Poems By AnnieDawn
Viewing comments for Chapter 69 "A Childhood Memory"My book of poems and stories
12 total reviews
Comment from Kareau
I like the opening sentence of the story and the way you end the first paragraph. I think you really nailed the point of the contest in relating your feelings. I would guess that your pain subsided because when we are younger we are more open to miracles. I'm not sure what tested your faith later on in life but I'm glad you had this first experience to guide you when you needed it most. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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I like the opening sentence of the story and the way you end the first paragraph. I think you really nailed the point of the contest in relating your feelings. I would guess that your pain subsided because when we are younger we are more open to miracles. I'm not sure what tested your faith later on in life but I'm glad you had this first experience to guide you when you needed it most. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much for your review. Loss of a child does leave a hole that remains forever. It is somehow so different than other losses.
Comment from F. Wehr3
I'm not sure if I have reviewed any of your stories before. After I find a couple of SPAG's, I deduct a star. For the size of the piece, I would normally deduct two stars. Your mistakes are repetitve. Therefore, only a one star deduction.
Please consider the following:
'The reason I can pinpoint my age is that my brother is four years younger than me and he was not born yet.' Two complete sentences, use comma before 'and'
'I have checked with many family members and friends and I have not found one person who can remember that far back but I can remember back even farther than that.' First sentence is the same as above. When you use the conjunction 'but', almost always use a comma before it.
'One day I was singing on the back porch when I suddenly became so ill with stomach pain that I couldn't move.' One day is an intro clause, use comma after 'day'. The use of the word suddenly usually needs a comma. Also, you have a conditional clause starting with the word when. In all honesty, I am not sure if you need a comma after this clause. My suggestion would be to break the sentence into two sentences.
' I tried to call out to my mother but was doubled over and I could not get a word out to let her know what was happening to me.' Comma before 'but' and before 'and'
'Slowly the stomach pain eased and finally after a while it was gone and I was able to get up off of the porch and walk.' (Slowly, finally, after a while,) it was gone,
I hope you find this helpful.
All the best,
Russell
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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I'm not sure if I have reviewed any of your stories before. After I find a couple of SPAG's, I deduct a star. For the size of the piece, I would normally deduct two stars. Your mistakes are repetitve. Therefore, only a one star deduction.
Please consider the following:
'The reason I can pinpoint my age is that my brother is four years younger than me and he was not born yet.' Two complete sentences, use comma before 'and'
'I have checked with many family members and friends and I have not found one person who can remember that far back but I can remember back even farther than that.' First sentence is the same as above. When you use the conjunction 'but', almost always use a comma before it.
'One day I was singing on the back porch when I suddenly became so ill with stomach pain that I couldn't move.' One day is an intro clause, use comma after 'day'. The use of the word suddenly usually needs a comma. Also, you have a conditional clause starting with the word when. In all honesty, I am not sure if you need a comma after this clause. My suggestion would be to break the sentence into two sentences.
' I tried to call out to my mother but was doubled over and I could not get a word out to let her know what was happening to me.' Comma before 'but' and before 'and'
'Slowly the stomach pain eased and finally after a while it was gone and I was able to get up off of the porch and walk.' (Slowly, finally, after a while,) it was gone,
I hope you find this helpful.
All the best,
Russell
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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A SPAG must mean a mistake or error in punctuation. Yes, yes,yes. I appreciate your in depth review. That is what I am here on the site for. When I read what I wrote it sounds like a fifth grader wrote it. I used to ace English classes, but that was ages ago. Thank you for your time. I am learning. I put a comma before but...lol.
Comment from pattipac
Your story about how you came to have faith in Jesus Christ when you were three years old, and how it helped you return by faith to Jesus when you were older is a testament of what God can do in a person's life, if they but believe with a child's faith.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2016
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Your story about how you came to have faith in Jesus Christ when you were three years old, and how it helped you return by faith to Jesus when you were older is a testament of what God can do in a person's life, if they but believe with a child's faith.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2016
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I thank you so much for taking the time to review my story and for your kind comments.
Comment from TomyKan
I too remember an event when I was three. It was a dramatic and tramatic experience of baling out water from a wagon being drawn by horses over a flooded roadway during the massive flooding of the Columbia River the Spring of 1948. I had turned three in Feb. 1948.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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I too remember an event when I was three. It was a dramatic and tramatic experience of baling out water from a wagon being drawn by horses over a flooded roadway during the massive flooding of the Columbia River the Spring of 1948. I had turned three in Feb. 1948.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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I guess trauma sticks with us forever even if some events are not remembered. How terrifying for you. That was the year of the snow blizzard in western Washington so you may have been in eastern Washington at the time? It must have been cold for you too. I am so glad that all turned out well and you are still here to participate in FanStory. I look forward to reading some of your work too. Thanks for your kind review.
