Astatula (Final Edition)
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Football"A young boy tries to turn his life around.Can he?
6 total reviews
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
The story flows well and sees to be well plotted.
The setting and description of events on this day flow in sequence
and can be read with clarity and ease.
Just a minor glitch-I only mention it as an editing tip.
Paragraph 8-last line (reversal of word sequence0
Should read- he would be.
:-) Shirley
reply by the author on 14-May-2016
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The story flows well and sees to be well plotted.
The setting and description of events on this day flow in sequence
and can be read with clarity and ease.
Just a minor glitch-I only mention it as an editing tip.
Paragraph 8-last line (reversal of word sequence0
Should read- he would be.
:-) Shirley
Comment Written 14-May-2016
reply by the author on 14-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of my story. Appreciate the catch.
Comment from foxangie123
I read and reviewed this fine piece of writing already and it was great then, it is great now, and will be great for all of my future readings. You are gifted.
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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I read and reviewed this fine piece of writing already and it was great then, it is great now, and will be great for all of my future readings. You are gifted.
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this piece of writing. Much more to come. Stay tuned. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Okay now you have my questions threatening to rise but I know all will be answered in time.
Yes it was interesting and intriguing and worth reading and coming back for more
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Okay now you have my questions threatening to rise but I know all will be answered in time.
Yes it was interesting and intriguing and worth reading and coming back for more
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Ask away. That is why I am writing this story. Glad you enjoyed this portion. Your comments and support appreciated.
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No I know this is leading up to the next parts and I don't want to spoil. I will ask as they come
Comment from misscookie
Once again you wrote another interesting chapter
which held my attention from the first line to the last
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Once again you wrote another interesting chapter
which held my attention from the first line to the last
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
Comment Written 08-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Happy a good day misscookie! Glad you enjoyed this little story.
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It was a good write,have a good day also.
Cookie
Comment from mfowler
This chapter is really warming up. Matthew's interest in football and his subsequent ability to play give his character new dimensions. That he plays with Cody and there's a team bond in the positions they always choose also adds to the image of growing respect. You put us in the park near a dangerous place at a time when a violent criminal is at large. That's good tension setting stuff. Then we switch to the antics of Deputy Taylor who's walking the beat ostensibly to show a public face for policing in the scare about the murderer. But, while he's out there we find he's paying blackmail money to an on and off again girlfriend who seems to bear no love for the deputy. I really liked how the football game in the park and Taylor's presence converge in his chapter. It promises something big for the next time. I've continued to edit closely as you continue to ask for support. I hope you find these ideas helpful:
In his room he plastered posters of all his favorite players including Drew Brees, Tom Brady, and even Peyton Manning, on every available inch of wall space the boy had... a good sentence spoiled by the placement of clauses and phrases away from the words they support..SUGGEST:
# In his room, on every available inch of wall space the boy had, he plastered posters of all his favorite players including Drew Brees, Tom Brady, and even Peyton Manning.
#It was his most favorite activity of all. ...You can't have a 'most favorite activity' as 'favourite' is the superlative of 'favourite' (excuse Aussie spelling), so the sentence should read: It was favorite activity of all.
#friendly exchanges with merchants was secondary. ...You need the plural verb 'were' here to match the plural subject 'exchanges'. hence:
friendly exchanges with merchants were secondary.
#Tammy Jo Snyder. His on-again..suggest a comma, instead of a partial sentence: Tammy Jo Snyder, his on-again
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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This chapter is really warming up. Matthew's interest in football and his subsequent ability to play give his character new dimensions. That he plays with Cody and there's a team bond in the positions they always choose also adds to the image of growing respect. You put us in the park near a dangerous place at a time when a violent criminal is at large. That's good tension setting stuff. Then we switch to the antics of Deputy Taylor who's walking the beat ostensibly to show a public face for policing in the scare about the murderer. But, while he's out there we find he's paying blackmail money to an on and off again girlfriend who seems to bear no love for the deputy. I really liked how the football game in the park and Taylor's presence converge in his chapter. It promises something big for the next time. I've continued to edit closely as you continue to ask for support. I hope you find these ideas helpful:
In his room he plastered posters of all his favorite players including Drew Brees, Tom Brady, and even Peyton Manning, on every available inch of wall space the boy had... a good sentence spoiled by the placement of clauses and phrases away from the words they support..SUGGEST:
# In his room, on every available inch of wall space the boy had, he plastered posters of all his favorite players including Drew Brees, Tom Brady, and even Peyton Manning.
#It was his most favorite activity of all. ...You can't have a 'most favorite activity' as 'favourite' is the superlative of 'favourite' (excuse Aussie spelling), so the sentence should read: It was favorite activity of all.
#friendly exchanges with merchants was secondary. ...You need the plural verb 'were' here to match the plural subject 'exchanges'. hence:
friendly exchanges with merchants were secondary.
#Tammy Jo Snyder. His on-again..suggest a comma, instead of a partial sentence: Tammy Jo Snyder, his on-again
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Edits noted. Do keep them coming. Appreciate them very much indeed.
Comment from candyfink
Again, this is well written and the artwork adds to the story. I could feel the passion for football in this story. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Again, this is well written and the artwork adds to the story. I could feel the passion for football in this story. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 07-May-2016
reply by the author on 08-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
