The Conjurer, Part Seven
A Theoretical Life37 total reviews
Comment from Contests
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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 A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for the recognition this post has received from the FanStory community. While this was not a Contest Committee decision, the committee recognizes this achievement with a seven star review. |
Comment Written 24-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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Thank you very much for this honor.
Comment from Realist101
Hi Bev! I really enjoyed this vivid post. And especially the opening quote. Love that. This is right up my alley and is a wonderful entry! x suse
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2016
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Hi Bev! I really enjoyed this vivid post. And especially the opening quote. Love that. This is right up my alley and is a wonderful entry! x suse
Comment Written 21-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2016
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Hi, Susan. Thank you so much for your very gracious review. I'm very happy to be sharing the dance card with you! Funny how many of us oldies are in the contest this time. You gotta love it :).
Good luck, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from rama devi
Hi dear Bev,
Are you planning to send more chapters? I'm wondering what happens next (and also have time for it, if you have chapters ready. I will not be too much active on FS as Internet is slower here right now...but since I have the flu, I'm putzing around FS a bit to catch up with great friends like you)! :-)))
REVIEW:
WOW--powerful chapter, dear. Riveting!
Love the opening quote.
SUPERB DESCRIPTIVE PORTRAIT PAINTED IN THIS PARAGRAPH:
Senor Pasquale moved like a hot knife through cold butter, and I was forced to set a faster pace. My lungs burned with the effort to stay close to the old man as he maneuvered his way around scattered debris and outcroppings the size of refrigerators. His steps were so precise and controlled that, in a curious turn of thought, I wondered if he was floating rather than walking. Of course, that was impossible... wasn't it?
*"Now he'll come back and see how I'm doing," I thought.
Suggest using italics instead of quotes here (especially since internal dialog has italics elsewhere)--or having him speak it aloud to himself is another option.
Great line: I regressed to being slightly more active than pond scum.
*Pasquale sat on his heels(,) studying me.
* Trim THEN:
Then, he collected himself and turned fierce eyes on me.
Great simile: Feeling emboldened like a mouse beyond the reach of the wolf,
Superb pacing, superb deep POV, superb descriptive narrative and dialog!
Six stars for:
1) thematic depth
2) creative simile etc.
3) grabbing my attention so ferociously due to the intensity and tension in the scene as well as the mystical overtones. Wow.
4) good sentence mechanics (just a few minor nits noted...optional)
BRAVO!
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2016
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Hi dear Bev,
Are you planning to send more chapters? I'm wondering what happens next (and also have time for it, if you have chapters ready. I will not be too much active on FS as Internet is slower here right now...but since I have the flu, I'm putzing around FS a bit to catch up with great friends like you)! :-)))
REVIEW:
WOW--powerful chapter, dear. Riveting!
Love the opening quote.
SUPERB DESCRIPTIVE PORTRAIT PAINTED IN THIS PARAGRAPH:
Senor Pasquale moved like a hot knife through cold butter, and I was forced to set a faster pace. My lungs burned with the effort to stay close to the old man as he maneuvered his way around scattered debris and outcroppings the size of refrigerators. His steps were so precise and controlled that, in a curious turn of thought, I wondered if he was floating rather than walking. Of course, that was impossible... wasn't it?
*"Now he'll come back and see how I'm doing," I thought.
Suggest using italics instead of quotes here (especially since internal dialog has italics elsewhere)--or having him speak it aloud to himself is another option.
Great line: I regressed to being slightly more active than pond scum.
*Pasquale sat on his heels(,) studying me.
* Trim THEN:
Then, he collected himself and turned fierce eyes on me.
Great simile: Feeling emboldened like a mouse beyond the reach of the wolf,
Superb pacing, superb deep POV, superb descriptive narrative and dialog!
Six stars for:
1) thematic depth
2) creative simile etc.
3) grabbing my attention so ferociously due to the intensity and tension in the scene as well as the mystical overtones. Wow.
4) good sentence mechanics (just a few minor nits noted...optional)
BRAVO!
Love,
rd
Comment Written 21-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2016
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Hi, Rama. Thanks so much for your assistance, as always. I really appreciate your greatly encouraging review and rating. It's good to know part seven passed muster LoL!
I don't have the next part written as yet. I'm in the position to be traveling for a while over the next month, so I'm going to be putting it together piece by piece when I have the free time. I hope to catch up with you for editing advice prior to the next one's submission.
I'm sorry you're dealing with the flu. Gosh, it seems like the last six months have been especially rough on you. I always blame air travel for infecting me with bugs like that!
Thanks again, dear friend. I appreciate all that you do for me. Take care...
Hugs, Bev
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Sweet BEV,
Warm thanks for your gracious response and lovely update and kind wishes. I appreciate you too!
This is a tropical bug that's been circulating the ashram for a month...living with so many people, these things happen. It's supposed to be a very harsh one but mine's not too bad...I caught it early...with rest and fluids...
HUGS
Much Love,
rd
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Oh, good that you got on this early in the process, Rama. Hope you're tip-top real soon!