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I lived in British Columbia, 2 hours north of Spokane, Wash.
Yes, it was a quick Spring thaw, following lots of snow that winter that caused the flood.
Comment from Leen1
What a profound memory, it touched my heart that you have total recall of it. It is one of God's healing miracles that you experienced at that young age. I thank you for sharing. Good Luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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What a profound memory, it touched my heart that you have total recall of it. It is one of God's healing miracles that you experienced at that young age. I thank you for sharing. Good Luck in the contest.
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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It is a memory that lay dormant until my faith was challenged at a later time in my life. Then it was like a light bulb turning on. Thank you for your review and if it touches even one other it has been worth it to share.
Comment from Dean Kuch
It might have worked for you, and I'm glad that it did. I suppose God has His reasons for answering some of His children's prayers while ignoring the heartfelt pleas of others all together. Who can say why, really?
God knows, I don't have an answer to that question.
This was written well enough. You relayed the story in a very matter-of-fact manner, with few embellishments, it seems.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
~Dean
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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It might have worked for you, and I'm glad that it did. I suppose God has His reasons for answering some of His children's prayers while ignoring the heartfelt pleas of others all together. Who can say why, really?
God knows, I don't have an answer to that question.
This was written well enough. You relayed the story in a very matter-of-fact manner, with few embellishments, it seems.
Best of luck to you in the contest.
~Dean
Comment Written 06-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2016
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It is a memory that lay dormant until my faith was challenged at a later time in my life. Then it was like a light bulb turning on. Thank you for your review and if it touches even one other it has been worth it to share.
Comment from Sis Cat
This was excellent. I have read two entries in this contest. Yours was the strongest of the two. It had peril, high stakes--not just your stomach ache but your faith. You provide the reader insight to your mind as a three-year-old and why this incident had a powerful impact on you. This story is exceptionally well told and should be a template on how to tell a personal story that hooks the reader.
Thank you for sharing. I wish you success in the contest. As long as you have your faith, you have already won.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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This was excellent. I have read two entries in this contest. Yours was the strongest of the two. It had peril, high stakes--not just your stomach ache but your faith. You provide the reader insight to your mind as a three-year-old and why this incident had a powerful impact on you. This story is exceptionally well told and should be a template on how to tell a personal story that hooks the reader.
Thank you for sharing. I wish you success in the contest. As long as you have your faith, you have already won.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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Your kind words have really touched me as I was so hesitant to enter a contest other than one in poetry so this was my first story entry. I have so many tucked away that I may drag out and revive. Thanks so much for your review.
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Your first story entry? I attend live storytelling shows. Many pros cannot tell a compelling, polished story as the one you wrote. Go ahead, drag out and revive your stories.
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Your first story entry? I attend live storytelling shows. Many pros cannot tell a compelling, polished story as the one you wrote. Go ahead, drag out and revive your stories.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A powerful childhood experience, leading to a lifelong belief and way of living. That is some memory.
I have memories from three and younger also, whereas so many just have blanks spaces or gaps. it's funny how the mind works.
Well written piece. Good luck
GMG
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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Hi there,
A powerful childhood experience, leading to a lifelong belief and way of living. That is some memory.
I have memories from three and younger also, whereas so many just have blanks spaces or gaps. it's funny how the mind works.
Well written piece. Good luck
GMG
Comment Written 05-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2016
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I am happy that you mentioned your memories go back to as early an age as what I wrote about. I was beginning to think I was weird as no one in my family shares that with me. Thanks for your review and kind comments.
Comment from William Ross
Very good, I can barely remember so far back just a couple things stand out in my mind at such a young age of maybe 5. Great story. Good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2016
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Very good, I can barely remember so far back just a couple things stand out in my mind at such a young age of maybe 5. Great story. Good luck in the contest
Comment Written 04-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2016
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Thank you for your review. I remember events back when I was two. Kind of amazed my folks but they verify the incidents.
Comment from brenda bickers
What a lovely little story, I am not sure how I stand on this subject, or if I believe or not, but I can understand the comfort that some people gain from that.
Great little story.
Thank you
Brenda
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2016
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What a lovely little story, I am not sure how I stand on this subject, or if I believe or not, but I can understand the comfort that some people gain from that.
Great little story.
Thank you
Brenda
Comment Written 04-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2016
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The story is true but only told to point out how impressionable children are at an early age. I surely was. Thanks so much for your review. I appreciate your comments.
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Hi just wanted to say it isn't you I disbelieve but I 'm not sure if I believe in God/Jesus etc. Would never suggest that you aren't telling the truth.
Brenda
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I totally understand. Thanks again.