Comment from NJK62

Exceptional

I said I would have a look at this and I have found some time today to do so. A highly evocative piece that builds a strong sense of place and the speaker's relationship with it.

Batik skirt in shades of wild rose
alive in clean swing and swirl (some effective use of alliteration here.
toes grip leather thongs
and feet - as wings unfurled - (the image of wings unfurled suggests a sense of freedom and perhaps growth?)
fly fast down
this well-trodden path.

Moments spent in solitude -
meditative interludes -
ensure that I'll recall
the roll and rime of tides (wonderfully allliterative image, given additional emphasis by the assonance of 'rime' and 'tides')(
the way my heart abides
just here upon
this Earth...

Only here
these earthen scents in
umber dross of moss and fern (effective internal rhyme that helps you evoke the sense of nature. I also like the syntax which suggests the chaotic beuaty of nature)
wild-berry-brambled-bliss
iris-lined and tumbling burn
sheltering cove below; so
rimmed with ringing swell and swale
salted air a clinging veil (highly evocative image of the veil)
wind's whispered list dispels (the onomatopoeic line helps build this sensurtal picture of the setting)
close-webbed mist upon
the wide, wide sea.

Tryst
This ocean fog in pearled caress
thinly blinds blue expanse wherein
cold currents swirl and coalesce (the harsh alliterative 'c' here helps contrast with the image of beauty hereto)
heedless tendrils shift and spin...
I know you, friend fog!
You've harried my steps; led
me down cobbled strands
mingled - in spits and streaks -
with tears, upon my grinning cheeks
dampened and tormented me
beckoned and so tempted me
I leapt!

Descent
This wayward path descends
in coastal thickets,
magic sounds
spring up as if from
serried ground
meeting black sand where
ocean scours the restless land...

You are the steps that disappear in
glistening sand
I am the shadow that follows
yours is a loving gaze
I am the spirit in misted haze
you're the sweep of tide
and I'm the one who must abide... (The repetitive syntax in this stanza helps build a sense of the speaker's reflection.)

Peace
Let this moment
encircle us in light:
this shredded veil of fog
this blooming, burning swale
this booming, soothing surf (loved the onomatopoeic assonance - if there is such a thing!)
my heartbeat
this well-known path
my true love.

I thought this was a highly accomplished piece of writing. Well done and clearly worth a six.

 Comment Written 17-May-2016

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reply by the author on 17-May-2016

Nigel, this review really made my day! This is an imagined adventure in my favorite place on Earth - a remote location on coast of California (way up north, away from the hordes). I could write poem after poem about it. Thank you, my friend, for taking the time to read and give such a great, detailed review, for only two cents!
much appreciated :-)
Carol

reply by NJK62 on 18-May-2016

My pleasure. Nigel.

Comment from BeasPeas

Exceptional

This is a wonderfully descriptive poem, Carol. I felt as though I was right along with you. Word choices are excellent as is the photo. Did you take it? You start off immediately holding my interest with the first stanza--so well described. Other lines that stand out for me are:
"Moments spent in solitude -
meditative interludes -"
&
"wild-berry-brambled-bliss
iris-lined and tumbling burn
sheltering cove below;"
&
"This ocean fog in pearled caress
thinly blinds blue expanse wherein
cold currents swirl and coalesce
heedless tendrils shift and spin..."
Great job.
Marilyn

 Comment Written 12-May-2016

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reply by the author on 13-May-2016

I did take the photo - Shelter Cove, California, and the surrounding area, I think it's my favorite place on Earth. It's so beautiful and it's been my muse lately :)
Thank you for the wonderful rating!!
Carol

Comment from mfowler

Excellent

I had a read of the last few interviews and your dream job seems to have excited everyone with the possibilities. You've continued in Oliver's spirit here but the influence of I Am Cat is easy to discern. As Mark V said, this is a veritable clinic of poetic skills with wonderful use of language, technical devices and special imagery. It takes the reader there and draws one into the sensual moments described along the way. I was going to give you a sixer but one element clanged for me, and it could be just me. It's about the mix of free and rhymed verse. In parts it seems to flow like the sea and in others it suddenly hits a rock and moves on. Let me explain:
This ocean fog in pearled caress
thinly blinds blue expanse wherein
cold currents swirl and coalesce
heedless tendrils shift and spin...'lyrical beauty'
I know you, friend fog!...then this line stopped me in my rhythmic tracks. Maybe, it's the sound of 'friend fog', or the sudden loss of rhyme, or maybe the sudden familiarity after the fog in its personified state after a pure description of nature.
I won't go on as this is only a tiny element of a great poem, but immediate shifts in rhythm at key moments often throw me.

