Astatula (Final Edition)
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Miller's Cave"A young boy tries to turn his life around.Can he?
9 total reviews
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Boys will certainly be boys it seems and the more forbidden the activity the more enticing and riskier.
Cody sure does seem to like just these kind of situations.
The chapter is well plotted and flows with clarity of meaning.
Check the two line paragraph beginning with "So far...
The second line may need the word 'did' changed to 'didn't' for true meaning of the sentence.
:-) Shirley
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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Boys will certainly be boys it seems and the more forbidden the activity the more enticing and riskier.
Cody sure does seem to like just these kind of situations.
The chapter is well plotted and flows with clarity of meaning.
Check the two line paragraph beginning with "So far...
The second line may need the word 'did' changed to 'didn't' for true meaning of the sentence.
:-) Shirley
Comment Written 20-May-2016
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this part of the book. Appreciate the catch. Your comments and support are also appreciated.
Comment from MizKat
Hi Bret,
First of all I have a question to ask you. Did Merle Haggard really die? I would think so, otherwise I doubt that you'd say it. I don't remember hearing it though.
You wrote this to those who review and read your stories: "I am more interested in reviews that point out errors and weaknesses in my story." (So here I go.)
1 - Was the story realistic? (No, not to me.) If not, why? (Because you kept telling about all the things that happened. You need to let the people in your book do some talking.)
2 - Did the story draw you into the scene? (No, in fact it was quite boring.) If not, why? (Because you kept telling everyone what was going to happen. If you let people in your book have conversations it will be much more interesting.)
I would put this line in the second paragraph. (Immediately, it was joined by two legs, the chest, and the other arm.) Then the next paragraph could start with conversation.
Chakwaina was amazed to see an entire skeleton standing before him. "Where did you come from?"
"Didn't you see all of my bones laying on the floor a minute ago?"
"Maybe. What do you want?"
"I'd like to test how brave you are. Let's have a wrestling match."
"Sounds good to me. Let's get going." Quickly he gave the skeleton a sudden twist that landed him on the floor.
He got up slowly. "It looks like you're the winner so let me give you my treasure."
Of course you'd use your own words to write their conversations. To have them talking with each other is much more interesting than then the writer rambling on.
MizKat
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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Hi Bret,
First of all I have a question to ask you. Did Merle Haggard really die? I would think so, otherwise I doubt that you'd say it. I don't remember hearing it though.
You wrote this to those who review and read your stories: "I am more interested in reviews that point out errors and weaknesses in my story." (So here I go.)
1 - Was the story realistic? (No, not to me.) If not, why? (Because you kept telling about all the things that happened. You need to let the people in your book do some talking.)
2 - Did the story draw you into the scene? (No, in fact it was quite boring.) If not, why? (Because you kept telling everyone what was going to happen. If you let people in your book have conversations it will be much more interesting.)
I would put this line in the second paragraph. (Immediately, it was joined by two legs, the chest, and the other arm.) Then the next paragraph could start with conversation.
Chakwaina was amazed to see an entire skeleton standing before him. "Where did you come from?"
"Didn't you see all of my bones laying on the floor a minute ago?"
"Maybe. What do you want?"
"I'd like to test how brave you are. Let's have a wrestling match."
"Sounds good to me. Let's get going." Quickly he gave the skeleton a sudden twist that landed him on the floor.
He got up slowly. "It looks like you're the winner so let me give you my treasure."
Of course you'd use your own words to write their conversations. To have them talking with each other is much more interesting than then the writer rambling on.
MizKat
Comment Written 15-May-2016
reply by the author on 23-May-2016
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Merle Haggard died about 3 weeks, or so ago. Tremendous loss to Country music, and music in general as well. Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
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Yes, it is shame that Merle Haggard died. I really liked him too.
Kat
Comment from foxangie123
Entertaining except it takes my breath thinking of when I assisted on a field trip to a cave and had a full blown anxiety attack being enclosed. This is great chaptering you have added.
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Entertaining except it takes my breath thinking of when I assisted on a field trip to a cave and had a full blown anxiety attack being enclosed. This is great chaptering you have added.
Comment Written 14-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Stay tuned. Much more to come.
