Comment from michaelcahill

Excellent

I don't even know how to tell you how good this is. There isn't a single word that doesn't belong where it is. Love "rime" and caught it instantly and smiled. YES! Perfect little touch. I don't know why this is all so sensual to me. LOL But all your little nature treks are something else. HAHAHA! This one was like WHEW! I guess it must be me as I don't see anyone else fanning themselves. :)) In any case. You are way at the top of the list here as far as I'm concerned. Top five or better, and you know the folks I know. Loved this. mikey

 Comment Written 09-May-2016

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reply by the author on 09-May-2016

Lol, Mikey, I'm starting to think you really like the idea of hippie chicks wandering around the forest/beach in a daydream :-)

These poems to seem to have that effect on a select few...I showed one of them to a co-worker, which was probably a mistake, if you catch my drift. Haha!

Thank you for the kind words about my poetry, I really love writing and I share your appreciation of a select few here - most of the Potlatch folks, and a couple of others.

Hugs,
Carol
P.S. Thank you for not having another Palidrome weekend! Those things are...I don't know. My brain just doesn't work that way!

Comment from MacMhuirich

Excellent

If only we could have a job like this, my only concern is the footwear, open toe sandals and stones don't always work. What a wonderful write with terrific imagery on the coast, sea and weather. Thank you for taking us on your travels, I would love a place like this when I retire to paint and write and to taste the sea :)
Bless you
John

 Comment Written 09-May-2016

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reply by the author on 09-May-2016

True about the open toed sandals. You can only walk a short distance on those cobbles, with the utmost care. It's actually hard walking as the cobbles shift under your feet. Imagine walking the whole 24 miles, with only short sections of actual dirt trail!

Do you paint too, John? I can imagine you painting and writing, with the sea as a constant muse :)
Carol

Comment from misscookie

Excellent

I love the artwork you choose to go with your poem
It is awesome and a perfect match.
I could vision myself at the shore and enjoying those feelings within me more and more.
Thank you for sharing
Cookie

 Comment Written 09-May-2016

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reply by the author on 09-May-2016

It's one of my photos, kind of give an idea of the area. Thank you for reading!
Carol

reply by misscookie on 09-May-2016

You're very welcome.
Take care.
Cookie

Comment from jonathan1

Excellent

I always enjoy this poets pieces. What a journey with great imagery. It flows extremely well and Is very easy to read. Again I really enjoyed this piece

 Comment Written 09-May-2016

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reply by the author on 09-May-2016

Thanks so much, Jonathan!
Carol

Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)

Excellent

A beautifully descriptive poem, my friend. Nice alliteration in this free verse Great imagery. Thank you for the author notes. They helped put deeper meaning into the poem, for me. Lovely write, my friend~Debbie

 Comment Written 08-May-2016

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reply by the author on 08-May-2016

Thank you, Debbie,
Carol

Comment from royowen

Exceptional

Magnificently worded Carol, I love the way you've described the individual line of the sighted things, I conjures up those great images of the olde poets, the things the soul sees, I wrote a poem years ago, "I had a glimpse of heaven just an instant shone the light." And I've lost it somewhere, this reminded me of that, well done, superb work, blessings, Roy

 Comment Written 08-May-2016

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reply by the author on 08-May-2016

Oh, I wish you could find that poem of yours, Roy, it sounds wonderful! that glimpse of heaven, for just an instant...that's so compelling.
I agree, this is along the same line. Some of us poets do think alike :)
thank you so much, my friend,
Carol

reply by royowen on 09-May-2016

Well done

Comment from rama devi

Exceptional

Lovely. Love the scope of this with the roll of rime and tides....the olde English spelling also ironically reflecting how things change over time but also stay the same.

I used to wear Batik too. That made me smile. Love the solitude and interludes near rhyme. This stanza is my fave:

Moments spent in solitude -
meditative interludes -
ensure that I'll recall
the roll and rime of tides
the way my heart abides
just here upon
this Earth...


Love this unique descriptive and eloquent phonetic phrasing ornamented with awesome alliterative artistry (second fave) note one suggestions as well:

these earthen scents in
umber dross of moss and fern
wild-berry-brambled-bliss (HEE HEE_-perfect depiction!)
iris-lined and tumbling burn
sheltering cove below; so
rimmed with ringing swell and swale
salted air(Consider dash here) a clinging veil(dash here too)
wind's whispered list dispels
close-webbed mist upon
the wide, wide sea.

Love the voicing and personification in this stanza, the smattering of alliteration and the consonance of S as well. Just note some comma suggestions:
Trys
t
This ocean fog in pearled caress
thinly blinds blue expanse wherein
cold currents swirl and coalesce(,)
heedless tendrils shift and spin...
I know you, friend fog!
You've harried my steps; led
me down cobbled strands
mingled - in spits and streaks -
with tears, upon my grinning cheeks
dampened and tormented me(,)
beckoned and so tempted me
I leapt!




Nicely musical:

magic sounds
spring up as if from
serried ground


This stanza is lovely...but I had to pause and reflect if lines were enjambment or not. I suggest either using punctuation of line breaks to make the reading smooth and lucid so the reader need not consider form and flow fully with concentration on feeling and imagery:

You are the steps that disappear in
glistening sand
I am the shadow that follows
yours is a loving gaze
I am the spirit in misted haze
you're the sweep of tide
and I'm the one who must abide...

