Comment from Judgement Dave

Excellent

Enjoyed it but felt it showed it's hand too soon with both the image and the name "Succ". So much so, that I thought there was going to be a twist where Luca wasn't human - maybe Incubus even.

I'd suggest maybe change the name - Suki or Sook or something similar to Succ but not quite as blatant a signal for those versed in the myth of the succubus.

Liked the line "Slurping the spurting blood like a greedy pig at a trough."

Must also admit to being a bit thick and not feeling like I'm quite getting the last sentence... Obviously Kim and Luca are both dead now, so is it just a meeting of spirits or is Kim becoming a succubus? I think it's the fact that Kim is "following Succ's instructions" that I feel may have some meaning I'm missing.

Must also admit that I've now done you a few reviews, partly as I felt bad over YHP and thought I'd be able to show I'm not just trying to pee on peoples metaphorical bonfires... And I've really enjoyed Snake's Breath and the one about Billy's death - so much so it's why I thought I'd try another of yours (suspecting that you may be the first person I actually become a 'fan' of on here). This one is good, but I personally thought the second half (inside the caravan) didn't feel like it flowed quite as well as your other writing. Trying to put my finger on exactly why, I think it actually feels like it rushes as if too eager to get to the gore. It's not off by much, but enough to feel noticeable to me.

Hope you take these comments as intended - it's a good story, but I felt a few tweaks would make it better.

Cheers
JD

 Comment Written 02-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015

Hi Dave. Yes I could have taken more time with the name. I just thought of those readers that were not quite sure and made it blatant.

I left the reader in the air wondering, I think Kim is after a little eternal revenge on her killer. I may want to write a follow up.

More descriptive detail is needed in the last half. But we have to remember that there is a five hundred word limit. This started off at over 900 words so I have probably lost it there. I will have a go at it. A little smoothing off is also needed

I appreciated you taking the time to review my work.

:) Mel

Comment from petalangela

Excellent

I saw the warnings only after I had begun to read this work. But it would not have urged me to read or to ignore the read. The story line is brilliant it one of revenge and justice rolled into one. I enjoyed that aspect of the read the rest was window dressing.

 Comment Written 09-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015

Thank you petalangela. This type of story is not everyone's cup of tea, so I wrote it tongue in cheek. A little humour among the gore. lol.

I do greatly appreciate your review. :) Mel.

Comment from Pearl Edwards

Excellent

For an experimental write you did a great job. A very different tiny tale of terror, and this really was terror for lecherous Luca. In the end I wasn't sure who to barrack for, but I enjoyed the read. A great addition to this book.

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2015

Thank you Pearl. I'm so pleased that you enjoyed my little tale.

Your review is much appreciated.

:) Mel.

Comment from Bill Schott

Excellent

A gruesome and enjoyable story. The details of the degenitalization process was intense. I could feel the poor slobs pain. Ouch! The storyline, being brief, leaves me a little confused. Is the girl, Kim, also the succubus? The final line also confuses me. Is Luca to continue suffering and meet this way again? I am left wondering.

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2015

Thank you Bill. No Kim was just a girl Luca casually murdered, who contacted him through Succ. It is quite a job to explain everything in 500 words and tell a story too. Is Luca to continue to suffer through meeting Kim again? I have no idea, we will have to wait and see.

You are left wondering, that's intentional. If you are confused then that means that perhaps I've gone wrong somewhere.

Your review is much appreciated.

:) Mel.

Comment from Gunner Lil

Excellent

An enjoyable short story. The description of your characters is very good.
Dialogue is good, but did slow the action down a bit.
Flash Shorts are always fun to write and read.
Thank you for an easy read.

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2015

Thank you Gunner Lil. Yes, I did find the writing enjoyable too and also the one I'm writing now.

Your review is much appreciated.

:) Mel.

Comment from justafan

Excellent

Well done!! Payback is a biatch they say...You certainly proved it here.LOL. I thoroughly enjoyed this lil taste of horror. Dean has an apt pupil in you my friend.
This is a wonderful addition to the book.

Always justafan,
Missy

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2015

Thank you Missy. I'm pleased you liked it, you are most kind.

Your review is much appreciated.

:) Mel.

Comment from buggaboo4699

Excellent

This is incredibly scary and vile. I loved it. I'm pretty sure that this is every man's night made haha! Thank you for sharing!

 Comment Written 08-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2015

Thank you buggaboo. Yes my eyes did water at times during the writing. lol.

Your review is much appreciated.

:) Mel.

Comment from barkingdog

Excellent

Gory bit of writing. Old Luca got his due. I wonder how many he had killed before Kim. Succ--what a character--loves her work. ' Her vagina like a starving mouth, tugs and sucks eager to miss nothing... like a greedy pig at the trough.' LOL

One of your many gems that I like is the comparison of his cock to a rabbit up a burrow.

Very visual. Not a bed-time story. Ha-ha.

:) ellen

 Comment Written 07-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 08-Jun-2015

Hi Ellen, I'm pleased you read my tongue in cheek horror story.

Besides being my first explicit work, it's also my first real attempt at flash fiction. I felt that it was a good writing exercise (even if it did bring tears to my eyes at times) lol.

Thank you for your kind review. :) Mel.

Comment from celticeagle

Good

Interesting beginning but with grammar errors and tense problems. It does well and I think if you did a strict edit on it you could really bring it up a few rungs. Good luck to you and hope things go well for you.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 07-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Jun-2015

Thank you celticeagle, three stars is a very low rating. Perhaps you can justify this with a few examples of the grammar and tense problems.

May I point out that this has been edited from 868 words down to 490 word for word. Enlighten me please, it is expected...

Comment from Dean Kuch

Exceptional

Is this graphic and extremely violent? Yes, of course it is. Is it brutally entertaining and an engaging read from beginning to end. Yes, it's that and much more -- at least for anyone who cares enough to read between the bloody lines.

When we engage in casual sex simply for gratification, it rarely bodes well for us. Succ (loved her name, by the way, heh-heh...) taught poor lecherous Luca that lesson the hard way...no pun intended.

Great addition to the book, Mel.

A bloody bravo! ~Dean

 Comment Written 07-Jun-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Jun-2015

Thank you, Dean. I'm pleased you found it entertaining and engaging, under the gore.

When I wrote this I had no idea of the reception it would get. Indeed I half expected it to be going a little too far. For that reason I've included only two swear words. On the whole it has been received quite well.

I'm thrilled that you consider this to be a great addition to the book.

And thank you, a six from the master no less, much appreciated...

:) Mel.

reply by Dean Kuch on 07-Jun-2015

Thank you for your wonderful contribution, Mel. See, I told you it would be generally well received, given its genre. I really am grateful you got involved with our project. I hope you'll do so again in the future.

~Dean

reply by the author on 08-Jun-2015

Thank you Dean, you were right and I'm happy with the response.

I enjoyed the writing exercise and am working on another story for TTOT.

Just wondered if you have anything in mind for this series, an anthology perhaps?

:) Mel.

reply by Dean Kuch on 08-Jun-2015

Glad to hear it, Mel. My primary reasons for creating this book was to inspire others to write not only more flash fiction, but more horror flash fiction specifically.

As far as plans for more stories, I do have a couple I'm currently working out the bugs in. Thanks for asking...

Good luck on all of your future T.T.O.T. I very much appreciate your contributions.

~Dean :]