Comment from judiverse
It seems that kids always have the urge to do something they aren't supposed to do. But the cave has such a fascinating story, Cody and Matt just have to explore it. Beth has some one following her. Not good. At least she knows how to use a firearm. The boys are going to get into big trouble because the boy he caught with a can of spray paint and is suspected of vandalizing the barn. Cody will surely be in hot water, because he's supposed to be at the library. A great story. judi
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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It seems that kids always have the urge to do something they aren't supposed to do. But the cave has such a fascinating story, Cody and Matt just have to explore it. Beth has some one following her. Not good. At least she knows how to use a firearm. The boys are going to get into big trouble because the boy he caught with a can of spray paint and is suspected of vandalizing the barn. Cody will surely be in hot water, because he's supposed to be at the library. A great story. judi
Comment Written 14-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
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Great work! Happy trails to you. judi
Comment from BOO ghost
A comma isn't necessary before (that.) A conjunction. Now, how am I going to keep my guardian from discovering this awesome Comanche arrowhead I found? Funny thing, my nephew and I were just scouting around for arrowheads today, in a plowed up field. Ironic. maybe cause should look like this: 'cause, short version for because. Like the story thus far. It reads smooth enough. Seems like an interesting story. You know all about limestone. Hum... the brave got greedy. and kept the booty. Skeleton? Is this like a vision? I'm new to this novel. Pet bats. 357 Magnum. Now we are talking, a dame with a gun. Well, it is my fault. I just joined your novel. Not sure what's up with the skeleton. But your post looks about right, not too long, folks here frown upon long epic chapters. Wonder if that deranged killer knows that the lady is packing heat? Long ways to go before town? Looks like a showdown coming. Interesting, is this Miller's cave a real place? Astatula. Is this a real town? Keep trucking, the more you write the more you learn. Just got to write something everyday, writers say... thanks for sharing and the time you invested with this chapter. Good luck down the road. I will be watching for that mad man. BOO
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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A comma isn't necessary before (that.) A conjunction. Now, how am I going to keep my guardian from discovering this awesome Comanche arrowhead I found? Funny thing, my nephew and I were just scouting around for arrowheads today, in a plowed up field. Ironic. maybe cause should look like this: 'cause, short version for because. Like the story thus far. It reads smooth enough. Seems like an interesting story. You know all about limestone. Hum... the brave got greedy. and kept the booty. Skeleton? Is this like a vision? I'm new to this novel. Pet bats. 357 Magnum. Now we are talking, a dame with a gun. Well, it is my fault. I just joined your novel. Not sure what's up with the skeleton. But your post looks about right, not too long, folks here frown upon long epic chapters. Wonder if that deranged killer knows that the lady is packing heat? Long ways to go before town? Looks like a showdown coming. Interesting, is this Miller's cave a real place? Astatula. Is this a real town? Keep trucking, the more you write the more you learn. Just got to write something everyday, writers say... thanks for sharing and the time you invested with this chapter. Good luck down the road. I will be watching for that mad man. BOO
Comment Written 13-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story.
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Yep, BOO liked.
Comment from sage17611
Your story is very well written. The narration of the characters is good and makes them appear realistic. The flow is good, and your narration stimulates the imagination, therefore, taking the reader to the scene. I did not see any errors, this is an interesting piece. Good job.
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Your story is very well written. The narration of the characters is good and makes them appear realistic. The flow is good, and your narration stimulates the imagination, therefore, taking the reader to the scene. I did not see any errors, this is an interesting piece. Good job.
Comment Written 13-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Much more to come.
Comment from candyfink
You write well, Brett. I look forward to reviewing future chapters. At this time, I don't see anything that needs to be changed or corrected.
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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You write well, Brett. I look forward to reviewing future chapters. At this time, I don't see anything that needs to be changed or corrected.
Comment Written 13-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Cody did or did not realize? Which did you mean?
Yes very interesting. It held my interest and was short enough to enjoy.
Very well written with no real problems noted except the possible absence of the word 'not'.
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Cody did or did not realize? Which did you mean?
Yes very interesting. It held my interest and was short enough to enjoy.
Very well written with no real problems noted except the possible absence of the word 'not'.
Comment Written 13-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Glad you enjoyed this portion of the story. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from misscookie
I found this to be realist. two boys searching for treasure at a forbidden place to play.
even after knowing tale about the places they explored.
That's something real boys do.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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I found this to be realist. two boys searching for treasure at a forbidden place to play.
even after knowing tale about the places they explored.
That's something real boys do.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
Comment Written 13-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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misscookie glad you enjoyed this portion of the story.
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You're very welcome, thank you for sharing.
Cookie