Example edits for above stanza--with line breaks and indents:


You are the steps that disappear in
glistening sand

I am the shadow that follows
yours is a loving gaze
I am the spirit in misted haze
you're the sweep of tide
and I'm the one who must abide...


with punctuation:


You are the steps that disappear in
glistening sand;
I am the shadow that follows.
Yours is a loving gaze;
I am the spirit in misted haze.
You're the sweep of tide,
and I'm the one who must abide...


What a serene and uplifting closing note in the last stanza. Ditto comments above regarding enjambment pertaining to this stanza as well:


Peace
Let this moment
encircle us in light:
this shredded veil of fog
this blooming, burning swale
this booming, soothing surf
my heartbeat
this well-known path
my true love.

Punctuation can sculpt the cadences and clarify flow.

Example Option:


Peace.
Let this moment
encircle us in light:
this shredded veil of fog
this blooming, burning swale
this booming, soothing surf--
my heartbeat;
this well-known path--
my true love.

or, other ideas:


Peace...
let this moment
encircle us in light:
this shredded veil of fog
this blooming, burning swale
this booming, soothing surf

my heartbeat

this well-known path
my true love.


As you can see from the rating, I felt this poem's elevated and beautiful substance and finesse in phonetics and overall flow far surpasses the average read...enough so that the minor nits and tweaks noted above do not weigh enough to rate it only five...

I was right there! Thanks for the inner and outer landscape portraits...truly great stuff!

Kudos!


Love,
rd

 Comment Written 08-May-2016

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reply by the author on 08-May-2016

I think you're right re. the punctuation, in this case, the lack doesn't help it. It's hard because some readers (Ray, for example) likes it very spare, short lines with no punctuation at all - but it kind of doesn't work here - I guess it's not really that kind of poem.
So, I will take my cue from you, as my friend and conscientious reviewer, knowing that these pauses are needed in order to let the reader know when it's NOT enjambment. Who would have thought, but this is so important in creating a smooth flow of words.
I really do appreciate your time and clear thoughts about my poetry - and this one is very important to me. I work on these "free verse/free style" poems so much more than the rhyming poems - you really have to think carefully to create a cohesive piece, avoid anything clichéd, while staying true to the idea of what's being said.

I had a big smile thinking of you in a batik skirt. I had one too, years ago when I was in college. So I think you can FEEL where I'm going with this...the series is working toward the point of where I'll write about working at the little store up above Shelter Cove. Since you used to live in Garberville, you might know Shelter Cove and even the store itself - it has the most fantastic ocean view, very rustic, and so peaceful. Of course I haven't worked there, but I'm calling it my Dream Job :-)
love,
C

reply by rama devi on 08-May-2016

Thanks for your lovely note. I vaguely recall the name Shelter Cove...but it was so long ago...almost thirty years....that I cannot recall the store.

Some poems are best with punctuation, though i also tend to be sparse with it when it suits the form...which usually is true for shorter works and also for free verse when the cadences are sculpted by line breaks or indents.

Love, rd

reply by the author on 09-May-2016

So, indents can work as commas, and maybe line breaks work as semi-colons, would you say? I have so much to learn. The good part of that is, I enjoy learning :)

reply by rama devi on 09-May-2016

Yes--something like that. But even more refined...longer indents, longer pauses...etc.

reply by rama devi on 09-May-2016

PS- I enjoy learning too! And experimenting..>!

Comment from brenda bickers

Exceptional

Hi Carol,
this is wonderful, I love how you describe what you see and feel as you walk, It is like you are our eyes and your descriptions our vision. Cannot think of a better way to describe it so I hope you know what I mean.
Just beautiful.
Brenda:))x

 Comment Written 08-May-2016

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reply by the author on 08-May-2016

Wow - I do love that thought, me being your eyes, and the descriptions your vision of the place - that's wonderful. I wish you could really see it. The smell of the place, honestly, is like nowhere else. You know you're home when you step off the airplane and get that scent - ocean, pine, blackberry, azalea -just a riot of growth, but a cool climate. I just love it. Thank you for loving it with me :)
Carol

reply by brenda bickers on 09-May-2016

Hi Carol, so glad that made sense, without those wonderful descriptions I would never have known how beautiful this place is, wish I were there too!!!
Brenda:))x

Comment from LIJ Red

Excellent

Restless land? Those cliffs look like they could teach eternity endurance.
I'm kidding, of course. I see nothing I'd change about your excellent poem.

 Comment Written 08-May-2016

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reply by the author on 08-May-2016

Lolol - you're funny :)
It's actually a "young" mountain range, and there are frequent landslides down to the beach. The first time I hiked on that beach I had to climb over big piles of dirt and trees that slid down in the winter. My youngest dog was a big baby and I had to carry her over it! Fun memories!
Thank you for reading my ravings!
Carol

Comment from Pantygynt

Exceptional

This is a magnificent descriptive poem and I loved every line of it. Interestingly 'rime' is also used for a covering of hoar frost, and by association the salty residue left on drying shingle sometimes. You say this would be your ideal job. You have described the workplace well enough but what is the job? No one is going to pay you for walking on the beach. Lol.

 Comment Written 08-May-2016

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reply by the author on 08-May-2016

The pay is crap, unfortunately! Lol. Yes, I know the hoar frost is called rime, haven't heard that about the salty residue...
Thanks for the stellar review :-)
Carol

reply by Pantygynt on 08-May-2016

When will you get home to do the sound file by the way. Just so I know when to look out for it.

reply by the author on 08-May-2016

It might not be until this evening, I'm going to get together with my stepdaughter...maybe 7 pm Pacific Daylight time (02 GMT)

reply by Pantygynt on 08-May-2016

Thanks I will post tomorrow then