XXo Bev
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Thanks, dear! :-)))
Comment from teols2016
Very interesting.. I presume I have some catching up to do to fully understand what you are putting together here. I can say your writing is solid, with no errors or typos to be found. Good job.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2016
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Very interesting.. I presume I have some catching up to do to fully understand what you are putting together here. I can say your writing is solid, with no errors or typos to be found. Good job.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2016
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Thank you very much for your kind review, T. I appreciate you taking time to read my post.
Comment from country ranch writer
I think death comes in many forms mental.physical, and debilitating and unpredicted no one knows for sure what the future holds for us.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2016
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I think death comes in many forms mental.physical, and debilitating and unpredicted no one knows for sure what the future holds for us.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2016
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Thanks for taking time to read my post, CRW.
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s m i l e s
Comment from Connie C
I'm so far behind in reviewing, Bev, that I'm starting here and will comment on the fine writing that I see in this part. First of all, I find no spags whatsoever. Second, I really liked the way you described description of Pasquel "like a hot knife through cold butter." Third, your description of Morales trying to catch up and recalling Elise telling him he needed to tune up his body was all very good. I'm sorry I've missed so many parts to this, as it has my curiosity stirred up, which is a good thing when a writer can do that!
Hugs,
Connie
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2016
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I'm so far behind in reviewing, Bev, that I'm starting here and will comment on the fine writing that I see in this part. First of all, I find no spags whatsoever. Second, I really liked the way you described description of Pasquel "like a hot knife through cold butter." Third, your description of Morales trying to catch up and recalling Elise telling him he needed to tune up his body was all very good. I'm sorry I've missed so many parts to this, as it has my curiosity stirred up, which is a good thing when a writer can do that!
Hugs,
Connie
Comment Written 20-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2016
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Thank you very much for this grand review, Connie. It's very nice of you to review this post without the benefit of the prior information. Thank you, too, for pointing out the sections you liked. Always helpful!
I know what you mean about reviewing. Even one day off the site, especially over Sunday, and it gets very daunting.
Much appreciated!
:) Bev
Comment from Aussie
You're forgiven, getting over Christmas was bad enough without writing in the Festive Season! "a hot knife through cold butter," keen description. Shape shifters can move like greased lightning. Serape? "Demonic Ferris wheel." good talk. Once again you have captured the reader's interest Well done friend.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2016
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You're forgiven, getting over Christmas was bad enough without writing in the Festive Season! "a hot knife through cold butter," keen description. Shape shifters can move like greased lightning. Serape? "Demonic Ferris wheel." good talk. Once again you have captured the reader's interest Well done friend.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2016
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Thanks for sticking with me for this story, Kay. I really appreciate your great insights. :) Bev
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Wow! I am amazed at the abilities of the shaman, Bev. Can they really do things like that? This story holds the tension and grips the reader in its intensity. You do these spiritual stories so well, Giddy
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Wow! I am amazed at the abilities of the shaman, Bev. Can they really do things like that? This story holds the tension and grips the reader in its intensity. You do these spiritual stories so well, Giddy
Comment Written 19-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Hi, Giddy. Thank you so much for this wonderful review. I really appreciate your generosity and encouragement.
Shamans are reputed to be able to do some pretty amazing things. The debate is whether they really have supernatural
powers or if they are able to hypnotize the viewer. I think everyone who has ever had a flying dream would say it's
probably imaginary. I don't necessarily agree with that.
:) Bev
Comment from Joy Graham
This is a fascinating chapter, Bev :) You make the scenery come to life. Your characters are strong and believable. I love reading your seasoned writing. Looking forward to the next chapter!
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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This is a fascinating chapter, Bev :) You make the scenery come to life. Your characters are strong and believable. I love reading your seasoned writing. Looking forward to the next chapter!
Comment Written 19-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Hi, Joy. Thank you for taking time to read and review my post. I really appreciate your support and encouragement.
:) Bev
Comment from Rob Caudle
Well you have done it again I have been absent for awhile but I was glad to see you have been busy creating another exceptional chapter. I believe this may be the best work I have seen on this site. This reader was fully involved in the story I felt I was with Pasqual my self just a great read. Your very much at home with this genre. Must say I am inspired by you and may have to begin again to finish some of it's Magic, thanks again for a very emotional and well written piece.
Rob
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Well you have done it again I have been absent for awhile but I was glad to see you have been busy creating another exceptional chapter. I believe this may be the best work I have seen on this site. This reader was fully involved in the story I felt I was with Pasqual my self just a great read. Your very much at home with this genre. Must say I am inspired by you and may have to begin again to finish some of it's Magic, thanks again for a very emotional and well written piece.
Rob
Comment Written 19-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2016
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Hi, Rob. Carlos and don Juan's legacy lives on! If you go the the website inspired by their magical passes, called Cleargreen, you'll find the 'youngsters' are moving things in some spectacular directions. I have a membership and try to do them on a regular basis. They have an astonishing potency for me.
Thanks so much for nurturing me along this road, Rob. You have been my guiding star on this site, and I don't know how to even begin thanking you adequately. Just know you are so very much appreciated, my friend.
:) Bev