 Comment Written 10-May-2016

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reply by the author on 11-May-2016

Thanks so much for reading this, Mark. As for the break in rhythm - maybe I use too much rhyme, so that the shift to non-rhyming feels too abrupt? Did you notice it anywhere else to that degree, in addition to the part about "friend fog"?

If I were to rewrite that stanza, maybe I'd ease up on the rhyme preceding "friend fog", and then try harder to maintain the preceding style for the rest of the stanza. Using more subtle rhyming, or placing a rhyme within the sentence instead of at the end. I like to use occasional rhyme, but I'm still learning how much, when, how, etc.

Thanks so much, I really appreciate your feedback!
Carol

reply by mfowler on 11-May-2016

I think your idea is excellent. Yes. Subtle or even internal rhyme might work. I'll let you think about the rest which probably came after tight rhyming sections.

Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep

Exceptional

Oh, how poetic this beautiful work.You obviously read lots of poetry and I remember the batik skirts, I so wanted to do that in the 60's! I loved the beautiful images of the wild coastline in your writing. So well done, Giddy

 Comment Written 10-May-2016

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reply by the author on 10-May-2016

I had a wrap-around Indian print skirt I used to wear, I wish I still had it! That was in the late 70's...
Thanks for such a wonderful review, much appreciated Giddy!
Carol

Comment from I am Cat

Exceptional

Oh how would I NOT love this?
My LAST six is yours!

...toes grip leather thongs
and feet - as wings unfurled -
fly fast down
this well-trodden path.

Moments spent in solitude -
meditative interludes -
ensure that I'll recall
the roll and rime of tides
the way my heart abides
just here upon
this Earth...

Only here
these earthen scents in
umber dross of moss and fern
wild-berry-brambled-bliss
iris-lined and tumbling burn
sheltering cove below; so
rimmed with ringing swell and swale
salted air a clinging veil
wind's whispered list dispels
close-webbed mist upon
the wide, wide sea.

(good god woman! I think I have a girl crush!) ;)

This ocean fog in pearled caress
thinly blinds blue expanse wherein
cold currents swirl and coalesce
heedless tendrils shift and spin...
I know you, friend fog!
You've harried my steps; led
me down cobbled strands
mingled - in spits and streaks -
with tears, upon my grinning cheeks
dampened and tormented me
beckoned and so tempted me
I leapt! (I would have said lept, but who cares?) caress/coalesce has long been a very favorite rhyme of mine... oh so lovely!)

magic sounds
spring up as if from
serried ground
meeting black sand where
ocean scours the restless land...

(just promise me you'll never go back to writing any other way except this wonderful whimsy that is such magical lyricism to my ears!)

omg... THIS is it!


You are the steps that disappear in
glistening sand
I am the shadow that follows
yours is a loving gaze
I am the spirit in misted haze
you're the sweep of tide
and I'm the one who must abide...
(most beautiful words EVER!)


Peace
Let this moment
encircle us in light:
this shredded veil of fog
this blooming, burning swale
this booming, soothing surf
my heartbeat
this well-known path
my true love.

(yes! let's! This is my favorite thing i've read in a LONG time, Carol! Unbelievably amazing....)

wow! Keep it up... whatever you are doing... keep doing it!

May I quote you? ;)

Perfection in poetry, my dear friend!
Cat

 Comment Written 10-May-2016

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reply by the author on 10-May-2016

Awww, Cat, you are so sweet! I hope you realize, as I said before, my free verse inspiration comes from YOU - really. I love Nigel's work but I can't do his style. Nobody else comes close, that I can think of.

Thank you, thank you!!!! for such a wonderful review - you make me very happy. I have to say, these things are a lot of WORK to write - I end up rewriting sections, adding lines, removing whole stanzas. I'm uncertain, at times, when they are "done". With rhyming poems, you KNOW when they are done, and whether it kinda works or not - these are more -- undefined.

I'm so glad you like caress/coalesce too - the only other thing I know of that rhymes with caress is stress, but that didn't seem to work here - lol.

What am I doing? Tapping into my "Cat-brain" - there's a piece of everyone's brain that has some bits of your kind of creativity and vision - you have to reach out for it, and let a bunch of other things go :)

OF COURSE you can quote me, should the need arise (?) ;)

Hugs!
Carol

reply by I am Cat on 10-May-2016

Carol, that's probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said. Thank you.
I've put your quote on my profile thoughts.
Hugs
C

Comment from Treischel

Exceptional

Awesome! This stunning free verse reverie of a wilderness seaside walk down a worn path to a sacred place of solitude is beautifully composed, with powerful poetic imagery that shares the spirit of that journey into the mist and stone. It draws you as if you were there. You grab us with that fabulous first verse:

Unfurled
Batik skirt in shades of wild rose
alive in clean swing and swirl
toes grip leather thongs
and feet - as wings unfurled -
fly fast down
this well-trodden path.

