Astatula (Final Edition)
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Consequences "A young boy tries to turn his life around.Can he?
16 total reviews
Comment from Miriam Collins
I love the flow of your writing, you can tell you are a very skilled writer. After "He remained restraint." maybe add some "..." or some kind of break identification because it was a jump, but I like how you left the reader not sure of what had happened yet. The way you wrote and described the last few paragraphs made my stomach sick. I could feel the boys fear and meanness of that man. Great writing!
reply by the author on 12-May-2018
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I love the flow of your writing, you can tell you are a very skilled writer. After "He remained restraint." maybe add some "..." or some kind of break identification because it was a jump, but I like how you left the reader not sure of what had happened yet. The way you wrote and described the last few paragraphs made my stomach sick. I could feel the boys fear and meanness of that man. Great writing!
Comment Written 03-May-2018
reply by the author on 12-May-2018
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Cody's story. Appreciate your continued support.
Comment from Maame Grace
Is this new spelling of Geneveire for a purpose; to give a pronunciation or just a typo?
If for a purpose, then I suggest, maybe you should show in a dialogue to real the intention.
How does it feel to inhale the "nervous deep breath of a condemned prisoner?"
Show by describing how u felt; e.g. Chest tightens, sudden spasm, felt out of breath;
Maybe you can expand the dialogue by including one or two voices at the table - to break the mono narrative as well as add flavour
Over all, it is a good narrative, a found it a bit poetic at the end a little vague for the linear reader.
Good piece ( btw, is it a true story?)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-May-2018
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Is this new spelling of Geneveire for a purpose; to give a pronunciation or just a typo?
If for a purpose, then I suggest, maybe you should show in a dialogue to real the intention.
How does it feel to inhale the "nervous deep breath of a condemned prisoner?"
Show by describing how u felt; e.g. Chest tightens, sudden spasm, felt out of breath;
Maybe you can expand the dialogue by including one or two voices at the table - to break the mono narrative as well as add flavour
Over all, it is a good narrative, a found it a bit poetic at the end a little vague for the linear reader.
Good piece ( btw, is it a true story?)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-May-2018
reply by the author on 12-May-2018
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from Sugarray77
This is a well-written continuation of your wonderful story. You have done a good job in showcasing character development and the characters' perspectives. Good job!
reply by the author on 12-May-2018
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This is a well-written continuation of your wonderful story. You have done a good job in showcasing character development and the characters' perspectives. Good job!
Comment Written 03-May-2018
reply by the author on 12-May-2018
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review.
Comment from Katya
You are a good writer. I was sucked right into the story. I had trouble with the server's arrival--only reading this section, I didn't know it was a story being told in an eatery, and tried to fit the server into the scene with the sheriff. Oh well. I figured it out, and would not have had a problem if I had read the previous section. Nice work!
reply by the author on 13-May-2018
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You are a good writer. I was sucked right into the story. I had trouble with the server's arrival--only reading this section, I didn't know it was a story being told in an eatery, and tried to fit the server into the scene with the sheriff. Oh well. I figured it out, and would not have had a problem if I had read the previous section. Nice work!
Comment Written 01-May-2018
reply by the author on 13-May-2018
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Thanks for the review, Much appreciated.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
hhhaaaattt? You're leaving the readers including this reader in suspense with the paddle raised ready like a heat seeking missle to find its target which promises to get even hotter. Perfect approach. Now the reader is going to think about their own experience of unpleasant consequences and wager on what's going to happen. You have nicely kept "Little Man in consistent character and have nicely given the report from a young one's perspective. You have made some simple allusions which keep it feeling more real. You have the reader captivated with your imagery. Well, written.
reply by the author on 07-May-2018
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hhhaaaattt? You're leaving the readers including this reader in suspense with the paddle raised ready like a heat seeking missle to find its target which promises to get even hotter. Perfect approach. Now the reader is going to think about their own experience of unpleasant consequences and wager on what's going to happen. You have nicely kept "Little Man in consistent character and have nicely given the report from a young one's perspective. You have made some simple allusions which keep it feeling more real. You have the reader captivated with your imagery. Well, written.
Comment Written 01-May-2018
reply by the author on 07-May-2018
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Cody's story. Appreciate your comments and the review. Invite you to follow along as the rest of Cody's story unfolds.
Comment from Poetic Friend
Brett,
Following this story has been quite journey, especially since it is biographical.
This story makes the reader feels an array of emotions from sorrow, fear, vulnerability, compassion, and even frustration, to name a few.
The story is well-composed, and I did not notice any grammatical errors. You are an exceptional writer with a great ability to connect the readers with you characters, develop plots and describe the scenery.
Thank you for sharing this story, one where you are so transparent and vulnerable.
reply by the author on 05-May-2018
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Brett,
Following this story has been quite journey, especially since it is biographical.
