Miscellaneous stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "A Rough Night"Fiction and non-fiction prose
11 total reviews
Comment from bard owl
Ooh. That was really exciting. Being only a figment of someone's imaginative dream is a horrifying thought. And being attacked by four of the most foul terrorists in fictional history makes this exceptionally gruesome.
Your story is well-written, keeping the reader in suspense while dropping minute hints about what is actually happening. It is a super example of Halloween horror.
Best of luck in the contest.
Blessings to you,
Linda
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2015
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Ooh. That was really exciting. Being only a figment of someone's imaginative dream is a horrifying thought. And being attacked by four of the most foul terrorists in fictional history makes this exceptionally gruesome.
Your story is well-written, keeping the reader in suspense while dropping minute hints about what is actually happening. It is a super example of Halloween horror.
Best of luck in the contest.
Blessings to you,
Linda
Comment Written 06-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2015
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Thanks so much for the lovely review, Linda. I had fun playing around with the idea. Thanks for the good luck wishes too, much appreciated :)
Craig
Comment from Ric Myworld
Michael Fenwich had just been Krugerized. Fun and entertaining story that is very fitting for Halloween. Great job, and good luck. :-)
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Michael Fenwich had just been Krugerized. Fun and entertaining story that is very fitting for Halloween. Great job, and good luck. :-)
Comment Written 03-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2015
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Thanks, Ric, for the kind words and good wishes. Craig.
Comment from jpduck
What a wonderful idea! Most original and innovative. As I came towards the end, I was beginning to wonder where this was leading. Finally, it was revealed -- a dream doesn't have to lead anywhere. Well done.
Adrian
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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What a wonderful idea! Most original and innovative. As I came towards the end, I was beginning to wonder where this was leading. Finally, it was revealed -- a dream doesn't have to lead anywhere. Well done.
Adrian
Comment Written 02-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Thanks, jpduck, for your very kind words. They are much appreciated :)
Craig
Comment from ~Dovey
There was just this one line that struck me as off... but perhaps, as I got to the end it made more sense. You may want a second look at it, though:
a young man in his mid thirties stood in front of them.
You had described Michael and Paul as 'young men', and they, being Norman's contemporary, probably wouldn't think of him as a 'young man'? I'm not sure, it was just a thought. Did he really wear a cardigan? lol Too many years since I watched Psycho, I suppose.
The twist at the end was fantastic!!
Good luck in the contest!
Kim
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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There was just this one line that struck me as off... but perhaps, as I got to the end it made more sense. You may want a second look at it, though:
a young man in his mid thirties stood in front of them.
You had described Michael and Paul as 'young men', and they, being Norman's contemporary, probably wouldn't think of him as a 'young man'? I'm not sure, it was just a thought. Did he really wear a cardigan? lol Too many years since I watched Psycho, I suppose.
The twist at the end was fantastic!!
Good luck in the contest!
Kim
Comment Written 02-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Thanks, Kim, for the very nice review and the good wishes, both are much appreciated. Thanks also for picking up on the "young" thing, I've removed it.
Cheers,
Craig
Comment from c_lucas
It takes a physic to experience some one elses dreams. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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It takes a physic to experience some one elses dreams. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Thank you c_lucas, for the kind review. Your comments are much appreciated.
Craig
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You're welcome, Craig. Charlie
Comment from --Turtle.
Hey, Craig. I read through this Halloween tale with a neat little twist, one that was seeded throughout the work, had a great pace and the ending was unique. The horror of realizing you don't even exist. That's like looking into a mirror facing a mirror and trying to think about the end of the depth.
I noticed a few glitches I'm going to recommend you fix... and I made some suggestions that are for consideration, take 'em or leave 'em. You have a knack for engaging/ sparking with the readers, and that's not easy to do.
Michael Fenwick winced as he placed his hand to the side of his head. (a nice stable opening sentence, draws in curiosity, and is engaging, not passive... )He
He felt* his shoulder being shaken[,] and gingerly raised himself onto one elbow.
(Suggest to challenge a few of those 'felt and was' verbs)
Michael slowly dragged himself to his feet. His skull [felt](throbbed)? like it had
In the light of the full moon he [could make](made) out the figure of a man lying
(suggest to challenge a few of the could do's for dids)
"Paul[.](,)" Susan explained. "He got here just as old melty-face here slammed you
(fix dialogue tag punctuation here)
Michael spun, and instantly wished he hadn't, as his head [felt like it] was about to
(another felt, some of them I'd challenge for stronger verb)
Tugging it free, he passed it to Michael. "I have this(,)"[,] he explained, holding up
(fix dialogue tag punctuation)
more." Michael felt* only mild surprise at the sight of the second blood-soaked
long dark hair cascading around her shoulders, Michael [thought that](worried) he
(stronger emotion than thought?)
ready for a less than welcoming reception[".](.")