But my favorite it to interplay of you with the setting in:

You are the steps that disappear in
Glistening sand
I am the shadow that follows
yours is a loving gaze
I am the spirit in misted haze
you're the sweep of tide
and I'm the one who must abide

 Comment Written 10-May-2016

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reply by the author on 11-May-2016

Thank you, Tom, I'm so glad you enjoyed my imagined nature walk, that actually is well-grounded in experiences I've had in that area. Mark Fowler mentioned that the stanza where I address the fog as "friend fog" gave too much of a break from rhyming to non-rhyming. Did you notice that? I'm trying to learn how to do this gracefully...
Thanks again :)
Carol

Comment from Cumbrianlass

Excellent

I was with you on this walk, Carol. First of all, I love the image you paint of yourself - swirling skirts and sandals. Then the walk, the atmosphere around you so beautifully described. Made me shiver. I felt the wildness of it. I love remote wild places that make me feel as though I'm the only person on earth.

I would love to see this place - it sounds amazing.

Av

 Comment Written 09-May-2016

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reply by the author on 09-May-2016

Av, it IS amazing. It's a place called Shelter Cove, in far Northern California. I, too, love that feeling of being in a remote place where you feel like the only person on earth. My dogs are usually with me, but that's it. Oh, once in awhile my hubby too :)
I used to live in the area, and we'll move back up when we retire - we're in Southern Cal now.

Well, if you ever get the inkling to come out, let me know! Our house up north is finished so we go up often :)
Carol

Comment from Mark Valentine

Exceptional

This is a veritable poetry clinic with the brilliant uses of alliteration, enjambment, personification, allusions to classic works, imagery, reverence of nature - it's like all the great poets got together and gave birth to this.

I love all of it, but the stanza that speaks of "meditative interludes" will stay with me- it seems to capture your attitude toward and relationship with nature. It's inspiring.

Like all of your posts, this is heartfelt and intelligent (and it makes me want to visit northern California).

 Comment Written 09-May-2016

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reply by the author on 09-May-2016

Thank you, Mark.

Comment from ~Dovey

Excellent

Hi Carol:

This poem flows like the whispering wind on your wayward path. It just unfolds naturally with beautiful imagery and excellent alliteration throughout. I really enjoyed this stanza:

Only here
these earthen scents in
umber dross of moss and fern
wild-berry-brambled-bliss
iris-lined and tumbling burn
sheltering cove below; so
rimmed with ringing swell and swale
salted air a clinging veil
wind's whispered list dispels
close-webbed mist upon
the wide, wide sea.

Fantastic work!

Kim

 Comment Written 09-May-2016

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reply by the author on 09-May-2016

Thanks so much, Kim. I enjoyed this stanza too, and love that line about close-webbed mist. Love Ezra Pound, his work is so amazing!
hugs,
Carol

reply by ~Dovey on 09-May-2016

Yes, it is :)

Comment from dragonpoet

Excellent

I can't see how this is about a job. It seems more like the perfect place to live and work. I like the smattering of rhyme in this free verse poem of a beautiful place.
Did you know rime is actually a word meaning frost or icy covering. This also works for the cold of loneliness which is brought up in this stanza.

Fitting artwork.

Keep writing.

dragonpoet

 Comment Written 09-May-2016

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reply by the author on 09-May-2016

Hi,
My dream job is walking to the beach - I know, I know. It's a metaphor for things I feel most driven to do and be.

I am quite familiar with rime in it's various permutations. I saw it occasionally as a former avalanche forecaster - bad news when it's buried under a wind slab!

Rime as in Rime of the Ancient Mariner :)

Thanks so much for reading! I will keep writing, and eventually this series will get to an actual job! :)
Carol

reply by dragonpoet on 09-May-2016

Hi Carol,

I see this as the ultimate non paying job. It keeps you healthy and probably inspired to write about beauty.

Keep writing and walking.

dp

reply by the author on 09-May-2016

Believe it or not, I DID have a real, non-paying job as a wilderness ranger for the Forest Service, in my early 20's. At the end of the season they hired me on to hose down the outhouses :-)

reply by dragonpoet on 09-May-2016

Tha'ts time to quit the job. But someone's got to do it.

Joan