This story makes the reader feels an array of emotions from sorrow, fear, vulnerability, compassion, and even frustration, to name a few.
The story is well-composed, and I did not notice any grammatical errors. You are an exceptional writer with a great ability to connect the readers with you characters, develop plots and describe the scenery.
Thank you for sharing this story, one where you are so transparent and vulnerable.
Comment Written 01-May-2018
reply by the author on 05-May-2018
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Thanks for the marvelous review. Glad you enjoyed this portion of Cody's story. Appreciate you taking the time to read it and write a review.
Comment from apky
As usual your writing is excellent and engaging. But the last paragraph threw me off the story a little:
When he raised the paddle up, I tensed. Anticipating the imminent, I held my position the best I could. For a brief moment, my mind raced back to another time and place not so long ago. I'd only lived with the Sheriff for two shorts weeks when he took his feisty troupe of Volunteer Deputy Cadets on an overnight hike. I was made an Honorary Member of the band of marauders for the expedition.
I had to read it three times to realise the second half of it was not related to the first half. Maybe you could separate them, split them into two paras?
I heard the unmistakable sound of my bedroom door open and watched Sheriff Daniels enter the room(delete-, and add-.)
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2018
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As usual your writing is excellent and engaging. But the last paragraph threw me off the story a little:
When he raised the paddle up, I tensed. Anticipating the imminent, I held my position the best I could. For a brief moment, my mind raced back to another time and place not so long ago. I'd only lived with the Sheriff for two shorts weeks when he took his feisty troupe of Volunteer Deputy Cadets on an overnight hike. I was made an Honorary Member of the band of marauders for the expedition.
I had to read it three times to realise the second half of it was not related to the first half. Maybe you could separate them, split them into two paras?
I heard the unmistakable sound of my bedroom door open and watched Sheriff Daniels enter the room(delete-, and add-.)
Comment Written 02-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2018
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Appreciate your comments and support. Thanks for catch.
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello, another interesting chapter for your manuscript. Cody is a wild child and it was entertaining reading about him.
I only have one minor suggestion for improvement, and it is one i have to pick myself up on in my prose. I have copied and pasted it below.
'...In circumstances like this (I found myself) in before in my past, these confrontations were (always-remove) full of loud turmoil and Earl Anthony Schroder in a wild rampage."
When we use, 'I think' or 'I felt' or in your case here, 'I found myself', they actually put you between the story and the reader and detract from the writings impact, and I would edit them out. It is nearly always possible. For example:
In circumstances like this in my past, these confrontations were full of loud turmoil and Earl Anthony..." By removing excess words, phrases, and fragments, it tightens the writing and makes it more engaging for the reader.
Thanks for sharing your story, which I found very enjoyable to read, Ana.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2018
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Hello, another interesting chapter for your manuscript. Cody is a wild child and it was entertaining reading about him.
I only have one minor suggestion for improvement, and it is one i have to pick myself up on in my prose. I have copied and pasted it below.
'...In circumstances like this (I found myself) in before in my past, these confrontations were (always-remove) full of loud turmoil and Earl Anthony Schroder in a wild rampage."
When we use, 'I think' or 'I felt' or in your case here, 'I found myself', they actually put you between the story and the reader and detract from the writings impact, and I would edit them out. It is nearly always possible. For example:
In circumstances like this in my past, these confrontations were full of loud turmoil and Earl Anthony..." By removing excess words, phrases, and fragments, it tightens the writing and makes it more engaging for the reader.
Thanks for sharing your story, which I found very enjoyable to read, Ana.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2018
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Cody's story. Appreciate the suggestion. Keep those reviews coming.
Comment from meeshu
very well penned, Brett. compelling story, tossed my mind back to my
youth (long time ago). smooth style and concise dialogue.
self recrimination is the hardest kind.......meeshu
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2018
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very well penned, Brett. compelling story, tossed my mind back to my
youth (long time ago). smooth style and concise dialogue.
self recrimination is the hardest kind.......meeshu
Comment Written 02-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2018
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of Cody's story. Appreciate you taking the time to read it and to write a review. Invite you to follow along as this book is revised for completion.
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I will, I'm hooked...meeshu
Comment from create4christ
Brett, this is such a good book! I have no more 6 stars to give you...but it does deserve it. I was brought up with firm discipline and turned out just fine...as we're my boys. Personally, I believe that if there were more discipline, there would be less need for it.
Again, awesome writing! Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2016
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Brett, this is such a good book! I have no more 6 stars to give you...but it does deserve it. I was brought up with firm discipline and turned out just fine...as we're my boys. Personally, I believe that if there were more discipline, there would be less need for it.
Again, awesome writing! Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this chapter. The scene was used to try to further develop what life in this small West Texas town is like. Trying to keep the story as true to real life as possible. Your comments and support appreciated.