(fix dialogue quote mark/period location)
across the front of the property, and [there was] an impressive concrete stairway [leading up](led) to the house.
(Suggest you use a stronger verb than 'was' for this description)
but was probably in fact half a minute(,) passed before the door opened, and a
(fix to add the other end of the interrupt comma)
been doing prior to ten minutes ago. (strongly suggest paragraph break to clue the reader someone else is taking over in speaking) "...just heading back from the river when we had a flat tire.(,)" finished Susan. "We were wondering whether
(fix the dialogue tag punctuation)
tone that sounded matter-of-fact, not accusatory. (")Why don't you all come in?
(add the missing quote mark here)
In the foyer just inside the door to the left(,) a number of chairs were spaced
(suggest introductory element comma)
rooms, and we don't get a lot of business, but mother(Mother) enjoys having
(suggest because he is calling his mother by the name Mother, that it be capitalized. that is my mother... I call her Mother.)
"That sounds wonderful!" chirped Susan. As soon as their host [had] disappeared from view(,) she whispered urgently(,) "Paul, call the police."
(suggesting these commas and suggesting to delete the "had")
being slammed back into its cradle. (paragraph break) "Dead(,)" announced Paul.
(fix the missing
Opening his mouth to speak, Mike(Michael?) heard a blood-curdling scream from
(don't change Michael's name when it's not in dialogue. the others might call him Mike... but stick with Michael everywhere else)
Spinning around, the sight that he saw had [Michael](him) transfixed. Rushing
(He and him... Know that He is Michael... so stick with the pronoun here)
Its right arm was raised[,] and holding a huge kitchen knife. {The look on its face was pure malevolence.} (Pure malevolence contorted its face? Sometimes the action is more crisp if you use a stronger verb than was... it forces a more vivid description than the state of being, something to consider)
With the doll preparing to strike, Michael felt* himself being slammed out of the
the drop-dead gorgeous girlfriend? (A guy with a really low self esteem and no desire for heroics?)
of an hour. This is not my dream, it's Paul's! (LOL! that's a wicked spin... on I think therefore I am... so the reader is reading the experiences of a person who doesn't exist and shouldn't have any actual feelings, thus the wondering of if he is thinking and feeling inside someone else's head... does that mean he exists and is real, or that he's just a partitioned part of Paul... Like fight club?)
It sounded far off. The last thing Michael Fenwick heard as he [felt himself fading](faded) forever into oblivion
(some things for you to consider, but an entertaining read)
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Hey, Craig. I read through this Halloween tale with a neat little twist, one that was seeded throughout the work, had a great pace and the ending was unique. The horror of realizing you don't even exist. That's like looking into a mirror facing a mirror and trying to think about the end of the depth.
I noticed a few glitches I'm going to recommend you fix... and I made some suggestions that are for consideration, take 'em or leave 'em. You have a knack for engaging/ sparking with the readers, and that's not easy to do.
Michael Fenwick winced as he placed his hand to the side of his head. (a nice stable opening sentence, draws in curiosity, and is engaging, not passive... )He
He felt* his shoulder being shaken[,] and gingerly raised himself onto one elbow.
(Suggest to challenge a few of those 'felt and was' verbs)
Michael slowly dragged himself to his feet. His skull [felt](throbbed)? like it had
In the light of the full moon he [could make](made) out the figure of a man lying
(suggest to challenge a few of the could do's for dids)
"Paul[.](,)" Susan explained. "He got here just as old melty-face here slammed you
(fix dialogue tag punctuation here)
Michael spun, and instantly wished he hadn't, as his head [felt like it] was about to
(another felt, some of them I'd challenge for stronger verb)
Tugging it free, he passed it to Michael. "I have this(,)"[,] he explained, holding up
(fix dialogue tag punctuation)
more." Michael felt* only mild surprise at the sight of the second blood-soaked
long dark hair cascading around her shoulders, Michael [thought that](worried) he
(stronger emotion than thought?)
ready for a less than welcoming reception[".](.")
(fix dialogue quote mark/period location)
across the front of the property, and [there was] an impressive concrete stairway [leading up](led) to the house.
(Suggest you use a stronger verb than 'was' for this description)
but was probably in fact half a minute(,) passed before the door opened, and a
(fix to add the other end of the interrupt comma)
been doing prior to ten minutes ago. (strongly suggest paragraph break to clue the reader someone else is taking over in speaking) "...just heading back from the river when we had a flat tire.(,)" finished Susan. "We were wondering whether
(fix the dialogue tag punctuation)
tone that sounded matter-of-fact, not accusatory. (")Why don't you all come in?
