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for posting the winning contest entry. |
Comment Written 02-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015
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Thank you!
Comment from BreeVree
I love time travel stories where real history is weaved into the telling. I think it says a lot about a writer that they can take an historical person, and give them life and personality. Well done.
If this is a short story, it needs a conclusion. Does he stay? Does he go? Does he get clonked on the head again and return to his camping trip? If it's the beginning of a bigger work - YAY! Because it feels like the beginning of a ripper read to me!
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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I love time travel stories where real history is weaved into the telling. I think it says a lot about a writer that they can take an historical person, and give them life and personality. Well done.
If this is a short story, it needs a conclusion. Does he stay? Does he go? Does he get clonked on the head again and return to his camping trip? If it's the beginning of a bigger work - YAY! Because it feels like the beginning of a ripper read to me!
Comment Written 24-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2015
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Happy you enjoyed the story and much thanks for the five stars. Original ending had traveler returning to his Texas camping
trip, but an impish little voice told me to leave the ending hanging for the readers. Good luck in your writing efforts.
Comment from lancellot
It is a well written and good story. It just seems rushed, but I know if you added another 1000 words that would be a problem with readers. Well done
note
["]Mister, get out from under there!"
- add
Four wheels supported the platform.
-space-
"Son, come on out. You're bleeding.
I adlibbed to explain my presence, "Indians took everything I had including my horses. Don't know why they let me keep my hair."
- this line seems odd considering later you say he has no idea how he got there and when. You skipped confusion, and denial, and went straight to acceptance and adapting.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2015
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It is a well written and good story. It just seems rushed, but I know if you added another 1000 words that would be a problem with readers. Well done
note
["]Mister, get out from under there!"
- add
Four wheels supported the platform.
-space-
"Son, come on out. You're bleeding.
I adlibbed to explain my presence, "Indians took everything I had including my horses. Don't know why they let me keep my hair."
- this line seems odd considering later you say he has no idea how he got there and when. You skipped confusion, and denial, and went straight to acceptance and adapting.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2015
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Thank you for your appreciation, the high rating and the suggestions. I am guilty of finishing fast. In my mind I was driven by
story urgency brought on because Donner had made the fatal route decision, forcing a quick decision from Grant. My attempt to build suspense could of used more words, but I thought readers were ready for an answer. Thank you again for your suggestions and good luck in your own writing.
Comment from cbat
I grew up hearing stories about the donner party.
It is a story we tend to skirt around. Most people do not want details.
Your choice and the pleasant surprise of time travel get me caught up in the story. I am afraid of the next chapter.
I hope to read more.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2015
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I grew up hearing stories about the donner party.
It is a story we tend to skirt around. Most people do not want details.
Your choice and the pleasant surprise of time travel get me caught up in the story. I am afraid of the next chapter.
I hope to read more.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2015
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Thank you for the appreciative words and rating. It's the lesser known stories that make history fascinating to me. Good luck in your own writing.