(add the missing quote mark here)
In the foyer just inside the door to the left(,) a number of chairs were spaced
(suggest introductory element comma)
rooms, and we don't get a lot of business, but mother(Mother) enjoys having
(suggest because he is calling his mother by the name Mother, that it be capitalized. that is my mother... I call her Mother.)
"That sounds wonderful!" chirped Susan. As soon as their host [had] disappeared from view(,) she whispered urgently(,) "Paul, call the police."
(suggesting these commas and suggesting to delete the "had")
being slammed back into its cradle. (paragraph break) "Dead(,)" announced Paul.
(fix the missing
Opening his mouth to speak, Mike(Michael?) heard a blood-curdling scream from
(don't change Michael's name when it's not in dialogue. the others might call him Mike... but stick with Michael everywhere else)
Spinning around, the sight that he saw had [Michael](him) transfixed. Rushing
(He and him... Know that He is Michael... so stick with the pronoun here)
Its right arm was raised[,] and holding a huge kitchen knife. {The look on its face was pure malevolence.} (Pure malevolence contorted its face? Sometimes the action is more crisp if you use a stronger verb than was... it forces a more vivid description than the state of being, something to consider)
With the doll preparing to strike, Michael felt* himself being slammed out of the
the drop-dead gorgeous girlfriend? (A guy with a really low self esteem and no desire for heroics?)
of an hour. This is not my dream, it's Paul's! (LOL! that's a wicked spin... on I think therefore I am... so the reader is reading the experiences of a person who doesn't exist and shouldn't have any actual feelings, thus the wondering of if he is thinking and feeling inside someone else's head... does that mean he exists and is real, or that he's just a partitioned part of Paul... Like fight club?)
It sounded far off. The last thing Michael Fenwick heard as he [felt himself fading](faded) forever into oblivion
(some things for you to consider, but an entertaining read)
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Hi Turtle,
Thanks for the excellent suggestions, I've implemented the majority of them. If I ever get around to trying to write anything to be published, I'm going to have to hire you as my editor. You do such a good job of picking up mistakes I make over and over that neither myself nor anyone else catches.
Much appreciated,
Craig.
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I hired an editor once, mostly what I found out was I couldn't write, but everything she bopped me on the head for, I studied and a lot of it stuck. I do feel between her and the fanstory community, I've improved since then. I'd probably be cheaper than a real editor. ; ) few imaginary pennies here and there. Except I feel like you'd be hiring the janitor from an editing firm.
Comment from ciliverde
Although I'm not a huge fan of the slasher flicks, or Chucky either, to be honest, you get the six stars for this amazing idea - your main character is the character of a dream. That is quite a fascinating idea and very original. Not to mention, your writing is accomplished - good descriptions but not overdone, it flows naturally and quickly to your strange and wonderful conclusion.
Great job!!
Carol
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Although I'm not a huge fan of the slasher flicks, or Chucky either, to be honest, you get the six stars for this amazing idea - your main character is the character of a dream. That is quite a fascinating idea and very original. Not to mention, your writing is accomplished - good descriptions but not overdone, it flows naturally and quickly to your strange and wonderful conclusion.
Great job!!
Carol
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much, Carol, for your wonderful review! Believe it or not, I'm not really big into slasher flicks either - Twilight Zone is more my sort of horror. I really appreciate your very kind words, much appreciated.
Craig
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I prefer a hint of scariness, I don't want to see people getting sliced up. Masterpiece Mystery shows are my favorite...not sure if you've got those over there.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Ya know, Craig, after Susan roused Michael Fenwick from unconsciousness, and he realized that Freddy Kruger and Jason Vorhees lay dead from theFriday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street slasher films, respectively, around them, if he'd been a true horror aficionado he would have known better than to venture into a two-storied, cottage on a hill in the dead ( pun intended ) of night. I was screamin' at your characters, No, you idiots! hasn't any of you heard of Norman Bates...you know, from Psycho!??! C'mon! If Jason and Freddy were there, it means that Leatherface, Michael Myers and/or Norman Bates could be lurking about nearby! (I didn't account for Chucky, the demented demon devil-doll of Child's Play fame). DO NOT GO IN THAT HOUSE!!!. But, as teens are wont to do in horror films and stories, they didn't listen, and went regardless.
"Michael thought that he might be the next casualty of the night if Paul could read his thoughts. Young men just didn't think those things about their best friend's girlfriend, (not) if they knew what was good for them."------True dat, Craig. Very true...
So Mike has somehow gotten himself transported in one of Paul's own fantasies. Fabulous. Hey, I've heard of friends sharing dreams, but these guys took it to the extreme, wouldn't you agree? Poor Susan. How she managed to be dragged into their blood-fueled fantasy is beyond me. Most chicks don't even like slasher films, much less want to be in one. The only reason they go in the first place is because their boyfriends, husbands--whatever--talk them into it.
Thanks for the killer story, Craig. I had lots of fun reading it.
~Dean :}
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Ya know, Craig, after Susan roused Michael Fenwick from unconsciousness, and he realized that Freddy Kruger and Jason Vorhees lay dead from theFriday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street slasher films, respectively, around them, if he'd been a true horror aficionado he would have known better than to venture into a two-storied, cottage on a hill in the dead ( pun intended ) of night. I was screamin' at your characters, No, you idiots! hasn't any of you heard of Norman Bates...you know, from Psycho!??! C'mon! If Jason and Freddy were there, it means that Leatherface, Michael Myers and/or Norman Bates could be lurking about nearby! (I didn't account for Chucky, the demented demon devil-doll of Child's Play fame). DO NOT GO IN THAT HOUSE!!!. But, as teens are wont to do in horror films and stories, they didn't listen, and went regardless.
"Michael thought that he might be the next casualty of the night if Paul could read his thoughts. Young men just didn't think those things about their best friend's girlfriend, (not) if they knew what was good for them."------True dat, Craig. Very true...
So Mike has somehow gotten himself transported in one of Paul's own fantasies. Fabulous. Hey, I've heard of friends sharing dreams, but these guys took it to the extreme, wouldn't you agree? Poor Susan. How she managed to be dragged into their blood-fueled fantasy is beyond me. Most chicks don't even like slasher films, much less want to be in one. The only reason they go in the first place is because their boyfriends, husbands--whatever--talk them into it.
Thanks for the killer story, Craig. I had lots of fun reading it.
~Dean :}
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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I spent a while trying to come up with a different angle. I ran it past my girlfriend who has read every horror book and seen every horror story ever made (I bet she even gives you a run for your money!), and she hadn't come across the idea before, so I thought .... "why not!"
Thanks for the fun review Dean, much appreciated.
Craig
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Oh really, she's read them all, Craig? Well...what did she think of my story, 'Fried Frieda' from the anthology Horrors On A Halloween Night? Did she like the way the book was formatted? You know, that book I'm advertising on my profile page--'bout halfway down? I'd be really interested to know, lol.
The Rock Band Puddle of Mudd used a similar theme for their video and the song, Psycho. it is the first thing I though of as I read it.
You're very welcome, Craig...
~Dean
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I'm not all that familiar with Puddle of Mudd. Apart from the fact that they are a band that has never had a number one hit outside the US, and never had a number one album anywhere, and the fact that their main claim to fame is one they share with Milli Vanilli, I know almost nothing about them, so I certainly didn't "borrow" this idea from them or anyone else.
On the basis of your comment, I checked out the lyrics to "Psycho". Near as I can tell, it is a song about schizophrenia, pure and simple. My story has nothing to do with that disease, so I don't understand the comment.
Always with respect,
Craig.
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I simply said it "reminded" ... R-E-M-I-N-D-E-D... me of that video, Craig, not that you borrowed anything from them. I wouldn't imply that of you or anyone else. Let's face it, when it comes to the horror genre there is little that hasn't been done. Avid fans of the genre have heard and seen just about everything there is to hear and see. I showed you the video so you would know what I was talking about, in case you'd never heard the song. That's was all I meant, since you asked.
And I happen to like Puddle of Mudd, very very much.
If I recall, I also said, "Thanks for the killer story, Craig. I had lots of fun reading it." In fact, I'm sure of it...
~Dean
Comment from RKS2015
LOL...Loved it! Shades of the Bates Motel, Friday The 13th, Chucky, even The Shining and a little Twilight Zone thrown in for good measure. A terrific Halloween fest. Good luck with the contest.
Rita
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2015
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LOL...Loved it! Shades of the Bates Motel, Friday The 13th, Chucky, even The Shining and a little Twilight Zone thrown in for good measure. A terrific Halloween fest. Good luck with the contest.
Rita
Comment Written 31-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2015
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Thank you so much for the super generous rating and the lovely comments, Rita. I'm sorry if you missed out on getting good value for your review - I was (am) madly trying to do a few reviews myself to get a little bit of v-cash to promote it. Most grateful for your kind words and good wishes.
Craig.
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No worries, Craig. I'm banging on the keyboard trying to get more of my writings posted for reviews & contests. I've been away from my writing for about a year now & quite rusty so the going is slow for me anyway. :)
Comment from redrocklover
What an interesting twist ending! I loved your story. It flowed easily - you have a natural gift for storytelling.
Linda
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reply by the author on 31-Oct-2015
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What an interesting twist ending! I loved your story. It flowed easily - you have a natural gift for storytelling.
Linda
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2015
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Thanks so much, Linda, for the lovely review. I'm glad you enjoyed it :)
Craig
